Sleep Anxiety Struggles

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Falling asleep can sometimes seem like a battle, especially when anxiety starts to creep in and suddenly all of your worries are swirling around in your mind. It is truly hard to fall asleep, even if your body is tired, when your mind won’t rest. Everyone is different and there is not one magical tip that works for all, but by changing some routines and habits around nighttime, it may help improve overall relaxation and worry leading up to bedtime!

1. Try sleeping focused meditations: Meditation’s purpose is to bring you into the present moment, to ease your mind, and to focus on your breathing. There are so many different types of meditations to try, but looking up sleeping meditations (use of an app or just searching in YouTube) can be very useful when it comes to relaxing a busy mind. Body scan meditations are specifically helpful when it comes to this because you are guided through focusing on each individual part of your body and relaxing any tension in your body.

2. Write a list of everything you are worried about: Sometimes our anxiety feels like it holds so much power, but when you write out your concerns, you are taking the power back. Often times, listed out, our worries and fears don’t look as scary or overwhelming as we once thought.

3. Focus on the things within your control: Following that, focus on the worries or concerns that are within your control. Often times, anxiety focuses on things that are completely out of our control and we have no power altering. Let go of the things that we cannot change because it may never even happen. Your anxiety is not a fortune-teller of what is to come in the future. It is just our fears turned into anxious and negative thoughts. Also, it is important to focus on the things you can control right in that moment because I bet there are not a lot of things that you can do while you’re in bed trying to fall asleep.

4. Read: This is a very relaxing activity to do before bed and can keep your mind busy leading to tiredness.

5. Create a bedtime routine: Going off of reading, creating a nighttime routine focused on relaxation and non-stressful activities/tasks is very beneficial when it comes to easing sleep anxiety. Creating a routine of things you look forward to doing is a form of self-care. Whether that is doing your skincare routine, reading, stretching, journaling, showering, or meditating, the key is to focus on the tasks that are not going to cause additional worries or concerns, but the activities that are going to cultivate calm energy.

6. Avoid use of screens: If possible, not looking at your phone before bed is a healthy sleep time habit. When you look at your phone screen or TV, your brain is stimulated and “lights up” delaying when you start to feel sleepy.

7. Avoid harsh lighting: Similar to use of screens, turning on bright lights at night can wake you up and do the opposite of relaxing you. Studies show that red light therapy can help with both depression and anxiety. Because of this, switching your bedroom lights to red lightbulbs can help ease anxiety especially before bed.

8. A to Z technique: This technique is helpful once again to focus your mind on something low risk, fun, and calming. You can pick any topic or category you would like (sports, food, songs, shows, animals, etc.) and go A through Z naming one thing within the topic that starts with each letter of the alphabet. This is a fun twist on “counting sheep”!

9. Listen to calming music or relaxing noises: This can definitely be different for everyone, but listening to classical music, rain sounds, ocean sounds, or even just using a white noise machine can help your mind have something to focus on rather than what you have to do tomorrow.

As stated before, not everything listed is going to work for everyone because everyone is unique and different! The purpose of this is to give techniques and tricks to try out when it comes to combating sleep anxiety. It never hurts to try something new especially when it comes to taking power back from your anxiety at night! It is so important to be getting enough rest at night so don’t let your anxiety focus on the countdown till the morning, but focus on the present moment and what you can do to help destress and get to sleep quicker.

Improving Your Relationship With Food

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Every single person on this planet has a relationship with food. It is something we need to exist and fuel our bodies, yet so many people have unhealthy or complicated relationships with it. When we break it down it can seem so silly to think negatively about something that keeps us alive. Society and the media has certainly impacted the view of food through the generations and while it is improving, there is still a large portion of the population that struggles with food. 

I often have clients coming into session struggling with the morality surrounding food, weight loss or gain, exercise and all of these things society has moralized regarding our bodies. If you’re someone who struggles with this, here are some ways to improve your view of food. 

1. Don’t assign morality to food. 

Food does not, and should not, be categorized as “good” or “bad”. It is important to shift your mindset from this black and white thinking and allow the grey area to exist. There are absolutely nutritional differences between a fruit versus a potato chip, but that does not mean one is morally superior. 

2. Improve balance in your diet

It’s important to have a wide variety of foods in our diet to ensure we are meeting our nutritional needs, as well as enjoying food to the fullest extent. Our bodies need foods like fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, carbs, etc, but our bodies also need fun foods like chips and candy to have nutritional and emotional balance. 

3. Practice flexibility 

There will certainly be times in life where access to certain foods isn’t easy. For example, airports are a location that it can be a bit more challenging to find fresh fruits and vegetables. This is a perfect opportunity to practice flexibility, whether that means packing a snack that is nutrient dense, or allowing yourself to have a day full of fun foods at the airport. 

4. Don’t compare your plate to others

It can be easy to compare what you’re having to others whether it be the items or amount. Practice focusing on what your body wants and needs, not how much other people want or need. Each body is different and therefore needs different amounts and kinds of foods at various times. 

5. Practice mindful eating

We live in a very fast paced world, which often pushes us out of the present or distracts us from what we’re currently doing. I know sometimes the focus is just on making sure you eat, but it’s important to listen to your body. Pay attention to your hunger cues, what kinds of foods will make you feel satiated and when you begin to feel full. 

