Impact of Love Maps on Relationship Health: Building Stronger Connections

By Caroline NeaL, LMFT

In the quest for a fulfilling and enduring relationship, understanding your partner’s inner world is crucial. Dr. John Gottman’s concept of the “Love Map” provides a valuable framework for this understanding, revealing how deep knowledge of each other’s experiences, preferences, and emotions can profoundly impact relationship health. Here’s how Love Maps contribute to stronger, more resilient relationships and practical ways to leverage this concept for enhancing your connection.

What is a Love Map?

A Love Map is essentially a mental map that contains detailed information about your partner’s life. This includes their history, current concerns, future dreams, likes, dislikes, and everyday routines. Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that couples with well-developed Love Maps—where partners have a deep understanding of each other’s inner worlds—tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships.

The Impact of Love Maps on Relationship Health

1. Enhanced Emotional Intimacy

A well-developed Love Map fosters emotional intimacy by allowing partners to connect on a deeper level. When you know and understand your partner’s fears, dreams, and values, you can respond to their emotional needs more effectively. This mutual understanding creates a sense of closeness and security, essential components for a strong, emotionally fulfilling relationship.

2. Improved Communication

Understanding each other’s Love Map leads to more effective and meaningful communication. When you are familiar with your partner’s background and current concerns, you can engage in conversations that are more relevant and empathetic. This deeper communication helps to avoid misunderstandings and facilitates a more open and honest dialogue, reducing the likelihood of conflicts and enhancing relationship satisfaction.

3. Increased Empathy and Support

A comprehensive Love Map enables you to be more empathetic and supportive. Knowing your partner’s struggles, aspirations, and preferences allows you to offer support that is truly aligned with their needs. This empathy strengthens your connection and demonstrates that you are attentive to their experiences, building a stronger foundation of trust and mutual support.

4. Stronger Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle disagreements can make a significant difference. When you understand each other’s Love Maps, you can approach conflicts with greater insight into your partner’s perspective. This understanding helps to address underlying issues more effectively and work towards solutions that respect both partners’ needs and viewpoints.

5. Greater Relationship Satisfaction

Couples with well-developed Love Maps often report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. This satisfaction stems from the feeling of being known and valued by your partner. The sense of being truly understood and appreciated contributes to overall happiness and fulfillment in the relationship.

Practical Steps to Develop and Maintain Your Love Map

1. Ask Meaningful Questions

Engage in regular conversations that go beyond everyday topics. Ask questions about your partner’s dreams, fears, and significant life experiences. For instance, inquire about their childhood memories, future goals, or what they value most in life. This helps to deepen your understanding and keeps your Love Map current.

2. Share Your Own Insights

A two-way exchange of information strengthens your Love Map. Share your own experiences, dreams, and concerns with your partner. This reciprocal openness fosters mutual understanding and ensures that both partners are equally invested in each other’s inner worlds.

3. Regular Check-Ins

Make it a habit to regularly update each other on changes in your lives. This could involve discussing new interests, recent challenges, or shifts in personal goals. Regular check-ins help keep your Love Map up-to-date and relevant, ensuring that you remain connected and informed about each other’s evolving needs.

4. Celebrate Each Other’s Achievements

Acknowledge and celebrate your partner’s achievements and milestones. Recognizing their successes and showing genuine interest in their accomplishments reinforces your knowledge of their goals and fosters a sense of shared joy and support.

5. Practice Active Listening

When your partner shares something with you, practice active listening. Show that you are fully engaged in the conversation by reflecting on what they’ve said and validating their feelings. This active engagement demonstrates that you value their perspective and are committed to understanding their Love Map.

Conclusion

The concept of the Love Map underscores the importance of knowing your partner on a deep and meaningful level. By developing and maintaining a comprehensive Love Map, you can enhance emotional intimacy, improve communication, and build a stronger, more resilient relationship. Investing in this understanding not only enriches your connection but also contributes to overall relationship health and satisfaction. Embrace the journey of exploring each other’s inner worlds, and let your Love Map be a guide to creating a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a leading approach in couples therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s. Grounded in attachment theory, EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding in maintaining healthy, lasting relationships. Let’s explore the key highlights of EFT and why it’s so effective in couples therapy.

1. Focus on Emotional Bonding

EFT centers on the belief that secure emotional bonds are essential to relationship health. It helps couples understand and address their attachment needs—the desire for closeness, security, and connection. By focusing on these core needs, EFT aims to rebuild and strengthen the emotional bond between partners.

2. Identifying Negative Interaction Patterns

EFT helps couples identify and understand the negative interaction patterns that fuel conflict and disconnection. These cycles often involve blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal, which can erode trust. By recognizing these patterns, couples can start to break the cycle and create healthier ways of interacting.

3. Deepening Emotional Communication

Beyond surface-level discussions, EFT encourages couples to explore and express their deeper emotions and vulnerabilities. Therapists create a safe space for this emotional communication, fostering empathy and understanding between partners. This deeper connection enhances emotional intimacy and strengthens the relationship.

4. Repairing and Strengthening Relationships

EFT is particularly powerful in repairing relationships damaged by conflict or emotional wounds. By addressing the root causes of distress and fostering emotional responsiveness, EFT helps couples heal and build a more secure, resilient bond.

5. Proven Effectiveness

EFT is one of the most researched and validated forms of couples therapy, with studies showing its effectiveness in improving relationship satisfaction and emotional connection. The positive effects of EFT often endure over time, making it a reliable approach for lasting relationship improvement.

