3 Common Problematic Communication Patterns.

By Rachel D. Miller, LMFT

How we communicate our wants and needs, love and appreciation, concerns and criticisms strengthen or erode the foundation of our relationships. The most helpful communication aligns our words with our body language, thoughts, and feelings. When these things aren’t congruent, we risk sending mixed messages leaving our relationships vulnerable to conflict, misunderstandings and disconnection.

Effective communication in addition to being congruent also considers self, others, the larger context, and the relationship involved. Failing to take these into consideration often manifest as the below unhelpful communication patterns.

1) Blaming

Pointing a finger in accusation while feeling direct, useful, and even vindicating, in the moment, rarely leads to the change we are seeking. Blaming is identifiable by the frequent use of the word “you.” What is missing in blaming conversations is acknowledgement of any larger context at play and self-reflection. Thoughts, feelings, words, and body language might be aligned when we’re angry and blaming, but if we focus solely on the behaviors or attributes of the other person, we’ll likely be met with defensiveness, stonewalling, or counter attacks.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, I encourage you to get curious about what need or ask you might have under the blame. Take some time to consider the larger context around the situation and get curious about how it might be impacting things. I statements and focusing on your feelings, needs, and asks can keep defenses down, communication moving, and maybe get you closer to what you’re wanting. If the relationship is one that is important to you, ask for what you need in a way the other person is most likely able to give it to you. Remember, you’re on the same team.

2) Listening to respond instead of listening to understand

Too often when we listen to complaints, criticisms, or requests to change we immediately begin crafting a defense. When I see this happen in the therapy room arguing people are rarely arguing about what they think they’re arguing about. Typically, the listener missed the point the speaker was making because they were too busy figuring out all the reasons the speaker was wrong in their assessment of the situation or of them.

I urge clients in that moment to pause and take a deep breath. Then I inquire around what they believe the speaker said that is hitting a little too close to an uncomfortable truth for them. If it isn’t that, then I get curious about the story they are telling themselves about what they think the speaker means. Once the story is revealed we often discover it is a far cry from the speaker’s meaning and words.

If you recognize this pattern as something you do, there is a tool you might find helpful called Speaker/listener. You can read more about it here. Remember, if you notice yourself reacting to what you think someone said, curiosity can slow down the process and reduce reactivity. Ask questions; make sure you understand before you respond. Remember even common words can mean different things to different people in differing contexts. Which brings us to our third problematic pattern.

3) Assuming

When I work with people in therapy, I remind them often that how they define a word or concept may not be the way the person they’re communicating does. When your partner says that they are “close” with their family, you might assume that you know what that looks like for them, but the word “close” can mean everything from “my family and I did a lot of activities together when I was growing up” to “I talk to my mother twice a day.” We have to continually check in with people about how they are defining words and concepts rather than assume that what it means for you, is what it means for them. As my kids used to say to me, “Don’t assume, Mom. When you do you make an ass of u and me.”

If you find yourself assuming, as most of us will, I encourage you to shift to assuming you don’t know, assuming you can never fully understand someone else’s experience, and assuming the best of intentions from those you are in relationship with. Before responding, clarify meaning. Ask questions that can provide insight and empathy into what the other is experiencing.

It is impossible to be in relationships and be vulnerable without occasionally hurting someone or being hurt. What matters most is that we take accountability, apologize when necessary, be generous in our interpretations of the intentions of others, and attempt to make repairs when and where we can. Even the best communicators will screw up. Perfection is not the goal here. Commitment to practice and growth is all we can ask of ourselves and each other.

Notice and Describe – A prescription for High Conflict Couples

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Let’s look at the following scenario.

A husband and wife argue about cleaning the kitchen. They have an understanding that when one cooks, the other cleans. Tonight, it was the husband’s job to clean because the wife cooked dinner.

Wife tells husband: You do the bare minimum of just loading 75% of the dishes. I then have to do a whole second job of finishing the dishes, cleaning the table tops and the high chair. Why do I have to supervise you? We agreed, you would clean if I do the cooking.

Husband says: You have a ridiculous standard for cleanliness. And you fail to appreciate that I also have to walk the dog and go back to work in the evening.

Wife: You “work” with the basketball game on in the background. What happens is you’ve come to expect that I’ll pick up the slack when you sit back and relax. You’re being lazy. I don’t get to be lazy.

Husband: I’m lazy?! If it’s so easy to make a living, you go ahead and do it. Last I checked your salary barely pays for the kid’s summer camp. The reality is I could do the kitchen perfectly and you’d still nag! You love to micro-manage me! Nothing is ever good enough for you.

In this vignette, what husband and wife consciously experience is a back and forth of what they believe to be their genuine thoughts and feelings. These attacks escalate, polarizing the couple and moving them further away from understanding and solutions. They each storm off and feel overcome with a piercing disappointment that verges on a sense of betrayal. Each one thinks “You hid your true self from me. You’re not what I believed you to be. You don’t even know me.”

The damage happens fast; the repair will take much longer. They are left wondering “how did this all happen?” The answer lies in a hidden process which occurs below the level of consciousness, based in the brain.

In a regulated state our brains employ perspective taking, long term views, and balanced thinking and reasoning. These are necessary for interpersonal success. When we begin to enter a state of high emotional arousal we lose these faculties which are critical in relationship management.

High emotional arousal is followed directly by biased thinking: our thoughts become overwhelmingly negative and imbalanced.

Next, we produce negative judgements and assumptions about our partner. The negative judgements and assumptions are what lead directly to misunderstanding and high conflict.

This process is automatic. The dangerous thing is not that this happens; there are many strategies for self-regulation which aim to bring our reasoning faculties back online. The dangerous thing is that we are mostly unaware when we are under the influence of biased thinking. We tend to think we are governed by reason when reason has long left the building. And the deeper (higher emotional arousal) a couple gets into the fight, the more indignantly each believes that their judgements and assumptions about each other are objective, verifiable fact. One partner’s brain supplies the missing parts (assumption) to the other person’s story and then the brain reacts to that story (judgement).

In the example above, we see it happen right away. Both make assumptions about the other: she assumes he’s only pretending to work. He assumes she doesn’t appreciate all he does for the family and that she has it easy. Both make judgements: she calls him lazy and he calls her critical. The frustration she felt over the incomplete kitchen put her in a state of high emotional arousal and from there they were both off to the races in creating narrow and inaccurate narratives.

Developed chiefly by Marsha Linehan in the field of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, an antidote to this automatic process is to employ a deliberate method of thinking we can call “Notice and Describe.” You might like to think of it as relationship mindfulness.

In this mode a person notices and describes what is going on around them, much like a sports event announcer does on the radio. This means sticking purely to what is noticeable in the environment, noticeable about our partner, and noticeable inside our body. We pay attention. We notice. We describe. We do not engage in making any interpretations in this mode. This helps keep arousal at a manageable level and keeps us from straying into judgements and assumptions.

In the book “The High Conflict Couple” Alan Fruzzetti writes: “When you assume what his feelings are, interpret or evaluate her response, question his motivation, or focus on how illogical she is being, you have stopped paying attention to your partner, lack awareness, and are not being mindful of him or her. Mindfulness of your partner is the gateway to listening and understanding, and eventually to collaboration, support, conflict resolution, and closeness.” (p. 26).

The notice and describe mode leads us to curiosity and wanting to understand more. It highlights the parts of the context that we are missing and invites the other person’s experience to fill those blanks. It creates open thinking instead of closed thinking.

So what does it look like in practice? Let’s revisit the couple from above.

The wife says to herself: “I notice the dishes haven’t been completely finished. I notice he put all the food away. I notice he changed the lightbulb that I asked him to change. I notice myself feeling upset that he hasn’t wiped down the high-chair or the counters. I notice he looks tired. I notice he hasn’t changed out of his work clothes. I notice my own fatigue too. I notice how the fatigue feels in my body next to the frustration.”

This is an example of more balanced thinking. The wife can then share with her husband what she’s noticing without attacking.

Wife: “You look tired. Did you have a long day at work?”

Husband: “I did. The performance evaluations are really stressful this year. I have 3 more to write tonight.”

Wife: “I’m sorry. I know this has been a big project.”

Husband: “How was your day?”

Wife: “All good, I’m just really overtired. Baby has been waking really early. And I know when I get overtired it can lead to me being impatient with everyone. We are both working really hard for the family right now.”

