Sex and the Pandemic

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Many couples are reporting a steep drop-off in sexual activity since the onset of the pandemic. To look at what’s driving this phenomenon lets first look at the ingredients that fuel desire.

In her TED talk entitled “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship” (watched over 17 million times!), Esther Perel shares an important finding from her research with couples. When asked, “When are you most drawn to your partner?” the resounding theme of answers from participants was “when my partner was in their element – at a party, in the studio, on stage”. How does Esther interpret these responses? That we are most drawn to our partner when they are “radiant, self-sustaining, and they don’t need us.” She describes it as a “momentary shift in perception that makes me open to the mysteries living right next to me”. There is no neediness in desire. No caretaking in desire.

Our crisis-response behaviors call upon certain relational strengths that stand in stark opposition to what drives desire. In a crisis we acknowledge our deep need for each other. We lean on our partners for emotional support and problem-solving power. When the nature of the crisis is ongoing and the stress chronic, there is a daily requirement for spouses to depend on each other in order to promote the family’s sense of security in the face of a threat. Partners ask for help, for loyalty, and for caretaking from one another as they face the relentless waves of loss, sickness, and economic hardship that this pandemic has caused. These are connective and loving moments, but they are a world away from the erotic connection couples cultivated pre-pandemic.

Perel says “sex is a place you go, not something you do.” This description captures the sense of play, exploration and freedom associated with desire. But we can only travel to this place if we feel safe, if we feel the (metaphorical) home we leave behind is secure for a short time while we are absent. Our prolonged exposure to fear and uncertainty throughout the pandemic has readied our physiological selves for fight or flight. Because stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol have been flooding us at a white-water-rapids rate, we tend to have a steady stream of stress hormones even on the days where there’s no shocking news headline or riots in the street. The chronic nature of this chemical process impacts our thinking and our behavior in this way: we constantly prioritize our needs around survival. The brain simply doesn’t have the resources for imagination and play.

So what can we do about this situation? Anything that lowers stress (exercise, sleep, rituals of affection, mindfulness, grounding exercises) will help relax our brains so we can make space for pleasure. But I think the most powerful therapeutic at this moment in time is acceptance. Simply lowering our expectations. This is an unprecedented experience. Be gentle with yourselves and you partners. Above all, don’t make the mistake of attributing no or little sex during the pandemic as a symptom of poor relational health. Absolutely stay curious about what factors impact sexual connection in your relationship, but consider waiting until the pandemic is over to harden any beliefs about your situation.