The Search For A Therapist

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Looking for a therapist can be an intimidating process that often feels shrouded in mystery. For both first-timers to therapy and those with prior experiences, setting out to begin a new relationship is hard. It can seem like an impossible task to choose a total stranger from a list of internet search results and expect that person to be well-matched for your goals and to possess a presence that feels connected and compatible with your own way of being. The lack of clear expectations for the search process and initial session can create anxiety. And anxiety can freeze us into avoidance. Furthermore, many people begin the search for a therapist when they are already stretched thin by stressors in their lives, and they have few internal resources to call on for the search.

I get asked frequently “how can I find a therapist?”. Here is my roadmap to answer that question. I hope it helps you find your way to support. The end destination will be worth the journey, I promise!

1.     Gather Names

• Online directories like Psychology Today can be a springboard. You can filter by specialty, training, location, and reach out to therapists directly. The online directory from your insurance company can also help you locate someone already in-network.

• Ask your primary care physician for a referral list of therapist/practices.

• Another approach is to START WITH ONE NAME that can send you a couple referrals. For example, your husband’s therapist or your friend who IS a therapist or your kid’s school counselor. They are not going to treat you but they CAN provide you with leads to help you land with a great therapist. Therapists love to provide referrals. It is a deeply rewarding part of our job to expand and promote access to care. So don’t hesitate to start with one name and ask that name for names.

2.     Make Contact

• Okay, you’ve got a name and email address. Now what? Send an email to establish whether it could be a good fit from a logistical standpoint – scheduling, insurance, etc. I’m a fan of addressing fit from a logistical standpoint up front as this reduces the likelihood of finding someone you mesh with stylistically only to later discover an administrative barrier to working together. Here’s what to include in your outreach email:

• Openings? State that you’re looking for a therapist and ask if are they taking on new clients.

• Modality:  State the type of therapy you’re seeking: individual, couple, or family.

• Scheduling: Offer relevant scheduling information like “I’m free weekday evenings only” “I’m very flexible with scheduling” “mornings before 11am” “Wednesday or Monday anytime”.

• Insurance/payment info: Share your insurance provider to confirm that the therapist is in network or inform the therapist if you won’t be using insurance. If you want rate information, inquire about fees.

• In-person or telehealth: State your preference, if you have one. (“I prefer telehealth” “I prefer in-person” “I have no preference between in-person and telehealth.”)

3.     Phone Consult

• If the therapist replies that they can take you on feel free to ask for a brief phone consultation to get a sense of the therapist’s style and presence. Feel free to ask about their approach to therapy and experience.  You may want to share a topline summary of what you want to work on and the therapist may weigh in on whether that problem/issue is within their scope of competence. They will often provide referrals if your needs fall outside their scope. A therapist will normally try to keep this phone call to 10-15 minutes.

• You may opt to skip the consult call option and move into scheduling your initial session. Just a head’s up, the initial session typically costs more than subsequent sessions because it involves more work for the therapist (intake forms and creating a client record).

4.     Initial Session

• Expect the first session to begin with reviewing consent forms and practice policies. Confidentiality, cancellations, payment/insurance, and between-session contact will all be covered.

• The session will be about getting to know each other and beginning to define the current challenges and goals of therapy.

• Remember building trust and connection takes time, as with any relationship. However, if it’s not feeling like the right fit after several sessions, tell the therapist and the therapist will gladly offer to help with referrals to get you started with someone else. Don’t feel bad about this! The therapeutic relationship is the most important factor for success so if it’s not working, the therapist will want to support your journey toward a better fit.

Self Compassion & Cleaning Your House

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

I’m not sure if anyone has told you lately, but... You aren’t a bad person if you struggle to keep your home nice and neat.

Lately, I’ve been reading this book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing” by this really awesome LPC named KC Davis. In her book, she talks about an idea that seemed radical to me- housekeeping tasks are care tasks & care tasks are morally neutral. A lot of us may have grown up in homes where we were punished for having a messy room or for not cleaning up after ourselves after playing with toys etc... The tricky part is, when we’re young, we don’t realize that getting in trouble is often more about our caregivers’ relationship to mess than it is about us. So instead, we think “oh it is hard for my caregiver to love me when my room is a mess, I’d better clean up” thus internalizing shame about mess. Maybe caregivers didn’t intend to send that message, but that’s how it is often received. And while messiness doesn’t automatically equal “we are bad people,” it can sure feel that way when you are in trouble and maybe are called names like “lazy” on top of it.

Flash forward to you as an adult. No wonder you’re dreading some of the cleaning. You may not have ever developed a positive relationship with cleaning because it may have always made you feel inadequate. So of course, there would be times where you avoid it! Who WOULD lean into situations that make them feel unworthy or not good enough? Avoiding things that make us feel bad is normal.

So how can we help make our cleaning, organizing, and home management tasks feel “better”?

One of my favorite things KC proposes in her book is an approach to cleaning that she calls “The Five Things Tidying Method.” I think it’s pretty accessible for lots of folks so I thought I would paraphrase the steps for you in this blog:

Look around at your “messy” space. According to KC, everything in it can be broken down into 5 categories: 1. Trash, 2. Dishes, 3. Laundry, 4. Things that have a designated place but are not in their place, & 5. Things that don’t have a place.