Emotionally Focused Therapy provides couples with a profound approach to healing and strengthening their relationship. By focusing on emotional bonding, breaking negative cycles, and deepening emotional communication, EFT offers a powerful path to lasting change. Whether you’re facing challenges in your relationship or seeking to enhance your connection, EFT can help you build a more fulfilling and resilient partnership.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Not Your Typical Date Night

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Date nights have always seemed to be such a huge topic discussed for couples when it comes to connecting with one another and spending quality time. I discuss this with my clients all the time and think it is so incredibly important! But I also think there is a misconception that date “nights” need to be dinner and a movie or dinner and drinks, or something having to do with spending money. Sure, that is one way of going about having dates, but it doesn’t always have to be at night, and it doesn’t always have to cost money.

I completely understand that for those who go into the office and work a 9am-5pm job that your schedule is a bit less flexible. You can still come home and spend some time before bed at least once a week with your partner. I also think many couples (specifically those who do work at home) think that living together and being around one another is spending time, but there is a difference between that and spending quality time where you are interacting and sharing an experience.

There are so many free post work activities you can do with a partner such as cooking dinner together, going for a walk, exploring a new area of your town that you don’t usually go to, playing a card/board game, having a movie night in the living room, using the free Gottman Card Decks app and asking each other questions, going to a museum, doing an at-home workout together, and many more! Those are just a few options that don’t cost any money and don’t really take too much time. I understand after work, you might be exhausted and not in the mood to do much, but even doing one of these dates once a week can make such a difference feeling connected and in tune with one another.

For those of you that have more flexibility in your schedule throughout the day and don’t necessarily have a 9-5 job, you can still implement these dates at different times in the day, such as sitting down and having coffee or breakfast together, going for a walk, doing a workout, having a picnic in a different area or even your yard, etc. The book “8 Dates” by John and Julie Gottman is another cheap way to have meaningful and intention dates with your partner, and you’re reading something together as well.

Sometimes you must prioritize one another and find a time that works in your everyday routines. Especially those partners that crave quality time as their love language, this is a need that has to be met to feel loved, cared about, connected, and  listened to, so work as a team to find the time that is best. That may be different given the week, but that’s okay. Be creative! Find activities that the two of you really enjoy together whether that costs money or not but remember if you are trying to save money and are on a budget, dates do not have to be an added expense to worry about. There are so many free options and fun things you can do, especially when trying to take advantage of the weather while it is nice out!

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Summary/Review of The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov (and Edward M. Hallowell)

By Nicole marino AMFT

Recently, I had the privilege of reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I thought the book was well-written and incredibly helpful for marriages consisting of an ADHD and non-ADHD spouse. As a therapist, I found this book enlightening to how ADHD shows up in many relationships, and how it impacts both the ADHD spouse and the non-ADHD spouse. The book was broken down into three main parts: Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage, Rebuilding Your Relationship in Six Steps, and Worksheets/Tools. I am going to go through each part and give a brief summary of what you can expect when reading.

The first part went through the common symptoms of an ADHD diagnosis and how the symptoms present for both the ADHD and non-ADHD spouse. It is important to note that not every relationship has a non-ADHD spouse and an ADHD spouse, but for the purpose of the summary, this is the language and dynamic that was chosen to highlight. This part of the book, from my own experience, allowed me to have a better idea and understanding of what ADHD looks like and how to cultivate empathy for both partners in the relationship who may be suffering. This part went through and explained many statistics and research around ADHD’s impact to a marriage., and the different types of dynamics within a relationship. This part also highlights the rewards of rebuilding a marriage that has been affected by ADHD in a very encouraging, positive, and motivating way. This section goes through symptoms that the non-ADHD spouse may be experiencing and normalizes the impact by including real life examples posted from Melissa Orlov’s interactive blog: adhdmarriage.com.

The next part, and the main part of the book is broken down into six steps to take towards bettering the marriage/relationship. I am not going to fully go through what each section explains but will give a brief overview for reference. To learn more, I highly recommend reading the book to gain more insight, information, understanding, and tools!

1. Cultivating Empathy for Your Spouse: The first step is incredibly important, especially when it comes to healing past resentment. It is key to understand your partner and their experience in the marriage, whether that is the experience of the ADHD spouse or non-ADHD spouse. Being able to empathize with what both partners are going through is a main step towards feeling more connected and on the same page. This also helps when it comes to reactions and responses towards certain triggers or symptoms. Gaining empathy can slow those reactions down to be able to choose a different response to the symptom knowing what the other person is experiencing as well.

2. Addressing Obstacle Emotions: This section better highlights different emotions and responses to symptoms of ADHD specifically from the non-ADHD spouse. For example, anger was a common response to the ADHD struggles in a marriage. The author did a good job including examples to show how anger presents and how it impacts the ADHD spouse most likely on the receiving end of the anger (even though impulsive anger is also another symptom of ADHD). This step discusses how to let go of certain negative emotions/responses as they do nothing productive for the relationship and partner interactions.

3. Getting Treatment for You Both: This step discusses the importance of seeking treatment for both the ADHD spouse and non-ADHD spouse throughout the process of bettering the relationship. For the ADHD spouse, it is helpful to seek professional help to understand symptoms better and gain tools for symptom management. For the non-ADHD spouse, it is important to seek professional treatment to gain support and better coping techniques to manage reactions and emotions towards partner. This step also talks about the choice around medication.

