Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

Back to School Blues: Tips and Tricks for Helping Your Kids Study

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With school being a few months in now, kids are back to doing homework and studying. The transition back into work from the fun of the summer can be tough. It can be hard for kids to switch back into having to do homework and focus on lessons throughout the day. It is important to make sure your kids are having an effective and productive study time.

Here are some helpful tips for any parents struggling to get their kids to complete homework assignments or study for tests/quizzes:

Eliminate any distractions

• Kids can be distracted by things in their environment such as toys, tv, music, siblings, electronic devices, etc. so it is important to make sure they have a clean and clear study space where they can just focus on the tasks at hand. It is also a good idea for kids to have a specific space where they do their homework preferably not in the same space as where they like to relax or go to sleep. It can be helpful and more motivating for kids to have a space that they can associate with being focused and working.

Break things up into smaller tasks

• It can be very overwhelming to cram a lot of work or studying into one session or night so make sure to break up the work. Break large tasks or assignments into smaller ones. It can help kids feel more accomplished by completing each smaller task rather than getting discouraged by a large task that takes a long time.

Create a schedule

• Creating a homework/study schedule can give kids more structure to their after-school time. They know when to start their homework, and when they can have breaks, have dinner, go to sleep, etc. Having a schedule can also help keep them focused and on the task at hand.

Take breaks

• It is so helpful to take breaks when it comes to maintaining focus. When we get tired or distracted, it probably means it is time to take a break. Maybe that means taking a break after a specific amount of time has passed or when a certain homework assignment or task is completed. It can be an opportunity for kids to have a reset and some time to recharge before getting back to it.

Have snacks and water

• As discussed above with taking breaks, it is also important that kids are not hungry or parched during their homework or studying time. Having snacks and water before studying (or during breaks) can help with focus and energy levels. Making sure kids are getting enough hours of sleep each night also helps with focus and energy.

Motivate and help when needed

• Parents are obviously a big factor when it comes to implementing productive study habits. Kids need help with encouragement and positive reinforcement from parents to help motivate them to maintain their hard work and habits. If kids are struggling, try to stay patient when it comes to helping them, or finding a tutor or teacher than can better guide them on how to solve the problems.

It is not always easy to get kids to study or do their homework, but it is important for parents to stay diligent and consistent with implementing these habits and tips. The more they do these tricks, the more natural it will become for them to continue doing them after school each day.

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.