Prioritizing Your Mental Health During the Holidays

By Nicole marino, amft

As we enter the winter months and into the holiday season, it is so important to make sure you are checking in with yourself around your mental well-being. The holiday season can evoke a wide range of emotions for people. While some look forward to celebrations, gatherings, and festive traditions, others may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even lonely. It’s important to recognize that mental health is just as crucial during this time as it is any other, potentially even more so. Here are some strategies to help manage your mental health during the holidays.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It’s so important to acknowledge and sit in the emotions that come up for you during the holidays, even the more “negative” emotions. It's normal to experience a mix of joy and stress. Journaling, talking to someone you trust, or meditating can be helpful ways to process emotions and identify what’s weighing on your mind.

Set Realistic Expectations

Holidays often come with high expectations, whether it’s creating the perfect get-together, finding the ideal gifts, or maintaining traditions. Try to set realistic goals and be flexible with yourself and your situations. Remember that it’s okay for things to not be perfect (they’re not meant to be!). Simplifying your plans can lead to a more enjoyable and less stressful experience.

Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is essential, especially during busy times. Carve out moments for yourself, whether that means enjoying a good book, going for a walk, or participating in your favorite hobby. Make a conscious effort to engage in activities that recharge your energy and bring you joy.

Reach Out for Support

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Talk to friends or family (anyone you trust) about how you’re feeling or consider seeking professional help if needed. Sometimes, simply sharing your thoughts can lighten the pressure and emotional burden. Remember, you’re not alone in this experience and others can relate!

Create New Traditions

If certain traditions are a source of stress or sadness, consider creating new ones. This can be an opportunity to adapt your celebrations to better fit your current feelings and circumstances. Finding what works for you can foster a sense of new beginnings.

Limit Social Media Exposure

Social media can amplify comparison. It’s easy to get caught up in the seemingly perfect lives of others. If you find yourself feeling down after scrolling, consider taking a break from social media during the holidays. Focus instead on real-life interactions and experiences. Focus on the things going on in your life that you are grateful for.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a strong tool during the holidays. Taking a few moments each day to practice deep breathing, meditation, or grounding techniques can help reduce stress and increase your overall well-being. Being present in the moment allows you to appreciate the little joys that the season brings.

Give Back

Engaging in acts of kindness or giving back to the community can provide a sense of purpose and connection. Volunteering your time or resources can remind you of the positive impact you can have on others!

While this season of time can bring a lot of joy and happiness, it can also take a toll on your mental health. By using these tips and reminders, you can better navigate the season ahead and know what is going to be best for you and your emotions. Ultimately, your mental health is the priority so the holidays can look however you want them to!

Impact of Love Maps on Relationship Health: Building Stronger Connections

By Caroline NeaL, LMFT

In the quest for a fulfilling and enduring relationship, understanding your partner’s inner world is crucial. Dr. John Gottman’s concept of the “Love Map” provides a valuable framework for this understanding, revealing how deep knowledge of each other’s experiences, preferences, and emotions can profoundly impact relationship health. Here’s how Love Maps contribute to stronger, more resilient relationships and practical ways to leverage this concept for enhancing your connection.

What is a Love Map?

A Love Map is essentially a mental map that contains detailed information about your partner’s life. This includes their history, current concerns, future dreams, likes, dislikes, and everyday routines. Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that couples with well-developed Love Maps—where partners have a deep understanding of each other’s inner worlds—tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships.

The Impact of Love Maps on Relationship Health

1. Enhanced Emotional Intimacy

A well-developed Love Map fosters emotional intimacy by allowing partners to connect on a deeper level. When you know and understand your partner’s fears, dreams, and values, you can respond to their emotional needs more effectively. This mutual understanding creates a sense of closeness and security, essential components for a strong, emotionally fulfilling relationship.

2. Improved Communication

Understanding each other’s Love Map leads to more effective and meaningful communication. When you are familiar with your partner’s background and current concerns, you can engage in conversations that are more relevant and empathetic. This deeper communication helps to avoid misunderstandings and facilitates a more open and honest dialogue, reducing the likelihood of conflicts and enhancing relationship satisfaction.

3. Increased Empathy and Support

A comprehensive Love Map enables you to be more empathetic and supportive. Knowing your partner’s struggles, aspirations, and preferences allows you to offer support that is truly aligned with their needs. This empathy strengthens your connection and demonstrates that you are attentive to their experiences, building a stronger foundation of trust and mutual support.