4. Improving Communication: This part walks you through different techniques around having various conversations in a marriage and how it is vital to improve communication in order to improve connection. It is important to listen to one another, validate each other’s experiences, negotiate/compromise respectfully, and increase emotional safety for both partners. This step also goes into how gender plays a role in communication differences, and what to look out for.

5. Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voices: This section goes into personal boundaries, how to identify your own personal boundaries, and how to enforce personal boundaries. The author notes the importance of identifying which boundaries are most important for an individual and where your threshold is for each boundary. With this, you can better understand expectations for each other and what is realistic versus unrealistic to expect. The step then goes into processing how each spouse can respect their partner’s boundaries and create an action plan.

6. Reigniting Romance and Having Some Fun: This step discusses the importance of reintroducing romance and intimacy into your marriage, and how having fun together is a vital part of relationship success. It is important to try and get back to doing fun things together that you use to enjoy at the beginning of the relationship or trying new things together. Having new adventures brings you closer together and reignites that romantic spark and excitement.

The last brief part of the book is a reference chapter full of different tools, techniques, and tips for achieving the six steps. As you read each of the steps, there are different tips and tools specific to what the step’s goal is to help both partners improve on these skills and achieve overall betterment in the marriage/relationship. Not all the tools will be applicable for every person or marriage, depending on the specific struggles you are going through, but you can tailor your toolbox with whatever works best for you and your partner!

Overall, I found this book incredibly beneficial to read not only for my knowledge as a therapist and for my work with my couples/clients, but just to gain a better understanding of how ADHD presents in a person, and a relationship. As someone who has personal relationships with individuals diagnosed with ADHD, I have gained a different perspective on what they may go through every day and how their ADHD shows up for them in their personal relationships. For more information around the book, author, or ADHD in general, you can visit Melissa Orlov’s website at adhdmarriage.com (blog posts included there).

The Five Languages of Apology

By Jessy westin, amft

Did you know that there are different ways to apologize? What one person considers an apology is not always what another person considers to be an apology. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of The Five Languages of Apology, identify five distinct types of apologies. When we feel hurt, we may differ in what exactly we are looking for to feel the most heard and seen by the one trying to make amends. Identifying your apology language and your partner’s apology language can help you better understand each other and provide a path toward a healing relationship.

Types of apology languages:

1. Expressing Regret - “I am sorry.”

Expressing regret focuses on the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person what specifically you are sorry about and demonstrating that you truly understand how hurtful your actions were.

● “I am truly sorry for losing my temper and yelling at you. I know that I hurt you very deeply.”

● “I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

2. Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.”

Accepting responsibility means being willing to admit that you were wrong and recognizing the mistakes made. It can be challenging to admit to our mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain for someone else. However, for some individuals, hearing someone accept responsibility for their wrongdoing is the most important part of an apology.

● “I was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.”

● “I take full responsibility. I know that it was my fault.”

3. Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

For some individuals, hearing ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ may not always be enough. This apology focuses on finding a way to make things right. If you are the one hurt, you are looking for that “next step” and that reassurance that it will not happen again.

● “How can I make this up to you?

● “What can I do that would make this right between us?”

4. Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Expressing your desire to change is communicating not only that you regret what you did, but also that your desire is to not do it again. It may be difficult for someone to forgive if they see the same action being done again and again. This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will change their behavior in future similar situations.

● “I regret what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Can we talk about how to avoid it next time?”

● “Can we put together a plan that will help me to stop doing this?”

5. Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness gives the other the space to decide if they would like to forgive you. It is meaningful that the forgiveness was requested, not demanded.

● Can you please forgive me for what I did?”

● “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you will forgive me.”

Questions to consider in identifying your apology language:

● What do I want the person to say or do to help make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them?

● What hurts most deeply about the situation?

● Which language is most important (or do I usually use) when I apologize?

References

Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. M. (2008). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Moody Publishers.

Goop. What it takes to give (and receive) a good apology.

Love Languages: A Give and Take with Couples

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

In my experience working with couples (and individuals), the importance on love languages is very prevalent. I see it similarly to the idea of showing support. We all have our natural ways of wanting to show support given how we know we want to receive support. But when the other person doesn’t need or want to be shown support in that way, they may feel the other person doesn’t care to fulfill their needs for support accurately. The same thing goes for love languages and the way we want to receive love.

We will be talking about the five original love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. It is important to keep in mind that there may be differences in your love languages based on how you want to receive love and the way you want to show love. I find this distinction very relevant for couples work because it can take extra effort to shift your focus of showing love if the way your partner wants to receive love is different than how you naturally show love. I always tell couples that if this is the case, it doesn’t mean you can never give your partner gifts if that is how you express love; it just means that you also must make a conscious decision to put effort forth to give your partner words of affirmation if that is the way they need to receive love. Another thing to note is that many people do not just fall into one category for love languages but may be a mix of a few or have a certain priority list for which they prefer/need the most.

Words of Affirmation: A partner desires being shown love or giving love through verbal connection and affirmations. This can be as simple as an “I love you” in the morning, a sweet post-it note on the mirror, showing appreciation and acknowledgement for their efforts around the house, or even a handwritten love letter. Someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs emotional intimacy through words and hearing that a partner cares and loves them.

Acts of Service: A partner desires to be shown love when their partner is physically helpful and partakes in certain tasks, so the other person does not have to. This can be concrete tasks such as the dishes, laundry, cleaning the snow off the car, picking them up from the airport after a trip, or making dinner. It can also be smaller things such as putting toothpaste on a partner’s toothbrush in the morning, filling up their water bottle, starting the shower for them, etc. When living with a partner, there are many options of tasks around the home that can be done to show acts of service especially knowing a partner’s everyday routine.

