Harnessing the Power of Awe

By Anne Decore, lmft

I recently attended a psychology conference in California where I had the opportunity to learn about the science of awe from Jonah Paquette, a clinical psychologist and author of the book “Awestruck: How Embracing Wonder Can Make You Happier, Healthier, and More Connected.”

So, what is awe and why is it important in our lives?

According to Paquette we can define it as “the feeling we get in the presence of something vast that challenges our understanding of the world.”

Vastness (perceptual or conceptual) and transcendence (assumption-challenging) are the two key components of awe. Awe is a universal human emotion found across all cultures, though there are individual differences in frequency of experiencing awe, and in sources of awe.

I invite you to try this quick mental exercise:

Think about a particularly awe-inspiring memory that you can recall.

Where were you?

Who were you with?

What was the experience like? How did your body feel?

How did you feel toward others?

What perspectives did you have?

You may have noticed from your personal recollection how awe served as a pathway into connection, compassion, curiosity, gratitude, optimism. In other words, awe increases important positive mood states. Studies show that awe activates areas in the brain linked to interpersonal bonding and the release of oxytocin. And, it reliably leads to a feeling of smallness relative to the world around us, a phenomenon known as “the small self”, where we feel linked to something greater than ourselves, increasing our sense of meaning.

In other words, awe induction is really good for us. How can you experience more awe-inspired moments? Look for it in the everyday. As Dr.Paquette puts it, “how many things in your field of vision are actually wondrous, but that we overlook every day?”

Here are some places likely to yield results:

Nature, science, timelessness & vastness, courage & inspiration, the arts, gratitude, social connection, new learnings.

While I was in California for the conference, I got to see fireworks light up the night sky beside a dear longtime friend of mine. The only thing better than awe is sharing it with others.

Falling Into Wellness: Navigating Mental Health This Autumn

By Olivia grossklaus, AMFT

As the leaves change and the air turns chilly, fall brings a blend of beauty and challenges. While many welcome the change of season from hot summer days to cozy autumn mornings, the shift in seasons can also have a profound impact on all of our mental well-being. Understanding these dynamics and embracing healthy habits can help all us navigate this transitional period with resilience and joy. Here’s how to prioritize your mental well-being this fall.

Embrace the Change, Both Inside and Out

Fall represents a transition, in weather and in life. Embrace this change as an opportunity for growth. Reflect on what this season means for you and how you can set new intentions. This could involve starting a new hobby, focusing on personal goals, or simply adopting a more mindful approach to your daily routine.

Despite the cooler temperatures, spending time outdoors can significantly boost your mood. The beautiful fall foliage and crisp air provide a refreshing backdrop for walks, hikes, or picnics. Nature has a calming effect, and exposure to natural light can help combat feelings of sadness. Aim for at least 20-30 minutes outside each day to reap the mental health benefits.

Acknowledge Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

For some, the onset of fall marks the beginning of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a type of depression that occurs at specific times of the year. The reduced sunlight can lead to feelings of sadness, lethargy, and isolation. If you notice these symptoms, know you’re not alone. It’s crucial to seek support, whether through therapy, support groups, or connecting with loved ones who may understand your experiences, or are just there to listen.

Maintain a Routine

As summer fades, many people experience disruptions in their schedules. Establishing a consistent daily routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability. Include time for self-care, work, social activities, and relaxation. A well-structured routine helps to manage stress and keeps you grounded during seasonal transitions.

Stay Connected

As the days get shorter, it’s easy to retreat into solitude. However, staying connected with friends and loved ones is essential for mental health. Schedule regular catch-ups, whether in person or virtually, and engage in group activities. Sharing experiences and feelings with others can provide comfort and support, making the transition into fall much easier. It is also important to stay connected with yourself and your needs during this transition. Journaling or scheduling in some quiet time throughout the day is a great way to do this.

Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude

The fall season invites us to slow down and reflect. Incorporate mindfulness practices into your routine, such as meditation, journaling, body scans, or yoga. These activities can help ground you in the present moment and reduce anxiety. Additionally, cultivate gratitude by taking time each day to acknowledge the things you appreciate, from the beauty of the changing leaves to the warmth of your favorite sweater.

Prepare for Winter

As fall progresses, it’s wise to prepare for the winter months ahead. Consider strategies to boost your mood during the darker days, such as investing in a light therapy box, planning winter activities, or scheduling regular check-ins with a therapist. Having a plan in place can provide reassurance and help you feel more in control.

