The Five Languages of Apology
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By Jessy westin, amft
Did you know that there are different ways to apologize? What one person considers an apology is not always what another person considers to be an apology. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of The Five Languages of Apology, identify five distinct types of apologies. When we feel hurt, we may differ in what exactly we are looking for to feel the most heard and seen by the one trying to make amends. Identifying your apology language and your partner’s apology language can help you better understand each other and provide a path toward a healing relationship.
Types of apology languages:
1. Expressing Regret - “I am sorry.”
Expressing regret focuses on the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person what specifically you are sorry about and demonstrating that you truly understand how hurtful your actions were.
● “I am truly sorry for losing my temper and yelling at you. I know that I hurt you very deeply.”
● “I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”
2. Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.”
Accepting responsibility means being willing to admit that you were wrong and recognizing the mistakes made. It can be challenging to admit to our mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain for someone else. However, for some individuals, hearing someone accept responsibility for their wrongdoing is the most important part of an apology.
● “I was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.”
● “I take full responsibility. I know that it was my fault.”
3. Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”
For some individuals, hearing ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ may not always be enough. This apology focuses on finding a way to make things right. If you are the one hurt, you are looking for that “next step” and that reassurance that it will not happen again.
● “How can I make this up to you?
● “What can I do that would make this right between us?”
4. Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”
Expressing your desire to change is communicating not only that you regret what you did, but also that your desire is to not do it again. It may be difficult for someone to forgive if they see the same action being done again and again. This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will change their behavior in future similar situations.
● “I regret what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Can we talk about how to avoid it next time?”
● “Can we put together a plan that will help me to stop doing this?”
5. Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”
Asking for forgiveness gives the other the space to decide if they would like to forgive you. It is meaningful that the forgiveness was requested, not demanded.
● Can you please forgive me for what I did?”
● “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you will forgive me.”
Questions to consider in identifying your apology language:
● What do I want the person to say or do to help make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them?
● What hurts most deeply about the situation?
● Which language is most important (or do I usually use) when I apologize?
References
Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. M. (2008). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Moody Publishers.