Gifts: People who love gifts or gift-giving don’t always view this is as some grand gesture. Often, it is the little things that can make a partner feel special such as picking up their favorite meal from the grocery store, bringing back something they were running low on, their favorite sweet treat, flowers, and anything that made you think of them. A person with gifts as their love language just wants a partner to show they love them by thinking of them in little (or big) ways in the form of a physical item. To know their partner went somewhere and thought of them makes all the difference.

Quality Time: A person who needs to be shown love through quality time just wants to physically and mentally be present with a partner. They thrive from doing activities with a partner even activities like running errands, driving around, playing a game, going on a walk, going on a date somewhere, etc. It is so important to keep in mind that quality time is different than just passive time together such as living together and going about your routines and watching a show or movie. A partner who desires quality time wants the quality in it. Maybe try putting phones away and just enjoying each other’s company one on one.

Physical Touch: A person or partner who needs physical touch to be shown love doesn’t always want the touch to be sexual, even though that is part of it. Physical touch can be as innocent as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They feel most loved through someone physically expressing it to them and feeling a partner wanting to be close to them.

Now that we have gone over the five original love languages, it is important to figure out which love languages you gravitate the most towards whether that be one main way of showing and receiving love, or a mix of a few. It is also essential to understand the way your partner gives and wants to receive love. Like stated before, you can still show a partner love in the way that is natural and feels good for you to do so, but it is necessary to also learn their love languages to understand how you can show them love and when they are also showing you love in their natural way. It is a way to better understand each other and recognize when your partner is expressing their care and appreciation. There are many love languages quizzes and books to learn more such as: 5lovelanguages.com and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

The Search For A Therapist

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Looking for a therapist can be an intimidating process that often feels shrouded in mystery. For both first-timers to therapy and those with prior experiences, setting out to begin a new relationship is hard. It can seem like an impossible task to choose a total stranger from a list of internet search results and expect that person to be well-matched for your goals and to possess a presence that feels connected and compatible with your own way of being. The lack of clear expectations for the search process and initial session can create anxiety. And anxiety can freeze us into avoidance. Furthermore, many people begin the search for a therapist when they are already stretched thin by stressors in their lives, and they have few internal resources to call on for the search.

I get asked frequently “how can I find a therapist?”. Here is my roadmap to answer that question. I hope it helps you find your way to support. The end destination will be worth the journey, I promise!

1.     Gather Names

• Online directories like Psychology Today can be a springboard. You can filter by specialty, training, location, and reach out to therapists directly. The online directory from your insurance company can also help you locate someone already in-network.

• Ask your primary care physician for a referral list of therapist/practices.

• Another approach is to START WITH ONE NAME that can send you a couple referrals. For example, your husband’s therapist or your friend who IS a therapist or your kid’s school counselor. They are not going to treat you but they CAN provide you with leads to help you land with a great therapist. Therapists love to provide referrals. It is a deeply rewarding part of our job to expand and promote access to care. So don’t hesitate to start with one name and ask that name for names.

2.     Make Contact

• Okay, you’ve got a name and email address. Now what? Send an email to establish whether it could be a good fit from a logistical standpoint – scheduling, insurance, etc. I’m a fan of addressing fit from a logistical standpoint up front as this reduces the likelihood of finding someone you mesh with stylistically only to later discover an administrative barrier to working together. Here’s what to include in your outreach email:

• Openings? State that you’re looking for a therapist and ask if are they taking on new clients.

• Modality:  State the type of therapy you’re seeking: individual, couple, or family.

• Scheduling: Offer relevant scheduling information like “I’m free weekday evenings only” “I’m very flexible with scheduling” “mornings before 11am” “Wednesday or Monday anytime”.

• Insurance/payment info: Share your insurance provider to confirm that the therapist is in network or inform the therapist if you won’t be using insurance. If you want rate information, inquire about fees.

• In-person or telehealth: State your preference, if you have one. (“I prefer telehealth” “I prefer in-person” “I have no preference between in-person and telehealth.”)

3.     Phone Consult

• If the therapist replies that they can take you on feel free to ask for a brief phone consultation to get a sense of the therapist’s style and presence. Feel free to ask about their approach to therapy and experience.  You may want to share a topline summary of what you want to work on and the therapist may weigh in on whether that problem/issue is within their scope of competence. They will often provide referrals if your needs fall outside their scope. A therapist will normally try to keep this phone call to 10-15 minutes.

• You may opt to skip the consult call option and move into scheduling your initial session. Just a head’s up, the initial session typically costs more than subsequent sessions because it involves more work for the therapist (intake forms and creating a client record).

4.     Initial Session

• Expect the first session to begin with reviewing consent forms and practice policies. Confidentiality, cancellations, payment/insurance, and between-session contact will all be covered.

• The session will be about getting to know each other and beginning to define the current challenges and goals of therapy.

• Remember building trust and connection takes time, as with any relationship. However, if it’s not feeling like the right fit after several sessions, tell the therapist and the therapist will gladly offer to help with referrals to get you started with someone else. Don’t feel bad about this! The therapeutic relationship is the most important factor for success so if it’s not working, the therapist will want to support your journey toward a better fit.

