Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

The Five Languages of Apology

By Jessy westin, amft

Did you know that there are different ways to apologize? What one person considers an apology is not always what another person considers to be an apology. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of The Five Languages of Apology, identify five distinct types of apologies. When we feel hurt, we may differ in what exactly we are looking for to feel the most heard and seen by the one trying to make amends. Identifying your apology language and your partner’s apology language can help you better understand each other and provide a path toward a healing relationship.

Types of apology languages:

1. Expressing Regret - “I am sorry.”

Expressing regret focuses on the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person what specifically you are sorry about and demonstrating that you truly understand how hurtful your actions were.

● “I am truly sorry for losing my temper and yelling at you. I know that I hurt you very deeply.”

● “I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

2. Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.”

Accepting responsibility means being willing to admit that you were wrong and recognizing the mistakes made. It can be challenging to admit to our mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain for someone else. However, for some individuals, hearing someone accept responsibility for their wrongdoing is the most important part of an apology.

● “I was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.”

● “I take full responsibility. I know that it was my fault.”

3. Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

For some individuals, hearing ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ may not always be enough. This apology focuses on finding a way to make things right. If you are the one hurt, you are looking for that “next step” and that reassurance that it will not happen again.

● “How can I make this up to you?

● “What can I do that would make this right between us?”

4. Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Expressing your desire to change is communicating not only that you regret what you did, but also that your desire is to not do it again. It may be difficult for someone to forgive if they see the same action being done again and again. This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will change their behavior in future similar situations.

● “I regret what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Can we talk about how to avoid it next time?”

● “Can we put together a plan that will help me to stop doing this?”

5. Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness gives the other the space to decide if they would like to forgive you. It is meaningful that the forgiveness was requested, not demanded.

● Can you please forgive me for what I did?”

● “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you will forgive me.”

Questions to consider in identifying your apology language:

● What do I want the person to say or do to help make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them?

● What hurts most deeply about the situation?

● Which language is most important (or do I usually use) when I apologize?

References

Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. M. (2008). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Moody Publishers.

Goop. What it takes to give (and receive) a good apology.

The Importance of Play

By Anne decore, lmft

In today’s world one need not look far to find stressors. On a global level we are facing environmental threats, a war in the Ukraine that approaches the one-year mark, financial market uncertainty, and a globe still trying to understand how the meaning of health and illness have been reshaped by the recent pandemic.

The pause from work and school for the winter holidays can be a time of great connection and gratitude and joy. It can also heighten emotions of anxiety, grief, and intensify family conflict. When our own personal individual contexts and stressors intersect with the shared global stressors it can feel overwhelming. It’s normal to feel depleted and burnt out at the beginning of a new year.

As a response to this overwhelm many people begin January with pledges and resolutions - issuing themselves rigid new behavioral goals. I feel such compassion for this reasonable desire to gain a sense of control and order in a world that feels out of control. The problem with the over-emphasis on resolutions is that we become outcome-focused and then when we fail to meet our goals we feel a sense of failure, followed by a lack of motivation and that familiar feeling of burn-out. When we are outcome-focused, we are assessment-focused (did I do good enough?), and we are future or past-focused, not present-focused. The outcome-focused brain state has us teetering on the edge of activating our fight or flight system.

I want to offer a different intervention this January – play.

Mammals are hard-wired for play. Humans are no exception. Play is good for our mental health because it’s about the experience: process for process’s sake. Anything that gets us INTO an experience and OUT OF outcome-focus thinking is therapeutic for the nervous system and for relationships. So why do we abandon play as we age into adults? One answer is that our society values productivity and play is not productive. It is not measurable.

But our kids can remind us of its value. Play activates imagination, creativity, team-work, belonging, wonder, and humor. Often play involves learning new skills or problem solving. Sometimes it’s just outright tomfoolery and mischief. Play connects us to our physical body and to the flow state – getting lost in the present moment. Play helps us let go of the things we can’t control. Like grey winter weather. Play allows us to transcend boundaries that exist in the practical world. Play is always available to us and it’s usually low-cost.

So what do I mean in practical terms? Jenga. A trampoline park. Puzzles. Lego. Game nights with friends (charades, trivia, board games). Wild dancing to music. Card games. Twister. Bowling. Turn your kitchen into a restaurant and give everyone a part. Set up a bean bag toss. Make costumes. Play is a word with millions of interpretations. Invite silliness. Invite invention. Invite peace. And leave your phone in another room. Don’t let a notification or the pressure to post take you away from the gift of the here and now.

Play doesn’t replace worrying about the world or about the personal challenges we are weathering. It does gives us a respite from the worrying and restores our bodies and minds so that we feel more grounded and able to face the messy parts of our lives.