4. Stronger Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle disagreements can make a significant difference. When you understand each other’s Love Maps, you can approach conflicts with greater insight into your partner’s perspective. This understanding helps to address underlying issues more effectively and work towards solutions that respect both partners’ needs and viewpoints.

5. Greater Relationship Satisfaction

Couples with well-developed Love Maps often report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. This satisfaction stems from the feeling of being known and valued by your partner. The sense of being truly understood and appreciated contributes to overall happiness and fulfillment in the relationship.

Practical Steps to Develop and Maintain Your Love Map

1. Ask Meaningful Questions

Engage in regular conversations that go beyond everyday topics. Ask questions about your partner’s dreams, fears, and significant life experiences. For instance, inquire about their childhood memories, future goals, or what they value most in life. This helps to deepen your understanding and keeps your Love Map current.

2. Share Your Own Insights

A two-way exchange of information strengthens your Love Map. Share your own experiences, dreams, and concerns with your partner. This reciprocal openness fosters mutual understanding and ensures that both partners are equally invested in each other’s inner worlds.

3. Regular Check-Ins

Make it a habit to regularly update each other on changes in your lives. This could involve discussing new interests, recent challenges, or shifts in personal goals. Regular check-ins help keep your Love Map up-to-date and relevant, ensuring that you remain connected and informed about each other’s evolving needs.

4. Celebrate Each Other’s Achievements

Acknowledge and celebrate your partner’s achievements and milestones. Recognizing their successes and showing genuine interest in their accomplishments reinforces your knowledge of their goals and fosters a sense of shared joy and support.

5. Practice Active Listening

When your partner shares something with you, practice active listening. Show that you are fully engaged in the conversation by reflecting on what they’ve said and validating their feelings. This active engagement demonstrates that you value their perspective and are committed to understanding their Love Map.

Conclusion

The concept of the Love Map underscores the importance of knowing your partner on a deep and meaningful level. By developing and maintaining a comprehensive Love Map, you can enhance emotional intimacy, improve communication, and build a stronger, more resilient relationship. Investing in this understanding not only enriches your connection but also contributes to overall relationship health and satisfaction. Embrace the journey of exploring each other’s inner worlds, and let your Love Map be a guide to creating a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a leading approach in couples therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s. Grounded in attachment theory, EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding in maintaining healthy, lasting relationships. Let’s explore the key highlights of EFT and why it’s so effective in couples therapy.

1. Focus on Emotional Bonding

EFT centers on the belief that secure emotional bonds are essential to relationship health. It helps couples understand and address their attachment needs—the desire for closeness, security, and connection. By focusing on these core needs, EFT aims to rebuild and strengthen the emotional bond between partners.

2. Identifying Negative Interaction Patterns

EFT helps couples identify and understand the negative interaction patterns that fuel conflict and disconnection. These cycles often involve blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal, which can erode trust. By recognizing these patterns, couples can start to break the cycle and create healthier ways of interacting.

3. Deepening Emotional Communication

Beyond surface-level discussions, EFT encourages couples to explore and express their deeper emotions and vulnerabilities. Therapists create a safe space for this emotional communication, fostering empathy and understanding between partners. This deeper connection enhances emotional intimacy and strengthens the relationship.

4. Repairing and Strengthening Relationships

EFT is particularly powerful in repairing relationships damaged by conflict or emotional wounds. By addressing the root causes of distress and fostering emotional responsiveness, EFT helps couples heal and build a more secure, resilient bond.

5. Proven Effectiveness

EFT is one of the most researched and validated forms of couples therapy, with studies showing its effectiveness in improving relationship satisfaction and emotional connection. The positive effects of EFT often endure over time, making it a reliable approach for lasting relationship improvement.

Emotionally Focused Therapy provides couples with a profound approach to healing and strengthening their relationship. By focusing on emotional bonding, breaking negative cycles, and deepening emotional communication, EFT offers a powerful path to lasting change. Whether you’re facing challenges in your relationship or seeking to enhance your connection, EFT can help you build a more fulfilling and resilient partnership.

Decision-Making: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Anne Decore, lmft

Making decisions is something people struggle with often. Indecision and inaction can bring a lot of distress. So can the belief that one “made the wrong decision”.