Scheduling Time for Rest

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I often find myself sitting with clients who feel like they need to be doing more, whether it be at work, in their personal life, in their relationships, and even in regards to their mental health. For a while I thought maybe it was just a certain type of client, perhaps those high achieving perfectionists. I’ve started to notice every single client is feeling this way in at least one area of their life.

 In recent years there is a lot of language around “boss babes” and this idea that we constantly as humans need to be moving and being productive. The intensity level of hustle culture has reinforced to everyone that if you’re not busy and running yourself ragged then you aren’t doing enough. This is incredibly false. 

Productivity is a concept I find many people struggle with. The constant push and pull to be productive while desperately wanting and needing rest seems to be never ending. The thing is though, rest IS productive. Our bodies inherently need rest to function and be able to be our most productive selves with the other areas of our lives. Let's use marathon training for an example, most people don’t run 20 miles the day before running a marathon. In fact, they don’t usually run for the two or three days leading up to the marathon. They do this so that their legs are well rested and ready to run their fastest and longest distance. 

Life is kind of like a marathon, so when you do something big like run 26 miles, you need to rest before and after. This doesn’t just apply to the big stuff, but the small events in life as well.  One way I find it helpful to force yourself to rest is by scheduling it. Try picking a specific day a week to have just time for yourself to lounge, watch tv, do whatever you want that feels restful to YOU. Rest looks different to everyone, so make sure you’re listening to your body.

The Last Taboo: Couples and Money

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Social media has broken down the walls around previously taboo subjects such as sex and politics. But talking about money is the last taboo. Friends, family members, and partners in intimate relationships will talk about anything else to avoid disclosures about what’s in their bank account or how much they earn. And yet, couples fight more about money than anything else. Here are just three examples of those chronic triggers: To what degree do earnings dictate power in the household? What are the differences between transparency, privacy, and secrecy? Do we merge our money or keep it separate? How do we plan for retirement?

Money is said to be the leading cause of divorce. So what is the sequence of dysfunction?

Discord about finances → financial strain → marital strain → decreased relationship satisfaction → decreased relationship stability → increased likelihood of divorce.

Studies confirm that in the area of money, it holds true that opposites attract. One tends to spend and one tends to save. We enter into a partnership with someone who has a constitutionally different orientation toward money and we enter that partnership with zero practice talking about that difference.

Therapists know that a person’s yearnings, fears, vulnerabilities, values, and hopes are all wrapped up in money. And most of these money beliefs and values are formed in childhood. When a couple enters therapy with financial discord, often, the first thing a therapist will do is create a financial genogram with them. This diagram tells the intergenerational history of money beliefs and values in each partner’s family. Learning about each other’s money stories helps expand understanding, curiosity, and empathy which tend to promote new pathways for choice, healing, and teamwork.

Here are some questions that couples can use on their own to prompt open conversations:

- What did you love about your parent’s relationship to money?

- What are some things about your parent’s relationship you want to leave in the past?

- What’s your first money memory?

A recent development in the field of marriage and family therapy is the appreciation for how profound financial discord can be on the health of relationships. This has led to an emerging niche within our industry: Financial Therapy. Financial therapists help couples connect the past to the present, emotions to behavior, and see how each one may be contributing to a dysfunctional cycle. These therapists are trained to understand the financial housekeeping practices that produce best outcomes and they are able to guide clients toward adopting these healthy habits.

To learn more about connecting with a Financial Therapist you can start by asking for a referral from a therapist you currently work with or use this database:

References:

1. David J. Mumford & Gerald R. Weeks (2003) The Money Genogram, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14:3, 33-44, DOI: 10.1300/J085v14n03_03

2. AAMFT Podcast

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Review of Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love by Anne Hodder-Shipp, CSE

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

About the author: Anne (she/they) is a founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Education which provides age-appropriate sex education to parents, youth, therapists, and aspiring sex educators. They also practice dreamwork & provide coaching focused on sex, relationships, parent-child dynamics, and more. See their website here for additional information!

Summary: This book focuses on updating the pre-existing “5 Love Languages” ideology as that was popularized by Gary Chapman. In contrast to those concepts, Hodder-Shipp has compiled 18 actions over the course of 6 years working with clients and tried to fill in gaps from the original 5. They synthesized their findings into this book while also acknowledge that it is not to been seen as an exhaustive list. Their aim was to put together a resource that suits diverse relationship configurations and demographics.

Pros:

 101-pages written in non-clinical terms for ease of reading

 Sex positive, expansive & affirming of varying relational and individual identities

 Applicable to self-love as well as the multitude of relationships with other that we experience – not just romantic or marriage-oriented ones!

 With each description of the “languages,” the author includes an infographic with some examples of how one may utilize them as well as examples of what they are NOT

 Purposely does not include a quiz (intended to promote fluid exploration of the different languages and decrease rigid ties to the concepts)

 Cost-effective ($2.99 on Amazon @ the time I purchased it)

 Offers a more inclusive update to current ideas and NOT an end-all-be-all list

 Provides a section at the end on self-soothing & co-regulation

Cons:

 18 different “languages” may be more difficult to remember than the popular 5 language model

 eBook only as of right now

 Does not include a quiz – some folks may find that disappointing

Take aways:

Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love is great for self-exploration! Especially for people who have maybe heard of the original 5 love languages but struggled to see themselves/their relationships in those terms. It could also be a helpful tool for therapists to use to normalize the many relationships that clients have. This book validates the expansive means in which people conceptualize love within different contexts- platonic friendships, work buddies, relatives, etc. Personally, I learned that I value Shared Beliefs in romantic & platonic relationships, Affirming Communication in my work relationships, and Accountability in my familial relationships! I resonated with some of the other concepts but figured I would name just a few.