Husband: “I know. Everyday is a marathon.”

Wife: “You had a long day and I don’t want to pile on but I have a quick request. When you clean the kitchen would you mind doing one final sweep to pick up any dishes you may have missed? And can you wipe down the high chair. I clean it using the Mrs. Meyers spray that’s under the sink.”

Husband: “Did I miss some dishes?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Husband: “Ok. Sure. I think I don’t even realize because I’m still thinking about work.”

Wife: “I get that.”

Husband: “Yeah I have to be honest, I don’t think to clean the high-chair because you always feed the baby. Like, I don’t even look at it. Generally, I do the kitchen kind of rushed because I still have to get the dog out and, on a night like tonight, there’s more evaluations I have to get done tonight.”

Wife: “That makes sense. I will leave the high-chair next to the sink so it’s right in your sight line. Also, on the nights when you’re doing the kitchen, I’m happy to take the dog out. I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this before. I would actually love some fresh air. For me, on the nights where I’ve cooked and done the kids dinner, the thing I just can’t stand is spending more time in the kitchen. If I take the dog could you do all the clean-up and close up the kitchen.”

Husband: “Definitely.”

In this version of their interaction, we learn about his context, her context, and each one’s needs and worries. They have come to a solution that works by redistributing tasks and making expectations explicit. They have communicated successfully by keeping emotional arousal low through the notice and describe approach. Neither asserts themselves to be an expert on the other person’s experience (as they did in the high arousal version). They do not load meaning into each other’s actions. They seek to understand what meaning, if any, should be made.

In this version, they walk away feeling a boost in relational competence. They worked together in solving a problem, and in doing so came to understand each other’s inner worlds more intimately.

References: Fruzzetti, A. (2006). The High-Conflict Couple. New Harbinger, CA.

Four Relational Pitfalls and Their Antidotes

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

I refer to John Gottman’s research around the four horsemen of the apocalypse to better the relational skills of my clients (mostly couples) and myself. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. All of us use one or several of these negative strategies in our interactions at some point. Gottman’s research found that the heavy presence of these behaviors will corrode a relationship by increasing negativity and distrust. These factors largely contribute to Gottman’s ability to predict whether a couple will stay together or separate after observing a couple’s communication for 15 minutes with 96% accuracy. These behaviors are that powerful and that indicative of relational success (Gottman, 2015).

How to use this information.

I will outline the four horsemen as well as their antidotes below. I encourage you to think about which of these are present in your communication with your partner. It may be tempting to identify what’s wrong with your partner first, but for the sake of this exercise, keep this focused on you. You have more agency and power in changing your own behavior than your partner’s. If you find this exercise resonates, perhaps you can encourage your partner to read through this blog post or refer to the resources I’ve shared below. Clients have the most success in using this information when they own which of the four horsemen they bring to their interactions.

The four horsemen in greater detail.

1) Criticism

This is a statement that expresses negative opinions or judgements about the other person. These statements generally target a person’s character or personality. Here are some examples: “You always forget to load the dishwasher. How are you so forgetful? I can tell you really don’t care about our home because you don’t clean up after yourself.” or “You’re always looking for an opportunity to leave me at home with the kids. You are selfish. Can’t you see I’m drowning?!”

The antidote for this is to turn your criticism’s into complaints. Complaints are more vulnerable, objective, and give your partner a way back in. A complaint starts with an I statement (“I’m feeling really stressed”) followed by an objective description of the situation (“when the kitchen is messy”) followed by a need or a preference (“can you start putting away your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?”)

2) Contempt

This suggests a superiority over someone else. This often disrespects others through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or scoffing. This is often the result of pent-up resentment or unaddressed negative thoughts. Couples who are stuck in contempt are at the highest risk of divorce and are at higher risk of developing colds and the flu (Gottman, 2015).

The antidote for contempt is building appreciation and respect back into the relationship. Look for moments to highlight your partner’s efforts and increase moments of appreciation. Also look for opportunities to show affection (think about love languages) towards your partner. What you pay attention to grows. Get into the habit of noticing the positive parts of your partner and then make this known. Words of appreciation can sound like, “Thank you for making me a cup of coffee this morning. That really saved me time.” or “I’m so grateful you’re my partner. Thank you for listening to me vent about work.”

We can find ourselves in a place of contempt if the bad outweighs the good. Gottman has found that for every negative interaction, you need 5 positive interactions to balance this out to feel healthy and happy in your relationship. Start monitoring this ratio and up the appreciation and affection if needed (Gottman, 2015).

3) Stonewalling

This occurs when we withdraw from our partner. This can look like walking away during mid conversation, shutting down, appearing busy, etc. This can result from receiving too much criticism or contempt to the point where we need to disengage. This can feel protective, but when we stonewall, we are inaccessible to our partner so we cannot address what’s wrong.

The antidote to this is taking some time away from your partner deliberately and responsibly. Ask for some space if you’re feeling overwhelmed and use the time to regulate your emotions. Do something soothing (take a walk, read a book, listen to music, engage in an activity that takes your mind off the moment) for at least 30 minutes. Do not stew on the hard conversation. When you return to your partner, you will be in a better place to listen and offer your own perspective in a respectful way.

4) Defensiveness

We generally engage in defensiveness in response to criticism. It sounds like not taking responsibility for our behavior and blaming our partner instead. Here are some examples: “You’re really angry with me? I would help around the house more if you weren’t so mean to me!” or “I’m not the only one who yells, you yell at me all the time!”

In both of these instances, there is no recognition of the other person’s experience, and it sounds like blame which escalates things further. The antidote is taking ownership for the part(s) of the statement that make sense and acknowledging your partner’s experience. It generally involves some curiosity and validating statements. For example, it might sound like this: “I can understand why you want me to help out around the house. What are you needing?” or “I do yell when we argue. I’m going to try to work on that.”

Prompts

After you have a grasp of what the horsemen are, consider the following prompts:

- Which of the four horsemen do I identify with?

- When do I notice myself using one/some of the four horsemen?

- How do my partner(s) or loved ones respond when I do this?

- What are my alternative responses?

- If I try to practice an alternative response, what will make this challenging?

- What will help me? What can I do to set myself up so I can choose an alternative response?

- If I use one of the four horsemen, and catch my behavior after the fact, how can I take accountability?

- What does that look like and sound like?

Resources:

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Brene with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last

Handout of the four horsemen and antidotes

References:

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hachette UK.

Sex and the Pandemic

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Many couples are reporting a steep drop-off in sexual activity since the onset of the pandemic. To look at what’s driving this phenomenon lets first look at the ingredients that fuel desire.

In her TED talk entitled “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship” (watched over 17 million times!), Esther Perel shares an important finding from her research with couples. When asked, “When are you most drawn to your partner?” the resounding theme of answers from participants was “when my partner was in their element – at a party, in the studio, on stage”. How does Esther interpret these responses? That we are most drawn to our partner when they are “radiant, self-sustaining, and they don’t need us.” She describes it as a “momentary shift in perception that makes me open to the mysteries living right next to me”. There is no neediness in desire. No caretaking in desire.

Our crisis-response behaviors call upon certain relational strengths that stand in stark opposition to what drives desire. In a crisis we acknowledge our deep need for each other. We lean on our partners for emotional support and problem-solving power. When the nature of the crisis is ongoing and the stress chronic, there is a daily requirement for spouses to depend on each other in order to promote the family’s sense of security in the face of a threat. Partners ask for help, for loyalty, and for caretaking from one another as they face the relentless waves of loss, sickness, and economic hardship that this pandemic has caused. These are connective and loving moments, but they are a world away from the erotic connection couples cultivated pre-pandemic.

Perel says “sex is a place you go, not something you do.” This description captures the sense of play, exploration and freedom associated with desire. But we can only travel to this place if we feel safe, if we feel the (metaphorical) home we leave behind is secure for a short time while we are absent. Our prolonged exposure to fear and uncertainty throughout the pandemic has readied our physiological selves for fight or flight. Because stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol have been flooding us at a white-water-rapids rate, we tend to have a steady stream of stress hormones even on the days where there’s no shocking news headline or riots in the street. The chronic nature of this chemical process impacts our thinking and our behavior in this way: we constantly prioritize our needs around survival. The brain simply doesn’t have the resources for imagination and play.

