Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

How Much Time Should My Child Spend Online?

By Bree Minger, afmt

In today’s world, devices are unavoidable— especially for children. Smart phones, tablets and TVs are easily accessible for many people and an integral part of daily life. Many parents wonder how much time is appropriate for their child to spend online or looking at screens. According to MedlinePlus children screen use can total five to seven hours every day. Typically, the recommendation has been that children should spend less than two hours a day in front of screens. With this large difference in usage versus recommendations, it is imperative to determine what healthy usage of screentime looks like based on child development. 

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released new guidelines for children’s screen time. The AAP bases their recommendations on the 5 C’s of Child and Teen Media Use: Child, Content, Calm, Crowding Out, Communication. 

Child: Knowing your child and their personality helps in determining use or limits. It is important to consider how screen time impacts your child’s feelings. How does it impact their mood? Have they experienced bullying online or do they have supportive online interactions? Is it connected to trouble falling asleep or waking up throughout the night?

Content: It is important to be aware of what content your child is consuming online and if it is age appropriate. Is the content promoting unrealistic beauty standards or violence? Does the content match the values your family holds? Are you using parental controls that prevent your child from discovering inappropriate content?

Calm: Many parents turn to media to aid in calming down their child. If calm down strategies are reliant on screen time, consider seeking other coping strategies for your child. Depending on your child’s age there are different deep breathing techniques such as smelling roses and blowing bubbles for young children, or box breathing for older children. Other comforts like a stuffed animal, blankets or listening to soothing music are also helpful alternatives to screen time.  

Crowding Out: Often times, screen time can be a major distraction from other activities to enjoy as a family. If wanting to cut down on screen use, consider how your family will fill the gap of time. Do you dream of more sleep, family bike rides, or more quality time as a family? Brainstorm how you could improve family relationships or connect without screens. 

Communication: Keeping communication open about media use and screentime is helpful for both parents and children. This helps the parent to be aware of content consumption, overall use and how it is impacting your child’s health. Communication is also helpful for your child to be knowledgeable of what boundaries or expectations parents have about media use.

It also important to pay attention to different stages of development. For example, screen time use looks very different for a 2 year old versus a 15 year old. For more direction of appropriate use per stage of development visit the AAP website.

Sources: 

MedlinePlus

HealthyChildren.org

Reparenting Yourself: An Overview

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

Reparenting yourself is an approach to healing that is rooted in inner child-type work. This takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself!

The first task is seeing that we were deserving of love, support, encouragement, etc. from caregivers when we were younger. Think about a younger version of yourself who was really going through a tough time. Imagine them sitting next to you. If you asked them what they need, what would they say? Would they be able to name a caregiver who fulfills these needs?

The second task is recognizing that our caregiver(s) were flawed humans and for whatever reason were not able to give those things to us. Deep down you may have been longing all this time for a parental figure you never got; one you may not ever be able to have because it simply is not possible for them. Over time, we develop schemas about the world, other people, and ourselves.

Examples of negative schemas:

“My father was unreliable so ALL men can’t be trusted”

“I am hard to understand, so I am hard to love”

“When I’m not perfect, I don’t have value. I need to work as hard as possible at everything I do”

“My needs aren’t as important as others’, so I have to do everything for everyone else before doing anything for myself”

These thoughts may have provided a sense of safety and security in our youth, but as fully developed people, they no longer serve us in that way.

The third task of this (my favorite part) is being able to intentionally give ourselves the things that we’ve been craving. As adult, you are likely dealing with the same unmet needs from childhood. NOW you have the agency to choose or ask for support in meeting those needs. Reparenting yourself means you can select reparative experiences for yourself that make you feel good or help you grow.

Some examples of reparenting may be:

• A person who grew up desiring more physical affection from loved ones may surround themselves with friends who are consistently consensually affectionate.

• Someone who wanted more encouragement or validation growing up may find it healing to practice positive self-talk and affirmations in the mirror.

• A child who grew up feeling constantly unsafe may find peace in the ability as an adult to choose a home or neighborhood that makes them feels safe.

Parents: I am not blaming you. An adult child reparenting themselves does not mean you failed. Maybe there were times where you were (for any reason really) unable to give them what they expected and needed from you. I’d be willing to bet that you yourself have unmet needs from your own childhood. This is an intergenerational cycle that you can choose to interrupt. It’s never too late to reparent yourself! You’ve been yearning for things for far too long now and you deserve to give them to yourself!

Extras/Resources:

Article by Bryce Godfrey on impacts of unmet needs and some specifics about how to reparent yourself

YouTube video by Katie Morton, LMFT that provides an overview of reparenting using yourself and/or a therapist

Book by Yong Kang Chan provides a more in-depth look at the process of reparenting

Parenting Styles and Course Corrections

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

In the world of psychology, we tend to group parenting styles into 4 categories, which occur along a continuum. This construct was originated by Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s who did extensive work observing toddler behavior and drawing connections between parenting styles and the effects on toddlers. Here are the 4 styles:

Permissive: LOW STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. No rules or consequences, loving, affectionate, approving.