My Rating: 5 out of 5 hearts! - for inclusivity, price point, and providing examples for the reader!

Here is the website for the book if you are in search of more information on the book!

This is a 12-min workshop on YouTube with an overview of the book & 5 of the 18 languages and how they can be applied to loving YOURSELF

Feeling Your Feelings and Why

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

Emily Nagoski, a researcher who studies stress and sex, discusses feeling feelings like moving through a tunnel. As long as we can stay with our feelings, legitimize them, learn to be with them, and provide them compassion, they will pass and we will get through to the other side. Another way to think of this process is like a wave in the ocean. A feeling will come and go and learning to be with it is where healing happens. We generally fear being with our emotions because we are afraid, we will be stuck with them when, in fact, if we give emotions time and space, they will pass. Some emotions can become trapped in our bodies if left unprocessed. If they are stuck in the tunnel, they will stay with us and come out in other ways such as being irritable, snappy, or even manifest as symptoms such as sleeplessness, hypertension, and gastrointestinal malaise.

I’d like to provide a brief framework in being with emotion from Tara Brach called RAIN. This is a great practice for thoughtfully being with emotion.

1. Recognize what is going on - consciously acknowledge the feelings you have. A great way to build awareness is to do a body scan from head to toe and identify where your body may hold tension.

2. Allow the experience to be there - allow the sensations to be there without trying to fix them or make them go away. Practice what it’s like to sit in this space.

3. Investigate with interest and care - use your curiosity and think about why this sensation is here, what it needs, what is the sensation trying to communicate.

4. Nurture with self-compassion - imagine you are speaking to someone you care about, a friend or family member perhaps, and what words of reassurance and love would you provide them if they expressed this feeling? Direct these words to yourself. It might sound like, “I’m sorry you’re carrying this. Know that I’m here with you. We will navigate this together. It makes sense that you’re feeling this.”

Resources:

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2020). Burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Ballantine Books.

Guided meditation by Tara Brach using RAIN linked here.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

Relationship Attachment: The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Before diving straight into the different attachment styles, it is important to first know what attachment and Attachment Theory even are. Attachment Theory was developed by a psychanalyst, John Bowlby who was studying infants’ behaviors when separated from their caregivers. Attachment Theory looks at how an infant is nurtured by a caregiver (loved, supported, neglected, abused, etc.) affects their attachment both in infancy towards a parent and later in adulthood in romantic relationships and friendships. With this said, attachment starts in childhood and continues in adulthood. Bowlby also studied the importance of infant’s independence from a caregiver to examine the difference attachment styles.

Looking specifically at attachment styles in adulthood is important for many reasons, especially when understanding how an individual shows up in a romantic relationship. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Many people often do not understand why they show up a certain way in their romantic relationships or why they react to their partner when they are upset or feeling ignored, so knowing your attachment style can give a lot of insight for both you and your partner.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

• Feel confident that other people will be there for you when you need them

• Feel relaxed and joyful in relationships

• Rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end

• Independent and sure of self

• Want to care for a romantic partner and make sure their needs are being met (supportive)

• Easy to share feelings/needs

• Feel comfortable sharing private thoughts with partner

• Feel comfortable being close to romantic partners

• It is helpful turning to a romantic partner in times of need

Anxious Attachment Characteristics

• Overall feel anxiety in relationships

• Fear losing partner/relationship

• Worry partner will not want to stay with them (ex: if they make a small mistake)

• Worry that romantic partners won’t care about them as much as they care for their partner

• Worry partner doesn’t really love/care about them

• May be jealous, clingy/needy, self-criticizing, dependent, have a constant sense of under-appreciation or being misunderstood leading to anger

• May look for a partner that is critical, dominant, and inconsistent with affection

• Feel partner is better than them therefore able to meet their needs better than they can for themselves

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

• Prefers not to show partner how they truly feel

• Find it difficult to let themselves be dependent on romantic partners

• Don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with romantic partners (communication and sharing feelings)

• Prefer not to be too close to romantic partners (fearful)

• Both crave and avoid intimacy

• Don’t believe that intimacy and emotions are important (more important to be self-reliant)

• May be a loner

• Prefer spending time pursuing intellectual goals and avoid social interactions

• Attracted to people who don’t want to help meet needs

If this is of interest to you, there are many quizzes online to help figure out which attachment style fits you best. It is also important to understand how your attachment style may interact with your partner’s attachment style in different areas of life such as conflict, communication, stress, etc. For example, a securely attached partner may not fully understand why their anxiously attached partner is always seeking validation in the relationship so showing understanding towards a partner rather than annoyance or frustration can help make the relationship stronger and the anxiety decrease. It is also beneficial to understand how you might have shown up in past relationships as well. Attachment can really open your eyes to the ways you have shown up towards a partner and others, to gain more insight, empathy, and understanding in your relationship.

References

Fraley, C. R. (2018). A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 1

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

When couples feel stuck in their communication with one another, report the same fights over and over, and share that these conflicts are happening frequently, I consider framing their challenge as a cycle.

Generally, our fights with our partners become patterned at some point. We learned to fight from our caregivers, environment, and what we witnessed growing up and this can follow us into our adult relationships. Inevitably, our conflict style will interact with someone else’s and create a dance so to speak. This partner is also carrying experiences and ideas of how conflict is supposed to work and will bring this into relationship with us. We see when we do X with our partner Y will happen and so on. Some of these cycles can feel validating and move towards a resolution. Some feel stuck and painful. Some fall between those places.

