June 10, 2024

Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

June 10, 2024/ Focht Family Practice/ Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly.

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.
Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.
Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.
Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.
Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.
Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

April 10, 2024

Social Media Comparison Burnout

April 10, 2024/ Focht Family Pracctice/ Megan Allcock LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout.

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others.

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family.

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media?

Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life.
Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life.
Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media.

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

October 11, 2022

Self Care - Redesigned

October 11, 2022/ Focht Family Practice/ Megan Allcock, AMFT

Self care is a term that has really taken off in the past few years. As the awareness of mental health began to increase, so did the idea of self care. Unfortunately, it has become capitalized on and therefore been reduced to this idea of face masks, candles, and bubble baths. Which are absolutely a PART of self care, but not the whole. Self care is a lifestyle not a “thing” to do. So let’s talk about nine different types of self care and how to incorporate them into your life.

Physical Self-Care is taking care of physical wellness and overall health. Some ways to practice self care for your body physically are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving your body in ways that feel good, making and keeping doctor appointments, eating nutrient dense foods and getting enough fresh air/sunlight.

Emotional Self-Care is taking care of your emotions using empathy and self compassion. Ways to practice this would be journaling, therapy, emotional check ins with yourself, self compassion, releasing energy through music or art, asking for help when you need it and managing your stress.

Social Self-Care is a type of care that involves health family, friend and romantic relationships. It is important when fulfilling this type to spend time with safe people, create and maintain health boundaries, understand and follow through on your emotional battery (balancing alone time and social time depending on individual needs), and asking for support from safe people.

Spiritual Self-Care this care often involves religious beliefs, but is important to remember this involved any activity that nurtures your spirit, soul and allows you to think about something bigger than yourself. Examples include meditation, yoga, going to a place of worship, spending time in nature, prayer, reflecting, etc.

Personal Self-Care prioritizes doing things that honor what you enjoy, need and want. This can include enjoying hobbies, treating yourself (traditional self care of face masks, spa, candle, etc), trying something new, and spending time alone.

Home Environment Self-Care can be a bit of a challenge for some because this can often be out of your control, particularly for kids and teens. This type of self care involved maintaining a safe, functional and comfortable home space. This can look like having physical safety and stability, but also includes having a clean, comfy organized space in whatever form that applies to you.

Financial Self-Care is another challenging one because it often can be somewhat out of people’s control. This means maintaining financial goals and obligations. Self-care in this form often involves saving, researching budget information, paying bills, managing money and budgeting, and getting advice from financial experts (this can be personalized, but also through a podcast or internet source).

Intellectual Self-Care addresses the inner thinker and lifetime learner that exists in all of us. This type of care involves expanding your knowledge, mindset or reasoning. Some examples to foster this include reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, or even researching into a specific topic that interests you.

It is not necessary to do all of these everyday because first, that’s unrealistic and second, you don’t usually need all nine in one day. There will be some moments you are craving intellectual self care, so lean into that. There will be seasons of life that need more of one kind of self care than the other, so again go with that by listening to your brain and body. All you can do is your best!

June 14, 2022

Self Compassion & Cleaning Your House

June 14, 2022/ Focht Family Practice/ Kayla Harris, MA, AMFT

I’m not sure if anyone has told you lately, but... You aren’t a bad person if you struggle to keep your home nice and neat.

Lately, I’ve been reading this book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing” by this really awesome LPC named KC Davis. In her book, she talks about an idea that seemed radical to me- housekeeping tasks are care tasks & care tasks are morally neutral. A lot of us may have grown up in homes where we were punished for having a messy room or for not cleaning up after ourselves after playing with toys etc... The tricky part is, when we’re young, we don’t realize that getting in trouble is often more about our caregivers’ relationship to mess than it is about us. So instead, we think “oh it is hard for my caregiver to love me when my room is a mess, I’d better clean up” thus internalizing shame about mess. Maybe caregivers didn’t intend to send that message, but that’s how it is often received. And while messiness doesn’t automatically equal “we are bad people,” it can sure feel that way when you are in trouble and maybe are called names like “lazy” on top of it.

Flash forward to you as an adult. No wonder you’re dreading some of the cleaning. You may not have ever developed a positive relationship with cleaning because it may have always made you feel inadequate. So of course, there would be times where you avoid it! Who WOULD lean into situations that make them feel unworthy or not good enough? Avoiding things that make us feel bad is normal.

So how can we help make our cleaning, organizing, and home management tasks feel “better”?

One of my favorite things KC proposes in her book is an approach to cleaning that she calls “The Five Things Tidying Method.” I think it’s pretty accessible for lots of folks so I thought I would paraphrase the steps for you in this blog:

Look around at your “messy” space. According to KC, everything in it can be broken down into 5 categories: 1. Trash, 2. Dishes, 3. Laundry, 4. Things that have a designated place but are not in their place, & 5. Things that don’t have a place.

1. First you start with just gathering all the trash together. You do not take it out yet.

2. Then you find all the dishes in the living room, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. and place them next to the sink. You do not wash them yet.

3. Next you grab a laundry basket of some kind and put all the clothes, accessories, and shoes in it that you can find scattered throughout the house. Put the baskets next to your trash pile. You might have more than one basket of “clothes” and that’s okay.

4. After that, go to each space in your home where things have a designated spot. (Desks, shelves, bathroom counters, etc.) Put each of those things in their assigned spot. If you come across anything that doesn’t have a place, put it in a pile. Stop in one area, put things away in that area, and gather a pile of misfit items. The result will be a lot of somewhat tidy areas with the exception of small piles of things that don’t have a place.

