Understanding Anger

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Many people have a hard time managing anger. Some deny it completely, splitting off their emotions and suppressing their needs. Others experience it intensely, escalating into anger quickly when in conflict with a spouse or child, for example. Few experience it in a productive way. Much of how we respond to anger is based on how anger was modeled for us in our homes growing up. Was it the primary way of communicating? Was it deemed shameful? Could anger be talked about in an open way? Do we shut it down in ourselves because we had a parent who was quick to anger? The good news is that despite how we were conditioned to orient ourselves toward the emotion of anger in our early lives, we can learn to gain control over it in adulthood and even use it to our benefit.

When anger is excessive, frequent or disruptive to our functioning and relationships we need to work on anger reduction. Here are some key methods.

PHYSICAL AROUSAL SELF-AWARENESS

When an aversive thought or incident occurs that triggers our brain’s fight or flight response, a cascade of physiological reactions follows: stress hormones are secreted, the heart speeds up, our muscles tighten, breathing increases, and sweating may occur. In this state, our bodies are readied for action and our behavior becomes hyper-reactive. Practicing physiological awareness, or “self-monitoring” means we are able to identify that our fight-or-flight system has gotten the better of us and we are able hit the pause button. Interrupting the amygdala’s activation and letting the mind and body cool down is a simple, yet critical step in taking control over anger. Labeling what we are feeling, deep breathing, meditation, exercise, and yoga are some proven ways of regulating emotion.

RECONNECTING TO OUR PROBLEM-SOLVING CAPACITY

Writes Greenberg and Goldman in Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy (2008), “in couples conflict, partners rapidly explode with rage or freeze in fear well before they have any conscious sense of what is happening or can regulate their emotional response (p.21).” Practicing a time-out when one or both partners is flooded with anger increases the likelihood that, upon reconvening later, the capacity for problem solving and perspective turn-taking will have returned. This is because when we are filled with anger our capacity for creative thinking and problem solving is blocked. The part of the brain engaged in these processes, the pre-frontal cortex, goes completely off-line. If we can reduce the anger to a moderate level of arousal, we can engage in a thoughtful, systemic examination of the problem. Taking a break/hitting pause allows us to slow down and get in touch with our ability for reflection. I advise clients to use the time-out to focus on what you want the other person to really hear and understand about you. I remind clients that the anger response does the opposite – makes it near impossible for people to hear your needs. And, the anger response almost always leads to more conflict. This is because anger causes us to experience cognitive or perceptual distortions and deficiencies. We become governed by biased attributional thinking, meaning the stories we tell ourselves about why things happen are inherently negative.

SHORT TERM V. LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES

In the short term, anger often leads to compliance. However, intimidation to get what you want is irrevocably costly to interpersonal relationships. Your child or spouse may do what you want, but lose respect for you, carry resentment, and conceal things from you in the future to avoid your reactivity. Remembering that frequent and excessive anger will lead to dishonesty in your relationships long term is a tool to help you choose the pause button.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE THOUGHTS

To adopt alternative responses we need to first understand that our thoughts drive our feelings. Identifying the thoughts that are associated with anger episodes is the first step to reclaiming control and choice. When we become conscious of the self-talk that precedes the anger, we can begin to build flexibility around those rigid thought patterns or core beliefs. We can draw out the thread of self-talk and engage in a meaningful dialogue with that narrative which underlies the anger. If we learn to tune in our inner worlds, anger can cue our attention toward a more vulnerable primary emotion like shame or fear that is the root cause of the anger. The Tree Metaphor (see image) is one I share with clients often to help them understand that our behavioral displays are the surface level defenses that we use to manage and hide our underlying emotional experience.

USING ANGER TO OUR BENEFIT

Suppressing anger is not a healthy alternative either; internalizing anger can lead to depression and deteriorate self-esteem. Therefore, we want to strive for the healthy middle ground where we are open to what anger wants us to pay attention to, but we aren’t carried away with angry behavior. Anger can be a very valuable emotion, in fact. It can alert us to important boundary violations. Anger tells us that we need to pay attention to our needs. When we, in turn, express ourselves respectfully to others, this feedback loop is working successfully.