1. First you start with just gathering all the trash together. You do not take it out yet.

2. Then you find all the dishes in the living room, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. and place them next to the sink. You do not wash them yet.

3. Next you grab a laundry basket of some kind and put all the clothes, accessories, and shoes in it that you can find scattered throughout the house. Put the baskets next to your trash pile. You might have more than one basket of “clothes” and that’s okay.

4. After that, go to each space in your home where things have a designated spot. (Desks, shelves, bathroom counters, etc.) Put each of those things in their assigned spot. If you come across anything that doesn’t have a place, put it in a pile. Stop in one area, put things away in that area, and gather a pile of misfit items. The result will be a lot of somewhat tidy areas with the exception of small piles of things that don’t have a place.

5. Next, you get to reassess each of those placeless items. You can decide if something is clutter or if it is important enough to get a permanent place. Some of those items will have a place but in a different area of the house. Put them away if that is the case.

6. Finally, take the trash out. Put the laundry bin in the laundry room (or somewhere out of the way, but where you will still be able to see it and remember to do the laundry later). Now you will have a space that feels more livable. Excellent job you! Save the dishes for another day.

So many people feel like if they can’t keep a home pristine clean all the time, they are somehow not worthy. That is simply not true. And when tasks pile up at home and things look/feel cluttered, that can be incredibly stressful and demotivating at the same time. The “5 things method” is great because rather than looking around and trying to prioritize every item and decide which tasks to tackle first, you have an outlined order that you can keep coming back to. For example, you can scan the living room space for just dishes and put those near the sink rather than trying to grab every single thing you see and run around the house putting them away. And as you go through KC’s method, things will naturally feel less cluttered, and you may start to feel more encouraged by the progress you’re seeing.

The other great thing about this approach is you could stop after step 1 or 2 and save the rest for another day. Doing all the steps in one day does not make you inherently “better” than the you that only has the time/energy/bandwidth to do steps 1-3. Jussayin.

If shaming yourself into cleaning worked, it would have worked already, yes? And you’d have a constantly immaculate home every day to show for it. But at what cost? And sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that we “need to be hard on ourselves in order to get things done”, but if you could get things done and NOT feel like crap, wouldn’t that be nice? Because let me tell ya, you deserve it. Both a space that feels livable to you, AND a sense of freedom from the shame cycle.

Resources:

KC’s Book

KC’s Website

• She has lots of tips & resources for new self-compassionate ways to approach the various parts of your life

• If you’re more of a “learn from Tik Tok” person, she has some of her TT content on there also!

• This is not a sponsored post, lol. I’ve been reading this book and having some revelations that I wanted to share. 😊

Into The Great Unknown: Why is Job Change Viewed Negatively?

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Recently, I have been hearing a lot about individuals, mostly in their mid 20s to early 30s, wanting to change jobs or career paths. Along with that idea has also come a lot of anxiety, fear, shame, and judgement. I am here to say that it is OKAY to want to change jobs. According to CNBC, “The Great Resignation” is continuing in 2022 with 44% of employees seeking new jobs. Post pandemic life for most people is looking very different. We were so use to a busy lifestyle full of hustle and bustle. When all of that was halted, many people were forced to slow down and re-evaluate their priorities in life; work being one of them. Currently, one-third of new employees quit after six months according to the latest turnover statistics (ShortLister, 2022). If this post resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way! The purpose of sharing this and writing this blog post is to normalize change and to normalize not wanting to stay in the same job forever.

There is a lot of stigma from society around quick turnover rates and employees not being “lifers” at a company, but what I wish more people would remind themselves is that just like we grow and change every day, so can our passions, interests, desires, priorities, and goals in life. With that, wouldn’t it only make sense for people to seek a job or career change at certain points in life, especially if it doesn’t feel like it is a right fit? I believe it is a sign of growth and evolution.

Along with this, I am also hearing a lot about my clients seeking different jobs/career paths to find more of a work/life balance. I believe this is a mindset that shifted due to the pandemic especially. With this slower paced lifestyle, people were able to open their eyes to what was important to them in their every day lives: family, friends, traveling, etc. This is not to say that work is not important, but it is important to recognize that work does not have to be everything in life. Everyone needs time off and breaks to be able to show up and be the best version of themselves. It is healthy to have that balance!

I want to recognize the privilege in being able to switch jobs or career paths as well because not everyone has that luxury. When thinking about this, there is a saying: “we should work to live, not live to work” meaning that yes, everyone needs to work to make a living and provide for themselves and their families, but life is also so much more than your job. Your self-worth does not need to solely be wrapped up in a current role or position. You are more than just that; you are made up of so many unique qualities and characteristics that make you, you. I recognize fully that a job change is incredibly scary and can come with a lot of uncertainty, but the unknown isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes what comes out of the unknown is even more amazing than you ever could have imagined, but taking that initial step towards change will be the only way to find out.

