The Last Taboo: Couples and Money

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Social media has broken down the walls around previously taboo subjects such as sex and politics. But talking about money is the last taboo. Friends, family members, and partners in intimate relationships will talk about anything else to avoid disclosures about what’s in their bank account or how much they earn. And yet, couples fight more about money than anything else. Here are just three examples of those chronic triggers: To what degree do earnings dictate power in the household? What are the differences between transparency, privacy, and secrecy? Do we merge our money or keep it separate? How do we plan for retirement?

Money is said to be the leading cause of divorce. So what is the sequence of dysfunction?

Discord about finances → financial strain → marital strain → decreased relationship satisfaction → decreased relationship stability → increased likelihood of divorce.

Studies confirm that in the area of money, it holds true that opposites attract. One tends to spend and one tends to save. We enter into a partnership with someone who has a constitutionally different orientation toward money and we enter that partnership with zero practice talking about that difference.

Therapists know that a person’s yearnings, fears, vulnerabilities, values, and hopes are all wrapped up in money. And most of these money beliefs and values are formed in childhood. When a couple enters therapy with financial discord, often, the first thing a therapist will do is create a financial genogram with them. This diagram tells the intergenerational history of money beliefs and values in each partner’s family. Learning about each other’s money stories helps expand understanding, curiosity, and empathy which tend to promote new pathways for choice, healing, and teamwork.

Here are some questions that couples can use on their own to prompt open conversations:

- What did you love about your parent’s relationship to money?

- What are some things about your parent’s relationship you want to leave in the past?

- What’s your first money memory?

A recent development in the field of marriage and family therapy is the appreciation for how profound financial discord can be on the health of relationships. This has led to an emerging niche within our industry: Financial Therapy. Financial therapists help couples connect the past to the present, emotions to behavior, and see how each one may be contributing to a dysfunctional cycle. These therapists are trained to understand the financial housekeeping practices that produce best outcomes and they are able to guide clients toward adopting these healthy habits.

To learn more about connecting with a Financial Therapist you can start by asking for a referral from a therapist you currently work with or use this database:

References:

1. David J. Mumford & Gerald R. Weeks (2003) The Money Genogram, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14:3, 33-44, DOI: 10.1300/J085v14n03_03

2. AAMFT Podcast

3 Common Problematic Communication Patterns.

By Rachel D. Miller, LMFT

How we communicate our wants and needs, love and appreciation, concerns and criticisms strengthen or erode the foundation of our relationships. The most helpful communication aligns our words with our body language, thoughts, and feelings. When these things aren’t congruent, we risk sending mixed messages leaving our relationships vulnerable to conflict, misunderstandings and disconnection.

Effective communication in addition to being congruent also considers self, others, the larger context, and the relationship involved. Failing to take these into consideration often manifest as the below unhelpful communication patterns.

1) Blaming

Pointing a finger in accusation while feeling direct, useful, and even vindicating, in the moment, rarely leads to the change we are seeking. Blaming is identifiable by the frequent use of the word “you.” What is missing in blaming conversations is acknowledgement of any larger context at play and self-reflection. Thoughts, feelings, words, and body language might be aligned when we’re angry and blaming, but if we focus solely on the behaviors or attributes of the other person, we’ll likely be met with defensiveness, stonewalling, or counter attacks.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, I encourage you to get curious about what need or ask you might have under the blame. Take some time to consider the larger context around the situation and get curious about how it might be impacting things. I statements and focusing on your feelings, needs, and asks can keep defenses down, communication moving, and maybe get you closer to what you’re wanting. If the relationship is one that is important to you, ask for what you need in a way the other person is most likely able to give it to you. Remember, you’re on the same team.

2) Listening to respond instead of listening to understand

Too often when we listen to complaints, criticisms, or requests to change we immediately begin crafting a defense. When I see this happen in the therapy room arguing people are rarely arguing about what they think they’re arguing about. Typically, the listener missed the point the speaker was making because they were too busy figuring out all the reasons the speaker was wrong in their assessment of the situation or of them.

I urge clients in that moment to pause and take a deep breath. Then I inquire around what they believe the speaker said that is hitting a little too close to an uncomfortable truth for them. If it isn’t that, then I get curious about the story they are telling themselves about what they think the speaker means. Once the story is revealed we often discover it is a far cry from the speaker’s meaning and words.

If you recognize this pattern as something you do, there is a tool you might find helpful called Speaker/listener. You can read more about it here. Remember, if you notice yourself reacting to what you think someone said, curiosity can slow down the process and reduce reactivity. Ask questions; make sure you understand before you respond. Remember even common words can mean different things to different people in differing contexts. Which brings us to our third problematic pattern.

3) Assuming

When I work with people in therapy, I remind them often that how they define a word or concept may not be the way the person they’re communicating does. When your partner says that they are “close” with their family, you might assume that you know what that looks like for them, but the word “close” can mean everything from “my family and I did a lot of activities together when I was growing up” to “I talk to my mother twice a day.” We have to continually check in with people about how they are defining words and concepts rather than assume that what it means for you, is what it means for them. As my kids used to say to me, “Don’t assume, Mom. When you do you make an ass of u and me.”

If you find yourself assuming, as most of us will, I encourage you to shift to assuming you don’t know, assuming you can never fully understand someone else’s experience, and assuming the best of intentions from those you are in relationship with. Before responding, clarify meaning. Ask questions that can provide insight and empathy into what the other is experiencing.