While the fall season can present challenges to mental health, it also offers a chance for renewal and reflection. By acknowledging your feelings, prioritizing self-care, and staying connected with others and yourself, you can navigate this transition with grace. Embrace the beauty of the season, and remember that it is always okay to seek help if and when you need it.

Wedding Woes

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

The past few years, I have had significant experience discussing wedding planning with clients, both with individuals and couples. This topic more recently resonates with me personally as I just went through the wedding planning process myself. I know how stressful and overwhelming it can be. It is easy to lose sight of the importance of the whole process when you get sucked into the pressure of the wedding industry. Of course, everyone wants their wedding to be “perfect” and magical, but I think that can get in the way of just enjoying the process and getting excited about marrying your best friend. I have outlined some helpful tips that I tried to keep in mind myself. I deeply acknowledge that no one is perfect, and it is easy to get lost in the stress (trust me I get it), but sometimes it is helpful to have a reminder from someone who has gone through it.

Try to stay as present as possible

• I know this one seems like a given but the process goes by so quickly and it is such a fun time! It is important to enjoy the celebrations and the prep because before you know it, it’ll all be over. Try to take it one step at a time and don’t get ahead of yourself. It will all get done in the end.

Create lists

• Stay organized and know what needs to get done and when. Not everyone decides to have a planner for various reasons, so this is so beneficial to stay on top of everything. By doing this, it can help with the first tip of staying present. Focus on one month at a time and check off those tasks as they come up. It helps to see things get crossed off the list knowing that you’re making progress.

Block out the noise

• Family and friends can often have many opinions and things to say, but ultimately it is not their wedding. If something is not on your radar as stressful, don’t take on someone else’s concerns. Focus on what you’re doing and what your vision is. Of course, most people are coming from a loving place and just want to help but at a certain point it can become too much and you might need to implement some healthy boundaries.

Take time for yourself and for your partner

• Make sure you are still taking time for balance and focusing on your own self-care (taking breaks, going on walks, meditating, getting fresh air, etc.). Also making sure you are still having quality time with your partner to go on a date and maybe not talk about the wedding! Trust me, I know that can be tough especially as it gets closer, but let your mind have a break from all the logistics and just focus on being together and having fun!

Ask for help if needed

• Yes, I know I said to block out the noise, but it is also okay to delegate and ask for help when you feel like you are at your max capacity. Family and friends are happy to help so make it clear to them what would be HELPFUL and what would just add to your stress.

Create a budget and stick to it

• Financial stress can be a huge part of wedding planning especially if you are the one managing the payments. It is helpful before starting, to look at your finances and create a budget that makes sense to you. Look at the things you wish to have, get some quotes, and maybe make some adjustments. Even if you are not able to do everything you had envisioned, I guarantee it will not take away from the beautiful day. Ultimately, you don’t want to put yourself in a bad financial position post wedding.

Remind yourself of the reason for the wedding

• The whole purpose for this prep and planning is to get married! Don’t forget that. Amid stress and chaos, take time to cherish the love you have for your partner and stay connected to the goal. Try to check in with each other and see how you both are feeling, and if either of you need anything. Especially as the wedding gets closer, tensions can arise, and it is crucial that you are acting as a team and on the same page. Don’t let the stress cloud the love that brought this wedding to be!

This process is both the longest and shortest span of time. It is quite the whirlwind when you are in it, and then once it’s over, you forget all about the small things that were mentally weighing you down. You are left with all the beautiful memories and moments from the weekend/day with your loved ones and spouse, that sometimes the stress seems silly. That is not to say the stress is not very real and all-consuming because it is. But once again, the purpose is to celebrate your love and something “going wrong” during the day or days leading up is not going to ruin that!

Decision-Making: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Anne Decore, lmft

Making decisions is something people struggle with often. Indecision and inaction can bring a lot of distress. So can the belief that one “made the wrong decision”.

Some decisions are clear and intuitive, and we can arrive at a choice with full confidence. Other decisions carry ambivalence – and always will even after we’ve picked a direction.

One general rule of thumb is to be guided by your values and goals. They can serve as guiding lights during times of uncertainty.

This 4-step framework may also help you operationalize decision-making:

1. Identify the problem.

It’s especially important to define the question/decision/choice/problem if you are making the decision as a couple, or a family, or a group.

Ask clarifying questions such as:

• What is the main challenge or opportunity here?

