Decision-Making: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Anne Decore, lmft

Making decisions is something people struggle with often. Indecision and inaction can bring a lot of distress. So can the belief that one “made the wrong decision”.

Some decisions are clear and intuitive, and we can arrive at a choice with full confidence. Other decisions carry ambivalence – and always will even after we’ve picked a direction.

One general rule of thumb is to be guided by your values and goals. They can serve as guiding lights during times of uncertainty.

This 4-step framework may also help you operationalize decision-making:

1. Identify the problem.

It’s especially important to define the question/decision/choice/problem if you are making the decision as a couple, or a family, or a group.

Ask clarifying questions such as:

• What is the main challenge or opportunity here?

• What is my hoped-for outcome?

• If this decision is made successfully, what would that look like?

2. Generate Alternatives.

Come up with a diverse and comprehensive set of options. Don’t judge them as you generate. Allow yourself to flow and present all angles.

3. Assess these options.

How do their various outcomes compare to the defined criteria for success? How do these options square with constraints?

4. Best Fit.

Find the best fit for the situation. “Best fit” acknowledges that, very often, decision making is subjective and there may not be a “perfect” or “right” decision.

Lastly, and always, be kind to yourself. Decision-making isn’t easy. You’re doing your best.

Breaking and Making Habits

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With the start of the new year quickly approaching, many people often re-evaluate their habits and routines wishing to start the year off on the best foot. Breaking and making new habits can be challenging, but it is not impossible. It takes time to 1. Break a habit and then 2. Make a new habit because it takes a lot of effort to re-wire and re-train your brain to stop doing something to then start doing something else. This list of tips could potentially help with the process but do keep in mind that this is a process! Even if you make missteps along the way, that doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track and continue.

• Be patient: As stated above, this is a process. On average, it can take about two months to make a behavior a habit, so it can take even longer to break a habit to then create a new one.

• With that being said, Consistency is key: Take it day by day when it comes to creating your new routine. The more you do something, the more natural it will become with time. You will start doing that behavior without evening having to put much thought to it, meaning it became a habit and pattern.

• Don’t shame yourself: You might mess up and make mistakes along the way, but that is OKAY! It is normal to ebb and flow when it comes to breaking and making habits. Show yourself grace and compassion that this is not going to happen overnight and that is to be expected. The more you shame yourself, the more discouraged you are going to feel so remind yourself you are human; therefore, you are not perfect.

• Don’t take on too many changes at once: Take things one step at a time! Taking on too many habits and changes all at once, can be incredibly overwhelming leading to slipping into old habits and doing what feels easier. Taking on a few changes at once can give you more opportunity to focus your efforts more and stay consistent.

• Be mindful: There are a few elements when it comes to being mindful. First, when it comes to breaking a habit, try to identify your triggers and what contributes to you falling into those habits. Either eliminate those triggers or try to avoid them. If a trigger is unavoidable, being mindful of how you relate and react to the trigger. Replace the “old” habit or behavior with the habit you are trying to implement instead. This is easier said than done, but that is why being mindful and self-aware in those moments is beneficial. It helps slow you down so you can check in with yourself around your what you are doing.

• Incentivize yourself: When it comes to creating new habits, rewarding yourself can help your brain draw the connection between the behavior and pleasure. This can help encourage you to desire following through more with the habit when there is a positive correlation to it.

Growing Your Self Awareness

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

This poem is a beautiful representation of how we grow and change. It acknowledges our pull to the familiar; we are patterned beings, the longer we’ve done something a certain way (manage conflict, date, etc.) the harder it feels to show up differently. And, good news, it’s also very possible to show up differently.

The path to growing our self awareness is winding and not linear. It’s common to have moments where you break harmful patterns and then moments of sticking to them. Just because you fall back into a pattern doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. It means that is a big pull for you that you will need to watch and take care of.

As we are confronted with our patterns, we build awareness of what we are doing. And we must give ourselves compassion in choosing the familiar path even when we see the alternatives. I have deep respect for where old patterns come from and how they’ve benefited us. At some point, your old pattern most likely served, protected, or helped you survive.

Too much compassion, however, can leave you stuck, so we must be accountable for our behavior. We must commit to building awareness of our patterns, find choice points, and do the newer, harder thing. When we deepen our self awareness, we must hold compassion AND accountability tightly.

New Years Resolutions

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

“The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”

— Melody Beattie

As the New Year approaches, I keep thinking about sitting down to write a lofty list of resolutions and intentions for 2017. The list sometimes feels endless: I want to break my sugar addiction. I want to heal relationships in my life that have gone unattended, or that have had conflict. I want to expand my gratitude practice. I want to find creative ways to give to causes I care about … I could go on and on about ways I want to feel better and be better in 2017.

People usually fall into two ‘camps’ of making resolutions: those who love to make lists, set goals and who find resolutions to be useful and empowering and those who feel like resolutions are a total waste of time, and usually set them up for disappointment or failure. (Of course, there is the secret third camp, those of us who are so exhausted from the year and so busy during the holiday season that the idea of sitting down to think about New Years resolutions is just not going to happen.)  

There is no denying that there is immense power in setting intentions. You can read about it in: ‘the power of your mind and setting intentions’ and ‘five steps to setting powerful intentions’. And, while I believe there is greatness in striving to be a better version of ones self, sometimes we’re not quite ready when the New Year rolls around. In fact, certain neuroscience research suggests that spreading out resolutions over time is the best recipe for success. No need to do it all at once!

A few tips for achieving your goals and making them more meaningful–

1.     Think about what you need more of this year. Talk about it with your therapist, your spouse and your friends. What brings you joy? What brings you peace? What combats your depression and/or anxiety? What is something you’ve wanted to tackle but haven’t gotten to yet? Start to make a list that serves you.

2.     Be specific with your goals. What does ‘getting in shape’ mean to you? What does it mean to ‘be healthier’? Choose specific things that you can stick to – like, practicing yoga twice a week, or finishing 3 water bottles every day.

3.     Measure progress. Perhaps this means writing down your progress in a journal, tracking it in an app, or creating milestones that you can use to track your progress. This feedback loop, hopefully, can act as a source of motivation.

4.     Share your intentions. Holding yourself accountable, in a more public way doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops. You can share it with your friends, family, and/or therapist – and ask them to help support you in achieving a specific goal.

5.     Be patient and kind to yourself. This is hard stuff. We are all mere mortals. Be gentle, and remember that progress is not always a straight line, it can be forward, backwards and zig zagged.

There is a very tricky balancing act between pushing yourself to be better each year and being able to be gentle with yourself and remember, ‘I am enough – no matter what I do or don’t accomplish this year, I am enough.’ At the end of the day, no matter how much we achieve, if there isn’t some self-love attached to that self-motivation, it’s all for naught. (I love this manifesto by Jennifer Pastiloff)

So, to those of us who feel ready to tackle our intentions before the New Year, have at it! To those of us who set intentions and then slip up on the second day of the year, it’s ok. Mistakes do not mean that your intentions no longer count, or that you’ve failed. Keep going. And, to those of us just hanging on by a thread at the end of 2016: take a break; enjoy the holidays, catch up on your sleep, and reclaim your self-care. There is no reason you have to write your resolutions before January 1st, 2017. There is no rule that says you cannot write resolutions (or re-write them) in February, March, April, May, June, …or any other month of the year for that matter.

Perhaps you can keep this proverb in your back pocket and remember:

‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’ (Anonymous)

With that, wishing you a new year filled with motivation, love, care and peace.

Here are a few articles for inspiration for getting started & additional resources:

Self-compassion

Daily Resolutions

Ideas for resolutions

Resolutions from real people