So what can we do about this situation? Anything that lowers stress (exercise, sleep, rituals of affection, mindfulness, grounding exercises) will help relax our brains so we can make space for pleasure. But I think the most powerful therapeutic at this moment in time is acceptance. Simply lowering our expectations. This is an unprecedented experience. Be gentle with yourselves and you partners. Above all, don’t make the mistake of attributing no or little sex during the pandemic as a symptom of poor relational health. Absolutely stay curious about what factors impact sexual connection in your relationship, but consider waiting until the pandemic is over to harden any beliefs about your situation.

Let’s Talk about Gender Roles in Marriage

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The gender beliefs, attributions, and norms that we come to hold as individuals show up in the ways we structure our households and define our partner roles. Gender considerations tend to be at play, explicitly or implicitly, in the distribution of household labor and childcare, in career negotiations, in spousal spending power and in sexual satisfaction.

While some people hold firm, fixed beliefs on gender, others revisit and revise their beliefs across the life course. To be sure, a person’s ideology at any given point in time is a product of layer upon layer of influence: family, religion, culture, biology, and government to name a few. An important function of couples therapy is to unearth, to the level of consciousness, the ways that our attitudes toward gender and our gender role expectations in relationships have been informed by childhood conditioning and various social influences. This process leads partners to have a greater sense of agency over how they want roles to be assigned and responsibilities allocated. When couples avoid talking about these hidden forces, partners often slide into roles which are at odds with their beliefs (i.e. a progressive-minded individual finds themselves in a traditional role, or vice versa). Research has shown that the dissonance that one experiences when beliefs/values do not align with behavior often leads to both psychological and relational distress. The therapy process can help couples arrive at an explicit agreement about the kind of roles they want in their relationship or marriage.

Outlined below are the 3 most common models of marriage (among heterosexual couples). Use this as a framework to open discussion. It may help identify your current situation or clarify desired goals. (Note, these are generalized buckets; every couple is distinct and nuanced!) From Hamburg, S. R. (2001). Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

Traditional marriage: Husband earns the money and wife takes care of household and kids. They occupy “separate spheres”. Male-identity closely tied to provider status. Big difference in power between husband and wife. In this model, there is a clear definition of roles.

Egalitarian marriage: Both spouses view their respective income as collective and household responsibilities as shared. Couples view each other’s jobs as equal and necessary (regardless of income differentials) and earnings as “ours”. If there are kids, neither partner is automatically the primary caretaker. Both partners make whatever changes are necessary to work schedules/commitments to accommodate the kids needs. Requires coordination and negotiation as roles are not fixed.

Nontraditional marriage: Somewhere between traditional and egalitarian. Both partners work outside the home but the defining feature is the wife has the primary responsibility for the children. Husband helps with housework, but it is wife’s responsibility to “manage” it. For example, he may do the grocery shopping but she plans the meals, makes the list, and reminds him to go. More equal power balance but traditional role of mother as primary childcare provider is preserved. Can lead wife to experience a disproportionate feeling of a “second shift”.

Below are some questions to use as a starting template at home or with your therapist to explore how attitudes toward gender show up in relationships:

• How do you both negotiate the distribution of household management and labor? Are these decisions based on skills and interests? Are the decisions are based on relative earnings? On time availability?

• When one partner earns and the other does not (or makes less) what are the ways marital power is tied to income?

• Are rewards and demands fairly distributed in your marital relationship?

• Is unpaid work by a stay-at-home partner valued the same/differently than the way paid work is?

• Is there a balance between decision-making (i.e. scheduling travel for the holidays) and labor (packing the bags)?

• What is the load of invisible work (worrying, planning, processing) that each partner carries?

• In “post-gender” couples with egalitarian ideals, what factors determine who does what and how did you come to agree on these factors?

• What is each partners level of motivation to align on a “model” for their relationship?

• How similar or dissimilar are your current roles compared to what you witnessed in your parents’ roles growing up?

• What (if any) sources of pressure make you feel that you should conform to certain roles?

• Are there certain areas of labor distribution that are chronic sources of inflammation? (i.e. walking the dog. What have you tried to reduce conflict and what are some possible alternatives?

Role Reversal Exercise (Source: Prepare/Enrich): Plan a day or week when you can perform each other’s household responsibilities/schedule. This role reversal experiment will help you gain insight around each other’s responsibilities/routine and promote perspective turn-taking.

Conversations about the role of gender within relationships and households can be uneasy. Yet, leaning into the discomfort is likely to have a big payoff:  the process of listening to understand your partner and the process of collaborating on the household structure creates a vital sense of “we-ness” in the couple. It also promotes a sense of living out one’s values within the individual.

Deepening Your Listening with Validation

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

One of the most powerful and connecting tools I use in my personal life and in therapy is validation. Validation is the act of acknowledging and honoring someone’s experience. When done well, the speaker will feel seen and heard, and the listener will be taking in what the speaker intended. It’s very simple and very powerful. Without it, we run the risk bypassing someone’s experience, inserting our own spin on what’s happening (so dangerous), and can leave people feeling dismissed.

How do I use this?

Validation comes in a variety of forms listed below:

Reiterating what you’re hearing:

• “What I’m hearing you say is…”

• “It sounds like…”

• “So when X happened you felt Y.”

Giving non-verbals that indicate you’re present

• Head nods

• “Mm Hmms” or other sounds to indicate you’re tracking

• Eye contact

• Let your body lean in

Asking curious questions

• Tell me more about that.

• What was that like for you?

• What were you hoping would happen?

What challenges can I anticipate?

The number one fear around using validation is that validation equals agreeing with the speaker. And if the speaker’s experience is different than your own, why would you betray your own experience? Validation does not equal agreement. Validation is an acknowledgment of another person’s experience; Validation honors that someone has their own unique experience that may be similar or different from your own. There is always space for different experiences.

Additionally, you may be in the habit of waiting to talk versus listening to respond. It’s okay if this happens. This is such a familiar pull for all of us. Listening is hard. Take a deep breath when you notice this comes up. Take ownership for not taking in what the listener is saying. And ask for them to repeat what they said.

When should I do this?

As much as possible. This is especially helpful when a conversation gets heated or a conversation is hard. It will prevent the speaker and listener from rapid-fire responding. Rapid-fire responding is automatic which means you’re not listening, inserting what you think the other person thinks and feels, and will lead to fighting more times than not.

Reflection

Challenge yourself to incorporate validation into your daily life. If you do, ask yourself these questions:

-       How did people respond after I validated them? Is this different than what normally happens? If yes, how so?

-       What did it feel like to tune into someone else’s experience?

-       What makes this challenging to do? What makes this easy to do?

Understanding Anger

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Many people have a hard time managing anger. Some deny it completely, splitting off their emotions and suppressing their needs. Others experience it intensely, escalating into anger quickly when in conflict with a spouse or child, for example. Few experience it in a productive way. Much of how we respond to anger is based on how anger was modeled for us in our homes growing up. Was it the primary way of communicating? Was it deemed shameful? Could anger be talked about in an open way? Do we shut it down in ourselves because we had a parent who was quick to anger? The good news is that despite how we were conditioned to orient ourselves toward the emotion of anger in our early lives, we can learn to gain control over it in adulthood and even use it to our benefit.

When anger is excessive, frequent or disruptive to our functioning and relationships we need to work on anger reduction. Here are some key methods.

PHYSICAL AROUSAL SELF-AWARENESS

When an aversive thought or incident occurs that triggers our brain’s fight or flight response, a cascade of physiological reactions follows: stress hormones are secreted, the heart speeds up, our muscles tighten, breathing increases, and sweating may occur. In this state, our bodies are readied for action and our behavior becomes hyper-reactive. Practicing physiological awareness, or “self-monitoring” means we are able to identify that our fight-or-flight system has gotten the better of us and we are able hit the pause button. Interrupting the amygdala’s activation and letting the mind and body cool down is a simple, yet critical step in taking control over anger. Labeling what we are feeling, deep breathing, meditation, exercise, and yoga are some proven ways of regulating emotion.