Consider the cycle below. Notice that there are things called vulnerabilities and survival strategies. This cycle illustrates that when a vulnerability is tapped into, a survival strategy is used for protection. This same survival strategy can activate the other person’s vulnerability and their own survival strategy. Your partner’s survival strategy can activate your vulnerability. And around and around you go.

This is a specific cycle that names pieces interactions that are operating without our awareness. This cycle incorporates something called a vulnerability which you can think of as a sensitivity that we carry from our past experiences. These vulnerabilities come from past relationships, the context of the world we live in, trauma, and so forth. Some examples of vulnerabilities include the feeling that partners will always abandon us, feeling very scared and sensitive to someone yelling, and feeling untrusting of doctors or the police force. All of these vulnerabilities come from real experiences and our bodies are primed to react to protect us when vulnerabilities are activated. This response is normal and good.

Survival strategies come into play when a vulnerability is triggered. These strategies are highly adaptive. I have deep respect for the ways in which we protect ourselves from pain. They are called survival strategies for a reason, and I believe they help us get through tough and maybe even life-threatening moments. There are times when these strategies need to be here. I also know that sometimes these strategies can get in our own way. For example, when someone yells at us, we can shut down, get very quiet, and not interact anymore. This is an attempt at protection when our bodies recognize something scary is happening. For example, if that person yelling at you was a parent and or partner that you couldn’t get away from at the time, this strategy helped you survive those moments. Fast forward to another time in your life when that partner or parent is not present, and this survival strategy appears with someone new, it could get in the way of this new relationship thriving. Shutting down with this new person could leave them in the dark and leave conflict unresolved.

Prompts for Reflection

Pause here. Think about the stuck points in your relationship with your partner(s), and consider the following questions. These questions can bring up a lot. Give yourself permission to pause and come back to this as needed. It will always be here to explore. Be gentle in this work. It’s courageous to explore these parts of yourself:

In my relationship(s), when we have conflict, is there a pattern here?

How do I protect myself when I’m feeling vulnerable (what is the survival strategy)?

How has this served me?

 Thank your survival strategy for protecting you. It served a purpose and kept you safe. 

How is this survival strategy holding me back?

When I use this survival strategy with others, how do they respond to me?

What is this survival strategy protecting? What is the vulnerability underneath?

Where did this come from?

Do my partner(s) know where this survival strategy came from?

What would it be like to tell them about the origins?

Would they treat that information with love and care?

Do I feel like I want to share this information?

In my next post, I will talk further on how we can change these cycles.

References:

Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.

3 Common Problematic Communication Patterns.

By Rachel D. Miller, LMFT

How we communicate our wants and needs, love and appreciation, concerns and criticisms strengthen or erode the foundation of our relationships. The most helpful communication aligns our words with our body language, thoughts, and feelings. When these things aren’t congruent, we risk sending mixed messages leaving our relationships vulnerable to conflict, misunderstandings and disconnection.

Effective communication in addition to being congruent also considers self, others, the larger context, and the relationship involved. Failing to take these into consideration often manifest as the below unhelpful communication patterns.

1) Blaming

Pointing a finger in accusation while feeling direct, useful, and even vindicating, in the moment, rarely leads to the change we are seeking. Blaming is identifiable by the frequent use of the word “you.” What is missing in blaming conversations is acknowledgement of any larger context at play and self-reflection. Thoughts, feelings, words, and body language might be aligned when we’re angry and blaming, but if we focus solely on the behaviors or attributes of the other person, we’ll likely be met with defensiveness, stonewalling, or counter attacks.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, I encourage you to get curious about what need or ask you might have under the blame. Take some time to consider the larger context around the situation and get curious about how it might be impacting things. I statements and focusing on your feelings, needs, and asks can keep defenses down, communication moving, and maybe get you closer to what you’re wanting. If the relationship is one that is important to you, ask for what you need in a way the other person is most likely able to give it to you. Remember, you’re on the same team.

2) Listening to respond instead of listening to understand

Too often when we listen to complaints, criticisms, or requests to change we immediately begin crafting a defense. When I see this happen in the therapy room arguing people are rarely arguing about what they think they’re arguing about. Typically, the listener missed the point the speaker was making because they were too busy figuring out all the reasons the speaker was wrong in their assessment of the situation or of them.

I urge clients in that moment to pause and take a deep breath. Then I inquire around what they believe the speaker said that is hitting a little too close to an uncomfortable truth for them. If it isn’t that, then I get curious about the story they are telling themselves about what they think the speaker means. Once the story is revealed we often discover it is a far cry from the speaker’s meaning and words.

If you recognize this pattern as something you do, there is a tool you might find helpful called Speaker/listener. You can read more about it here. Remember, if you notice yourself reacting to what you think someone said, curiosity can slow down the process and reduce reactivity. Ask questions; make sure you understand before you respond. Remember even common words can mean different things to different people in differing contexts. Which brings us to our third problematic pattern.

3) Assuming

When I work with people in therapy, I remind them often that how they define a word or concept may not be the way the person they’re communicating does. When your partner says that they are “close” with their family, you might assume that you know what that looks like for them, but the word “close” can mean everything from “my family and I did a lot of activities together when I was growing up” to “I talk to my mother twice a day.” We have to continually check in with people about how they are defining words and concepts rather than assume that what it means for you, is what it means for them. As my kids used to say to me, “Don’t assume, Mom. When you do you make an ass of u and me.”

