Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

Navigating the Maze: Understanding High Functioning Anxiety

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it manifests differently in each individual, there is an unofficial subtype often labeled as High Functioning Anxiety. So what is that exactly?

High functioning anxiety is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it's a term used to describe individuals who outwardly appear to have their lives together while silently battling persistent anxiety beneath the surface.

Some of the key characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety include:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in every aspect of their lives.

• Overthinking: Constant overthinking and ruminating about past events or future scenarios.

• Procrastination: Ironically, some individuals with high functioning anxiety may procrastinate tasks due to the fear of not meeting their own high standards.

• Constant Worry: Excessive worrying, even about trivial matters, is common as well.

• Difficulty Relaxing: People with high functioning anxiety may find it challenging to relax or "switch off," always feeling the need to be productive or busy.

• Physical Symptoms: While not always present, physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and gastrointestinal issues are common too.

So how is it different from typical anxiety? The main difference between high functioning anxiety and typical anxiety is the ability to maintain a presence of “normal”. High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed because individuals suffering from it have developed coping mechanisms to navigate daily life effectively. They may excel at work, maintain social relationships, and fulfill responsibilities, all while concealing their inner stress and anxiety. 

If you think you might suffer from this, here are some tips to help manage it better. 

• Self-awareness: Recognizing and accepting that you have high functioning anxiety is crucial. Understand that it's okay and often necessary to seek help and support.

• Therapy: A therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with anxiety symptoms as well as navigate some of the underlying causes for your anxiety.

• Medication: Medication prescribed by a healthcare professional may be necessary and very helpful to alleviate anxiety symptoms - usually in conjunction with talk therapy.

• Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and relaxation techniques as often as possible.

• Set realistic goals: Challenge the need for perfectionism and set achievable, reasonable goals for yourself. Practice self-compassion.

• Establish boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

• Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Often, simply talking about your anxiety can provide some relief.

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Self Care - Redesigned

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Self care is a term that has really taken off in the past few years. As the awareness of mental health began to increase, so did the idea of self care. Unfortunately, it has become capitalized on and therefore been reduced to this idea of face masks, candles, and bubble baths. Which are absolutely a PART of self care, but not the whole. Self care is a lifestyle not a “thing” to do. So let’s talk about nine different types of self care and how to incorporate them into your life.

Physical Self-Care is taking care of physical wellness and overall health. Some ways to practice self care for your body physically are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving your body in ways that feel good, making and keeping doctor appointments, eating nutrient dense foods and getting enough fresh air/sunlight.

Emotional Self-Care is taking care of your emotions using empathy and self compassion. Ways to practice this would be journaling, therapy, emotional check ins with yourself, self compassion, releasing energy through music or art, asking for help when you need it and managing your stress.

Social Self-Care is a type of care that involves health family, friend and romantic relationships. It is important when fulfilling this type to spend time with safe people, create and maintain health boundaries, understand and follow through on your emotional battery (balancing alone time and social time depending on individual needs), and asking for support from safe people.

Spiritual Self-Care this care often involves religious beliefs, but is important to remember this involved any activity that nurtures your spirit, soul and allows you to think about something bigger than yourself. Examples include meditation, yoga, going to a place of worship, spending time in nature, prayer, reflecting, etc.

Personal Self-Care prioritizes doing things that honor what you enjoy, need and want. This can include enjoying hobbies, treating yourself (traditional self care of face masks, spa, candle, etc), trying something new, and spending time alone.

Home Environment Self-Care can be a bit of a challenge for some because this can often be out of your control, particularly for kids and teens. This type of self care involved maintaining a safe, functional and comfortable home space. This can look like having physical safety and stability, but also includes having a clean, comfy organized space in whatever form that applies to you.

Financial Self-Care is another challenging one because it often can be somewhat out of people’s control. This means maintaining financial goals and obligations. Self-care in this form often involves saving, researching budget information, paying bills, managing money and budgeting, and getting advice from financial experts (this can be personalized, but also through a podcast or internet source).

Intellectual Self-Care addresses the inner thinker and lifetime learner that exists in all of us. This type of care involves expanding your knowledge, mindset or reasoning. Some examples to foster this include reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, or even researching into a specific topic that interests you.

It is not necessary to do all of these everyday because first, that’s unrealistic and second, you don’t usually need all nine in one day. There will be some moments you are craving intellectual self care, so lean into that. There will be seasons of life that need more of one kind of self care than the other, so again go with that by listening to your brain and body. All you can do is your best!