Some decisions are clear and intuitive, and we can arrive at a choice with full confidence. Other decisions carry ambivalence – and always will even after we’ve picked a direction.

One general rule of thumb is to be guided by your values and goals. They can serve as guiding lights during times of uncertainty.

This 4-step framework may also help you operationalize decision-making:

1. Identify the problem.

It’s especially important to define the question/decision/choice/problem if you are making the decision as a couple, or a family, or a group.

Ask clarifying questions such as:

• What is the main challenge or opportunity here?

• What is my hoped-for outcome?

• If this decision is made successfully, what would that look like?

2. Generate Alternatives.

Come up with a diverse and comprehensive set of options. Don’t judge them as you generate. Allow yourself to flow and present all angles.

3. Assess these options.

How do their various outcomes compare to the defined criteria for success? How do these options square with constraints?

4. Best Fit.

Find the best fit for the situation. “Best fit” acknowledges that, very often, decision making is subjective and there may not be a “perfect” or “right” decision.

Lastly, and always, be kind to yourself. Decision-making isn’t easy. You’re doing your best.

The Power of Gratitude

By Nicole marino, amft

Hearing something as simple as “practicing gratitude is so important” seems so obvious and self-explanatory, but it is a practice that is often overlooked. In our current world that is full of social media comparison, it is even more important to disconnect and remind yourself about the life that you are living. Big or small; we all have things in our lives to be grateful for every day. It is so easy to go on tik tok or Instagram and see a perfectly curated video or feed of someone’s life full of beautiful vacations or a successful career or a perfect relationship, but social media is a highlight reel. Social media only shows the good parts of our lives. It doesn’t often show the down days full of stress, sadness, loneliness, or defeat. Don’t fall into the comparison trap and assume that everyone else’s lives are so much better than yours, especially seeing it through the lens of social media content.

Reflecting at least once a day on the things that are positive or make you happy in your life can really help reframe your mindset and overall mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression. People can assume that in order to be grateful, we need to have a lot of exciting things going on outside of the mundane tasks of daily life. But that is not true. You can express gratitude for something as simple as the sun shining today, your walk with your dog, your warm comforter, or cooking your favorite meal. It does not have to be anything unique or outrageous!

Some ideas for practicing gratitude:

• Wake up and create a list first thing in the morning either in your head or on a piece of paper/journal

• Do a daily reflecting meditation

• Talk out loud with someone and share things you both are feeling grateful for

• Create a gratitude jar where you add at least one thing per day

• Call a friend or family member and express your gratitude for your relationship with them

• Create a list of gratitude affirmations to read/recite each day to yourself

• Lay in bed at the end of the day and reflect on the aspects of your day that you are grateful for

Ideas of things to be grateful for:

Like I stated before, the things that you feel grateful for do not have to be out of the ordinary. It is important to reflect on the simple things in life that bring an extra spark of joy if we were not able to do it. This may be different each day given your routine or schedule, and that is okay! Just reflect from whatever the day was, even if it was a horrible day in your opinion. I bet you can find at least one thing to be grateful for.

• Health

• Friends or family

• Laughing today

• Connecting with someone you normally wouldn’t

• Listening to your favorite podcast or music

• Getting to work on time

• Coming home after a long day and changing into your pajamas

• Someone holding the door for you

• Tomorrow being a new day and a fresh start

• Finding a new book or show

• Getting outside and connecting with nature

• Having positive self-talk during a tough day

• Coping the best you could with stress and being proud of that effort

These are just some examples of things that you can potentially feel grateful for on a given day. Just remind yourself that big or small, your life matters and the things that happen matter! When we take a step back and reflect, we can find that we have so much more to be grateful for than we sometimes give credit for. Try this and see how you feel! You might find yourself having a different outlook on your life and notice yourself comparing less to others.

Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

10 Ways To Practice Mindfulness This Winter Season

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The winter tends to feel like a whirlwind. The holidays start in November and keep us busy all the way to January when we decide to test ourselves with New Year’s resolutions. After that tends to peter off then comes the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. Many of these celebrations may induce anxious or depressive feelings about one’s relationships with family, romantic partners or singleness. Additionally, this season can lead to many celebrations which often include heavier drinking or substance use. During this time of year, it is too easy to get caught up in hurry or expectations of status leaving many of us feeling drained or overwhelmed. 

