Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Let’s Talk about Gender Roles in Marriage

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The gender beliefs, attributions, and norms that we come to hold as individuals show up in the ways we structure our households and define our partner roles. Gender considerations tend to be at play, explicitly or implicitly, in the distribution of household labor and childcare, in career negotiations, in spousal spending power and in sexual satisfaction.

While some people hold firm, fixed beliefs on gender, others revisit and revise their beliefs across the life course. To be sure, a person’s ideology at any given point in time is a product of layer upon layer of influence: family, religion, culture, biology, and government to name a few. An important function of couples therapy is to unearth, to the level of consciousness, the ways that our attitudes toward gender and our gender role expectations in relationships have been informed by childhood conditioning and various social influences. This process leads partners to have a greater sense of agency over how they want roles to be assigned and responsibilities allocated. When couples avoid talking about these hidden forces, partners often slide into roles which are at odds with their beliefs (i.e. a progressive-minded individual finds themselves in a traditional role, or vice versa). Research has shown that the dissonance that one experiences when beliefs/values do not align with behavior often leads to both psychological and relational distress. The therapy process can help couples arrive at an explicit agreement about the kind of roles they want in their relationship or marriage.

Outlined below are the 3 most common models of marriage (among heterosexual couples). Use this as a framework to open discussion. It may help identify your current situation or clarify desired goals. (Note, these are generalized buckets; every couple is distinct and nuanced!) From Hamburg, S. R. (2001). Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

Traditional marriage: Husband earns the money and wife takes care of household and kids. They occupy “separate spheres”. Male-identity closely tied to provider status. Big difference in power between husband and wife. In this model, there is a clear definition of roles.

Egalitarian marriage: Both spouses view their respective income as collective and household responsibilities as shared. Couples view each other’s jobs as equal and necessary (regardless of income differentials) and earnings as “ours”. If there are kids, neither partner is automatically the primary caretaker. Both partners make whatever changes are necessary to work schedules/commitments to accommodate the kids needs. Requires coordination and negotiation as roles are not fixed.

Nontraditional marriage: Somewhere between traditional and egalitarian. Both partners work outside the home but the defining feature is the wife has the primary responsibility for the children. Husband helps with housework, but it is wife’s responsibility to “manage” it. For example, he may do the grocery shopping but she plans the meals, makes the list, and reminds him to go. More equal power balance but traditional role of mother as primary childcare provider is preserved. Can lead wife to experience a disproportionate feeling of a “second shift”.

Below are some questions to use as a starting template at home or with your therapist to explore how attitudes toward gender show up in relationships:

• How do you both negotiate the distribution of household management and labor? Are these decisions based on skills and interests? Are the decisions are based on relative earnings? On time availability?

• When one partner earns and the other does not (or makes less) what are the ways marital power is tied to income?

• Are rewards and demands fairly distributed in your marital relationship?

• Is unpaid work by a stay-at-home partner valued the same/differently than the way paid work is?

• Is there a balance between decision-making (i.e. scheduling travel for the holidays) and labor (packing the bags)?

• What is the load of invisible work (worrying, planning, processing) that each partner carries?

• In “post-gender” couples with egalitarian ideals, what factors determine who does what and how did you come to agree on these factors?

• What is each partners level of motivation to align on a “model” for their relationship?

• How similar or dissimilar are your current roles compared to what you witnessed in your parents’ roles growing up?

• What (if any) sources of pressure make you feel that you should conform to certain roles?

• Are there certain areas of labor distribution that are chronic sources of inflammation? (i.e. walking the dog. What have you tried to reduce conflict and what are some possible alternatives?

Role Reversal Exercise (Source: Prepare/Enrich): Plan a day or week when you can perform each other’s household responsibilities/schedule. This role reversal experiment will help you gain insight around each other’s responsibilities/routine and promote perspective turn-taking.

Conversations about the role of gender within relationships and households can be uneasy. Yet, leaning into the discomfort is likely to have a big payoff:  the process of listening to understand your partner and the process of collaborating on the household structure creates a vital sense of “we-ness” in the couple. It also promotes a sense of living out one’s values within the individual.