RECONNECTING TO OUR PROBLEM-SOLVING CAPACITY

Writes Greenberg and Goldman in Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy (2008), “in couples conflict, partners rapidly explode with rage or freeze in fear well before they have any conscious sense of what is happening or can regulate their emotional response (p.21).” Practicing a time-out when one or both partners is flooded with anger increases the likelihood that, upon reconvening later, the capacity for problem solving and perspective turn-taking will have returned. This is because when we are filled with anger our capacity for creative thinking and problem solving is blocked. The part of the brain engaged in these processes, the pre-frontal cortex, goes completely off-line. If we can reduce the anger to a moderate level of arousal, we can engage in a thoughtful, systemic examination of the problem. Taking a break/hitting pause allows us to slow down and get in touch with our ability for reflection. I advise clients to use the time-out to focus on what you want the other person to really hear and understand about you. I remind clients that the anger response does the opposite – makes it near impossible for people to hear your needs. And, the anger response almost always leads to more conflict. This is because anger causes us to experience cognitive or perceptual distortions and deficiencies. We become governed by biased attributional thinking, meaning the stories we tell ourselves about why things happen are inherently negative.

SHORT TERM V. LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES

In the short term, anger often leads to compliance. However, intimidation to get what you want is irrevocably costly to interpersonal relationships. Your child or spouse may do what you want, but lose respect for you, carry resentment, and conceal things from you in the future to avoid your reactivity. Remembering that frequent and excessive anger will lead to dishonesty in your relationships long term is a tool to help you choose the pause button.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE THOUGHTS

To adopt alternative responses we need to first understand that our thoughts drive our feelings. Identifying the thoughts that are associated with anger episodes is the first step to reclaiming control and choice. When we become conscious of the self-talk that precedes the anger, we can begin to build flexibility around those rigid thought patterns or core beliefs. We can draw out the thread of self-talk and engage in a meaningful dialogue with that narrative which underlies the anger. If we learn to tune in our inner worlds, anger can cue our attention toward a more vulnerable primary emotion like shame or fear that is the root cause of the anger. The Tree Metaphor (see image) is one I share with clients often to help them understand that our behavioral displays are the surface level defenses that we use to manage and hide our underlying emotional experience.

USING ANGER TO OUR BENEFIT

Suppressing anger is not a healthy alternative either; internalizing anger can lead to depression and deteriorate self-esteem. Therefore, we want to strive for the healthy middle ground where we are open to what anger wants us to pay attention to, but we aren’t carried away with angry behavior. Anger can be a very valuable emotion, in fact. It can alert us to important boundary violations. Anger tells us that we need to pay attention to our needs. When we, in turn, express ourselves respectfully to others, this feedback loop is working successfully.

What is your relationship to your screen(s)? And how does it show up in your relationships?

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By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

There may be hours throughout the day when I haven’t looked at my phone, and haven’t even picked it up from my night table the evening before. But there are certainly many (many) other moments when I find myself mindlessly scrolling, using my phone for one thing (like, checking the weather) only to find myself texting, or on Instagram, and completely forgetting to check if it is actually going to rain. Perhaps worse, my partner or my child will be talking to me, needing my undivided presence and attention, and I will be distracted by my phone. I will readily admit that my relationship with my screens, isn’t where I’d like it to be, nor is it what I want to be modeling as a parent.

I know I am not alone in this quest. Almost every client (or friend, or family member) I talk to about their phone use, will readily admit that they use their phone too much. That social media brings depression and anxiety to their lives yet they can’t find a way to stop. For many of us, our phones are the last thing we look at before bed, and the first thing we look at when we wake up. And it is making an impact on us, and our relationships.

A few thoughts for those of us who may be wanting a reset button on our screens:

• Designate a few times a day when you do not have your phone out. Perhaps this is during your morning routine, as you make coffee and prepare for the day. I would highly recommend tech-free meals - which creates an opportunity to have a more mindful eating experience, but also, to connect with your colleagues during lunch time (or quietly by yourself!) and your loved ones at the end of the day.

• Utilize your screen time app. Apple came out with the capacity for us to better track our phone usage. You can set app limits (I try to do only 30 minutes on social media a day!) There is a “downtime” option, which allows you to go semi-dark from your calls and apps. Overall, it’s helpful to see how much time you are on your phone. The number might be absolutely shocking, and can be a great starting place to reassess your usage. Some tips on how to do this effectively, here.

• How much do you talk to your partner during the day? Many of us are in constant contact with our partners and friends throughout the day. Whether that is texting, Instagram messaging, Snap chatting etc. Try limiting your contact throughout the day, and make the moment when you get home from work an opportunity to actually hear about your partner’s day. It’s easy to tune out if you have already heard everything through text in a play by play starting at 9 am. Make the end of day reunion a meaningful opportunity to connect, tech-free.

• Make a tech-free date night. The majority of the couples I work with talk about increasing intimacy, connection, and communication as their main goals. One of the go-to interventions is date night. But, if date night is spent with one or both partners on their phones, or constantly being pulled out of the IRL conversation to respond to a text or a call elsewhere, our ability to open up, become more vulnerable and intimate is hampered. Turn your phone on silent, put it away and look at each other.

A few other articles on the topic:

How Your Smartphone Might Sabotage Your Relationship

Tips for Parents to Put Away their Phones

Screen Time is Sabotaging Our Relationships

Does Screen Time Mess Up our Relationships?

Using a Time Out

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By Michaela Choy, AMFT

Conflict is an inevitable part of being in relationship. It can be productive, but it can also be hurtful. When conflict becomes reactive and explosive, we need to find ways of calming down in order to prevent further damage. During these times, our brains respond by initiating a fight, flight, or freeze response. When this gets activated, we are no longer in the conversation to connect and understand our partner, but we are attempting to survive and defend using any means possible. This is very dangerous territory for relationships. When this occurs, consider taking a time out (Fishbane, 2013).

To be effective, time outs must be used with intention. It’s recommended that couples discuss guidelines before using this tool. This helps partners develop a sense of safety during their time apart and know exactly what to expect. Here are some great guidelines to consider.

1. Call a time out with tact. Saying that you need time apart with a hard tone, exaggerated volume, or nasty non-verbal cues will only make things worse. Take a deep breath and speak as calmly as possible. Some suggested phrases are:

   “Hey, I think I need some time to cool down before we talk about this more, let’s take a time out.”

   “I want to talk about this more, but I need a break. Let’s take a time out.”

2. Agree upon the amount of time that you will spend apart. Research shows that when your emotions are escalated, it takes 20 minutes at minimum to cool off. Your time out should be no shorter than 20 minutes. 30 minutes is my recommendation to couples (Fishbane, 2013).

3. Use time apart intentionally. If you use this time to ruminate on your anger and allow your hard feelings to grow, entering back into a conversation with your partner will cause damage. Take a walk, practice deep breathing, or find alternative ways of soothing yourself. Only when you are calm should you reengage.

4. Decide who will initiate the conversation again. I recommend that the partner that calls the time out is the partner that initiates the conversation again.

Using this tool can help us reach a place where we can find connection during disagreements versus fighting with reactivity. When done well, you can increase your chances of resolving hard conversations without further hurting your partner.

Resources:

Fishbane, M. D. (2013). Loving with the Brain in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple Therapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.

Significantly Reduced Rate Therapy Sessions!

Rachel D. Miller

Focht Family Practice is now offering a unique opportunity to couples and families at a significant sliding scale fee! There is currently limited availability being offered with Rachel D. Miller, who is a doctoral student at Adler University. These sessions are required to be video recorded solely for the focus of educational purposes and are completely confidential and HIPPA compliant. To learn more, please complete the form on our Contact Page and add a note of interest in the message section.

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Part IV: Sex after baby.

Most of us have heard the age-old narrative that your sex life disappears after you have children. You are exhausted and sleep feels substantially more important than sex; perhaps your focus and intimacy is on the baby – not on each other; or, perhaps your body no longer feels desire or arousal the way it once did. No matter the reasons (and there are countless more), for some, it is a terrifying prospect that your once beloved sex life may be one of the casualties in the transition to parenthood.

There is good news: Your sex life does not have to disappear when you become a parent. It does, however, have to change and evolve for your new life and the new (very significant) constraints of having a baby. The key is to approach this change with care, curiosity and flexibility for yourself and your partner.

Let’s visit some of the significant constraints that new parents face in rebuilding their sexual relationship and therapeutic strategies you can use to address them:

1. Sleep Deprivation; This is perhaps the biggest reason that parents name when they discuss the difficulty in reigniting their sexual relationship, post baby. Especially if your child hasn’t begun to sleep in longer stretches, the idea of trading in precious sleep for sex is hard to imagine.