Healing Isn’t Linear

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

With the start of the new year I think there is often this pressure for people to reflect on what they did in the past year and how they want to be “better.” Now there isn’t anything inherently wrong with reflection and wanting to grow, in fact it’s a wonderful aspiration to have. I think sometimes though it doesn’t leave room for the idea that many things in life take more than a year to heal, process and move on from. And even when it is healed, there will always be difficult days or moments of struggle because healing isn’t a linear process.

Let's use asthma as a metaphor here. Typically, asthma is worse in the winter because the dry air can irritate the airways. Now in the summer someone’s asthma will still exist but perhaps isn’t as severe. Similarly, if someone with asthma is working out that could cause a flare up more than sitting on the couch. Now if we think about mental health this way, I think there is a lot more flexibility in the space and grace we can give ourselves to heal.

With trauma and mental health in general, there will be seasons of life where something is more triggering than other times in life. Let’s say for example someone has mostly processed a childhood trauma experience, but they get into a new relationship and their new partner does something that brings up feelings related to their initial trauma. There will be moments that people don’t feel fully healed anymore from that. It doesn’t undo all the work they’ve done, but it really drives home the point that healing isn’t linear. It is OKAY to have time periods that are more difficult than others. There are so many factors that contribute to having bad mental health, so next time you want to be mean to yourself practice reminding your brain that healing isn’t linear and bad days are all a part of the process.

Growing Your Self Awareness

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

This poem is a beautiful representation of how we grow and change. It acknowledges our pull to the familiar; we are patterned beings, the longer we’ve done something a certain way (manage conflict, date, etc.) the harder it feels to show up differently. And, good news, it’s also very possible to show up differently.

The path to growing our self awareness is winding and not linear. It’s common to have moments where you break harmful patterns and then moments of sticking to them. Just because you fall back into a pattern doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. It means that is a big pull for you that you will need to watch and take care of.

As we are confronted with our patterns, we build awareness of what we are doing. And we must give ourselves compassion in choosing the familiar path even when we see the alternatives. I have deep respect for where old patterns come from and how they’ve benefited us. At some point, your old pattern most likely served, protected, or helped you survive.

Too much compassion, however, can leave you stuck, so we must be accountable for our behavior. We must commit to building awareness of our patterns, find choice points, and do the newer, harder thing. When we deepen our self awareness, we must hold compassion AND accountability tightly.

The Both/And Perspective

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

What is the both/and perspective? It’s the ability to hold seemingly opposing ideas or many concepts at once. It can feel unnatural to think this way. Our brains like a clear story (as Brené Brown discusses in her talk: The Call to Courage). We like to know what’s good or bad and what’s right or wrong (Restrepo, 2019). This creates a false sense of reality because it’s not the full story. Our human experiences are far more complex. In my work as a therapist, I’ve witnessed heartbreak in the same moment as deep connection, and I’ve seen moments of anger alongside compassion. It’s more accurate to hold the both/and perspective, and it’s far more connecting.

Think of areas in your life where the temptation to categorize in an either/or way come up for you. Some obvious examples are politics, friendships, and how we reflect on our days. If we disagree with someone’s political views, we are quick to categorize them as bad people when perhaps they are well-meaning people who have hard views (this is particularly challenging to shift into today). If you are hurt by a close friend, you may be quick to label them as careless and hurtful, when perhaps they did hurt you and are also a loving and loyal presence in your life. If you made a mistake at work and have a difficult day, you may characterize the day as disastrous. Consider, however, in the same day, good moments where your coworkers rallied around you, your boss showed compassion, and other moments where you had small successes. It’s more accurate to say you had a hard day AND good moments peppered into it.

If you find yourself using an either/or mindset, attempt to pause and challenge yourself. Is this person wholly evil? Was my day all bad? Shifting into the both/and perspective opens the door for connection, understanding, and compassion towards your experiences and people in your life. You can honor your true experience and make space for more information in the story.

Below are some areas I suggest practicing your both/and lens.

- Politics

- Holiday experiences

- Moments with family or friends

- Work days

- Reflection on past romantic partnerships

- Race (For all – especially multiracial people. See this talk for more perspective and information.)

- Gender (see the genderbread person for more information)

Resources:

Killerman, S. (2017). Breaking through the binary: gender explained using continuums. Retrieved from: https://www.genderbread.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Breaking-through-the-Binary-by-Sam-Killermann.pdf

Meraji, S., & Demby, G. (2017, June). Racial imposter syndrome. Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/06/08/462395722/racial-impostor-syndrome-here-are-your-stories

Restrepo, Sandra. (2019). The Call to Courage. United States: Netflix