Sources:

-Short Lister, 2022: https://www.myshortlister.com/insights/employment-turnover-statistics

-CNBC: Greg Iacurci: https://www.cnbc.com/2022/03/22/great-resignation-continues-as-44percent-of-workers-seek-a-new-job.html

Scheduling Time for Rest

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I often find myself sitting with clients who feel like they need to be doing more, whether it be at work, in their personal life, in their relationships, and even in regards to their mental health. For a while I thought maybe it was just a certain type of client, perhaps those high achieving perfectionists. I’ve started to notice every single client is feeling this way in at least one area of their life.

 In recent years there is a lot of language around “boss babes” and this idea that we constantly as humans need to be moving and being productive. The intensity level of hustle culture has reinforced to everyone that if you’re not busy and running yourself ragged then you aren’t doing enough. This is incredibly false. 

Productivity is a concept I find many people struggle with. The constant push and pull to be productive while desperately wanting and needing rest seems to be never ending. The thing is though, rest IS productive. Our bodies inherently need rest to function and be able to be our most productive selves with the other areas of our lives. Let's use marathon training for an example, most people don’t run 20 miles the day before running a marathon. In fact, they don’t usually run for the two or three days leading up to the marathon. They do this so that their legs are well rested and ready to run their fastest and longest distance. 

Life is kind of like a marathon, so when you do something big like run 26 miles, you need to rest before and after. This doesn’t just apply to the big stuff, but the small events in life as well.  One way I find it helpful to force yourself to rest is by scheduling it. Try picking a specific day a week to have just time for yourself to lounge, watch tv, do whatever you want that feels restful to YOU. Rest looks different to everyone, so make sure you’re listening to your body.

The Last Taboo: Couples and Money

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Social media has broken down the walls around previously taboo subjects such as sex and politics. But talking about money is the last taboo. Friends, family members, and partners in intimate relationships will talk about anything else to avoid disclosures about what’s in their bank account or how much they earn. And yet, couples fight more about money than anything else. Here are just three examples of those chronic triggers: To what degree do earnings dictate power in the household? What are the differences between transparency, privacy, and secrecy? Do we merge our money or keep it separate? How do we plan for retirement?

Money is said to be the leading cause of divorce. So what is the sequence of dysfunction?

Discord about finances → financial strain → marital strain → decreased relationship satisfaction → decreased relationship stability → increased likelihood of divorce.

Studies confirm that in the area of money, it holds true that opposites attract. One tends to spend and one tends to save. We enter into a partnership with someone who has a constitutionally different orientation toward money and we enter that partnership with zero practice talking about that difference.

Therapists know that a person’s yearnings, fears, vulnerabilities, values, and hopes are all wrapped up in money. And most of these money beliefs and values are formed in childhood. When a couple enters therapy with financial discord, often, the first thing a therapist will do is create a financial genogram with them. This diagram tells the intergenerational history of money beliefs and values in each partner’s family. Learning about each other’s money stories helps expand understanding, curiosity, and empathy which tend to promote new pathways for choice, healing, and teamwork.

Here are some questions that couples can use on their own to prompt open conversations:

- What did you love about your parent’s relationship to money?

- What are some things about your parent’s relationship you want to leave in the past?

- What’s your first money memory?

A recent development in the field of marriage and family therapy is the appreciation for how profound financial discord can be on the health of relationships. This has led to an emerging niche within our industry: Financial Therapy. Financial therapists help couples connect the past to the present, emotions to behavior, and see how each one may be contributing to a dysfunctional cycle. These therapists are trained to understand the financial housekeeping practices that produce best outcomes and they are able to guide clients toward adopting these healthy habits.

To learn more about connecting with a Financial Therapist you can start by asking for a referral from a therapist you currently work with or use this database:

References:

1. David J. Mumford & Gerald R. Weeks (2003) The Money Genogram, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14:3, 33-44, DOI: 10.1300/J085v14n03_03

2. AAMFT Podcast

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Healing Isn’t Linear

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

With the start of the new year I think there is often this pressure for people to reflect on what they did in the past year and how they want to be “better.” Now there isn’t anything inherently wrong with reflection and wanting to grow, in fact it’s a wonderful aspiration to have. I think sometimes though it doesn’t leave room for the idea that many things in life take more than a year to heal, process and move on from. And even when it is healed, there will always be difficult days or moments of struggle because healing isn’t a linear process.

Let's use asthma as a metaphor here. Typically, asthma is worse in the winter because the dry air can irritate the airways. Now in the summer someone’s asthma will still exist but perhaps isn’t as severe. Similarly, if someone with asthma is working out that could cause a flare up more than sitting on the couch. Now if we think about mental health this way, I think there is a lot more flexibility in the space and grace we can give ourselves to heal.

With trauma and mental health in general, there will be seasons of life where something is more triggering than other times in life. Let’s say for example someone has mostly processed a childhood trauma experience, but they get into a new relationship and their new partner does something that brings up feelings related to their initial trauma. There will be moments that people don’t feel fully healed anymore from that. It doesn’t undo all the work they’ve done, but it really drives home the point that healing isn’t linear. It is OKAY to have time periods that are more difficult than others. There are so many factors that contribute to having bad mental health, so next time you want to be mean to yourself practice reminding your brain that healing isn’t linear and bad days are all a part of the process.

