Wedding Woes

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

The past few years, I have had significant experience discussing wedding planning with clients, both with individuals and couples. This topic more recently resonates with me personally as I just went through the wedding planning process myself. I know how stressful and overwhelming it can be. It is easy to lose sight of the importance of the whole process when you get sucked into the pressure of the wedding industry. Of course, everyone wants their wedding to be “perfect” and magical, but I think that can get in the way of just enjoying the process and getting excited about marrying your best friend. I have outlined some helpful tips that I tried to keep in mind myself. I deeply acknowledge that no one is perfect, and it is easy to get lost in the stress (trust me I get it), but sometimes it is helpful to have a reminder from someone who has gone through it.

Try to stay as present as possible

• I know this one seems like a given but the process goes by so quickly and it is such a fun time! It is important to enjoy the celebrations and the prep because before you know it, it’ll all be over. Try to take it one step at a time and don’t get ahead of yourself. It will all get done in the end.

Create lists

• Stay organized and know what needs to get done and when. Not everyone decides to have a planner for various reasons, so this is so beneficial to stay on top of everything. By doing this, it can help with the first tip of staying present. Focus on one month at a time and check off those tasks as they come up. It helps to see things get crossed off the list knowing that you’re making progress.

Block out the noise

• Family and friends can often have many opinions and things to say, but ultimately it is not their wedding. If something is not on your radar as stressful, don’t take on someone else’s concerns. Focus on what you’re doing and what your vision is. Of course, most people are coming from a loving place and just want to help but at a certain point it can become too much and you might need to implement some healthy boundaries.

Take time for yourself and for your partner

• Make sure you are still taking time for balance and focusing on your own self-care (taking breaks, going on walks, meditating, getting fresh air, etc.). Also making sure you are still having quality time with your partner to go on a date and maybe not talk about the wedding! Trust me, I know that can be tough especially as it gets closer, but let your mind have a break from all the logistics and just focus on being together and having fun!

Ask for help if needed

• Yes, I know I said to block out the noise, but it is also okay to delegate and ask for help when you feel like you are at your max capacity. Family and friends are happy to help so make it clear to them what would be HELPFUL and what would just add to your stress.

Create a budget and stick to it

• Financial stress can be a huge part of wedding planning especially if you are the one managing the payments. It is helpful before starting, to look at your finances and create a budget that makes sense to you. Look at the things you wish to have, get some quotes, and maybe make some adjustments. Even if you are not able to do everything you had envisioned, I guarantee it will not take away from the beautiful day. Ultimately, you don’t want to put yourself in a bad financial position post wedding.

Remind yourself of the reason for the wedding

• The whole purpose for this prep and planning is to get married! Don’t forget that. Amid stress and chaos, take time to cherish the love you have for your partner and stay connected to the goal. Try to check in with each other and see how you both are feeling, and if either of you need anything. Especially as the wedding gets closer, tensions can arise, and it is crucial that you are acting as a team and on the same page. Don’t let the stress cloud the love that brought this wedding to be!

This process is both the longest and shortest span of time. It is quite the whirlwind when you are in it, and then once it’s over, you forget all about the small things that were mentally weighing you down. You are left with all the beautiful memories and moments from the weekend/day with your loved ones and spouse, that sometimes the stress seems silly. That is not to say the stress is not very real and all-consuming because it is. But once again, the purpose is to celebrate your love and something “going wrong” during the day or days leading up is not going to ruin that!

Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

The Power of Gratitude

By Nicole marino, amft

Hearing something as simple as “practicing gratitude is so important” seems so obvious and self-explanatory, but it is a practice that is often overlooked. In our current world that is full of social media comparison, it is even more important to disconnect and remind yourself about the life that you are living. Big or small; we all have things in our lives to be grateful for every day. It is so easy to go on tik tok or Instagram and see a perfectly curated video or feed of someone’s life full of beautiful vacations or a successful career or a perfect relationship, but social media is a highlight reel. Social media only shows the good parts of our lives. It doesn’t often show the down days full of stress, sadness, loneliness, or defeat. Don’t fall into the comparison trap and assume that everyone else’s lives are so much better than yours, especially seeing it through the lens of social media content.