• What is my hoped-for outcome?

• If this decision is made successfully, what would that look like?

2. Generate Alternatives.

Come up with a diverse and comprehensive set of options. Don’t judge them as you generate. Allow yourself to flow and present all angles.

3. Assess these options.

How do their various outcomes compare to the defined criteria for success? How do these options square with constraints?

4. Best Fit.

Find the best fit for the situation. “Best fit” acknowledges that, very often, decision making is subjective and there may not be a “perfect” or “right” decision.

Lastly, and always, be kind to yourself. Decision-making isn’t easy. You’re doing your best.

Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

Coping with Social Comparison in the Summer

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Summer is a season often filled with social gatherings, vacations, and outdoor adventures. While this can be an exciting time, it can also trigger a feeling of being excluded. With social media feeds flooded with images of friends’ beach trips, concerts, and picturesque getaways, it's easy to feel like everyone else is having the time of their lives while you might be missing out. Here are some strategies to help you cope with social comparison and cultivate a healthier mindset during the summer months.

1. Limit Social Media Use

While social media platforms are great for staying connected, they can also create unrealistic expectations and comparisons. Try setting boundaries for your social media use:

● Designate specific times for checking social media rather than scrolling throughout the day.

● Take social media breaks by scheduling screen-free days or weekends.

● Unfollow or mute accounts that trigger negative feelings or comparisons.

2. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful antidote to social comparison. Focusing on what you have rather than what you lack can shift your perspective and increase your overall happiness. Here are some ways to practice gratitude:

● Keep a gratitude journal where you write down three things you’re grateful for each day.

● Share your gratitude with others by expressing appreciation to friends, family, or

coworkers.

● Reflect on positive experiences from your past summers and appreciate the unique

moments you’ve had.

3. Connect with Friends and Family

While social media can create a sense of connection, nothing beats real-life interactions. Strengthen your relationships with those around you:

● Plan get-togethers with friends and family, such as picnics, game nights, or potluck dinners.

● Reach out to reconnect with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while.

● Join local groups or clubs that align with your interests to meet new people and form new

connections.

4. Accept and Embrace Your Own Pace

Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s important to remember that your summer doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be fulfilling

● Set your own goals for the summer, whether that’s reading a certain number of books, learning a new skill, or simply relaxing and recharging.

● Celebrate small victories and acknowledge your achievements, no matter how minor they may seem.

● Be kind to yourself and recognize that it’s okay to have quieter, more restful periods.

How Much Time Should My Child Spend Online?

By Bree Minger, afmt

In today’s world, devices are unavoidable— especially for children. Smart phones, tablets and TVs are easily accessible for many people and an integral part of daily life. Many parents wonder how much time is appropriate for their child to spend online or looking at screens. According to MedlinePlus children screen use can total five to seven hours every day. Typically, the recommendation has been that children should spend less than two hours a day in front of screens. With this large difference in usage versus recommendations, it is imperative to determine what healthy usage of screentime looks like based on child development. 

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released new guidelines for children’s screen time. The AAP bases their recommendations on the 5 C’s of Child and Teen Media Use: Child, Content, Calm, Crowding Out, Communication. 

Child: Knowing your child and their personality helps in determining use or limits. It is important to consider how screen time impacts your child’s feelings. How does it impact their mood? Have they experienced bullying online or do they have supportive online interactions? Is it connected to trouble falling asleep or waking up throughout the night?

Content: It is important to be aware of what content your child is consuming online and if it is age appropriate. Is the content promoting unrealistic beauty standards or violence? Does the content match the values your family holds? Are you using parental controls that prevent your child from discovering inappropriate content?

Calm: Many parents turn to media to aid in calming down their child. If calm down strategies are reliant on screen time, consider seeking other coping strategies for your child. Depending on your child’s age there are different deep breathing techniques such as smelling roses and blowing bubbles for young children, or box breathing for older children. Other comforts like a stuffed animal, blankets or listening to soothing music are also helpful alternatives to screen time.  

Crowding Out: Often times, screen time can be a major distraction from other activities to enjoy as a family. If wanting to cut down on screen use, consider how your family will fill the gap of time. Do you dream of more sleep, family bike rides, or more quality time as a family? Brainstorm how you could improve family relationships or connect without screens. 

Communication: Keeping communication open about media use and screentime is helpful for both parents and children. This helps the parent to be aware of content consumption, overall use and how it is impacting your child’s health. Communication is also helpful for your child to be knowledgeable of what boundaries or expectations parents have about media use.