Alternatively, winter can be a very fruitful time of rest. A period of hibernation to reflect and prepare for the next season to come– whether that be a new relationship, a new season of singleness, learning how to manage anxiety or depression or simply the shift to spring weather. Through all of these changes and challenges, one can practice rest through mindfulness. Mindfulness is proven to decrease feelings of anxiety, depression, pain, stress, insomnia and high blood pressure. Overall mindfulness can be practiced in many ways, as long as the body and brain are slowing down to pay attention to one’s senses and experience. 

Here are 10 ways to be practice mindfulness for the remainder of the winter season: 

1. Find joy in simple pleasures. Whether reading a book or watching the snowfall, try to slow down the moment and notice the beauty or tranquility. Breathe in the peace and breathe out any distractions from that present moment. 

2. Mindful eating can help slow your thoughts, emotions and prolong the enjoyment of the meal. Next time you eat your favorite snack or food, focus on each bite, relishing in the flavors you taste or the food’s texture. 

3. Breathing is very powerful when it comes to slowing our bodies down. Paying attention to exhales in particular can regulate our nervous system rapidly. Even apps on smart watches can aid in practicing deep breathing for just 1 to 2 minutes a day. 

4. Body scans can be helpful to notice sensations and connect these to emotions you may be experiencing. Body scans can be incorporated into therapy, or helpful guides can be found on youtube or elsewhere online. 

5. Slow down daily moments. From making your bed, to brushing your teeth, to showering there are many opportunities to set intentions for the day. Perhaps choose a daily moment to focus on what you may need that day, or how you can show up for someone else. Use the time to set a small daily goal that is achievable. 

6. Practicing gratitude can be an effective way to reflect on the day. Either at the end of the work day or while getting ready for bed reflect on one part of your day that stood out or one person for whom you are grateful. 

7. Progressive muscle relaxation can be an entry level meditation if mindfulness is uncomfortable. Again, a meditation like this can be incorporated into therapy sessions or guides are easily found online. 

8. Walking meditations reap several benefits because they incorporate physical activity and slowing down in the moment. Go for at least a 10 minute walk and notice the feeling of your footsteps and the shift of your body weight.

9. Engaging in art or creativity is also a very beneficial way to practice mindfulness. From painting to woodworking, using one’s hands to create is very helpful. 

10. Massage therapy is another mindful practice that connects the body and the brain. Releasing tension through massages comes from the release of endorphins allowing the body to fully relax and feel sensations of calm. 

SOURCES

The Dread of Valentine’s Season

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With February here, this time of year can bring on a mix of emotions for many different people especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day. It can be a triggering time for many people. Whether you are single or grieving, it can be emotionally challenging with the constant reminder of hearts and love everywhere you go. This February could be an opportunity to look at this month and season of time differently rather than giving it the power to bring down your mood.

At the most basic level, Valentine’s Day is about love. That doesn’t mean it has to be romantic love. Maybe take this month as a self-care and self-love month to focus just on yourself! Or with so many fun Galentine’s ideas, maybe getting together with your friends and focus on the love you have within that support system in your life. Even if you do not have a romantic partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate and embrace the feeling of the season.

There are so many good ideas when it comes to focusing on self-care such as….

- Cooking yourself dinner and watch your favorite show/movie

- Bake your favorite dessert

- Go for a long walk

- Take yourself on a date (dinner, movie, get out of town, etc.)

- Get yourself some sort of beauty treatment (massage, facial, etc.)

- Paint or draw (lean into your creative side)

- Organize or do some cleaning that maybe you’ve been procrastinating

- Go to a workout class

- Resight some self-affirmations and remind yourself of how amazing you are

Even if you don’t want to be alone, spend some time with friends or family. You can do any of those things with someone else. You can also host a party or get-together with people in your life who need to be reminded that they are also loved. It is such an important time to remind the people in your life why you care about them and feel gratitude for the things and people that you feel lucky to have. Remind yourself of the things you do have in life, while also allowing yourself to feel however you feel. Meet yourself where you are at and listen to what you need. If this month is just something you want to get through and move on from then that is completely okay! Just know that you are not alone even if sometimes it can feel that way.