Sleep Anxiety Struggles

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Falling asleep can sometimes seem like a battle, especially when anxiety starts to creep in and suddenly all of your worries are swirling around in your mind. It is truly hard to fall asleep, even if your body is tired, when your mind won’t rest. Everyone is different and there is not one magical tip that works for all, but by changing some routines and habits around nighttime, it may help improve overall relaxation and worry leading up to bedtime!

1. Try sleeping focused meditations: Meditation’s purpose is to bring you into the present moment, to ease your mind, and to focus on your breathing. There are so many different types of meditations to try, but looking up sleeping meditations (use of an app or just searching in YouTube) can be very useful when it comes to relaxing a busy mind. Body scan meditations are specifically helpful when it comes to this because you are guided through focusing on each individual part of your body and relaxing any tension in your body.

2. Write a list of everything you are worried about: Sometimes our anxiety feels like it holds so much power, but when you write out your concerns, you are taking the power back. Often times, listed out, our worries and fears don’t look as scary or overwhelming as we once thought.

3. Focus on the things within your control: Following that, focus on the worries or concerns that are within your control. Often times, anxiety focuses on things that are completely out of our control and we have no power altering. Let go of the things that we cannot change because it may never even happen. Your anxiety is not a fortune-teller of what is to come in the future. It is just our fears turned into anxious and negative thoughts. Also, it is important to focus on the things you can control right in that moment because I bet there are not a lot of things that you can do while you’re in bed trying to fall asleep.

4. Read: This is a very relaxing activity to do before bed and can keep your mind busy leading to tiredness.

5. Create a bedtime routine: Going off of reading, creating a nighttime routine focused on relaxation and non-stressful activities/tasks is very beneficial when it comes to easing sleep anxiety. Creating a routine of things you look forward to doing is a form of self-care. Whether that is doing your skincare routine, reading, stretching, journaling, showering, or meditating, the key is to focus on the tasks that are not going to cause additional worries or concerns, but the activities that are going to cultivate calm energy.

6. Avoid use of screens: If possible, not looking at your phone before bed is a healthy sleep time habit. When you look at your phone screen or TV, your brain is stimulated and “lights up” delaying when you start to feel sleepy.

7. Avoid harsh lighting: Similar to use of screens, turning on bright lights at night can wake you up and do the opposite of relaxing you. Studies show that red light therapy can help with both depression and anxiety. Because of this, switching your bedroom lights to red lightbulbs can help ease anxiety especially before bed.

8. A to Z technique: This technique is helpful once again to focus your mind on something low risk, fun, and calming. You can pick any topic or category you would like (sports, food, songs, shows, animals, etc.) and go A through Z naming one thing within the topic that starts with each letter of the alphabet. This is a fun twist on “counting sheep”!

9. Listen to calming music or relaxing noises: This can definitely be different for everyone, but listening to classical music, rain sounds, ocean sounds, or even just using a white noise machine can help your mind have something to focus on rather than what you have to do tomorrow.

As stated before, not everything listed is going to work for everyone because everyone is unique and different! The purpose of this is to give techniques and tricks to try out when it comes to combating sleep anxiety. It never hurts to try something new especially when it comes to taking power back from your anxiety at night! It is so important to be getting enough rest at night so don’t let your anxiety focus on the countdown till the morning, but focus on the present moment and what you can do to help destress and get to sleep quicker.

COVID-19: We’ve Really Gone the Distance

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

We are coming up on the year mark of COVID-19, changing the world as we knew it. While things are looking hopeful with vaccine distribution, I have reflected on the many adjustments that people had to make do to the virus. Here are just a few areas I have been thinking about, as well as suggestions for further adjustments:

Loss

As I write, the current number of COVID-related losses is 519,075 lives (covid.cdc.gov). The current total number of cases is 28,602,211 people. All of these folks were/are members of families or communities who were affected by the diagnosis. They have had to cope with it during this most unprecedented, isolating time. Over the last year, many hospitals did not permit more than one visitor to see loved ones in the hospital to reduce the virus's spread. Medical facilities also applied this policy to non-COVID cases, such as surgeries, check-ups, etc. For the most part, only patients were allowed in the facility to limit the spreading of the virus. Funeral homes also had to limit the number of people in their buildings at any given time. Many people lost loved ones in the last year and could not mourn or grieve in the way they wanted to.