It’s also important to note that sleep deprivation and exhaustion can impact your hormone levels, increase anxiety and irritability, and has been associated with greater conflict between partners. It’s hard to imagine wanting to have sex or any type of physical intimacy when your sole focus is trying to maintain enough energy for a baby whose needs are continuous.

Strategy: Take turns with the night time feedings and early wake ups (if you can) so each of you can get some longer stretches. Offer support if you know your partner is especially tired. If you are breastfeeding, your partner can sit with you during a middle of the night feeding - even if he can’t “do” anything, his presence is important and signifies that you are a team. You may be sleep deprived, but you are exhausted together, and can see the experience as a bonding one. Sex might not be on the table at this point (it is likely you will want to wait until you have more energy) but building the foundation of your new co-parenting role can be incredibly intimate, and knowing you are a united front will ultimately translate into an easier transition towards physical intimacy when the time is right. (There is nothing that will put you in the mood less than fighting with your partner about who is more tired. So, try to stay on the same team and avoid the rabbit hole of sleep resentment.)

2. Hormonal impact; the hormonal impact on your postpartum body can be very significant. Many women report feeling like they’re on an emotional roller coaster in the first few weeks and months after giving birth. (Read more about the signs and impact of postpartum depression and anxiety here.)

Breastfeeding mothers are producing a hormone called prolactin, while necessary for lactation, it is also responsible for lowering libido. Breastfeeding mothers bodies often suppress ovulation and their lower estrogen levels impact cervical mucus. Vaginal dryness may be an issue – causing sexual intercourse to be less enjoyable and even painful. If that wasn’t enough, breastfeeding also lowers female testosterone, which contributes to overall decreased libido. Source

Strategy: Talk to your doctor or therapist about concerns if you notice signs of postpartum depression or anxiety in yourself or your partner. If you are ready to have sex but it feels unpleasant, you can use a water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness and consult with your doctor for other alternatives. Most of all, remember what your body went through; give it time, and communicate if you are in pain. Share with your partner what you know about the shift in your hormones and the potential impact that may have on your libido. This will help create an environment of openness and help him or her understand that your lack of arousal may not be about them at all (they will likely have their own beliefs and reasons for why this is happening.)

3. Mismatched needs & expectations; This bullet point could be the topic of an entire book. Childbirth in couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) is entirely one-sided for a period of time. The parent who gives birth will inherently bear the burden in a different way, and if she breastfeeds, that one sidedness can continue for months (or years) postpartum. All this to say, that especially in heterosexual couples, fathers may have a difficult time understanding the multitude of changes happening in his partner’s mind and body. These factors impact desire and arousal, and it may cause frustration and confusion between partners that there has been a significant change in the couples’ sex life and perceived desire for one another.

Strategy:  Talk about expectations with one another; so much of this chapter requires an open, honest dialogue about what is happening for each of you. Many partners may make assumptions about the reason for the changes in their sex lives; without asking your partner what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically, you may be completely missing the mark (and missing an opportunity to help.)

If this topic feels particularly fraught or scary, I’ve listed a number of resources at the bottom of the post that you and your partner can look to and, you can always schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or sex therapist to better understand and process the new sexual dynamics in your relationship.

4. Body insecurity, low self-esteem and not feeling sexy; Women – you just did something miraculous: you grew a human life inside of you for the better part of a year, and then went through a significant medical event in order to deliver the child. Your body went through a trauma and you may not be feeling your best, or look the way you did prior to your pregnancy.

In our current medical model, women have a 6 week postpartum check up (after a vaginal birth) in which, if everything is ok, they can be “cleared” to have sex with their partner. OBGYNs often hear their patients begging for more time, asking for a medical excuse to postpone this event, while many fathers are waiting anxiously for the green light.

Strategy: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready at that point to jump back in the saddle; be gentle with your body and yourself. You may need more time to heal than a 6-week window. Take it slow and do what you need to do in order to feel your best. That can be anything from making sure you take a shower each morning, to putting on some makeup, to making sure you go for a walk outside and feel the fresh air, and drinking enough water each day. Self care looks different for each of us.

5. Overwhelmed by the new workload & lack of time; There are only so many hours in a day. Those hours are significantly decreased when you take on a newborn feeding schedule, or are chasing a baby around. Your free time feels virtually non-existent, and it can feel like there is a never-ending mountain of work (both domestic and professional) that builds. These stressors can act as a “brake” to halt sexual arousal and desire (Nagowski). If our minds are always thinking about what needs to get done or how stressed we are, we will likely have a much more difficult time transitioning to a sexy mindset.

Strategy:  If we know our sexual drive and desire is negatively correlated with stress levels, this can be an opportunity to our partners not to complain about the lack of sex, but to ask – “what do you need help with?”

Parents need to practice self-care in order to be able to think about accessing desire for their partner. Often, this means lightening the load for your partner so they can have time to get back to themselves, and momentarily step out of mommy or daddy mode. Give them some time to see their friends (and get out of the house), to exercise (increased blood flow increases libido), and make sure you both are hydrated and fed (you need energy to have sex.)

Another helpful strategy for some is to schedule sex. For the partners who would like to increase the frequency in their sex lives but struggle to find the time in their schedules, try planning ahead. Either create a sexy calendar invite for your partner to let them know you are thinking about them, or have a standing date/time that you can connect physically. This requires a regular check in to make sure expectations are clear and flexibility with changing schedules. (For example, sending a text mid-day for your weekday “sexy time” to ask if your partner is still interested and committed to the plan for the evening. This not only helps avoid disappointment if things change, but can also help to build anticipation as the day goes on.)

6. Relying on baby for intimacy; This is a common trap for many new parents, especially new moms. As mentioned above, there is an evolutionary “one sidedness” to childbirth that is much more pronounced in the first months and year of a child’s life. Mothers often find themselves with longer parental leave to bond with the baby, and may choose to breastfeed, which requires nearly constant touch and necessary attunement with a baby’s feeding schedule.

This bonding is incredibly special, and it can be all consuming. This connection can feel so intense and magical that it begins to replace your partner’s intimacy. This quote from Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, describes this phenomenon beautifully:

“Children are indeed a source of nurturance for adults. Their unconditional love infuses our lives with a heightened sense of meaning. The problem arises when we turn to them for what we no longer get from each other: a sense that we’re special, that we matter, that we’re not alone. When we transfer these adult emotional needs onto our children, we are placing too big a burden on them” (Perel; Kerner & Raykeil, p. 50)

Strategy: Make time for your connection outside of baby. As a couple, you need to build your reservoirs of connection physically, but also emotionally and intellectually. Sometimes date night can be just for that – for connecting, talking, laughing, eating. You can even try a “no baby” rule on date night - talk about anything but the baby. Remember how and why you connected before you became parents. Another favorite tip about date night from Esther Perel!

(Side note about date night: It can be hard to feel sexy and in the mood after a full meal, late at night. Be clear about how you’re feeling and help to differentiate between date nights and sex. If you wait for sex only on date night, it may be a while, and it can heighten the pressure around the evening.)

This list of constraints and strategies is obviously not exhaustive, and quite honestly just scratches the surface of this topic. I focused mostly on parents who are transitioning to parenthood for the first time, with one child and many of the strategies are “mother-centric”. Below are additional resources that I’ve found incredibly helpful and normalizing for couples in this stage of their transition to parenthood.

Additional Resources:

•      Love in the Time of Colic, Ian Kerner & Heidi Raykeil
•      How not to Hate your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn
•      And Baby Makes Three, John & Julie Gottman
•      Becoming Us, Elly Taylor
•      Come As You Are, Emily Nagowski

Five Benefits to Premarital Counseling

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

You’re engaged! Congrats! Looking at your ever-growing list of wedding planning tasks, take a moment to consider adding premarital counseling to the top. Here are five benefits to completing premarital counseling with your partner before saying “I do.”