Review of Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love by Anne Hodder-Shipp, CSE

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

About the author: Anne (she/they) is a founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Education which provides age-appropriate sex education to parents, youth, therapists, and aspiring sex educators. They also practice dreamwork & provide coaching focused on sex, relationships, parent-child dynamics, and more. See their website here for additional information!

Summary: This book focuses on updating the pre-existing “5 Love Languages” ideology as that was popularized by Gary Chapman. In contrast to those concepts, Hodder-Shipp has compiled 18 actions over the course of 6 years working with clients and tried to fill in gaps from the original 5. They synthesized their findings into this book while also acknowledge that it is not to been seen as an exhaustive list. Their aim was to put together a resource that suits diverse relationship configurations and demographics.

Pros:

 101-pages written in non-clinical terms for ease of reading

 Sex positive, expansive & affirming of varying relational and individual identities

 Applicable to self-love as well as the multitude of relationships with other that we experience – not just romantic or marriage-oriented ones!

 With each description of the “languages,” the author includes an infographic with some examples of how one may utilize them as well as examples of what they are NOT

 Purposely does not include a quiz (intended to promote fluid exploration of the different languages and decrease rigid ties to the concepts)

 Cost-effective ($2.99 on Amazon @ the time I purchased it)

 Offers a more inclusive update to current ideas and NOT an end-all-be-all list

 Provides a section at the end on self-soothing & co-regulation

Cons:

 18 different “languages” may be more difficult to remember than the popular 5 language model

 eBook only as of right now

 Does not include a quiz – some folks may find that disappointing

Take aways:

Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love is great for self-exploration! Especially for people who have maybe heard of the original 5 love languages but struggled to see themselves/their relationships in those terms. It could also be a helpful tool for therapists to use to normalize the many relationships that clients have. This book validates the expansive means in which people conceptualize love within different contexts- platonic friendships, work buddies, relatives, etc. Personally, I learned that I value Shared Beliefs in romantic & platonic relationships, Affirming Communication in my work relationships, and Accountability in my familial relationships! I resonated with some of the other concepts but figured I would name just a few.

My Rating: 5 out of 5 hearts! - for inclusivity, price point, and providing examples for the reader!

Here is the website for the book if you are in search of more information on the book!

This is a 12-min workshop on YouTube with an overview of the book & 5 of the 18 languages and how they can be applied to loving YOURSELF

The Science of Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Clients are often skeptical when I suggest that choosing to cultivate and listen to an inner voice of self-compassion will move them closer to their goals. They are especially skeptical when I tell them that this is proven to work much better than listening to their harsh inner self-critic.

I fully understand their reaction. Their skepticism surfaces because what I am telling them feels counter-intuitive. Logic tells us that if we push ourselves, we’ll work harder. If we’re kind to ourselves, clients ask me “won’t I get lazy?”

Thankfully we have research to answer this question for us. Research shows us that self-criticism undermines motivation. Here’s why.

We have a reptilian brain that evolved to keep us safe from threats. When we criticize ourselves we activate our body’s fight or flight response system. This means our bodies become flooded with the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline to ready us for action against a threat. Someone who is constantly judging and criticizing themself experiences high levels of stress. At a certain point it becomes too much: the body and brain have to shut down. This shut down is depression. And depression is not a motivational state of mind. We become the attacker and the attacked all in one.

Thankfully, we are also mammals. And a key feature of being a mammal is the early attachment between mother and infant that creates a safe nurturing environment to grow. Our bodies and brains are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we give ourselves compassion, we activate the mammalian caregiver system which releases feel-good hormones oxytocin and opiates. When we give ourselves compassion we reduce our cortisol levels. And, when we feel safe and comforted, we are in our optimal mind state to do our best.

References:

Ted Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff

“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff (Harper Collins, 2011)

“Good Morning I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro (Sounds True Press, 2020)

Reparenting Yourself: An Overview

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

Reparenting yourself is an approach to healing that is rooted in inner child-type work. This takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself!

The first task is seeing that we were deserving of love, support, encouragement, etc. from caregivers when we were younger. Think about a younger version of yourself who was really going through a tough time. Imagine them sitting next to you. If you asked them what they need, what would they say? Would they be able to name a caregiver who fulfills these needs?

The second task is recognizing that our caregiver(s) were flawed humans and for whatever reason were not able to give those things to us. Deep down you may have been longing all this time for a parental figure you never got; one you may not ever be able to have because it simply is not possible for them. Over time, we develop schemas about the world, other people, and ourselves.

Examples of negative schemas:

“My father was unreliable so ALL men can’t be trusted”

“I am hard to understand, so I am hard to love”

“When I’m not perfect, I don’t have value. I need to work as hard as possible at everything I do”

“My needs aren’t as important as others’, so I have to do everything for everyone else before doing anything for myself”

These thoughts may have provided a sense of safety and security in our youth, but as fully developed people, they no longer serve us in that way.

The third task of this (my favorite part) is being able to intentionally give ourselves the things that we’ve been craving. As adult, you are likely dealing with the same unmet needs from childhood. NOW you have the agency to choose or ask for support in meeting those needs. Reparenting yourself means you can select reparative experiences for yourself that make you feel good or help you grow.