5. Next, you get to reassess each of those placeless items. You can decide if something is clutter or if it is important enough to get a permanent place. Some of those items will have a place but in a different area of the house. Put them away if that is the case.

6. Finally, take the trash out. Put the laundry bin in the laundry room (or somewhere out of the way, but where you will still be able to see it and remember to do the laundry later). Now you will have a space that feels more livable. Excellent job you! Save the dishes for another day.

So many people feel like if they can’t keep a home pristine clean all the time, they are somehow not worthy. That is simply not true. And when tasks pile up at home and things look/feel cluttered, that can be incredibly stressful and demotivating at the same time. The “5 things method” is great because rather than looking around and trying to prioritize every item and decide which tasks to tackle first, you have an outlined order that you can keep coming back to. For example, you can scan the living room space for just dishes and put those near the sink rather than trying to grab every single thing you see and run around the house putting them away. And as you go through KC’s method, things will naturally feel less cluttered, and you may start to feel more encouraged by the progress you’re seeing.

The other great thing about this approach is you could stop after step 1 or 2 and save the rest for another day. Doing all the steps in one day does not make you inherently “better” than the you that only has the time/energy/bandwidth to do steps 1-3. Jussayin.

If shaming yourself into cleaning worked, it would have worked already, yes? And you’d have a constantly immaculate home every day to show for it. But at what cost? And sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that we “need to be hard on ourselves in order to get things done”, but if you could get things done and NOT feel like crap, wouldn’t that be nice? Because let me tell ya, you deserve it. Both a space that feels livable to you, AND a sense of freedom from the shame cycle.

Resources:

KC’s Book

KC’s Website

• She has lots of tips & resources for new self-compassionate ways to approach the various parts of your life

• If you’re more of a “learn from Tik Tok” person, she has some of her TT content on there also!

• This is not a sponsored post, lol. I’ve been reading this book and having some revelations that I wanted to share. 😊

January 07, 2022

The Science of Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

January 07, 2022/ Focht Family Practice/ Anne DeCore, LMFT

Clients are often skeptical when I suggest that choosing to cultivate and listen to an inner voice of self-compassion will move them closer to their goals. They are especially skeptical when I tell them that this is proven to work much better than listening to their harsh inner self-critic.

I fully understand their reaction. Their skepticism surfaces because what I am telling them feels counter-intuitive. Logic tells us that if we push ourselves, we’ll work harder. If we’re kind to ourselves, clients ask me “won’t I get lazy?”

Thankfully we have research to answer this question for us. Research shows us that self-criticism undermines motivation. Here’s why.

We have a reptilian brain that evolved to keep us safe from threats. When we criticize ourselves we activate our body’s fight or flight response system. This means our bodies become flooded with the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline to ready us for action against a threat. Someone who is constantly judging and criticizing themself experiences high levels of stress. At a certain point it becomes too much: the body and brain have to shut down. This shut down is depression. And depression is not a motivational state of mind. We become the attacker and the attacked all in one.

Thankfully, we are also mammals. And a key feature of being a mammal is the early attachment between mother and infant that creates a safe nurturing environment to grow. Our bodies and brains are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we give ourselves compassion, we activate the mammalian caregiver system which releases feel-good hormones oxytocin and opiates. When we give ourselves compassion we reduce our cortisol levels. And, when we feel safe and comforted, we are in our optimal mind state to do our best.

References:

Ted Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff

“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff (Harper Collins, 2011)

“Good Morning I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro (Sounds True Press, 2020)

January 04, 2021

No More New Year, New You.

January 04, 2021/ Focht Family Practice/ Rachel D. Miller, MA, AMFT

January is somehow already upon us. And while the world we are inhabiting presently is different in many ways, some things do not seem to be changing in 2021. Just like in Januarys of old, our social media feeds and inboxes are currently flooded with all kinds of “New year, new you” messages. Everything from fad diets and must-have “nutritional” supplements to gym membership, meal delivery plans, and home workout equipment deals are being splashed across our television screens. We are constantly bombarded with ideas about what our bodies are supposed to look like and what is healthy, continually shamed into restricting our eating and manipulating our bodies into society’s current standards of acceptability and beauty.

These standards ensure that every January people jump to set unrealistic and unsustainable goals around losing weight, exercising, and/or dieting that often leave them disheartened and feeling things like guilt, shame, disgust, and despair by the end of the month. To make it all the more demoralizing, this cycle can lead to a lifetime of disordered eating and other health issues and ensures that we continue to line the pockets of what Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski call, The Bikini-Industrial Complex, This is the term they use to describe “the $100 billion cluster of businesses that profit by setting an unachievable “aspirational ideal,” convincing us that we can and should — indeed we must — conform with the ideal, and then selling us ineffective but plausible strategies for achieving that ideal.”

What if we did something different this year? What if we place the focus on loving and accepting our bodies as they are? And recognizing that food is not good or bad, nor is it the enemy? What if we unlearn the idea that health is dictated by a number on the scale? (Spoiler alert. It’s not. You can learn all about this lie via the resources below) What if radical self-love, acceptance, and compassion were the resolutions and goals we gave our time energy and money to? Do you think, maybe, just maybe, these might prove more helpful in supporting your overall well-being? I suspect they might. If you’re ready to start this new year differently, you’ll find some resources below.