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

If You feel Adrift at Work, Try This Exercise

By Anne DeCore, lmft

We all experience periods in our professional lives that feel adrift. Sometimes it’s a feeling of disconnect to your work persona, your work culture, your work goals. When this happens, one place to start is with a values check-in. It may be that your values are out of alignment with the path your on at work. Clarifying and ranking values is an insightful exercise that can help you clarify the path forward.

1. Start by making a list of your core values:

Values are chosen qualities of being and doing. They describe how you want to live your life. We don’t achieve them; rather we live in accordance with them. Examples of values are: cooperation, creativity, freedom, justice, generosity, industry, responsibility, persistence, trust, spirituality, adventure, gratitude, etc.

2. Next, ask yourself:

Do my values connect to my work identity and goals? If so, how? When goals are detached from values, we tend to lose a sense of purpose. When goals flow from values we tend to feel motivated. Goals that flow from values are inherently more meaningful.

3. Close the gap:

Explore what you need to do to infuse your values back into your work life. Subtle tweaks or radical changes? Grant yourself permission to think beyond practical constraints. Even if you can’t implement the necessary changes immediately, it will soothe you to know that when the time comes, you’re already clear on what will guide you.

Values are enduring. Goals are finite.

Guiding Yourself: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

In the midst of life's hustle and bustle, finding moments of calm can feel like an elusive quest. I often find myself sitting with clients who are struggling to navigate stress and anxiety in their lives and are unsure of how to slow down. In those moments, I find it can be helpful to practice a mindfulness exercise together. One of my favorite mindfulness techniques is progressive muscle relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique based on the concept that physical tension and mental stress are closely connected. Developed by American physician Edmund Jacobson in the early 20th century, PMR aims to reduce both physical and mental stress by systematically tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body.

The theory behind PMR is rooted in the idea that when we consciously tense and then release muscle groups, we become more aware of the physical sensations associated with tension and relaxation. This heightened awareness allows us to recognize and differentiate between states of tension and relaxation more effectively. By repeatedly practicing PMR, we can learn to identify when we are holding tension in our bodies, even in day-to-day situations. Over time, PMR can lead to reduced muscle tension, decreased anxiety, improved sleep, and an overall sense of calm and well-being.

Step 1: Find a Quiet Space

Choose a peaceful environment where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position, and close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.

Step 2: Focus on Your Breath

Take a few slow, deep breaths to ground yourself. Inhale through your nose, feeling your lungs and belly expand, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, releasing any tension.

Step 3: Tense and Release

Begin with your toes. As you inhale, curl your toes tightly, feeling the tension in your foot. Hold for a few seconds, then exhale as you release the tension. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.

Step 4: Move Up the Body

Continue this process, moving progressively up your body. Focus on each muscle group for 5-10 seconds before releasing:

• Calves and shins

• Thighs

• Abdomen

• Chest and back

• Shoulders

• Arms and hands

• Neck and throat

• Face (forehead, eyes, cheeks, jaw)

Step 5: Embrace Sensations

As you work through each muscle group, pay attention to the sensations. Notice how tension feels different from relaxation. Notice the soothing sensation of letting go.

Step 6: Slowly Return

When you're ready, gently bring your awareness back to the present moment. Wiggle your fingers and toes, stretch your body, and open your eyes if they were closed.

There Is More When It Comes To Listening To Your Body

By Bree Minger, AMFT

Often, the phrase “listen to your body” makes one think of the body’s basic needs like hunger, thirst, and sleep. For all of those needs our bodies send us clues that tell us to grab an extra snack when we are hungry, drink a glass of water after a long walk, or head to bed a little earlier on days that just felt like too much. 

Outside of those needs, our bodies communicate other messages that are often more subtle and harder to notice. These messages are related to our emotions. They don’t just exist in our heads; emotions are held and experienced throughout our entire bodies. 

In fact, the body, through the nervous system, can inform us of our emotions before our brains can identify our feelings. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach and that is when you realize you’re nervous for a big presentation? Or have you noticed your heartbeat pick up when you are feeling lost in a place you’ve never been? What about that feeling of pins and needles on your arms as you think about having a hard conversation with a loved one? 

Each body experiences emotions differently based on past experiences, stories, or traumas. Some of these described sensations may feel familiar, and if some feel unfamiliar, you are not alone. Day to day, many people live in their head and ignore their bodily cues, sensations, discomfort, or pain. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, describes this as a muffling of one’s senses. Why may living in your head, and ignoring your body, be dangerous? A lack of connection between the brain and the rest of the body has the power to influence our interactions and relationships, as well as block the path to healing past traumas and difficulties. 