If you find yourself assuming, as most of us will, I encourage you to shift to assuming you don’t know, assuming you can never fully understand someone else’s experience, and assuming the best of intentions from those you are in relationship with. Before responding, clarify meaning. Ask questions that can provide insight and empathy into what the other is experiencing.

It is impossible to be in relationships and be vulnerable without occasionally hurting someone or being hurt. What matters most is that we take accountability, apologize when necessary, be generous in our interpretations of the intentions of others, and attempt to make repairs when and where we can. Even the best communicators will screw up. Perfection is not the goal here. Commitment to practice and growth is all we can ask of ourselves and each other.

Four Relational Pitfalls and Their Antidotes

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

I refer to John Gottman’s research around the four horsemen of the apocalypse to better the relational skills of my clients (mostly couples) and myself. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. All of us use one or several of these negative strategies in our interactions at some point. Gottman’s research found that the heavy presence of these behaviors will corrode a relationship by increasing negativity and distrust. These factors largely contribute to Gottman’s ability to predict whether a couple will stay together or separate after observing a couple’s communication for 15 minutes with 96% accuracy. These behaviors are that powerful and that indicative of relational success (Gottman, 2015).

How to use this information.

I will outline the four horsemen as well as their antidotes below. I encourage you to think about which of these are present in your communication with your partner. It may be tempting to identify what’s wrong with your partner first, but for the sake of this exercise, keep this focused on you. You have more agency and power in changing your own behavior than your partner’s. If you find this exercise resonates, perhaps you can encourage your partner to read through this blog post or refer to the resources I’ve shared below. Clients have the most success in using this information when they own which of the four horsemen they bring to their interactions.

The four horsemen in greater detail.

1) Criticism

This is a statement that expresses negative opinions or judgements about the other person. These statements generally target a person’s character or personality. Here are some examples: “You always forget to load the dishwasher. How are you so forgetful? I can tell you really don’t care about our home because you don’t clean up after yourself.” or “You’re always looking for an opportunity to leave me at home with the kids. You are selfish. Can’t you see I’m drowning?!”

The antidote for this is to turn your criticism’s into complaints. Complaints are more vulnerable, objective, and give your partner a way back in. A complaint starts with an I statement (“I’m feeling really stressed”) followed by an objective description of the situation (“when the kitchen is messy”) followed by a need or a preference (“can you start putting away your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?”)

2) Contempt

This suggests a superiority over someone else. This often disrespects others through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or scoffing. This is often the result of pent-up resentment or unaddressed negative thoughts. Couples who are stuck in contempt are at the highest risk of divorce and are at higher risk of developing colds and the flu (Gottman, 2015).

The antidote for contempt is building appreciation and respect back into the relationship. Look for moments to highlight your partner’s efforts and increase moments of appreciation. Also look for opportunities to show affection (think about love languages) towards your partner. What you pay attention to grows. Get into the habit of noticing the positive parts of your partner and then make this known. Words of appreciation can sound like, “Thank you for making me a cup of coffee this morning. That really saved me time.” or “I’m so grateful you’re my partner. Thank you for listening to me vent about work.”

We can find ourselves in a place of contempt if the bad outweighs the good. Gottman has found that for every negative interaction, you need 5 positive interactions to balance this out to feel healthy and happy in your relationship. Start monitoring this ratio and up the appreciation and affection if needed (Gottman, 2015).

3) Stonewalling

This occurs when we withdraw from our partner. This can look like walking away during mid conversation, shutting down, appearing busy, etc. This can result from receiving too much criticism or contempt to the point where we need to disengage. This can feel protective, but when we stonewall, we are inaccessible to our partner so we cannot address what’s wrong.

The antidote to this is taking some time away from your partner deliberately and responsibly. Ask for some space if you’re feeling overwhelmed and use the time to regulate your emotions. Do something soothing (take a walk, read a book, listen to music, engage in an activity that takes your mind off the moment) for at least 30 minutes. Do not stew on the hard conversation. When you return to your partner, you will be in a better place to listen and offer your own perspective in a respectful way.

4) Defensiveness

We generally engage in defensiveness in response to criticism. It sounds like not taking responsibility for our behavior and blaming our partner instead. Here are some examples: “You’re really angry with me? I would help around the house more if you weren’t so mean to me!” or “I’m not the only one who yells, you yell at me all the time!”

In both of these instances, there is no recognition of the other person’s experience, and it sounds like blame which escalates things further. The antidote is taking ownership for the part(s) of the statement that make sense and acknowledging your partner’s experience. It generally involves some curiosity and validating statements. For example, it might sound like this: “I can understand why you want me to help out around the house. What are you needing?” or “I do yell when we argue. I’m going to try to work on that.”

Prompts

After you have a grasp of what the horsemen are, consider the following prompts:

- Which of the four horsemen do I identify with?

- When do I notice myself using one/some of the four horsemen?

- How do my partner(s) or loved ones respond when I do this?

- What are my alternative responses?

- If I try to practice an alternative response, what will make this challenging?

- What will help me? What can I do to set myself up so I can choose an alternative response?

- If I use one of the four horsemen, and catch my behavior after the fact, how can I take accountability?

- What does that look like and sound like?

Resources:

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Brene with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last

Handout of the four horsemen and antidotes

References:

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hachette UK.