It also important to pay attention to different stages of development. For example, screen time use looks very different for a 2 year old versus a 15 year old. For more direction of appropriate use per stage of development visit the AAP website.

Sources: 

MedlinePlus

HealthyChildren.org

The Power of Gratitude

By Nicole marino, amft

Hearing something as simple as “practicing gratitude is so important” seems so obvious and self-explanatory, but it is a practice that is often overlooked. In our current world that is full of social media comparison, it is even more important to disconnect and remind yourself about the life that you are living. Big or small; we all have things in our lives to be grateful for every day. It is so easy to go on tik tok or Instagram and see a perfectly curated video or feed of someone’s life full of beautiful vacations or a successful career or a perfect relationship, but social media is a highlight reel. Social media only shows the good parts of our lives. It doesn’t often show the down days full of stress, sadness, loneliness, or defeat. Don’t fall into the comparison trap and assume that everyone else’s lives are so much better than yours, especially seeing it through the lens of social media content.

Reflecting at least once a day on the things that are positive or make you happy in your life can really help reframe your mindset and overall mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression. People can assume that in order to be grateful, we need to have a lot of exciting things going on outside of the mundane tasks of daily life. But that is not true. You can express gratitude for something as simple as the sun shining today, your walk with your dog, your warm comforter, or cooking your favorite meal. It does not have to be anything unique or outrageous!

Some ideas for practicing gratitude:

• Wake up and create a list first thing in the morning either in your head or on a piece of paper/journal

• Do a daily reflecting meditation

• Talk out loud with someone and share things you both are feeling grateful for

• Create a gratitude jar where you add at least one thing per day

• Call a friend or family member and express your gratitude for your relationship with them

• Create a list of gratitude affirmations to read/recite each day to yourself

• Lay in bed at the end of the day and reflect on the aspects of your day that you are grateful for

Ideas of things to be grateful for:

Like I stated before, the things that you feel grateful for do not have to be out of the ordinary. It is important to reflect on the simple things in life that bring an extra spark of joy if we were not able to do it. This may be different each day given your routine or schedule, and that is okay! Just reflect from whatever the day was, even if it was a horrible day in your opinion. I bet you can find at least one thing to be grateful for.

• Health

• Friends or family

• Laughing today

• Connecting with someone you normally wouldn’t

• Listening to your favorite podcast or music

• Getting to work on time

• Coming home after a long day and changing into your pajamas

• Someone holding the door for you

• Tomorrow being a new day and a fresh start

• Finding a new book or show

• Getting outside and connecting with nature

• Having positive self-talk during a tough day

• Coping the best you could with stress and being proud of that effort

These are just some examples of things that you can potentially feel grateful for on a given day. Just remind yourself that big or small, your life matters and the things that happen matter! When we take a step back and reflect, we can find that we have so much more to be grateful for than we sometimes give credit for. Try this and see how you feel! You might find yourself having a different outlook on your life and notice yourself comparing less to others.

Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

10 Ways To Practice Mindfulness This Winter Season

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The winter tends to feel like a whirlwind. The holidays start in November and keep us busy all the way to January when we decide to test ourselves with New Year’s resolutions. After that tends to peter off then comes the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. Many of these celebrations may induce anxious or depressive feelings about one’s relationships with family, romantic partners or singleness. Additionally, this season can lead to many celebrations which often include heavier drinking or substance use. During this time of year, it is too easy to get caught up in hurry or expectations of status leaving many of us feeling drained or overwhelmed. 

Alternatively, winter can be a very fruitful time of rest. A period of hibernation to reflect and prepare for the next season to come– whether that be a new relationship, a new season of singleness, learning how to manage anxiety or depression or simply the shift to spring weather. Through all of these changes and challenges, one can practice rest through mindfulness. Mindfulness is proven to decrease feelings of anxiety, depression, pain, stress, insomnia and high blood pressure. Overall mindfulness can be practiced in many ways, as long as the body and brain are slowing down to pay attention to one’s senses and experience. 

Here are 10 ways to be practice mindfulness for the remainder of the winter season: 

1. Find joy in simple pleasures. Whether reading a book or watching the snowfall, try to slow down the moment and notice the beauty or tranquility. Breathe in the peace and breathe out any distractions from that present moment. 

2. Mindful eating can help slow your thoughts, emotions and prolong the enjoyment of the meal. Next time you eat your favorite snack or food, focus on each bite, relishing in the flavors you taste or the food’s texture. 