Some examples of reparenting may be:

• A person who grew up desiring more physical affection from loved ones may surround themselves with friends who are consistently consensually affectionate.

• Someone who wanted more encouragement or validation growing up may find it healing to practice positive self-talk and affirmations in the mirror.

• A child who grew up feeling constantly unsafe may find peace in the ability as an adult to choose a home or neighborhood that makes them feels safe.

Parents: I am not blaming you. An adult child reparenting themselves does not mean you failed. Maybe there were times where you were (for any reason really) unable to give them what they expected and needed from you. I’d be willing to bet that you yourself have unmet needs from your own childhood. This is an intergenerational cycle that you can choose to interrupt. It’s never too late to reparent yourself! You’ve been yearning for things for far too long now and you deserve to give them to yourself!

Extras/Resources:

Article by Bryce Godfrey on impacts of unmet needs and some specifics about how to reparent yourself

YouTube video by Katie Morton, LMFT that provides an overview of reparenting using yourself and/or a therapist

Book by Yong Kang Chan provides a more in-depth look at the process of reparenting

Feeling Your Feelings and Why

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

Emily Nagoski, a researcher who studies stress and sex, discusses feeling feelings like moving through a tunnel. As long as we can stay with our feelings, legitimize them, learn to be with them, and provide them compassion, they will pass and we will get through to the other side. Another way to think of this process is like a wave in the ocean. A feeling will come and go and learning to be with it is where healing happens. We generally fear being with our emotions because we are afraid, we will be stuck with them when, in fact, if we give emotions time and space, they will pass. Some emotions can become trapped in our bodies if left unprocessed. If they are stuck in the tunnel, they will stay with us and come out in other ways such as being irritable, snappy, or even manifest as symptoms such as sleeplessness, hypertension, and gastrointestinal malaise.

I’d like to provide a brief framework in being with emotion from Tara Brach called RAIN. This is a great practice for thoughtfully being with emotion.

1. Recognize what is going on - consciously acknowledge the feelings you have. A great way to build awareness is to do a body scan from head to toe and identify where your body may hold tension.

2. Allow the experience to be there - allow the sensations to be there without trying to fix them or make them go away. Practice what it’s like to sit in this space.

3. Investigate with interest and care - use your curiosity and think about why this sensation is here, what it needs, what is the sensation trying to communicate.

4. Nurture with self-compassion - imagine you are speaking to someone you care about, a friend or family member perhaps, and what words of reassurance and love would you provide them if they expressed this feeling? Direct these words to yourself. It might sound like, “I’m sorry you’re carrying this. Know that I’m here with you. We will navigate this together. It makes sense that you’re feeling this.”

Resources:

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2020). Burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Ballantine Books.

Guided meditation by Tara Brach using RAIN linked here.

Mindfulness and Communication: A Powerful Combination

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness is a technique in which one focuses their full attention only on the present moment, experiencing thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgement. When we communicate with others, often our minds wonder to other things going on such as what we want to say next, what we want to do later that day, or what we want to eat for dinner. Mindfulness keeps us in the present moment and fully engaged in a conversation, while allowing thoughts and feelings to pass through. Without being mindful, we often are not fully responding or communicating in a thoughtful way. This can often lead to arguments or disagreements with a partner for example, if they are feeling unheard or misunderstood. Being mindful allows the other person to feel listened to, understood, prioritized, and overall valued. Mindfulness also can strengthen a relationship and bring people closer together when both individuals can put their devices down, focus on what is happening right in front of them, and fully connect.

What we all say is important, and we want to feel that the person we say those things to feels the way we do. We want to be shown that we matter, and our opinions, thoughts, and feelings also matter. We can prove that importance by exhibiting curiosity and asking questions as a result of being completely present and focused on what the other person is saying. If you notice that staying in the present moment in conversations or in general is often difficult, and that your mind strays away from the present moment, then consider practicing meditation or yoga. Both are great “exercises” to learn and adopt better mindfulness-based skills. Allow yourself the opportunity to see the powerful combination of mindfulness and communication in your everyday conversations and relationships.

Lets talk seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

As the seasons change I think there is often a large range of mixed emotions. Excitement for the fall foliage, switching to cozy sweaters and candles, and those crisp mornings. Sadness for the loss of summer nights, perfect beach days and rooftop restaurants. Anxiety for what winter will bring - coldness and darkness. These are just a couple, among many more emotions that come up as we move into the colder months. While there is nothing that can be done about the weather changing, there are some tips and tricks that can be implemented to try and keep that seasonal depression or winter scaries away.

1. Bright light therapy - there are a lot of different options for this, but using artificial light can help your circadian rhythm stay regular. Using this for 20-30 minutes a day can help alleviate some of the symptoms of SAD.

2. Therapy - having someone to talk to during these difficult months can help alleviate some of the depressive symptoms you may experience.

3. Socialize regularly - the cold weather can make us not want to go out, so maybe plan to have a night in with some friends. Try planning something social at least once a week, even if it is just a facetime with a friend to catch up and hold yourself accountable.