Authoritative: HIGH STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. Clear Expectations and rules. Loving, empathic, firm.

Authoritarian: HIGH STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Disciplinarian, hostile, rigidity.

Neglectful/Uninvolved: LOW STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Absent, unavailable, unpredictable.

We know from considerable research that authoritative parenting is associated with the best outcomes for children. These parents are warm, responsive, and empathic. They also CALMLY set realistic, developmentally appropriate behavioral expectations. Across culture and family forms, the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles produces poorer outcomes, affecting self-esteem, social skills, and academic performance as well as being associated with substance abuse and mental health struggles.

When family units experience major stressors – a death in the family, financial hardship, a pandemic, divorce/parental recoupling – parents whose baseline is the authoritative parenting bucket can slip into one of the other categories without realizing this shift has occurred. For example, a parent’s guilt over a divorce may lead to never telling a child “no” (permissive parenting). A parent’s stress and anxiety over a job loss can lead to reacting instead of responding (authoritarian parenting). We should expect these parenting style micro-oscillations to occur alongside the stressful experiences parents encounter in the modern world. What’s important is that parents bring self-awareness and curiosity to how stressors affect their parenting styles. This type of self-reflection allows parents to course correct and return to their baseline of authoritative parenting. To course correct you can’t get tangled up in shame; expect, even anticipate, that you will make mistakes. When stressors enter your life, make a practice of thinking and talking through (with yourself, a spouse, a co-parent, or a therapist) what aspects of high-structure-high-warmth parenting may feel especially hard under these circumstances.

And, never underestimate the power of a well-placed reminder such as the above diagram, printed out and placed on the fridge or mirror.

Equal or Equitable? Deciding what to spend on your kids.

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

With graduation season right around the corner, the issue of what or how much to give your graduate will be much discussed in the coming weeks. And it raises the larger question of equal spending on gifts when you have more than one child. The Wall Street Journal recently asked me my thoughts on this topic. I’ve shared and expanded on them below for those who are not subscribers.

Parents typically want to spend the same amount of money on each child in the spirit of fairness. But an event like graduation complicates the situation. Birthdays happen annually for each of the children, but a graduation is a one-off situation, causing parents to calculate amounts in their head and strain their memories to remember what was gifted older children for comparable graduations.

Spending equal amounts on children, generally, is a sound policy, though it is a complicated formula. When you have siblings in varying age categories, or when parents’ financial circumstance change over time, or parents split up and re-partner – those are circumstances that can affect an “equal spending” mantra. Additionally, there are many other places parents spend money on children throughout a year that might need to be part of the equation.

Instead of pure equality in dollar amounts, parents should strive for fairness over time rather equal spending at each gift giving opportunity. Fair does not necessarily mean equal. Fairness considers the larger context, specific circumstances, and each child as an individual.

Suppose your middle schooler wants a pair of super pricey sneakers for his or her birthday. While this means nothing to a 7-year-old sibling at this juncture, when that child reaches middle school but is told, for example, she cannot have the expensive hair straightener she is requesting that cost about the same. These feelings may be directed at you the parent, the sibling, or internalized to mean something about how you feel about her.

You’ll also see this in reverse as parents are able to spend more on younger siblings as the older ones move out or parents begin to do better financially. An older sibling may feel some kind of way when his younger brother is given a brand-new iPhone for his 14th birthday but at 14 all he got was “crummy refurbished laptop.” Again, these feelings may manifest as resentment and anger at the parents, the sibling or both. Or the child may internalize this to mean their parents have a favorite child.

With a goal of fairness over time it becomes easier to consider other costs such as extra curricular activities. If one child is involved in travel sports that eats greatly into a family’s budget, and another child is into electronics, it might be fair to spend more on the second child’s electronic gifts at Christmas or their birthday than the gifts purchased for their athletic child. These things can and typically do balance out over time.

It’s also important to consider your individual children. Some children care more about these things than others. It can be helpful to know your child’s love language to you can better assess what each most needs and deems important. A quality time or acts of service kid might not pay any attention to the gifts given to a sibling if they are personally getting the quality time or meeting their acts of service needs consistently. This is also a way to consciously attend to the ways equity and fairness are not always about equality. Parents can discover their child’s love language via this site.

There are different quizzes for different age groups.

I believe in being as age appropriately open, honest, and transparent as possible with your children when it comes to most issues, this includes money and finances. Open up around how you make decisions around buying gifts and spending money in general. Kids don’t need all the specifics, but you can let them in on your process. This is how they begin to learn about making financial decisions. These are great topics for family meetings and a positive way to break the taboos many families have around not talking about money.

When children are included in conversations and provided insight into how you make decisions, resentment is less likely and securing their buy in and cooperation becomes easier. When you don’t talk to children, they fill in the blanks themselves and make up their own stories about what things mean in relation to themselves. Children understand more than most parents give them credit for, and even if they don’t fully understand, they’re willing to go along If they are made to feel included and allowed to have a voice in the process.

Lastly, if there are wounds that around this topic impacting sibling and/or the parent-child relationship, a family therapist can help you navigate the healing process.