3. Breathing is very powerful when it comes to slowing our bodies down. Paying attention to exhales in particular can regulate our nervous system rapidly. Even apps on smart watches can aid in practicing deep breathing for just 1 to 2 minutes a day. 

4. Body scans can be helpful to notice sensations and connect these to emotions you may be experiencing. Body scans can be incorporated into therapy, or helpful guides can be found on youtube or elsewhere online. 

5. Slow down daily moments. From making your bed, to brushing your teeth, to showering there are many opportunities to set intentions for the day. Perhaps choose a daily moment to focus on what you may need that day, or how you can show up for someone else. Use the time to set a small daily goal that is achievable. 

6. Practicing gratitude can be an effective way to reflect on the day. Either at the end of the work day or while getting ready for bed reflect on one part of your day that stood out or one person for whom you are grateful. 

7. Progressive muscle relaxation can be an entry level meditation if mindfulness is uncomfortable. Again, a meditation like this can be incorporated into therapy sessions or guides are easily found online. 

8. Walking meditations reap several benefits because they incorporate physical activity and slowing down in the moment. Go for at least a 10 minute walk and notice the feeling of your footsteps and the shift of your body weight.

9. Engaging in art or creativity is also a very beneficial way to practice mindfulness. From painting to woodworking, using one’s hands to create is very helpful. 

10. Massage therapy is another mindful practice that connects the body and the brain. Releasing tension through massages comes from the release of endorphins allowing the body to fully relax and feel sensations of calm. 

SOURCES

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Navigating the Seasonal Shift

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

For many, the change in seasons brings not only a shift in temperature but also a shift in mood. I often find that my clients experience noticeable emotional changes with the arrival of fall and the transition to winter. The impact of weather and changing seasons on mental health is a well-documented phenomenon. As the sunlight wanes, some individuals may experience a shift in mood often referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). However, even for those who don't meet the clinical criteria for SAD, the change in seasons can still influence emotions and well-being. Let's discuss strategies for maintaining well-being during the colder, darker months.

Acknowledge your feelings

The first step in navigating this seasonal emotional terrain is acknowledging and accepting your feelings. It's okay to notice shifts in your mood, energy levels, or motivation as the days get shorter. Understanding that these changes are a natural response to external factors can alleviate some of the pressure you might feel to be constantly upbeat.

Connect with nature

While the weather may be less inviting, try to maintain a connection with nature. Take short walks during daylight hours, even if the sunlight is scarce. Exposure to natural light can have a positive impact on mood and energy levels. Consider bringing elements of nature indoors—flowers, plants, or even a sunlight-mimicking lamp can make a difference.

Set a routine

With daylight diminishing, it's easy to let routine slip away. However, maintaining a consistent daily routine can provide a sense of stability and control. Set regular sleep patterns, make time for exercise, and prioritize activities that bring you joy. Routine can act as an anchor during times of emotional flux.

Socialize and seek support

The urge to hibernate during colder months is real, but social connections are vital for emotional well-being. Make an effort to spend time with loved ones, whether in person or virtually.

I encourage my clients to approach the seasonal shift with self-compassion. Emotions, like seasons, are ever-changing. By acknowledging, accepting, and implementing strategies to support emotional well-being, we can navigate the seasonal ebb and flow with resilience and grace.

Navigating the Maze: Understanding High Functioning Anxiety

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it manifests differently in each individual, there is an unofficial subtype often labeled as High Functioning Anxiety. So what is that exactly?

High functioning anxiety is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it's a term used to describe individuals who outwardly appear to have their lives together while silently battling persistent anxiety beneath the surface.

Some of the key characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety include:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in every aspect of their lives.

• Overthinking: Constant overthinking and ruminating about past events or future scenarios.

• Procrastination: Ironically, some individuals with high functioning anxiety may procrastinate tasks due to the fear of not meeting their own high standards.

• Constant Worry: Excessive worrying, even about trivial matters, is common as well.

• Difficulty Relaxing: People with high functioning anxiety may find it challenging to relax or "switch off," always feeling the need to be productive or busy.

• Physical Symptoms: While not always present, physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and gastrointestinal issues are common too.

So how is it different from typical anxiety? The main difference between high functioning anxiety and typical anxiety is the ability to maintain a presence of “normal”. High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed because individuals suffering from it have developed coping mechanisms to navigate daily life effectively. They may excel at work, maintain social relationships, and fulfill responsibilities, all while concealing their inner stress and anxiety. 