Reflecting at least once a day on the things that are positive or make you happy in your life can really help reframe your mindset and overall mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression. People can assume that in order to be grateful, we need to have a lot of exciting things going on outside of the mundane tasks of daily life. But that is not true. You can express gratitude for something as simple as the sun shining today, your walk with your dog, your warm comforter, or cooking your favorite meal. It does not have to be anything unique or outrageous!

Some ideas for practicing gratitude:

• Wake up and create a list first thing in the morning either in your head or on a piece of paper/journal

• Do a daily reflecting meditation

• Talk out loud with someone and share things you both are feeling grateful for

• Create a gratitude jar where you add at least one thing per day

• Call a friend or family member and express your gratitude for your relationship with them

• Create a list of gratitude affirmations to read/recite each day to yourself

• Lay in bed at the end of the day and reflect on the aspects of your day that you are grateful for

Ideas of things to be grateful for:

Like I stated before, the things that you feel grateful for do not have to be out of the ordinary. It is important to reflect on the simple things in life that bring an extra spark of joy if we were not able to do it. This may be different each day given your routine or schedule, and that is okay! Just reflect from whatever the day was, even if it was a horrible day in your opinion. I bet you can find at least one thing to be grateful for.

• Health

• Friends or family

• Laughing today

• Connecting with someone you normally wouldn’t

• Listening to your favorite podcast or music

• Getting to work on time

• Coming home after a long day and changing into your pajamas

• Someone holding the door for you

• Tomorrow being a new day and a fresh start

• Finding a new book or show

• Getting outside and connecting with nature

• Having positive self-talk during a tough day

• Coping the best you could with stress and being proud of that effort

These are just some examples of things that you can potentially feel grateful for on a given day. Just remind yourself that big or small, your life matters and the things that happen matter! When we take a step back and reflect, we can find that we have so much more to be grateful for than we sometimes give credit for. Try this and see how you feel! You might find yourself having a different outlook on your life and notice yourself comparing less to others.

Social Media Comparison Burnout

By Megan allcock, LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout. 

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. 

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family. 

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media? 

1. Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. 

2. Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life. 

3. Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media. 

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

The Dread of Valentine’s Season

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With February here, this time of year can bring on a mix of emotions for many different people especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day. It can be a triggering time for many people. Whether you are single or grieving, it can be emotionally challenging with the constant reminder of hearts and love everywhere you go. This February could be an opportunity to look at this month and season of time differently rather than giving it the power to bring down your mood.

At the most basic level, Valentine’s Day is about love. That doesn’t mean it has to be romantic love. Maybe take this month as a self-care and self-love month to focus just on yourself! Or with so many fun Galentine’s ideas, maybe getting together with your friends and focus on the love you have within that support system in your life. Even if you do not have a romantic partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate and embrace the feeling of the season.

There are so many good ideas when it comes to focusing on self-care such as….

- Cooking yourself dinner and watch your favorite show/movie

- Bake your favorite dessert

- Go for a long walk

- Take yourself on a date (dinner, movie, get out of town, etc.)

- Get yourself some sort of beauty treatment (massage, facial, etc.)

- Paint or draw (lean into your creative side)

- Organize or do some cleaning that maybe you’ve been procrastinating

- Go to a workout class

- Resight some self-affirmations and remind yourself of how amazing you are

Even if you don’t want to be alone, spend some time with friends or family. You can do any of those things with someone else. You can also host a party or get-together with people in your life who need to be reminded that they are also loved. It is such an important time to remind the people in your life why you care about them and feel gratitude for the things and people that you feel lucky to have. Remind yourself of the things you do have in life, while also allowing yourself to feel however you feel. Meet yourself where you are at and listen to what you need. If this month is just something you want to get through and move on from then that is completely okay! Just know that you are not alone even if sometimes it can feel that way.

Navigating the Maze: Understanding High Functioning Anxiety

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it manifests differently in each individual, there is an unofficial subtype often labeled as High Functioning Anxiety. So what is that exactly?

High functioning anxiety is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it's a term used to describe individuals who outwardly appear to have their lives together while silently battling persistent anxiety beneath the surface.

Some of the key characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety include:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in every aspect of their lives.

• Overthinking: Constant overthinking and ruminating about past events or future scenarios.

