The Vulnerability Cycle Part 1

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

When couples feel stuck in their communication with one another, report the same fights over and over, and share that these conflicts are happening frequently, I consider framing their challenge as a cycle.

Generally, our fights with our partners become patterned at some point. We learned to fight from our caregivers, environment, and what we witnessed growing up and this can follow us into our adult relationships. Inevitably, our conflict style will interact with someone else’s and create a dance so to speak. This partner is also carrying experiences and ideas of how conflict is supposed to work and will bring this into relationship with us. We see when we do X with our partner Y will happen and so on. Some of these cycles can feel validating and move towards a resolution. Some feel stuck and painful. Some fall between those places.

Consider the cycle below. Notice that there are things called vulnerabilities and survival strategies. This cycle illustrates that when a vulnerability is tapped into, a survival strategy is used for protection. This same survival strategy can activate the other person’s vulnerability and their own survival strategy. Your partner’s survival strategy can activate your vulnerability. And around and around you go.

This is a specific cycle that names pieces interactions that are operating without our awareness. This cycle incorporates something called a vulnerability which you can think of as a sensitivity that we carry from our past experiences. These vulnerabilities come from past relationships, the context of the world we live in, trauma, and so forth. Some examples of vulnerabilities include the feeling that partners will always abandon us, feeling very scared and sensitive to someone yelling, and feeling untrusting of doctors or the police force. All of these vulnerabilities come from real experiences and our bodies are primed to react to protect us when vulnerabilities are activated. This response is normal and good.

Survival strategies come into play when a vulnerability is triggered. These strategies are highly adaptive. I have deep respect for the ways in which we protect ourselves from pain. They are called survival strategies for a reason, and I believe they help us get through tough and maybe even life-threatening moments. There are times when these strategies need to be here. I also know that sometimes these strategies can get in our own way. For example, when someone yells at us, we can shut down, get very quiet, and not interact anymore. This is an attempt at protection when our bodies recognize something scary is happening. For example, if that person yelling at you was a parent and or partner that you couldn’t get away from at the time, this strategy helped you survive those moments. Fast forward to another time in your life when that partner or parent is not present, and this survival strategy appears with someone new, it could get in the way of this new relationship thriving. Shutting down with this new person could leave them in the dark and leave conflict unresolved.

Prompts for Reflection

Pause here. Think about the stuck points in your relationship with your partner(s), and consider the following questions. These questions can bring up a lot. Give yourself permission to pause and come back to this as needed. It will always be here to explore. Be gentle in this work. It’s courageous to explore these parts of yourself:

In my relationship(s), when we have conflict, is there a pattern here?

How do I protect myself when I’m feeling vulnerable (what is the survival strategy)?

How has this served me?

 Thank your survival strategy for protecting you. It served a purpose and kept you safe. 

How is this survival strategy holding me back?

When I use this survival strategy with others, how do they respond to me?

What is this survival strategy protecting? What is the vulnerability underneath?

Where did this come from?

Do my partner(s) know where this survival strategy came from?

What would it be like to tell them about the origins?

Would they treat that information with love and care?

Do I feel like I want to share this information?

In my next post, I will talk further on how we can change these cycles.

References:

Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.