If you think you might suffer from this, here are some tips to help manage it better. 

• Self-awareness: Recognizing and accepting that you have high functioning anxiety is crucial. Understand that it's okay and often necessary to seek help and support.

• Therapy: A therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with anxiety symptoms as well as navigate some of the underlying causes for your anxiety.

• Medication: Medication prescribed by a healthcare professional may be necessary and very helpful to alleviate anxiety symptoms - usually in conjunction with talk therapy.

• Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and relaxation techniques as often as possible.

• Set realistic goals: Challenge the need for perfectionism and set achievable, reasonable goals for yourself. Practice self-compassion.

• Establish boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

• Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Often, simply talking about your anxiety can provide some relief.

Guiding Yourself: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

In the midst of life's hustle and bustle, finding moments of calm can feel like an elusive quest. I often find myself sitting with clients who are struggling to navigate stress and anxiety in their lives and are unsure of how to slow down. In those moments, I find it can be helpful to practice a mindfulness exercise together. One of my favorite mindfulness techniques is progressive muscle relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique based on the concept that physical tension and mental stress are closely connected. Developed by American physician Edmund Jacobson in the early 20th century, PMR aims to reduce both physical and mental stress by systematically tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body.

The theory behind PMR is rooted in the idea that when we consciously tense and then release muscle groups, we become more aware of the physical sensations associated with tension and relaxation. This heightened awareness allows us to recognize and differentiate between states of tension and relaxation more effectively. By repeatedly practicing PMR, we can learn to identify when we are holding tension in our bodies, even in day-to-day situations. Over time, PMR can lead to reduced muscle tension, decreased anxiety, improved sleep, and an overall sense of calm and well-being.

Step 1: Find a Quiet Space

Choose a peaceful environment where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position, and close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.

Step 2: Focus on Your Breath

Take a few slow, deep breaths to ground yourself. Inhale through your nose, feeling your lungs and belly expand, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, releasing any tension.

Step 3: Tense and Release

Begin with your toes. As you inhale, curl your toes tightly, feeling the tension in your foot. Hold for a few seconds, then exhale as you release the tension. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.

Step 4: Move Up the Body

Continue this process, moving progressively up your body. Focus on each muscle group for 5-10 seconds before releasing:

• Calves and shins

• Thighs

• Abdomen

• Chest and back

• Shoulders

• Arms and hands

• Neck and throat

• Face (forehead, eyes, cheeks, jaw)

Step 5: Embrace Sensations

As you work through each muscle group, pay attention to the sensations. Notice how tension feels different from relaxation. Notice the soothing sensation of letting go.

Step 6: Slowly Return

When you're ready, gently bring your awareness back to the present moment. Wiggle your fingers and toes, stretch your body, and open your eyes if they were closed.

There Is More When It Comes To Listening To Your Body

By Bree Minger, AMFT

Often, the phrase “listen to your body” makes one think of the body’s basic needs like hunger, thirst, and sleep. For all of those needs our bodies send us clues that tell us to grab an extra snack when we are hungry, drink a glass of water after a long walk, or head to bed a little earlier on days that just felt like too much. 

Outside of those needs, our bodies communicate other messages that are often more subtle and harder to notice. These messages are related to our emotions. They don’t just exist in our heads; emotions are held and experienced throughout our entire bodies. 

In fact, the body, through the nervous system, can inform us of our emotions before our brains can identify our feelings. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach and that is when you realize you’re nervous for a big presentation? Or have you noticed your heartbeat pick up when you are feeling lost in a place you’ve never been? What about that feeling of pins and needles on your arms as you think about having a hard conversation with a loved one? 

Each body experiences emotions differently based on past experiences, stories, or traumas. Some of these described sensations may feel familiar, and if some feel unfamiliar, you are not alone. Day to day, many people live in their head and ignore their bodily cues, sensations, discomfort, or pain. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, describes this as a muffling of one’s senses. Why may living in your head, and ignoring your body, be dangerous? A lack of connection between the brain and the rest of the body has the power to influence our interactions and relationships, as well as block the path to healing past traumas and difficulties. 

Wondering how to start listening more closely? 

1. Mindfulness is key. Paying attention to bodily sensations can allow one to more closely understand the waves of their emotions and therefore gain more control over them according to Van Der Kolk. A helpful meditation practice may begin with deep breathing or a body scan. 