I would encourage folks living with the weight of unacknowledged loss to find time to honor the people lost this year.

• Watch a movie you know a loved one enjoyed

• Journal about what you think about when you are reminded of them and what you would say to them

• Find ways to embody traits you admired about them in your day-to-day functioning

• Write down job opportunities, trips, celebrations that could not happen due to the pandemic and find time to acknowledge those losses too

• Share these reflections with a friend, partner, colleague, or therapist.

The Harvard Business Review interviewed grief expert David Kessler, who provided some additional thoughts on loss during the pandemic. Here is that article if you want to see his tips for coping with losses we have experienced this year.

Aside from the deaths of loved ones, people also experienced losses in jobs, planned experiences, and routines. These must be acknowledged and honored as well.

Relationships

You may be familiar with Gary Chapman's "Love Languages" popularized by the media. (Here is the link to his website in case you are unfamiliar) His love languages concept focuses on five behaviors that people might use to show love and how they receive love: Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Acts of Service. Well, recently, people have been talking about adding a sixth love language- distance. (Click here to read a related blog post by Jessica Wildfire) When different states and cities enacted shutdowns, we learned the way distance impacts our relationships. Whether you were spending way more time inside your home with a partner or you were unable to travel to see loved ones as you did, distance was a massive theme of the year. Couples have needed to find a balance of alone time, together time, and quality time, all while sharing the same air for days on end.

This year, people learned how often they need space in their relationships, physical environments, and even jobs.

Here are some tips from Vanessa Marin at the New York Times for easing the stress caused by the Coronavirus.

Work

While many businesses could move to a work-from-home format, other professions could not (first responders, healthcare workers, utility personnel, mail persons, to name a few). Their workloads were increased due to additional sanitation procedures or covering down for quarantined employees. For people who began working from home, there were struggles in even just finding a physical space to operate and maintain a proper work-life balance—screen fatigue.

Across the board, many of us were not trained to maintain our workloads during a global pandemic. We have adapted in a lot of ways to fit our companies and customers' needs, sometimes at our own expense.

• Here are some ways to reduce the effects of digital eye strain and fatigue.

• This post from the Today Show provides tips for achieving better work-life boundaries for those working from home in the COVID-19 pandemic.

• In this piece from the Jefferson Center, they offer ways to help you balance your career and personal obligations.

Parenting

Whether you are a pet, plant, or human parent, you probably did not expect to spend so much time in the home caretaking without much ability to engage in activities outside the home. In the beginning, there was this renaissance happening where parents and caregivers were scrambling to figure out how to operate in the "new normal." This scramble ignited creativity for many folks. They could make time in the home more conducive for remote learning or found alternative activities to celebrate special occasions. I have heard many parents express a burnt-out feeling where they feel depleted and defeated. I want to take a second and normalize that. What was projected to last two weeks is going on a year. The finish line was moved, and expectations changed several times over. Factor in the difficulties connecting with other parents, support systems, and professionals at the same time.

Please try to remember that you have been doing the best you can in an unprecedented time. Your kids (human, furry, or leafy) will remember the effort you put in, not necessarily all the ways you feel you have failed. Also, here is this nifty website created by psychologists who are also parents living in this pandemic. They offer short videos and tips for pandemic parenting.

Mental Health

We have seen an increase in inquiries about mental health services this year due to the stress brought on by the virus and TeleHealth becoming more widely available as a more accessible option. I would also like to acknowledge the uptick in substance use disorders and anxiety diagnoses. (Read specifics in this brief from the Kaiser Family Foundation) Circumstances that are already difficult have been made worse by additional, unprecedented hardship.

Overall, this year has been a ginormous collective challenge that pointed out or exacerbated problem areas in our personal lives and society as a whole (in our criminal justice, educational, and healthcare systems especially). Try to find understanding for yourself and honor the different parts of your life that the COVID-19 virus has impacted. Give yourself props for adapting to the many changes you had to make, even when you were unsure that they would help.

Finally, the CDC has recommendations listed here for coping with the stress you may be experiencing due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

How to Better Cope, Help, and Balance Your Needs in Our Political/Environmental/Emotional World

By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

As of September 1st, 2019, “which was the 244th day of the year, there have been 283 mass shootings in the U.S.” (source); we have experienced more shootings than days. As I type this, Hurricane Dorian is barreling its way across the Bahamas and towards the southeastern coast of the United States and families are still being separated at our borders and within our country. Between these catastrophic natural disasters and terrifying acts of terrorism, we are living in a climate of fear that can wreak havoc on our emotional wellness and mental health.

