Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

Social Media Comparison Burnout

By Megan allcock, LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout. 

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. 

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family. 

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media? 

1. Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. 

2. Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life. 

3. Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media. 

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

Self Care - Redesigned

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Self care is a term that has really taken off in the past few years. As the awareness of mental health began to increase, so did the idea of self care. Unfortunately, it has become capitalized on and therefore been reduced to this idea of face masks, candles, and bubble baths. Which are absolutely a PART of self care, but not the whole. Self care is a lifestyle not a “thing” to do. So let’s talk about nine different types of self care and how to incorporate them into your life.

Physical Self-Care is taking care of physical wellness and overall health. Some ways to practice self care for your body physically are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving your body in ways that feel good, making and keeping doctor appointments, eating nutrient dense foods and getting enough fresh air/sunlight.

Emotional Self-Care is taking care of your emotions using empathy and self compassion. Ways to practice this would be journaling, therapy, emotional check ins with yourself, self compassion, releasing energy through music or art, asking for help when you need it and managing your stress.

Social Self-Care is a type of care that involves health family, friend and romantic relationships. It is important when fulfilling this type to spend time with safe people, create and maintain health boundaries, understand and follow through on your emotional battery (balancing alone time and social time depending on individual needs), and asking for support from safe people.

Spiritual Self-Care this care often involves religious beliefs, but is important to remember this involved any activity that nurtures your spirit, soul and allows you to think about something bigger than yourself. Examples include meditation, yoga, going to a place of worship, spending time in nature, prayer, reflecting, etc.

Personal Self-Care prioritizes doing things that honor what you enjoy, need and want. This can include enjoying hobbies, treating yourself (traditional self care of face masks, spa, candle, etc), trying something new, and spending time alone.

Home Environment Self-Care can be a bit of a challenge for some because this can often be out of your control, particularly for kids and teens. This type of self care involved maintaining a safe, functional and comfortable home space. This can look like having physical safety and stability, but also includes having a clean, comfy organized space in whatever form that applies to you.

Financial Self-Care is another challenging one because it often can be somewhat out of people’s control. This means maintaining financial goals and obligations. Self-care in this form often involves saving, researching budget information, paying bills, managing money and budgeting, and getting advice from financial experts (this can be personalized, but also through a podcast or internet source).

Intellectual Self-Care addresses the inner thinker and lifetime learner that exists in all of us. This type of care involves expanding your knowledge, mindset or reasoning. Some examples to foster this include reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, or even researching into a specific topic that interests you.

It is not necessary to do all of these everyday because first, that’s unrealistic and second, you don’t usually need all nine in one day. There will be some moments you are craving intellectual self care, so lean into that. There will be seasons of life that need more of one kind of self care than the other, so again go with that by listening to your brain and body. All you can do is your best!

Mind and Body, Here and Now: Three Favorite Grounding Exercises

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The Greek word “soma” means the body and “psyche” means the mind. Somatic psychotherapy is therapy guided by the practice of present-moment body awareness. Directing your attention toward your inner world of sensations gives you important data about your emotional state. Did you know that all feelings – shame, anger, love, burnout, fear - are experienced in physiological changes in the body first? We sense the changes and interpret them in our minds. When we disconnect from our bodies it can be an unconscious attempt to bolt from some of these unwanted feelings. Slowing down and noticing the body helps us observe and name our feelings which gives us choice about how to manage them.

Here are three of my favorite grounding exercises. These all involve breath awareness and body scanning. What I like about these exercises is that each one uses a guided image to help us get in touch with our bodies. These are well-suited for those who feel intimidated by classic meditation or mindfulness practices.

ROOTS

Go outside (if possible). Stand tall and imagine you are a tree. Feel your feet rooted to the ground below. Lift your arms upward like tall branches that stretch up toward the sunlight. Take in some deep breaths and direct your attention to your body sensations. Feel the wakefulness in your feet (roots), the balance of your spine (trunk), the freedom of your swaying arms (branches). What type of energy is in your body today? Can you bring non-judgement to whatever you notice? Be with your body in this stance.