Wondering how to start listening more closely? 

1. Mindfulness is key. Paying attention to bodily sensations can allow one to more closely understand the waves of their emotions and therefore gain more control over them according to Van Der Kolk. A helpful meditation practice may begin with deep breathing or a body scan. 

2. Yoga can be an effective exercise to restore the brain and body connection. The combination of deep breathing, different postures and meditation has powerful effects. 

3. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy is an effective way to treat trauma. Different from talk therapy, EMDR allows access to memories and can be helpful to observe experiences from a different context of external stimulation, including eye movement, tapping, or other stimuli.  

Ultimately, the word “emotion” comes from the Latin word emovere or “to move out.” This tells us that healing from past traumas, both big “T” and little “t,” involves listening to our bodies and discovering the movement, rest, postures, mindfulness, and/or processing it requires. There is so much to learn about your body and how it informs who you are today. 

Curious to learn more or get started with a therapist? We have made this easy. Visit our website and fill out the intake form today.     

References: Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014. EMDR Institute, Inc. 

Intrusive Thoughts VS. Impulsive Thoughts

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I’m sure many of you have seen tiktoks, reals, and memes about letting your intrusive thoughts win. These videos or photos are often jokes about smashing a cake randomly, or kicking someone, or breaking a plate. They are meant to be harmless and funny videos about how sometimes, we don’t have full control over our thoughts. The power of social media has made this a commonly discussed topic, which is great - mostly. There is however a large, and very important difference between intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts. 

Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, distressing, and unwanted thoughts that pop into our minds involuntarily. They are often repetitive and difficult to control or dismiss. These thoughts can be disturbing, bizarre, or even violent in nature, and they can evoke feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame. It's essential to understand that having intrusive thoughts does not mean you want to act on them or that they define who you are as a person. An example of an intrusive thought might be, you're standing on the edge of a tall building, and the thought of jumping off unexpectedly crosses your mind.

Impulsive thoughts, on the other hand, refer to thoughts that arise suddenly and compel you to act without much consideration of the consequences. They can be linked to impulsive behaviors and actions, which are often done without careful planning or foresight. Impulsive thoughts can lead to impulsive decisions, and while they might not necessarily be distressing like intrusive thoughts, they can still have significant impacts on one's life, relationships, and well-being. An example of an impulsive thought might be, you're angry with someone, and an impulsive thought urges you to yell at them without thinking about the potential damage to the relationship.

It's important to remember that both intrusive and impulsive thoughts are part of the human experience, and they don't define who we are. If you find yourself struggling with either type of thought, seeking support from a therapist can be beneficial in understanding and managing them effectively.

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Ambivalence is Two Simple Things

By Anne DeCore, LMFT

Ambivalence is a natural human phenomenon, one that we all experience every day. It is common to want change, and also not want change, at the same time. The brain will contemplate the pros and the cons (the “decisional balance sheet”) of a particular change and then, voila, we find ourselves stuck. We come up with a reason for, and a reason against, and then ambivalence settles in.

As a clinician I regularly see clients experiencing ambivalence. Common ones are: ambivalence about changing one’s alcohol use habits; about whether or not to set a boundary with a family member; about staying or leaving an unstable relationship. My thinking toward ambivalence has been shaped by the works of Bill Miller. Miller is the author of Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, and he focuses on the topic of Ambivalence more directly in his most recent book On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. His writings, research, and techniques have been praised and used by professionals across disciplines such as teaching, coaching, medicine and psychotherapy to name a few.

Ambivalence, he says, is two simple things: change talk (arguments for change) and sustain talk (arguments against change).

Interestingly, when we want to help a friend or family member whom we think would benefit by a change in their lives we tend to argue for change. But because of the way the brain is structured, when we push for change in someone else, we end up evoking the other side of their own ambivalence. We often cause the other person to talk himself or herself out of changing. This happens between partners in a couple, between parents and kids, between friends, and occurs in the therapy and medical worlds between clinicians and clients: sometimes, the more a clinician pushes for change, the more the client responds with opposition. This oppositional reflex, found in all of us, is called the righting reflex. The clinician’s attempt to help can have a paradoxical effect, reinforcing the maintenance of status quo.

