Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

Social Media Comparison Burnout

By Megan allcock, LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout. 

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. 

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family. 

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media? 

1. Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. 

2. Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life. 

3. Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media. 

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

The Science of Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Clients are often skeptical when I suggest that choosing to cultivate and listen to an inner voice of self-compassion will move them closer to their goals. They are especially skeptical when I tell them that this is proven to work much better than listening to their harsh inner self-critic.

I fully understand their reaction. Their skepticism surfaces because what I am telling them feels counter-intuitive. Logic tells us that if we push ourselves, we’ll work harder. If we’re kind to ourselves, clients ask me “won’t I get lazy?”

Thankfully we have research to answer this question for us. Research shows us that self-criticism undermines motivation. Here’s why.

We have a reptilian brain that evolved to keep us safe from threats. When we criticize ourselves we activate our body’s fight or flight response system. This means our bodies become flooded with the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline to ready us for action against a threat. Someone who is constantly judging and criticizing themself experiences high levels of stress. At a certain point it becomes too much: the body and brain have to shut down. This shut down is depression. And depression is not a motivational state of mind. We become the attacker and the attacked all in one.

Thankfully, we are also mammals. And a key feature of being a mammal is the early attachment between mother and infant that creates a safe nurturing environment to grow. Our bodies and brains are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we give ourselves compassion, we activate the mammalian caregiver system which releases feel-good hormones oxytocin and opiates. When we give ourselves compassion we reduce our cortisol levels. And, when we feel safe and comforted, we are in our optimal mind state to do our best.

References:

Ted Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff

“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff (Harper Collins, 2011)

“Good Morning I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro (Sounds True Press, 2020)