1.     Identifying potential future problem areas

Premarital counseling delves into topics most couples don’t usually think too much about before tying the knot. Questions such as, “How much input do you want from your in-laws about raising your kids?”, “Do you view debt as a shared or separate responsibility?”, “What feels fair for division of household chores?”, “How much time do you each need alone versus together?”, allow couples to begin talking about their differences, and potential areas of disagreement. Talking about how you’re going to handle your finances now, before you are fighting about how the money is being spent, allows for greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings. The more information you have about potential problem areas, the more proactive you and your partner can be about managing them.

2.     Improving communication in the now

Premarital counseling is an great opportunity to address any communication issues you and your partner have now, before they become set in stone and more difficult to change later. Learning how to share your emotions, listen to your partner, take accountability, and ask for your needs are difficult things to do. Premarital counseling provides tools to do so more effectively without blaming and hurting the other person.

3.     Setting up relationship expectations

We all have expectations about relationships and about marriage. Unfortunately, we often don’t know what those expectations were until they are not met. Talking openly about your expectations in premarital counseling allows for you and your partner to co-create your marriage expectations together and establish a shared sense of understanding and commitment.

4.     Discussing short and long term goals

Planning the future with your partner needs to go a few steps further than just the wedding. Premarital counseling provides the space to discuss both short and long term goals, making ideas about the future more concrete and tangible. It also provides an opportunity to discuss ways to reach those goals and move forward as a team.

5.     Learning new things about each other

Amazingly, there is always more to learn about your partner. Premarital counseling provides a unique opportunity for you and your partner to learn and grow together. It cultivates curiosity and a sense of adventure, establishing a positive foundation for you and your partner to embark from.

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

PART III: Couple & Co-Parent Conflict

In conversations with new parents, one of the topics that often gets overlooked (and hidden) is the shock that the transition to parenthood can have on the couple. Some couples do transition to co-parents seamlessly, but more often than not, there is an enormous amount of stress associated with this shift, and growing pains to navigate.

[Before diving in, I want to acknowledge and honor that people (individuals and couples) enter into parenthood in a myriad of ways; for the purposes of this post, I am focusing on couples that have been together as romantic partners prior to becoming parents.]

As if the addition of a tiny human wasn’t stressful enough, the transition from partners to co-parents can be one of the most fraught, and often deprioritized. Suddenly, you now have two relationships to foster – your romantic one, and your co-parent one. (There is an upcoming post on the romantic relationship post-baby, stay tuned!)

Often, in times of transition we experience a spike in stress, depression, anxiety and conflict. This applies to everything from moving to a new city to losing a job, and even losing a loved one. Transitions are some of the hardest things we go through as humans – and frequently, we have trouble navigating the new environment we find ourselves in.  Couples can have it particularly hard – as each parent attempts to navigate the demands of parenthood for themselves, they also have to simultaneously make that adjustment as a team. As you can imagine, or you have already experienced, this new territory (plus sleep deprivation) can create the perfect storm for couple conflict.

Why is it important to minimize couple conflict?

While I think most of us can agree that fighting with our spouse is generally unpleasant (and unwanted), we may not have enormous incentive to change our behavior and curb our conflict. Conflict doesn’t just impact our marital satisfaction and mental health, it also impacts our physical wellbeing. There is research linking hostile couple conflict with heart disease, and a slower rate of healing. (Dunn, 55). If that isn’t incentive enough, we have learned that children, even our babies, react negatively to conflict.

Researchers at the University of Oregon were able to conclude that infants as young as six months old react negatively to angry argumentative voices (Dunn, 23). According to Julie and John Gottman, children three to six years old believe that they are the cause of their parents fighting, and children ages six to eight tend to pick sides between parents during conflict (Gottman).  In fact, psychologists have found that the day after a conflict, mothers are better able to compartmentalize and return to normal parenting mode with their children, whereas fathers had a much harder time returning to family life, therefore impacting their relationship with their children. They found that the conflict between parents often spilled over for the father, and resulted in friction between him and the children even days after the fight (Dunn, 24).

So, what does this mean for childhood development? Researchers from Notre Dame found that kindergarteners whose parents fought frequently were more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, and struggle with behavioral issues by the time they reached seventh grade (Dunn, 24). Babies raised in unhappy marriages have shown a plethora of developmental problems, from delayed speech and potty training to inability to self-soothe (Gottman).

It is unrealistic to assume that you and your partner will never fight. In fact, it would be a disservice to your children if you never showed them conflict at all. Think about it as an opportunity to be on your best behavior to show your children that people can be mad and still love each other. Those two things can certainly co-exist, but the important part is to model fair fighting.

Tips for fair fighting & Reducing Conflict:

1.     Active Listening Techniques (Dunn, 72-76)

1. Emotion Labeling – helping to name your partner’s emotions (if you see frustration, you might say – “you seem frustrated”); naming and validating these emotions can take the person from a purely emotional state to a more reflective, rational state (Dunn, 73).

2. Paraphrasing – simply restating your partner’s message in your own words; this tells them that you are listening and absorbing what they are sharing with you.

3. Offering minimal encouragement – this is offering either non-verbal nods, or verbal “mhms” and “yeahs” in order to convey to your partner that you are still tracking them while they speak.

4. Asking open-ended questions – The goal is to avoid yes or no questions but to give your partner more space to share; you can do this by saying “can you tell me more about that?” or “I didn’t understand what you meant by that, but I’d like to. Can you help me by explaining further?” (Dunn, 75).

5. Using “I” Messages – The “I” message allows you to share your feelings in a less provocative manner. Rather than saying “You are always late!” you could try “I feel so frustrated when you’re late because …”

2.     What NOT to do – Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman, )

1. Criticism – insults, using phrases like “you always…” or “you never…”

2. Defensiveness – counterattacking, whining, denying responsibility

3. Stonewalling – freezing out your partner and shutting down mid conversation; 85% of stonewallers are men because they tend to become so overwhelmed by conflict that their limbic system shuts them down, unable to take in new information (and leaves their partner in the lurch.)

4. Contempt – cynicism, attacking your partner’s character, eye-rolling, mocking, and sarcasm(!)

3.     Take a time out

Sometimes, conflicts can just become too overwhelming and out of control. If you are “deadlocked” – take a break. Gottman found that it takes approximately 30 minutes for the chemicals released during a conflict to exit the body. After this time, come back together and try discussing the topic with some of the included tools (Gottman).

4.     If all else fails: here is a helpful script (courtesy of Julie & John Gottman and Jancee Dunn)

[Share hidden soft emotion, like hurt/sad/betrayed/isolated] when [describe what happened without blame]. Then, [State your need clearly]. [admit your role in the conflict] and [accept influence]. Finally, [repair.]

For example -

[share soft emotion] I felt hurt when [what happened without blame] our childcare plans fell through last minute and I was left to figure it out by myself since you were out of town. [ask for what you need] I need you to help me set up childcare and backup options so that the burden isn’t entirely on me. [admit your role] I was already stressed when this happened, so I totally acknowledge that I lost my cool with you. [accept influence] I trust your ability to help choose babysitters so I would love your input. [repair] I’m sorry I lost my temper when we discussed this before and I’m hopeful we can get through this together.

Sources & Resources:

Dunn, Jancee. How not to hate your husband after kids. Little, Brown and Company, 2018

Gottman, John M., and Julie Schwartz. Gottman. And Baby Makes Three: the Six-Step for Preserving Martial Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives. Three Rivers Press, 2007.

Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan. The seven principles for making marriage work. Cassell Illustrated, 2018.

3 Relationship Resolutions to Reconnect with your Partner in the New Year

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By Rachel D. Miller MA, AMFT

It’s that time of year again. Television, radio, and social media are plastered with ads for gyms, weight loss programs, dating sites, and a myriad of products to help you quit whatever bad habit you have resolved to give up this year.

“New year, new you!” has been January’s motivational mantra for decades. For those in committed relationships, this may not be the best approach to New Year’s resolutions. As Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), points out in her book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, “Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on individual goals, that many abandon before the end of January. Why not make this the year that you add relationship resolutions to your annual list? Ensuring a safe, loving, deep connection with your partner, may just be the thing you need to bring out the best in yourself in the coming year. Here a few suggestions to get you started.

1.     Start couples therapy. Therapy isn’t just for times of crisis. It’s actually a great way to take a proactive approach to your relationship and strengthen your connection.

2.     Refocus on prioritizing, improving, or expanding your sex life. A great sex life is an integral part of a satisfying relationship, but it rarely happens spontaneously, or without intent. Fun ways to do this might include attending a class or workshop at your local adult novelty store, setting up weekly sex dates (yes, planed sexual encounters can still be fun and satisfying), or exploring erotic literature or mutually pleasurable porn together.