So what then is the path to resolving ambivalence? How does a person decide whether a change is advantageous?

The pathway to breaking through ambivalence is about setting your GPS to a clearly defined destination and asking if making that change helps you get to the coordinates you set for yourself. If you are stuck in ambivalence, have a series of wide-ranging conversations with yourself or with a therapist where you explore what you clearly know you do want in your life. What do you care about most? What do you want your life to mean? To look like? What is most important to you in terms of who you are, and who you want to be? Explore your values and goals. These talks will define the coordinates you want to travel toward. Then, and only then, do you ask yourself, does the change I’m considering help me get there. You look at your goals in relation to the alcohol use, the boundary, the unstable relationship. Does alcohol help you accomplish that goal? Does setting the boundary with the family member help you be the kind of person you described? Is the unstable relationship neutral or does it act as an obstacle to what you care most about?

As friends, family members, or therapists, when we know with clear conviction that a person really needs to make an important change, we need to listen to their sustain talk without trying to reason the person out of it. When we listen with empathy, their need to say it goes down because their experience of feeling understood goes up. Through non-judgement, empathy and curiosity we can be a helpful part of the person evoking their own reasons and motivations for change. As frustrating as it can be at times, we cannot instill in them our reasons for their change.

Reference:

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change. Guilford press.

Miller, W. R. (2021). On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. Guilford Publications.

The Five Languages of Apology

By Jessy westin, amft

Did you know that there are different ways to apologize? What one person considers an apology is not always what another person considers to be an apology. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of The Five Languages of Apology, identify five distinct types of apologies. When we feel hurt, we may differ in what exactly we are looking for to feel the most heard and seen by the one trying to make amends. Identifying your apology language and your partner’s apology language can help you better understand each other and provide a path toward a healing relationship.

Types of apology languages:

1. Expressing Regret - “I am sorry.”

Expressing regret focuses on the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person what specifically you are sorry about and demonstrating that you truly understand how hurtful your actions were.

● “I am truly sorry for losing my temper and yelling at you. I know that I hurt you very deeply.”

● “I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

2. Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.”

Accepting responsibility means being willing to admit that you were wrong and recognizing the mistakes made. It can be challenging to admit to our mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain for someone else. However, for some individuals, hearing someone accept responsibility for their wrongdoing is the most important part of an apology.

● “I was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.”

● “I take full responsibility. I know that it was my fault.”

3. Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

For some individuals, hearing ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ may not always be enough. This apology focuses on finding a way to make things right. If you are the one hurt, you are looking for that “next step” and that reassurance that it will not happen again.

● “How can I make this up to you?

● “What can I do that would make this right between us?”

4. Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Expressing your desire to change is communicating not only that you regret what you did, but also that your desire is to not do it again. It may be difficult for someone to forgive if they see the same action being done again and again. This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will change their behavior in future similar situations.

● “I regret what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Can we talk about how to avoid it next time?”

● “Can we put together a plan that will help me to stop doing this?”

5. Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness gives the other the space to decide if they would like to forgive you. It is meaningful that the forgiveness was requested, not demanded.

● Can you please forgive me for what I did?”

● “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you will forgive me.”

Questions to consider in identifying your apology language:

● What do I want the person to say or do to help make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them?

● What hurts most deeply about the situation?

● Which language is most important (or do I usually use) when I apologize?

References

Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. M. (2008). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Moody Publishers.

Goop. What it takes to give (and receive) a good apology.

Love Languages: A Give and Take with Couples

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

In my experience working with couples (and individuals), the importance on love languages is very prevalent. I see it similarly to the idea of showing support. We all have our natural ways of wanting to show support given how we know we want to receive support. But when the other person doesn’t need or want to be shown support in that way, they may feel the other person doesn’t care to fulfill their needs for support accurately. The same thing goes for love languages and the way we want to receive love.

We will be talking about the five original love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. It is important to keep in mind that there may be differences in your love languages based on how you want to receive love and the way you want to show love. I find this distinction very relevant for couples work because it can take extra effort to shift your focus of showing love if the way your partner wants to receive love is different than how you naturally show love. I always tell couples that if this is the case, it doesn’t mean you can never give your partner gifts if that is how you express love; it just means that you also must make a conscious decision to put effort forth to give your partner words of affirmation if that is the way they need to receive love. Another thing to note is that many people do not just fall into one category for love languages but may be a mix of a few or have a certain priority list for which they prefer/need the most.