I know I have struggled to navigate my own feelings on these topics and the state of our political and environmental climate, but it comes up in my therapy sessions on an almost daily basis. I have cried with parents who cannot fathom the idea of their child being taken away from them and I have empathized with parents who are scared to send their kids to school or let their teenagers go to outdoor concerts for fear of yet another mass shooting. People are trying to understand how they can be more mindful of the environment and how that can impact some of their most intimate choices (like, should we have children if we do not know what the planet will look like in the next 50 years?).

Most of us are trying to understand how to live our normal, daily lives while we simultaneously fear for the safety of ourselves and our loved ones. It is taking an emotional toll, and it’s creating a spike in our collective anxiety.

Here are some topics to consider on the subject:

Media Intake

Limit your media; Either tune in occasionally in order to stay engaged and informed, or curate your intake very intentionally (ie. choose one podcast, or one newspaper), but do not feel bad turning off your twitter feed, turning off the news or closing your computer for some time. You are not disengaged or unfeeling if you decide not to watch violent footage, or become inundated with negative news cycles. It is imperative to create boundaries to protect your mental health and to respect your own limitations.

Meaningful tips on media consumption, from Brené Brown.

Seek Support

If you notice a rise in your fear and anxiety, or you’re struggling to manage your emotions as these tragic events continue to unfold, it might be worthwhile to seek some additional support. You can search for a therapist by zip code and/or specialty through Psychology Today.

Collective Healing

Reach out to friends and family. We are creatures of connection – and in times of threat and despair, we sometimes need to embrace our inner ‘pack animal.’ Put down your phone, and spend time with your people IRL; presence can be healing. Additionally, if you know someone who may not have family or friends nearby, reach out to them: invite them for coffee or have them over for dinner. Even something as simple as a text to tell someone you are thinking of them and hoping they are ok, means more to them than you realize. No one should have to feel alone during such a scary and uncertain time.

Get Involved

There is nothing worse than the feeling of helplessness that follow these horrific events; No, we cannot change what has taken place, but there is enormous healing in engagement and collective action. You can turn towards your local community and find a volunteer opportunity nearby. Connecting and helping in person may feel especially rewarding.

• If you’re in Chicago, this is a great resource: https://www.chicagocares.org/

If you are feeling compelled to turn your attention towards gun reform, these organizations have opportunities both to donate and volunteer. There are numerous events and meetings around Chicagoland - just search below:

• Every Town for Gun Safety: https://everytown.org/

• Moms Demand Action: https://momsdemandaction.org/

Red Cross - you can donate directly to those who have been impacted by Hurricane Dorian

[Unfortunately, I felt inclined to write a similar blog post almost two years ago after the Las Vegas shooting, which occurred right on the heels of a shooting in Texas, and the horrific earthquake in Mexico City. You can read my thoughts and many recycled tips from October 2017, here]

5 Grounding Exercises for When Anxiety Hits

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By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

Anxiety is often not a favorite feeling. It can make us feel panicky, tense and not in control. While helpful in small amounts, anxiety can feel overwhelming when it is more intense. Grounding techniques are helpful in-the-moment exercises to decrease those feelings of anxiety and bring us back to the present. Here are five quick grounding exercises to try when you’re feeling anxious:

1. The “54321” Technique

- Name 5 things you can see right now (tree, bookcase, etc)

- Name 4 things you can feel right now (feet on floor, back on couch, etc)

- Name 3 things you can hear right now (music, people talking outside, etc)

- Name 2 things you can smell right now (fresh air, food cooking, etc)

- Name 1 good thing about yourself (I am thoughtful, I am strong, etc)

2. The Category Game

Try to name as many different items in a category that you can remember, such as different types of dog breeds, movies you’ve seen, cities you’ve visited, types of food, etc.

3. Square Breathing

- Inhale for 4 seconds

- Hold for 4 seconds

- Exhale for 4 seconds

- Hold for 4 seconds

- Repeat

Focus on how your breath feels coming in and out of your body during this exercise, and make sure to breathe from your diaphragm so that your belly expands before your chest.

4. Repeat a mantra or soothing statement to yourself

- “I can handle this”

- “This feeling will pass”

- “I am safe right now”

5. Remind yourself of things you are looking forward to in the next week

- Trying a new restaurant

- Going to a movie

- Spending time with a friend