3.     Create a book club with your partner. Whether you choose books on relationships, sex, or just share the latest fiction best sellers, reading the same book promotes intentional, planned conversations that do not revolve around things like bills, chores, kids, or work. Some of my personal favorites, if you need a place to start are:

·      Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

·      The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

·      Come as you are by Emily Nagoski, Phd

·      The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD & Nan Silver

·      Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

·      Attached by Amir Levine, MD & Rachel S. F. Heller, MA

Sharing experiences, meaningful conversations, and physical intimacy create opportunities for connection and closeness. When we feel securely attached to our partners, and our relationships becomes our safe space, we are better equipped to handle the stresses and challenges life will undoubtedly throw our way, and become our best selves. Make this year different. Focus your energy on a “new us” to help you be successful in your quest for a “new you.”

PART II: STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING INFERTILITY

By Karen focht, ma, lmft

What an amazing experience to be apart of the Shine Fertility support call a few weeks back.  For a summary of what was covered please visit here!

STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING INFERTILITY

BY Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

I had the pleasure of meeting up with Erin McDaniel, who is a fertility coach dedicated to helping women have a more positive family building experience.  Erin is committed to providing unique care and assistance during the challenging time of infertility. I not only have the privilege of working with individuals and couples during the process of infertility, but I have also navigated through my own personal process with secondary infertility.  These experiences have created a passion in supporting couples through this challenging process. When Erin asked if I would be interested in participating in an interview on this very topic I enthusiastically accepted. I hope you enjoy....here it is!

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WHAT TIPS CAN YOU SHARE FOR COUPLES WANTING TO STAY CONNECTED DURING THEIR FERTILITY JOURNEY?

The fertility process is experienced differently from partner to partner. With that being said, it is common that each person will have their own individual feelings and needs that may differ from one another. The most important thing to focus on is communicating with your partner, sharing your process, and advocating for your specific needs throughout the journey - while also holding space for your partner's needs. Recognizing and allowing for these differences will create support within the relationship.

DO YOU HAVE RECOMMENDATIONS OF THINGS TO "DO" OR WAYS TO "BE" TO HELP KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP STRONG THROUGH THIS CHALLENGING TIME?

Here are a few things to consider as a couple during the process:

Communication: It is important to allow space for open and honest thoughts and feelings. Remember that the way you deal with the process may look different from your partner. Allow for acceptance of this difference while also advocating for what your specific needs are. The treatment process can at times feel all consuming. Try carving out specified time for a regular check in with your partner each week. This time can be spent sharing your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and fears along with checking in with your partner around their needs. Day to day life is already busy and with added doctor's appointments and treatment, it can add challenge to taking the time to share. This check in will make the time while also creating safety in knowing that there is intentional space to share with one another

Counseling: Providing support to one another is important. With that being said, you are each going through this process. Identifying professional support can be vital to keeping communication strong while also providing a platform to share your emotions and experience.

Time for fun: When fertility treatment becomes all consuming, this is when you should think about things you can do together as a couple to help create more of a balance within life and the relationship. This could be as simple as a date night, cooking class or other activity that may have been pushed aside while navigating through the fertility world. Re-engaging in quality time, activities, and hobbies will allow for positivity and connection.

Sex & intimacy: The science behind fertility treatment creates very specific instructions around what you can and can not do...especially when it comes to sex. This can be experienced as taking the fun or pleasure out of the relationship which may result in a decrease in intimacy and sexual satisfaction. If you are instructed to restrain from sex, consider nonsexual forms of touching in order to connect. This could be as simple as a hug, holding hands, massage, or cuddling.

On the other end of the spectrum is the instruction to have intercourse during very specific times. This can often create pressure and take the fun out of sex altogether. Consider making a change to the norm. Plan for a "staycation" with a stay at a local hotel, a night out on the town, or a romantic dinner at home to create an opportunity for something outside of the "norm". Talking about sex with your partner will help build a stronger bond with intimacy. Working with a couples therapist can help guide you through these challenging conversations while providing support.

““The most important message is that each partner is going through this process together in real time...it is important to support one another, but it is also vital to have access to additional support outside of the relationship.””

— — Karen Focht, MA, LMFT of Focht Family Practice

I OFTEN HEAR QUESTIONS FROM MY FEMALE CLIENTS ABOUT THEIR MALE PARTNERS. QUESTIONS LIKE, "HOW IS HE FEELING?", "DOES HE NEED ADDITIONAL SUPPORT?", AND "WHO CAN HE TALK TO?". WHAT RESPONSE WOULD YOU OFFER?

Although it is important to provide support to one another, it is also beneficial for each partner to identify and access additional support through the process. This can be through family, friends, a therapist, or support group. Unfortunately, there aren't many support groups out there for males which ends up reinforcing a message that male partners don't need support. This is not the case and support through community can be very helpful. A list of support group providers can be found here.

MANY WOMEN WILL TELL ME THEIR PARTNER IS THE "ROCK" AND THE "HOPEFUL ONE." THIS WORKS WELL - UNTIL S/HE FALTERS. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER MAY BE STRUGGLING, AND WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO HELP?

The most important message with this is the fact that each partner is going through this process together in real time. Yes, it is important to support one another, but it is also vital to have access to additional support outside of the relationship. Being proactive and identifying this support early on will ensure that each partner has options as struggle, disappointment, and challenge may arise.

WHEN SHOULD A COUPLE CONSIDER THERAPY AS PART OF THEIR FERTILITY JOURNEY? WHAT SHOULD THE COUPLE EXPECT FROM THE THERAPY PROCESS?

I find it to be beneficial to proactively seek additional support through this journey, which also includes couples therapy. It is important to identify a therapist who is familiar with fertility treatment and has specific experience working with couples. The therapy process holds a focus of creating a safe platform to communicate and share with one another while also identifying goals to focus on throughout the process.

WHAT ARE SOME RESOURCES YOU RECOMMEND FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION?

Support through fertility treatment is vital. Here are a list of resources to check out:

·       Where to start when looking for a local support group

·       Where to start when looking for an individual or couples therapist

·       Shine Fertility, a Chicagoland non-profit providing free mentorship, support, and education to women with infertility

·       RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association

·       American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)

Click here for full interview details.

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I will be participating in a monthly group support call through Shine Fertility on Wednesday, 11/29, at 8:00pm CST.  These calls focus on providing support to anyone facing infertility.  We will be focusing on the topic of staying connected with your partner during infertility.  Click here for more details!

BY Karen Focht MA, LMFT

Throughout my career I have found the challenge of infertility to come up over and over again while working with couples. 10-15 percent of couples in the US are touched by infertility in some way.  After attempting to conceive for a year, a couple can quickly find themselves thrown into the world of infertility and treatment.  Although there are many various treatment options available today, infertility can be a very lonely place.  I often found myself advocating for clients through resources, education and support through family and friends.  Although these are all very helpful and important forms of support, there was something missing.  This is where Shine comes into play. 

Shine is a non-profit organization that is dedicated to providing unique support to women who are faced with fertility challenges. I was fortunate enough to be introduced to Shine’s founder, Katie O’Connor, who shared her own journey within the fertility world.  Something that quickly stood out through our conversation was that the statistics are staggering and yet women aren’t talking about what is happening through their fertility struggles.   Through this realization, Shine was born.  Here are some details on what Shine is all about!

Fertility Friends Mentorship Program:  Through one to one support, the mentorship program matches a new member with someone who has successfully completed their fertility journey.  This is an opportunity to share your journey and challenges with a mentor who can closely relate to the experience.  Receiving empathy and understanding can make a tremendous difference throughout the overall experience. 

SHINE TOGETHER PROGRAMS:

In Person Support Meeting:  These meetings provide peer support, open discussion along with the opportunity to hear from a professional guest speaker.  “The goal is to create a community that allows us to laugh and cry, side by side, while celebrating our successes and battling our challenges, as well as providing knowledge to feel empowered throughout our journeys”.           **Meetings are held on a monthly basis

Virtual Support Call:  This is a group support phone call where members connect and share their fertility journey in a confidential format.                                                                                                                                                                                                  **Held on the last Wednesday of the month at 8pm CST.