Words of Affirmation: A partner desires being shown love or giving love through verbal connection and affirmations. This can be as simple as an “I love you” in the morning, a sweet post-it note on the mirror, showing appreciation and acknowledgement for their efforts around the house, or even a handwritten love letter. Someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs emotional intimacy through words and hearing that a partner cares and loves them.

Acts of Service: A partner desires to be shown love when their partner is physically helpful and partakes in certain tasks, so the other person does not have to. This can be concrete tasks such as the dishes, laundry, cleaning the snow off the car, picking them up from the airport after a trip, or making dinner. It can also be smaller things such as putting toothpaste on a partner’s toothbrush in the morning, filling up their water bottle, starting the shower for them, etc. When living with a partner, there are many options of tasks around the home that can be done to show acts of service especially knowing a partner’s everyday routine.

Gifts: People who love gifts or gift-giving don’t always view this is as some grand gesture. Often, it is the little things that can make a partner feel special such as picking up their favorite meal from the grocery store, bringing back something they were running low on, their favorite sweet treat, flowers, and anything that made you think of them. A person with gifts as their love language just wants a partner to show they love them by thinking of them in little (or big) ways in the form of a physical item. To know their partner went somewhere and thought of them makes all the difference.

Quality Time: A person who needs to be shown love through quality time just wants to physically and mentally be present with a partner. They thrive from doing activities with a partner even activities like running errands, driving around, playing a game, going on a walk, going on a date somewhere, etc. It is so important to keep in mind that quality time is different than just passive time together such as living together and going about your routines and watching a show or movie. A partner who desires quality time wants the quality in it. Maybe try putting phones away and just enjoying each other’s company one on one.

Physical Touch: A person or partner who needs physical touch to be shown love doesn’t always want the touch to be sexual, even though that is part of it. Physical touch can be as innocent as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They feel most loved through someone physically expressing it to them and feeling a partner wanting to be close to them.

Now that we have gone over the five original love languages, it is important to figure out which love languages you gravitate the most towards whether that be one main way of showing and receiving love, or a mix of a few. It is also essential to understand the way your partner gives and wants to receive love. Like stated before, you can still show a partner love in the way that is natural and feels good for you to do so, but it is necessary to also learn their love languages to understand how you can show them love and when they are also showing you love in their natural way. It is a way to better understand each other and recognize when your partner is expressing their care and appreciation. There are many love languages quizzes and books to learn more such as: 5lovelanguages.com and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

How to Improve Your Work/Life Balance

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Work is a necessary part of our lives. Whoever said if you love what you do you’ll neve work a day in your life was simply incorrect, in my opinion. As a therapist who absolutely adores my job and going to work most days, there are still days I wish I could be a stay at home human (not wife or mom, just human). 

People work to pay their bills, keep a roof over their heads, feed themselves, and enjoy some fun things in life. That does not mean that work should be your whole identity. In fact, creating an identity around your career can cause issues with identity later in life, as well as rob you of your free time. When we identify SO heavily with our job we can often feel responsible for staying late, taking on extra tasks, and eventually lose all our personal time to being a workaholic. If you struggle with finding the balance between work and life, try even just one of these tips to help improve your relationship with work. 

1. USE YOUR LUNCH - I so often have clients come in and tell me they work through your lunch. It is is necessary to give yourself a break during the day, even if its for 10 minutes. Use that lunch time to spend time doing something you like - getting lunch with a coworker or friend, reading a book, getting outside. Whatever it is, just do something other than you work.

2. Set time boundaries - It can be easy to say “I’ll just work one more hour” and eventually one turns into two and then three… you get my point. Try scheduling a workout class or social plans for a specific time, so you’ll be obligated to log off, or leave the office on time. 

3. Communicate with managers - In my opinion, this applies all the time but particularly when you’re having a hard time in life. A lot of managers will work with you to accommodate what you need and to help support you - that is often a big part of their job. 

4. Say no - I know this is a tough one because saying no to your boss when they’re asking you to take on a new project, but it’s important to use discernment when taking on a project. Think about if you realistically have the time, energy and are capable of it. 

When there is little to no work life balance it often breeds a perfect environment for burnout. In order to avoid burnout we have to get ahead of the snowball. Only you are capable of changing it.