EMPTY CUP

While sitting, cup your hands together, creating a small “cup”. Now close your eyes and notice the inner sensations of your hands as they form the empty cup. Isn’t it interesting how you “know” your hands are there without seeing them? You sense them. With your cupped hands as a symbol of receptivity bring your attention to the various sensations within your body, physical and emotional. Receive the data. This simple practice of noticing the body helps us to regain awareness of our present state and focus the mind and body for our next purpose.

PROTECTIVE LIGHT

Imagine a beam of light encircling you. The light that surrounds you can be any color you choose. Choose your color now. It is a powerful, loving, protective light. You can call on this light when you are scared, stressed, overwhelmed or need space from others. The light differentiates you from others and helps you set the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. What can you connect with in your body right now? Breathe in and out, in and out, and give yourself permission in this protected space to listen to your needs.

No More New Year, New You.

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

January is somehow already upon us. And while the world we are inhabiting presently is different in many ways, some things do not seem to be changing in 2021. Just like in Januarys of old, our social media feeds and inboxes are currently flooded with all kinds of “New year, new you” messages. Everything from fad diets and must-have “nutritional” supplements to gym membership, meal delivery plans, and home workout equipment deals are being splashed across our television screens. We are constantly bombarded with ideas about what our bodies are supposed to look like and what is healthy, continually shamed into restricting our eating and manipulating our bodies into society’s current standards of acceptability and beauty.

These standards ensure that every January people jump to set unrealistic and unsustainable goals around losing weight, exercising, and/or dieting that often leave them disheartened and feeling things like guilt, shame, disgust, and despair by the end of the month. To make it all the more demoralizing, this cycle can lead to a lifetime of disordered eating and other health issues and ensures that we continue to line the pockets of what Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski call, The Bikini-Industrial Complex, This is the term they use to describe “the $100 billion cluster of businesses that profit by setting an unachievable “aspirational ideal,” convincing us that we can and should — indeed we must — conform with the ideal, and then selling us ineffective but plausible strategies for achieving that ideal.”

What if we did something different this year? What if we place the focus on loving and accepting our bodies as they are? And recognizing that food is not good or bad, nor is it the enemy? What if we unlearn the idea that health is dictated by a number on the scale? (Spoiler alert. It’s not. You can learn all about this lie via the resources below) What if radical self-love, acceptance, and compassion were the resolutions and goals we gave our time energy and money to? Do you think, maybe, just maybe, these might prove more helpful in supporting your overall well-being? I suspect they might. If you’re ready to start this new year differently, you’ll find some resources below.

Books

Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth about your Weight by Lindo Bacon

The Body is Not and Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor

Intuitive Eating, 4th Edition: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole

Mothers, Daughters, and Body Image: Learning to Love Ourselves as We Are by Hillary L. McBride and Rumani S. Durvasula, PhD.

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN by Tara Brach

Podcasts

The Feminist Survival Project 2020: Episode 41: The Bikini-Industrial Complex

Food Psych Podcast with Christy Harrison

The Soul Science Nutrition Podcast: The Problem is in the Culture Not Your Body- Interview with Lindo Bacon, PhD

Websites

Self-Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff

Health at Every Size

The Original Intuitive Eating Pros

Christy Harrison- Intuitive Eating Coach and Anti-Diet Nutritionist

Growing Your Self Awareness

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

This poem is a beautiful representation of how we grow and change. It acknowledges our pull to the familiar; we are patterned beings, the longer we’ve done something a certain way (manage conflict, date, etc.) the harder it feels to show up differently. And, good news, it’s also very possible to show up differently.

The path to growing our self awareness is winding and not linear. It’s common to have moments where you break harmful patterns and then moments of sticking to them. Just because you fall back into a pattern doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. It means that is a big pull for you that you will need to watch and take care of.

As we are confronted with our patterns, we build awareness of what we are doing. And we must give ourselves compassion in choosing the familiar path even when we see the alternatives. I have deep respect for where old patterns come from and how they’ve benefited us. At some point, your old pattern most likely served, protected, or helped you survive.

Too much compassion, however, can leave you stuck, so we must be accountable for our behavior. We must commit to building awareness of our patterns, find choice points, and do the newer, harder thing. When we deepen our self awareness, we must hold compassion AND accountability tightly.