Not Your Typical Date Night

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Date nights have always seemed to be such a huge topic discussed for couples when it comes to connecting with one another and spending quality time. I discuss this with my clients all the time and think it is so incredibly important! But I also think there is a misconception that date “nights” need to be dinner and a movie or dinner and drinks, or something having to do with spending money. Sure, that is one way of going about having dates, but it doesn’t always have to be at night, and it doesn’t always have to cost money.

I completely understand that for those who go into the office and work a 9am-5pm job that your schedule is a bit less flexible. You can still come home and spend some time before bed at least once a week with your partner. I also think many couples (specifically those who do work at home) think that living together and being around one another is spending time, but there is a difference between that and spending quality time where you are interacting and sharing an experience.

There are so many free post work activities you can do with a partner such as cooking dinner together, going for a walk, exploring a new area of your town that you don’t usually go to, playing a card/board game, having a movie night in the living room, using the free Gottman Card Decks app and asking each other questions, going to a museum, doing an at-home workout together, and many more! Those are just a few options that don’t cost any money and don’t really take too much time. I understand after work, you might be exhausted and not in the mood to do much, but even doing one of these dates once a week can make such a difference feeling connected and in tune with one another.

For those of you that have more flexibility in your schedule throughout the day and don’t necessarily have a 9-5 job, you can still implement these dates at different times in the day, such as sitting down and having coffee or breakfast together, going for a walk, doing a workout, having a picnic in a different area or even your yard, etc. The book “8 Dates” by John and Julie Gottman is another cheap way to have meaningful and intention dates with your partner, and you’re reading something together as well.

Sometimes you must prioritize one another and find a time that works in your everyday routines. Especially those partners that crave quality time as their love language, this is a need that has to be met to feel loved, cared about, connected, and  listened to, so work as a team to find the time that is best. That may be different given the week, but that’s okay. Be creative! Find activities that the two of you really enjoy together whether that costs money or not but remember if you are trying to save money and are on a budget, dates do not have to be an added expense to worry about. There are so many free options and fun things you can do, especially when trying to take advantage of the weather while it is nice out!

Love Languages: A Give and Take with Couples

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

In my experience working with couples (and individuals), the importance on love languages is very prevalent. I see it similarly to the idea of showing support. We all have our natural ways of wanting to show support given how we know we want to receive support. But when the other person doesn’t need or want to be shown support in that way, they may feel the other person doesn’t care to fulfill their needs for support accurately. The same thing goes for love languages and the way we want to receive love.

We will be talking about the five original love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. It is important to keep in mind that there may be differences in your love languages based on how you want to receive love and the way you want to show love. I find this distinction very relevant for couples work because it can take extra effort to shift your focus of showing love if the way your partner wants to receive love is different than how you naturally show love. I always tell couples that if this is the case, it doesn’t mean you can never give your partner gifts if that is how you express love; it just means that you also must make a conscious decision to put effort forth to give your partner words of affirmation if that is the way they need to receive love. Another thing to note is that many people do not just fall into one category for love languages but may be a mix of a few or have a certain priority list for which they prefer/need the most.

Words of Affirmation: A partner desires being shown love or giving love through verbal connection and affirmations. This can be as simple as an “I love you” in the morning, a sweet post-it note on the mirror, showing appreciation and acknowledgement for their efforts around the house, or even a handwritten love letter. Someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs emotional intimacy through words and hearing that a partner cares and loves them.

Acts of Service: A partner desires to be shown love when their partner is physically helpful and partakes in certain tasks, so the other person does not have to. This can be concrete tasks such as the dishes, laundry, cleaning the snow off the car, picking them up from the airport after a trip, or making dinner. It can also be smaller things such as putting toothpaste on a partner’s toothbrush in the morning, filling up their water bottle, starting the shower for them, etc. When living with a partner, there are many options of tasks around the home that can be done to show acts of service especially knowing a partner’s everyday routine.

Gifts: People who love gifts or gift-giving don’t always view this is as some grand gesture. Often, it is the little things that can make a partner feel special such as picking up their favorite meal from the grocery store, bringing back something they were running low on, their favorite sweet treat, flowers, and anything that made you think of them. A person with gifts as their love language just wants a partner to show they love them by thinking of them in little (or big) ways in the form of a physical item. To know their partner went somewhere and thought of them makes all the difference.

Quality Time: A person who needs to be shown love through quality time just wants to physically and mentally be present with a partner. They thrive from doing activities with a partner even activities like running errands, driving around, playing a game, going on a walk, going on a date somewhere, etc. It is so important to keep in mind that quality time is different than just passive time together such as living together and going about your routines and watching a show or movie. A partner who desires quality time wants the quality in it. Maybe try putting phones away and just enjoying each other’s company one on one.

Physical Touch: A person or partner who needs physical touch to be shown love doesn’t always want the touch to be sexual, even though that is part of it. Physical touch can be as innocent as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They feel most loved through someone physically expressing it to them and feeling a partner wanting to be close to them.

Now that we have gone over the five original love languages, it is important to figure out which love languages you gravitate the most towards whether that be one main way of showing and receiving love, or a mix of a few. It is also essential to understand the way your partner gives and wants to receive love. Like stated before, you can still show a partner love in the way that is natural and feels good for you to do so, but it is necessary to also learn their love languages to understand how you can show them love and when they are also showing you love in their natural way. It is a way to better understand each other and recognize when your partner is expressing their care and appreciation. There are many love languages quizzes and books to learn more such as: 5lovelanguages.com and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Let’s Talk about Gender Roles in Marriage

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The gender beliefs, attributions, and norms that we come to hold as individuals show up in the ways we structure our households and define our partner roles. Gender considerations tend to be at play, explicitly or implicitly, in the distribution of household labor and childcare, in career negotiations, in spousal spending power and in sexual satisfaction.