2. Yoga can be an effective exercise to restore the brain and body connection. The combination of deep breathing, different postures and meditation has powerful effects. 

3. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy is an effective way to treat trauma. Different from talk therapy, EMDR allows access to memories and can be helpful to observe experiences from a different context of external stimulation, including eye movement, tapping, or other stimuli.  

Ultimately, the word “emotion” comes from the Latin word emovere or “to move out.” This tells us that healing from past traumas, both big “T” and little “t,” involves listening to our bodies and discovering the movement, rest, postures, mindfulness, and/or processing it requires. There is so much to learn about your body and how it informs who you are today. 

Curious to learn more or get started with a therapist? We have made this easy. Visit our website and fill out the intake form today.     

References: Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014. EMDR Institute, Inc. 

Intrusive Thoughts VS. Impulsive Thoughts

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I’m sure many of you have seen tiktoks, reals, and memes about letting your intrusive thoughts win. These videos or photos are often jokes about smashing a cake randomly, or kicking someone, or breaking a plate. They are meant to be harmless and funny videos about how sometimes, we don’t have full control over our thoughts. The power of social media has made this a commonly discussed topic, which is great - mostly. There is however a large, and very important difference between intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts. 

Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, distressing, and unwanted thoughts that pop into our minds involuntarily. They are often repetitive and difficult to control or dismiss. These thoughts can be disturbing, bizarre, or even violent in nature, and they can evoke feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame. It's essential to understand that having intrusive thoughts does not mean you want to act on them or that they define who you are as a person. An example of an intrusive thought might be, you're standing on the edge of a tall building, and the thought of jumping off unexpectedly crosses your mind.

Impulsive thoughts, on the other hand, refer to thoughts that arise suddenly and compel you to act without much consideration of the consequences. They can be linked to impulsive behaviors and actions, which are often done without careful planning or foresight. Impulsive thoughts can lead to impulsive decisions, and while they might not necessarily be distressing like intrusive thoughts, they can still have significant impacts on one's life, relationships, and well-being. An example of an impulsive thought might be, you're angry with someone, and an impulsive thought urges you to yell at them without thinking about the potential damage to the relationship.

It's important to remember that both intrusive and impulsive thoughts are part of the human experience, and they don't define who we are. If you find yourself struggling with either type of thought, seeking support from a therapist can be beneficial in understanding and managing them effectively.

Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?

By Anne Decore, lmft

All of us have or will face situations of ambiguous loss.

“Rarely is there absolute presence - or absence - in any human relationship” writes Pauline Boss, the leading expert on ambiguous loss, in her book “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss”.

Ambiguous loss is felt when physical presence and psychological presence don’t align.

The first type of ambiguous loss speaks to situations where a loved one is physically missing but kept psychologically present. War, terrorism, and natural disasters are catastrophic examples of this type of ambiguous loss. A child’s experience of a parent who leaves or is absent due to divorce, work relocation, family members emigrating, and incarceration are also examples of this kind of loss.

The second type of ambiguous loss is often described with the simplified language of “there but not there”. Dementia, Alzheimer’s, brain injury, addiction, depression: these are quite recognizable examples of a person being present but not psychologically available.

Psychologists now understand that the experience of this type of ambiguous loss emerges from common circumstances too (and feels no less profound):

a partner or parent always on their phone; a partner/parent relentlessly preoccupied with work; stepparent-child relationships; interactions with an ex-spouse because of co-parenting; lack of acceptance of one’s identity by family or community are just some examples.

In this type of loss, emotional processes freeze. Roles and statuses become confusing. People don’t know how to act.

All of us have or will face situations of ambiguous loss. It’s important to apply language to the process in order to make the invisible visible. I hope that by sharing this concept and the language of “ambiguous loss” it can become the first step to feeling seen, connecting with others, finding support, and growing resilience.

Reference: Boss, Pauline. Loss Trauma and Resilience. WW Norton & Company, 2006

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Summary/Review of The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov (and Edward M. Hallowell)

By Nicole marino AMFT

Recently, I had the privilege of reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I thought the book was well-written and incredibly helpful for marriages consisting of an ADHD and non-ADHD spouse. As a therapist, I found this book enlightening to how ADHD shows up in many relationships, and how it impacts both the ADHD spouse and the non-ADHD spouse. The book was broken down into three main parts: Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage, Rebuilding Your Relationship in Six Steps, and Worksheets/Tools. I am going to go through each part and give a brief summary of what you can expect when reading.