• Procrastination: Ironically, some individuals with high functioning anxiety may procrastinate tasks due to the fear of not meeting their own high standards.

• Constant Worry: Excessive worrying, even about trivial matters, is common as well.

• Difficulty Relaxing: People with high functioning anxiety may find it challenging to relax or "switch off," always feeling the need to be productive or busy.

• Physical Symptoms: While not always present, physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and gastrointestinal issues are common too.

So how is it different from typical anxiety? The main difference between high functioning anxiety and typical anxiety is the ability to maintain a presence of “normal”. High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed because individuals suffering from it have developed coping mechanisms to navigate daily life effectively. They may excel at work, maintain social relationships, and fulfill responsibilities, all while concealing their inner stress and anxiety. 

If you think you might suffer from this, here are some tips to help manage it better. 

• Self-awareness: Recognizing and accepting that you have high functioning anxiety is crucial. Understand that it's okay and often necessary to seek help and support.

• Therapy: A therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with anxiety symptoms as well as navigate some of the underlying causes for your anxiety.

• Medication: Medication prescribed by a healthcare professional may be necessary and very helpful to alleviate anxiety symptoms - usually in conjunction with talk therapy.

• Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and relaxation techniques as often as possible.

• Set realistic goals: Challenge the need for perfectionism and set achievable, reasonable goals for yourself. Practice self-compassion.

• Establish boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

• Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Often, simply talking about your anxiety can provide some relief.

There Is More When It Comes To Listening To Your Body

By Bree Minger, AMFT

Often, the phrase “listen to your body” makes one think of the body’s basic needs like hunger, thirst, and sleep. For all of those needs our bodies send us clues that tell us to grab an extra snack when we are hungry, drink a glass of water after a long walk, or head to bed a little earlier on days that just felt like too much. 

Outside of those needs, our bodies communicate other messages that are often more subtle and harder to notice. These messages are related to our emotions. They don’t just exist in our heads; emotions are held and experienced throughout our entire bodies. 

In fact, the body, through the nervous system, can inform us of our emotions before our brains can identify our feelings. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach and that is when you realize you’re nervous for a big presentation? Or have you noticed your heartbeat pick up when you are feeling lost in a place you’ve never been? What about that feeling of pins and needles on your arms as you think about having a hard conversation with a loved one? 

Each body experiences emotions differently based on past experiences, stories, or traumas. Some of these described sensations may feel familiar, and if some feel unfamiliar, you are not alone. Day to day, many people live in their head and ignore their bodily cues, sensations, discomfort, or pain. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, describes this as a muffling of one’s senses. Why may living in your head, and ignoring your body, be dangerous? A lack of connection between the brain and the rest of the body has the power to influence our interactions and relationships, as well as block the path to healing past traumas and difficulties. 

Wondering how to start listening more closely? 

1. Mindfulness is key. Paying attention to bodily sensations can allow one to more closely understand the waves of their emotions and therefore gain more control over them according to Van Der Kolk. A helpful meditation practice may begin with deep breathing or a body scan. 

2. Yoga can be an effective exercise to restore the brain and body connection. The combination of deep breathing, different postures and meditation has powerful effects. 

3. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy is an effective way to treat trauma. Different from talk therapy, EMDR allows access to memories and can be helpful to observe experiences from a different context of external stimulation, including eye movement, tapping, or other stimuli.  

Ultimately, the word “emotion” comes from the Latin word emovere or “to move out.” This tells us that healing from past traumas, both big “T” and little “t,” involves listening to our bodies and discovering the movement, rest, postures, mindfulness, and/or processing it requires. There is so much to learn about your body and how it informs who you are today. 

Curious to learn more or get started with a therapist? We have made this easy. Visit our website and fill out the intake form today.     

References: Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014. EMDR Institute, Inc. 

Breaking and Making Habits

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With the start of the new year quickly approaching, many people often re-evaluate their habits and routines wishing to start the year off on the best foot. Breaking and making new habits can be challenging, but it is not impossible. It takes time to 1. Break a habit and then 2. Make a new habit because it takes a lot of effort to re-wire and re-train your brain to stop doing something to then start doing something else. This list of tips could potentially help with the process but do keep in mind that this is a process! Even if you make missteps along the way, that doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track and continue.