While some people hold firm, fixed beliefs on gender, others revisit and revise their beliefs across the life course. To be sure, a person’s ideology at any given point in time is a product of layer upon layer of influence: family, religion, culture, biology, and government to name a few. An important function of couples therapy is to unearth, to the level of consciousness, the ways that our attitudes toward gender and our gender role expectations in relationships have been informed by childhood conditioning and various social influences. This process leads partners to have a greater sense of agency over how they want roles to be assigned and responsibilities allocated. When couples avoid talking about these hidden forces, partners often slide into roles which are at odds with their beliefs (i.e. a progressive-minded individual finds themselves in a traditional role, or vice versa). Research has shown that the dissonance that one experiences when beliefs/values do not align with behavior often leads to both psychological and relational distress. The therapy process can help couples arrive at an explicit agreement about the kind of roles they want in their relationship or marriage.

Outlined below are the 3 most common models of marriage (among heterosexual couples). Use this as a framework to open discussion. It may help identify your current situation or clarify desired goals. (Note, these are generalized buckets; every couple is distinct and nuanced!) From Hamburg, S. R. (2001). Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

Traditional marriage: Husband earns the money and wife takes care of household and kids. They occupy “separate spheres”. Male-identity closely tied to provider status. Big difference in power between husband and wife. In this model, there is a clear definition of roles.

Egalitarian marriage: Both spouses view their respective income as collective and household responsibilities as shared. Couples view each other’s jobs as equal and necessary (regardless of income differentials) and earnings as “ours”. If there are kids, neither partner is automatically the primary caretaker. Both partners make whatever changes are necessary to work schedules/commitments to accommodate the kids needs. Requires coordination and negotiation as roles are not fixed.

Nontraditional marriage: Somewhere between traditional and egalitarian. Both partners work outside the home but the defining feature is the wife has the primary responsibility for the children. Husband helps with housework, but it is wife’s responsibility to “manage” it. For example, he may do the grocery shopping but she plans the meals, makes the list, and reminds him to go. More equal power balance but traditional role of mother as primary childcare provider is preserved. Can lead wife to experience a disproportionate feeling of a “second shift”.

Below are some questions to use as a starting template at home or with your therapist to explore how attitudes toward gender show up in relationships:

• How do you both negotiate the distribution of household management and labor? Are these decisions based on skills and interests? Are the decisions are based on relative earnings? On time availability?

• When one partner earns and the other does not (or makes less) what are the ways marital power is tied to income?

• Are rewards and demands fairly distributed in your marital relationship?

• Is unpaid work by a stay-at-home partner valued the same/differently than the way paid work is?

• Is there a balance between decision-making (i.e. scheduling travel for the holidays) and labor (packing the bags)?

• What is the load of invisible work (worrying, planning, processing) that each partner carries?

• In “post-gender” couples with egalitarian ideals, what factors determine who does what and how did you come to agree on these factors?

• What is each partners level of motivation to align on a “model” for their relationship?

• How similar or dissimilar are your current roles compared to what you witnessed in your parents’ roles growing up?

• What (if any) sources of pressure make you feel that you should conform to certain roles?

• Are there certain areas of labor distribution that are chronic sources of inflammation? (i.e. walking the dog. What have you tried to reduce conflict and what are some possible alternatives?

Role Reversal Exercise (Source: Prepare/Enrich): Plan a day or week when you can perform each other’s household responsibilities/schedule. This role reversal experiment will help you gain insight around each other’s responsibilities/routine and promote perspective turn-taking.

Conversations about the role of gender within relationships and households can be uneasy. Yet, leaning into the discomfort is likely to have a big payoff:  the process of listening to understand your partner and the process of collaborating on the household structure creates a vital sense of “we-ness” in the couple. It also promotes a sense of living out one’s values within the individual.

Back From the Honeymoon.....Now What?

By Karen Focht, LMFT

There is so much time and energy that goes into planning a wedding.  Although this process can be stressful, it also comes with feelings of excitement and exhilaration.  After all of those countless hours of planning your big day comes and goes in a matter of moments! 

Through both my personal and professional experience over the years, I have seen the joyful heightened state of a couple experiencing their wedding and honeymoon, and then the quick jolt back into the reality of day to day life.  How do we keep that sweet honeymoon glow as we transition back to life as a now married couple?  Here are a few tips to consider.

1.     Tap into new interests:  Make a list with your partner to identify new interests to peruse together as a couple.  This could include a class on cooking, knife skills or improve, just to name a few.

2.     Get connected to other strong couples:  Creating a positive support network which includes other couples can strengthen your relationship’s foundation and offer additional support through challenging times that may come up in the future. 

3.    Explore your city:  Create time out of the ordinary with one another.  Visit a museum, check out a new hotspot, or spend time outdoors in your neighborhood. 

4.     Check In:  Carve out intentional time each week to sit down and connect around your relationship.  What are your strengths as a couple?  What are the challenges you face and how can you work together to improve upon these challenges?

5.     Seek additional support:  Therapy is not only important through the challenging times, but can also be tremendously helpful to continue to strengthen relationships while they flourish.