4. Move your body - exercise has been shown to help alleviate symptoms of depression and improve mood overall. If you can’t exercise outside due to weather try joining a gym, borrowing a friend’s peloton, or even lifting some weights at home - there are a lot of free online classes available now.

5. Get enough vitamin D - this is something we get naturally from the sun in the Summer, but the winter months it is harder for our bodies to get enough of. Consider booking a trip somewhere tropical or talk to your doctor about adding a supplement to your daily routine. Either way, make sure you are getting enough!

Try to get ahead of the winter blues this year and make a plan for how to combat any symptoms you know you usually experience.

Parenting Styles and Course Corrections

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

In the world of psychology, we tend to group parenting styles into 4 categories, which occur along a continuum. This construct was originated by Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s who did extensive work observing toddler behavior and drawing connections between parenting styles and the effects on toddlers. Here are the 4 styles:

Permissive: LOW STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. No rules or consequences, loving, affectionate, approving.

Authoritative: HIGH STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. Clear Expectations and rules. Loving, empathic, firm.

Authoritarian: HIGH STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Disciplinarian, hostile, rigidity.

Neglectful/Uninvolved: LOW STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Absent, unavailable, unpredictable.

We know from considerable research that authoritative parenting is associated with the best outcomes for children. These parents are warm, responsive, and empathic. They also CALMLY set realistic, developmentally appropriate behavioral expectations. Across culture and family forms, the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles produces poorer outcomes, affecting self-esteem, social skills, and academic performance as well as being associated with substance abuse and mental health struggles.

When family units experience major stressors – a death in the family, financial hardship, a pandemic, divorce/parental recoupling – parents whose baseline is the authoritative parenting bucket can slip into one of the other categories without realizing this shift has occurred. For example, a parent’s guilt over a divorce may lead to never telling a child “no” (permissive parenting). A parent’s stress and anxiety over a job loss can lead to reacting instead of responding (authoritarian parenting). We should expect these parenting style micro-oscillations to occur alongside the stressful experiences parents encounter in the modern world. What’s important is that parents bring self-awareness and curiosity to how stressors affect their parenting styles. This type of self-reflection allows parents to course correct and return to their baseline of authoritative parenting. To course correct you can’t get tangled up in shame; expect, even anticipate, that you will make mistakes. When stressors enter your life, make a practice of thinking and talking through (with yourself, a spouse, a co-parent, or a therapist) what aspects of high-structure-high-warmth parenting may feel especially hard under these circumstances.

And, never underestimate the power of a well-placed reminder such as the above diagram, printed out and placed on the fridge or mirror.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

Relationship Attachment: The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Before diving straight into the different attachment styles, it is important to first know what attachment and Attachment Theory even are. Attachment Theory was developed by a psychanalyst, John Bowlby who was studying infants’ behaviors when separated from their caregivers. Attachment Theory looks at how an infant is nurtured by a caregiver (loved, supported, neglected, abused, etc.) affects their attachment both in infancy towards a parent and later in adulthood in romantic relationships and friendships. With this said, attachment starts in childhood and continues in adulthood. Bowlby also studied the importance of infant’s independence from a caregiver to examine the difference attachment styles.

Looking specifically at attachment styles in adulthood is important for many reasons, especially when understanding how an individual shows up in a romantic relationship. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Many people often do not understand why they show up a certain way in their romantic relationships or why they react to their partner when they are upset or feeling ignored, so knowing your attachment style can give a lot of insight for both you and your partner.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

• Feel confident that other people will be there for you when you need them

• Feel relaxed and joyful in relationships

• Rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end

• Independent and sure of self

• Want to care for a romantic partner and make sure their needs are being met (supportive)

• Easy to share feelings/needs

• Feel comfortable sharing private thoughts with partner

• Feel comfortable being close to romantic partners

• It is helpful turning to a romantic partner in times of need

Anxious Attachment Characteristics

• Overall feel anxiety in relationships

• Fear losing partner/relationship

• Worry partner will not want to stay with them (ex: if they make a small mistake)

• Worry that romantic partners won’t care about them as much as they care for their partner

• Worry partner doesn’t really love/care about them

• May be jealous, clingy/needy, self-criticizing, dependent, have a constant sense of under-appreciation or being misunderstood leading to anger

• May look for a partner that is critical, dominant, and inconsistent with affection

• Feel partner is better than them therefore able to meet their needs better than they can for themselves

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

• Prefers not to show partner how they truly feel

• Find it difficult to let themselves be dependent on romantic partners

• Don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with romantic partners (communication and sharing feelings)

• Prefer not to be too close to romantic partners (fearful)

• Both crave and avoid intimacy

• Don’t believe that intimacy and emotions are important (more important to be self-reliant)

• May be a loner

• Prefer spending time pursuing intellectual goals and avoid social interactions

• Attracted to people who don’t want to help meet needs

If this is of interest to you, there are many quizzes online to help figure out which attachment style fits you best. It is also important to understand how your attachment style may interact with your partner’s attachment style in different areas of life such as conflict, communication, stress, etc. For example, a securely attached partner may not fully understand why their anxiously attached partner is always seeking validation in the relationship so showing understanding towards a partner rather than annoyance or frustration can help make the relationship stronger and the anxiety decrease. It is also beneficial to understand how you might have shown up in past relationships as well. Attachment can really open your eyes to the ways you have shown up towards a partner and others, to gain more insight, empathy, and understanding in your relationship.

