The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 1

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

When couples feel stuck in their communication with one another, report the same fights over and over, and share that these conflicts are happening frequently, I consider framing their challenge as a cycle.

Generally, our fights with our partners become patterned at some point. We learned to fight from our caregivers, environment, and what we witnessed growing up and this can follow us into our adult relationships. Inevitably, our conflict style will interact with someone else’s and create a dance so to speak. This partner is also carrying experiences and ideas of how conflict is supposed to work and will bring this into relationship with us. We see when we do X with our partner Y will happen and so on. Some of these cycles can feel validating and move towards a resolution. Some feel stuck and painful. Some fall between those places.

Consider the cycle below. Notice that there are things called vulnerabilities and survival strategies. This cycle illustrates that when a vulnerability is tapped into, a survival strategy is used for protection. This same survival strategy can activate the other person’s vulnerability and their own survival strategy. Your partner’s survival strategy can activate your vulnerability. And around and around you go.

This is a specific cycle that names pieces interactions that are operating without our awareness. This cycle incorporates something called a vulnerability which you can think of as a sensitivity that we carry from our past experiences. These vulnerabilities come from past relationships, the context of the world we live in, trauma, and so forth. Some examples of vulnerabilities include the feeling that partners will always abandon us, feeling very scared and sensitive to someone yelling, and feeling untrusting of doctors or the police force. All of these vulnerabilities come from real experiences and our bodies are primed to react to protect us when vulnerabilities are activated. This response is normal and good.

Survival strategies come into play when a vulnerability is triggered. These strategies are highly adaptive. I have deep respect for the ways in which we protect ourselves from pain. They are called survival strategies for a reason, and I believe they help us get through tough and maybe even life-threatening moments. There are times when these strategies need to be here. I also know that sometimes these strategies can get in our own way. For example, when someone yells at us, we can shut down, get very quiet, and not interact anymore. This is an attempt at protection when our bodies recognize something scary is happening. For example, if that person yelling at you was a parent and or partner that you couldn’t get away from at the time, this strategy helped you survive those moments. Fast forward to another time in your life when that partner or parent is not present, and this survival strategy appears with someone new, it could get in the way of this new relationship thriving. Shutting down with this new person could leave them in the dark and leave conflict unresolved.

Prompts for Reflection

Pause here. Think about the stuck points in your relationship with your partner(s), and consider the following questions. These questions can bring up a lot. Give yourself permission to pause and come back to this as needed. It will always be here to explore. Be gentle in this work. It’s courageous to explore these parts of yourself:

In my relationship(s), when we have conflict, is there a pattern here?

How do I protect myself when I’m feeling vulnerable (what is the survival strategy)?

How has this served me?

 Thank your survival strategy for protecting you. It served a purpose and kept you safe. 

How is this survival strategy holding me back?

When I use this survival strategy with others, how do they respond to me?

What is this survival strategy protecting? What is the vulnerability underneath?

Where did this come from?

Do my partner(s) know where this survival strategy came from?

What would it be like to tell them about the origins?

Would they treat that information with love and care?

Do I feel like I want to share this information?

In my next post, I will talk further on how we can change these cycles.

References:

Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.