• Be patient: As stated above, this is a process. On average, it can take about two months to make a behavior a habit, so it can take even longer to break a habit to then create a new one.

• With that being said, Consistency is key: Take it day by day when it comes to creating your new routine. The more you do something, the more natural it will become with time. You will start doing that behavior without evening having to put much thought to it, meaning it became a habit and pattern.

• Don’t shame yourself: You might mess up and make mistakes along the way, but that is OKAY! It is normal to ebb and flow when it comes to breaking and making habits. Show yourself grace and compassion that this is not going to happen overnight and that is to be expected. The more you shame yourself, the more discouraged you are going to feel so remind yourself you are human; therefore, you are not perfect.

• Don’t take on too many changes at once: Take things one step at a time! Taking on too many habits and changes all at once, can be incredibly overwhelming leading to slipping into old habits and doing what feels easier. Taking on a few changes at once can give you more opportunity to focus your efforts more and stay consistent.

• Be mindful: There are a few elements when it comes to being mindful. First, when it comes to breaking a habit, try to identify your triggers and what contributes to you falling into those habits. Either eliminate those triggers or try to avoid them. If a trigger is unavoidable, being mindful of how you relate and react to the trigger. Replace the “old” habit or behavior with the habit you are trying to implement instead. This is easier said than done, but that is why being mindful and self-aware in those moments is beneficial. It helps slow you down so you can check in with yourself around your what you are doing.

• Incentivize yourself: When it comes to creating new habits, rewarding yourself can help your brain draw the connection between the behavior and pleasure. This can help encourage you to desire following through more with the habit when there is a positive correlation to it.

Self Care - Redesigned

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Self care is a term that has really taken off in the past few years. As the awareness of mental health began to increase, so did the idea of self care. Unfortunately, it has become capitalized on and therefore been reduced to this idea of face masks, candles, and bubble baths. Which are absolutely a PART of self care, but not the whole. Self care is a lifestyle not a “thing” to do. So let’s talk about nine different types of self care and how to incorporate them into your life.

Physical Self-Care is taking care of physical wellness and overall health. Some ways to practice self care for your body physically are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving your body in ways that feel good, making and keeping doctor appointments, eating nutrient dense foods and getting enough fresh air/sunlight.

Emotional Self-Care is taking care of your emotions using empathy and self compassion. Ways to practice this would be journaling, therapy, emotional check ins with yourself, self compassion, releasing energy through music or art, asking for help when you need it and managing your stress.

Social Self-Care is a type of care that involves health family, friend and romantic relationships. It is important when fulfilling this type to spend time with safe people, create and maintain health boundaries, understand and follow through on your emotional battery (balancing alone time and social time depending on individual needs), and asking for support from safe people.

Spiritual Self-Care this care often involves religious beliefs, but is important to remember this involved any activity that nurtures your spirit, soul and allows you to think about something bigger than yourself. Examples include meditation, yoga, going to a place of worship, spending time in nature, prayer, reflecting, etc.

Personal Self-Care prioritizes doing things that honor what you enjoy, need and want. This can include enjoying hobbies, treating yourself (traditional self care of face masks, spa, candle, etc), trying something new, and spending time alone.

Home Environment Self-Care can be a bit of a challenge for some because this can often be out of your control, particularly for kids and teens. This type of self care involved maintaining a safe, functional and comfortable home space. This can look like having physical safety and stability, but also includes having a clean, comfy organized space in whatever form that applies to you.

Financial Self-Care is another challenging one because it often can be somewhat out of people’s control. This means maintaining financial goals and obligations. Self-care in this form often involves saving, researching budget information, paying bills, managing money and budgeting, and getting advice from financial experts (this can be personalized, but also through a podcast or internet source).

Intellectual Self-Care addresses the inner thinker and lifetime learner that exists in all of us. This type of care involves expanding your knowledge, mindset or reasoning. Some examples to foster this include reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, or even researching into a specific topic that interests you.

It is not necessary to do all of these everyday because first, that’s unrealistic and second, you don’t usually need all nine in one day. There will be some moments you are craving intellectual self care, so lean into that. There will be seasons of life that need more of one kind of self care than the other, so again go with that by listening to your brain and body. All you can do is your best!