It is impossible to be in relationships and be vulnerable without occasionally hurting someone or being hurt. What matters most is that we take accountability, apologize when necessary, be generous in our interpretations of the intentions of others, and attempt to make repairs when and where we can. Even the best communicators will screw up. Perfection is not the goal here. Commitment to practice and growth is all we can ask of ourselves and each other.

Love Languages

By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

We all give and receive love in different ways. However, many of us believe that once we’ve fallen in love and have partnered, we assume we’ve already mastered the ways to our partner’s heart. That, of course, may be true for some - yet, I sit with couples every week and continue to see the same dynamic in which both partners feel they are showing love, but neither of them feel themselves to be the recipient of that love. Both are trying, in their own way, and both are falling short.

Gary Chapman’s theory and approach to Love Languages tends to be a great entry point into this conversation, and one of the simplest ways to address the disconnect these couples are experiencing. His book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, helps to explain the importance of speaking and understanding your partner’s love language and vice versa. After years of clinical experience, he formulated five ways in which people tend to feel loved.

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Physical Touch

5. Gifts

Words of Affirmation

“Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.” (5LoveLanguages)

Quality Time

“In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.” - (5LoveLanguages)

Acts of Service

“Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.” (5LoveLanguages)

Physical Touch

“This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.” (5LoveLanguages)

Gifts

“Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.” (5LoveLanguages)

How do you use Love Languages?

We tend to rank one or two of these languages highest - which is a great indicator that these are our primary and secondary love languages. Within each of these ‘languages' there is a wide spectrum; Chapman describes it as having multiple dialects through which we express affection. This allows us to become creative in how we can show our partner love.

I tend to have my clients each take the quiz, (provided for free online) and first examine their own results. As with any online quiz - it is not perfect and sometimes the questions can feel a little black and white, BUT it does begin to help you think about what does feel good for me? What is meaningful and why? A little curiosity can go a long way; many of my clients have explored the ‘why’ behind their primary and secondary love languages and have realized that much of it comes from their families of origin, or what was deeply lacking in prior intimate relationships. (For example, someone whose primary love language is Quality Time may have grown up in a home where their parents were always busy, and they desperately wanted undivided quality time, OR, perhaps that was the primary way their parents showed them love and care, so that has become the clear sign and pathway to feeling loved.)

Then - after each member of the couple has their individual results (and some insight and understanding around them), I invite a conversation of sharing. Partner X, can you share your results and insights with your partner, and give examples that would be helpful. Partner Y, can you listen, reflect back what you are hearing, and ask your partner how you can become an expert in their language. (Remember, you can have the same primary love language as your partner, but a different dialect -- this means, physical touch might be important to both of you but sexual intercourse might be the most meaningful way to connect for one partner, and holding hands in public might be more important for the other. So, better to ask than assume!) And then, switch! Partner Y will share their results and insights, and Partner X will listen, reflect and probe for examples.

In my experience, the most important part of this entire process is follow through. Especially after this exercise, keep your ears and eyes open for the ways in which your partner is trying to use your love language. If your love language is Acts of Service, and you see that your partner filled up the car with gas - thank them. If physical touch is your language and your partner offered to give you a foot massage after a long day, or you’ve noticed them initiate more physical intimacy between you - tell them you appreciate them and their efforts to show you love.

As with any new habit or practice, we are far more likely to continue doing something (that may not be comfortable or ‘natural’ for us), if we see the positive impact of our actions. This practice can become an incredibly rewarding positive feedback loop of love, or it can stop after one attempt. The difference between those outcomes is vocal acknowledgment of your partner’s efforts and words of appreciation (even if they don’t hit the nail on the head on the very first go.) Even better, if you swiftly reciprocate by practicing their love language.

Five Benefits to Premarital Counseling

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

You’re engaged! Congrats! Looking at your ever-growing list of wedding planning tasks, take a moment to consider adding premarital counseling to the top. Here are five benefits to completing premarital counseling with your partner before saying “I do.”

1.     Identifying potential future problem areas

Premarital counseling delves into topics most couples don’t usually think too much about before tying the knot. Questions such as, “How much input do you want from your in-laws about raising your kids?”, “Do you view debt as a shared or separate responsibility?”, “What feels fair for division of household chores?”, “How much time do you each need alone versus together?”, allow couples to begin talking about their differences, and potential areas of disagreement. Talking about how you’re going to handle your finances now, before you are fighting about how the money is being spent, allows for greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings. The more information you have about potential problem areas, the more proactive you and your partner can be about managing them.

2.     Improving communication in the now

Premarital counseling is an great opportunity to address any communication issues you and your partner have now, before they become set in stone and more difficult to change later. Learning how to share your emotions, listen to your partner, take accountability, and ask for your needs are difficult things to do. Premarital counseling provides tools to do so more effectively without blaming and hurting the other person.

3.     Setting up relationship expectations

We all have expectations about relationships and about marriage. Unfortunately, we often don’t know what those expectations were until they are not met. Talking openly about your expectations in premarital counseling allows for you and your partner to co-create your marriage expectations together and establish a shared sense of understanding and commitment.

4.     Discussing short and long term goals

Planning the future with your partner needs to go a few steps further than just the wedding. Premarital counseling provides the space to discuss both short and long term goals, making ideas about the future more concrete and tangible. It also provides an opportunity to discuss ways to reach those goals and move forward as a team.

5.     Learning new things about each other

Amazingly, there is always more to learn about your partner. Premarital counseling provides a unique opportunity for you and your partner to learn and grow together. It cultivates curiosity and a sense of adventure, establishing a positive foundation for you and your partner to embark from.