The first part went through the common symptoms of an ADHD diagnosis and how the symptoms present for both the ADHD and non-ADHD spouse. It is important to note that not every relationship has a non-ADHD spouse and an ADHD spouse, but for the purpose of the summary, this is the language and dynamic that was chosen to highlight. This part of the book, from my own experience, allowed me to have a better idea and understanding of what ADHD looks like and how to cultivate empathy for both partners in the relationship who may be suffering. This part went through and explained many statistics and research around ADHD’s impact to a marriage., and the different types of dynamics within a relationship. This part also highlights the rewards of rebuilding a marriage that has been affected by ADHD in a very encouraging, positive, and motivating way. This section goes through symptoms that the non-ADHD spouse may be experiencing and normalizes the impact by including real life examples posted from Melissa Orlov’s interactive blog: adhdmarriage.com.

The next part, and the main part of the book is broken down into six steps to take towards bettering the marriage/relationship. I am not going to fully go through what each section explains but will give a brief overview for reference. To learn more, I highly recommend reading the book to gain more insight, information, understanding, and tools!

1. Cultivating Empathy for Your Spouse: The first step is incredibly important, especially when it comes to healing past resentment. It is key to understand your partner and their experience in the marriage, whether that is the experience of the ADHD spouse or non-ADHD spouse. Being able to empathize with what both partners are going through is a main step towards feeling more connected and on the same page. This also helps when it comes to reactions and responses towards certain triggers or symptoms. Gaining empathy can slow those reactions down to be able to choose a different response to the symptom knowing what the other person is experiencing as well.

2. Addressing Obstacle Emotions: This section better highlights different emotions and responses to symptoms of ADHD specifically from the non-ADHD spouse. For example, anger was a common response to the ADHD struggles in a marriage. The author did a good job including examples to show how anger presents and how it impacts the ADHD spouse most likely on the receiving end of the anger (even though impulsive anger is also another symptom of ADHD). This step discusses how to let go of certain negative emotions/responses as they do nothing productive for the relationship and partner interactions.

3. Getting Treatment for You Both: This step discusses the importance of seeking treatment for both the ADHD spouse and non-ADHD spouse throughout the process of bettering the relationship. For the ADHD spouse, it is helpful to seek professional help to understand symptoms better and gain tools for symptom management. For the non-ADHD spouse, it is important to seek professional treatment to gain support and better coping techniques to manage reactions and emotions towards partner. This step also talks about the choice around medication.

4. Improving Communication: This part walks you through different techniques around having various conversations in a marriage and how it is vital to improve communication in order to improve connection. It is important to listen to one another, validate each other’s experiences, negotiate/compromise respectfully, and increase emotional safety for both partners. This step also goes into how gender plays a role in communication differences, and what to look out for.

5. Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voices: This section goes into personal boundaries, how to identify your own personal boundaries, and how to enforce personal boundaries. The author notes the importance of identifying which boundaries are most important for an individual and where your threshold is for each boundary. With this, you can better understand expectations for each other and what is realistic versus unrealistic to expect. The step then goes into processing how each spouse can respect their partner’s boundaries and create an action plan.

6. Reigniting Romance and Having Some Fun: This step discusses the importance of reintroducing romance and intimacy into your marriage, and how having fun together is a vital part of relationship success. It is important to try and get back to doing fun things together that you use to enjoy at the beginning of the relationship or trying new things together. Having new adventures brings you closer together and reignites that romantic spark and excitement.

The last brief part of the book is a reference chapter full of different tools, techniques, and tips for achieving the six steps. As you read each of the steps, there are different tips and tools specific to what the step’s goal is to help both partners improve on these skills and achieve overall betterment in the marriage/relationship. Not all the tools will be applicable for every person or marriage, depending on the specific struggles you are going through, but you can tailor your toolbox with whatever works best for you and your partner!

Overall, I found this book incredibly beneficial to read not only for my knowledge as a therapist and for my work with my couples/clients, but just to gain a better understanding of how ADHD presents in a person, and a relationship. As someone who has personal relationships with individuals diagnosed with ADHD, I have gained a different perspective on what they may go through every day and how their ADHD shows up for them in their personal relationships. For more information around the book, author, or ADHD in general, you can visit Melissa Orlov’s website at adhdmarriage.com (blog posts included there).