References

Fraley, C. R. (2018). A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.

So you’ve developed some social anxiety during the pandemic? Now what?

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety disorder is a mental illness characterized by an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear makes it difficult to work, hangout with friends and generally function in a “normal” way. While not everyone is diagnosable, there are plenty of people who identify with certain characteristics of this mental illness.

For the past 16 months everyone’s social interactions have been limited. Whether you have been completely isolated, or had minimal interactions with friends, family, or coworkers no one has been living a completely normal social life.

As I sit with clients week after week I have noticed some common themes come up for everyone. First, saying yes to any and all plans offered. Before the pandemic people felt they could more freely choose when they wanted to socialize and when they wanted to have alone time. Now, many people are feeling such a draw to say yes because they have been lacking for so long.

I recommend thinking about how much time you would like to spend doing particular things in your life. Break it down into hours or percentages or whatever works for you. Take into account the things you MUST do each week such as work, exercise, sleep, eating, etc. And then figure out how much time you realistically have for “free” activities. Next, consider how much of that free time you want to spend by yourself and how much you want to spend with others. Having a clear idea of your priorities will help you make more informed decisions.

Second, people are feeling completely depleted from the new expectations being set. We have adapted in the past year to spending time alone, or with very few people. Now many of us are expected to be at the office, then attend happy hours, and have plans during the weekend. We have weddings to make up for, birthdays, etc. It can all start to feel so overwhelming.

Start by practicing saying NO because you are not obligated to say yes to anyone except yourself. If you want to go out to dinner with that friend, then do. If you want to sit at home and read a book alone, then do that instead. The opportunity to go out to dinner with a friend will always be present. Make the choices that work for YOU, not everyone else.

Another theme I’ve seen a lot is the anxiety associated with returning to work. Some people have loved working from home and adjusted to the ability to do laundry or other house chores while working. As businesses start opening and return to offices starts up I have notices a spike in anxiety. There are so many reasons this anxiety may be spiking for you. Some things I recommend to help ease that a bit is setting boundaries for yourself and communicating with your boss effectively.

Pay attention to the parts of working from home that worked for you and try to see how you can implement some of those while being in the office. If that means bringing some comfort items in such as your favorite mug or blanket, do it! Having a serious conversation with your boss or supervisor about how working from home impacted your mental health could also be an important step. Ask if you could have a hybrid work option. Remember that the only person who will advocate for your needs is YOU.

Overall, give yourself some grace because this is a big adjustment period. There has been so much change in the past 16 months and although there is a lot of excitement about seeing people, it also comes with a cost. Be kind to yourself when it feels a little awkward. Be kind to yourself when you’re not in the mood to go out. Remember you are rebuilding a muscle. When a person trains for a marathon they don’t start by running all 26.2 miles immediately, they have to build up slowly. This concept applies for you building your social muscle back. It will take time for you to be able to be social the way you used to be (if you even want to go back to that) and that is OKAY.

Mind and Body, Here and Now: Three Favorite Grounding Exercises

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The Greek word “soma” means the body and “psyche” means the mind. Somatic psychotherapy is therapy guided by the practice of present-moment body awareness. Directing your attention toward your inner world of sensations gives you important data about your emotional state. Did you know that all feelings – shame, anger, love, burnout, fear - are experienced in physiological changes in the body first? We sense the changes and interpret them in our minds. When we disconnect from our bodies it can be an unconscious attempt to bolt from some of these unwanted feelings. Slowing down and noticing the body helps us observe and name our feelings which gives us choice about how to manage them.

Here are three of my favorite grounding exercises. These all involve breath awareness and body scanning. What I like about these exercises is that each one uses a guided image to help us get in touch with our bodies. These are well-suited for those who feel intimidated by classic meditation or mindfulness practices.

ROOTS

Go outside (if possible). Stand tall and imagine you are a tree. Feel your feet rooted to the ground below. Lift your arms upward like tall branches that stretch up toward the sunlight. Take in some deep breaths and direct your attention to your body sensations. Feel the wakefulness in your feet (roots), the balance of your spine (trunk), the freedom of your swaying arms (branches). What type of energy is in your body today? Can you bring non-judgement to whatever you notice? Be with your body in this stance.

EMPTY CUP

While sitting, cup your hands together, creating a small “cup”. Now close your eyes and notice the inner sensations of your hands as they form the empty cup. Isn’t it interesting how you “know” your hands are there without seeing them? You sense them. With your cupped hands as a symbol of receptivity bring your attention to the various sensations within your body, physical and emotional. Receive the data. This simple practice of noticing the body helps us to regain awareness of our present state and focus the mind and body for our next purpose.

PROTECTIVE LIGHT

Imagine a beam of light encircling you. The light that surrounds you can be any color you choose. Choose your color now. It is a powerful, loving, protective light. You can call on this light when you are scared, stressed, overwhelmed or need space from others. The light differentiates you from others and helps you set the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. What can you connect with in your body right now? Breathe in and out, in and out, and give yourself permission in this protected space to listen to your needs.