Shine Social:  This fun event is an opportunity to learn more about Shine along with giving back in order to help continue the organizations mission and success.  Details can be found at www.eventbrite.com/e/shine-social-tickets-37693411007

For more information please visit http://www.shinefertility.org

Keep Calm and Fight Fair

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BY CAITLIN NELSON, AMFT

Every couple will experience conflict in their relationship, no matter how happy they are together. Research done by John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that 69% of conflict in relationships is about unresolvable, perpetual problems based on differences between partners (Gottman). They also found that stable couples experience 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction, while that ratio for unstable couples is 0.8:1. So what does this information tell us about conflict in relationships? Simply put, conflict is inevitable and manageable. So let’s learn how to manage it!

Step one to learning how to manage conflict is identifying that you are angry. Often before we can even recognize that we are angry, our bodies already know. Our heart is beating faster, our thoughts are racing, our muscles are tense, our faces are red - we are physiologically activated. Pay attention to these sensations, as they are your body letting you know you’ve reached your emotional threshold. Aka your point of no return.

Once you are able to identify that you are angry, it’s time to learn how to calm yourself back down. Why? Because reaching your emotional threshold puts you on auto-pilot, meaning you lose your ability to choose your reaction to your partner. This means that any chance of having a productive conversation is lost. If you want to hear and be heard, you need to come back to a calm state. You can do this by taking a few good deep breaths or by taking a walk (if leaving is agreed to be non-threatening by both partners).

Once you have gotten yourself feeling a little calmer, it’s time for some self-reflection. Try and identify what caused your anger. Were you feeling misunderstood, judged, blamed, hurt? These are the feelings to share with your partner. It’s easier to connect when we share softer emotions, rather than our harsh anger. In order to share those softer emotions with your partner, you need to agree upon a time and place to try again. Check in about a good time to revisit the conversation. Lastly, remind yourself that you and your partner are on a team, that there are positives to your partner and your relationship with them. This will help you soften more towards your partner, rather than revamping your side of the argument.

Ok, so now you’re calm and you’ve established a time to try again. Here are a few things to try when sharing your perspective with your partner.

 DO use “I-Statements.” These are statements that share your feelings in a non-accusatory way and propose a solution. They are the opposite of “you-statements,” which place our partner on the defense and assign blame.

You-statement : “You are always so inconsiderate! Why can’t you just come home when you say you will?!”

I-Statement : I feel anxious when I haven’t heard from you when you’re out. Could we set up a check-in system?

DON’T assassinate your partner’s character. This escalates the conflict and gets you farther away from sharing your perspective and working towards resolution.

DON’T call your partner names. This escalates the conflict and puts your partner on the defensive.

DON’T use the words always or never. This derails the conversation and allows more opportunity for further debate.

DO continue taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. This keeps you in control of your reactions and further away from your emotional threshold.

If you can begin implementing some of these tactics, your ability to manage conflict within your relationship will continue to become more and more effective, and easier to do consistently.

How To Cope With Divorce

BY SASHA TASKIER, AMFT

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I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to cope with divorce. Here are my thoughts:

It's time to give yourself a giant dose of self-compassion.

You are not going to be your best self at moments and you are weathering a transition that may force you to re-examine so many aspects of your life. Simple things, like your daily routine, can be torn down and much of this process necessitates a new approach.

So, be gentle.

Be forgiving of yourself and others. You are doing the best you can, with the tools you have that day.

The people in your life may know what you're going through, but they aren't inside your head. They might be insensitive at times, and you might feel let down - but, chances are, they are trying to help in the ways they know how.

Just like there is no road map for you, there is no road map for them either.

Seek support - whether through family, friends, or a professional therapist.

It's ok to ask for help, to say, "I feel like a mess today" or "I'm having a really hard time with (insert activity.)" (Another topic to consider is if your children also need support - and how to provide that at a time you are not at your best.)

Savor moments that you feel good, because they might feel rare (for a period of time.)

Take a dance class, go to the movies, have a night with friends, or if you can, treat yourself to a weekend away.

Mostly, remember that these feelings are temporary.

It will get better, and with time and patience, you will begin to feel like yourself again. In the meantime, treat yourself like you would treat your best friend who is going through a difficult time.

You can read the full article here: How to Cope with Divorce

The Right Way to Say You're Wrong

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

Saying “I’m sorry” seems so simple and yet, it doesn’t always feel that way. More often than not, it is connected to immense difficulty and feelings of dread. It is much easier for us to justify why we don’t need to apologize, why the other person is at fault, and why we should actually be the one receiving the apology. The problem with this mindset is that it leaves no room for personal accountability, which is a necessity for engaging in a meaningful relationship. Genuine apologies offer reconciliation and reconnection after a hurt has impacted the relationship. Our ability to take ownership of how we have hurt someone and offer an apology addressing that hurt, without needing to justify our behavior, allows us to truly repair our relationships. Now, how can we make sure we are doing that?

In Harriet Lerner’s new book, “Why Won’t You Apologize,” she goes into great detail about the do’s and don’ts of a genuine apology. There are many ways we can mess up an apology, even when we are truly trying. Lerner explains them as follows:

1.     Using the word “but”

This is a very common add-on and while it attempts to explain our behavior and why it makes sense given the situation, it also completely negates our apology.

Example: I’m sorry I was rude, but you weren’t listening to me.

Try Instead: I’m sorry I was rude. That was uncalled for and I will be more respectful next time.

2.     Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”

This pseudo-apology shifts the focus from your actions to the other person’s response. It is not taking accountability for your part in the interaction, and places the blame on the other person.

Example: I’m sorry you felt embarrassed when I pointed out your mistake at the party.

Try Instead: I’m sorry I pointed out your mistake at the party. That was not thoughtful of me and I won’t do it again.

3.     Saying, “I’m sorry if…”

The word “if” implies the other person needs to rethink their response and can often seem condescending. It again skirts away from taking responsibility for our actions.

Example: I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.

Try Instead: What I said was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive and I will be more mindful moving forward.

4.     Confusing what needs to be apologized for

This is a common occurrence in relationships where people are held responsible for the other person’s feelings and behaviors, rather than their own.

Example: I’m sorry for giving you a headache.

Try Instead: I’m sorry for not turning down the TV when I knew you had a headache.

5.     Asking for forgiveness too soon

Often when we work up the nerve to apologize, we feel the need to know that we are forgiven. This is a normal feeling. We want to know that the relationship has been restored. But when we ask for forgiveness too soon after an apology, we take away the space for the other person to fully process our apology, as well as the emotional hurt they are experiencing. This can make the other person feel rushed and sometimes even hurt again.

Example: I’m sorry I made a decision about our finances without including you. I know we’ve talked about that before. Forgive me?

Try Instead: I’m sorry I made a decision about our finances without including you. I know when I do that I hurt you and we’ve talked about that before. I understand if it takes some time for you to not be upset with me anymore. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

6.     Being intrusive with our need to apologize

This is when we continue trying to apologize before the other person is ready to hear from us. It often occurs with bigger betrayals and involves the hurt person drawing clear boundaries around no further communication. When we become intrusive with apologizing, we place our need to soothe our own anxiety about hurting someone above actually soothing the person we hurt.

Example: I know you said you didn’t want to talk to me anymore, but I need to know we’re ok; I’m sorry.

Try Instead: Not apologizing after the other person has made it clear they are not ready to communicate.

Lerner reminds us that an apology is us taking responsibility for our actions and soothing the other person’s hurt. It is not the time to discuss our grievances or make it about our pain. There will always be another time to bring those topics up. She challenges us to truly listen to someone when they bring us their pain, even when faced with things that are hard to hear. To do this, she recommends recognizing our defensiveness, soothing ourselves with deep breathing, asking questions when we don’t understand, refraining from debating facts and letting the hurt party know we hear them.

Lerner emphasizes the importance of truly listening to someone, as an apology will not be as effective if we haven’t understood the pain we have caused. Lerner also challenges us to accept the olive branch that is an apology when we have been the ones hurt. A genuine apology is a bid for connection, and when executed well and received well, it begins the healing process necessary to strengthen relationships.

Try to become more aware of how you apologize and where you need to tweak. My guess is, the better you become at apologizing, the more likely you will begin receiving genuine apologies in return, further cultivating positive change in your relationship.