Four Relational Pitfalls and Their Antidotes

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

I refer to John Gottman’s research around the four horsemen of the apocalypse to better the relational skills of my clients (mostly couples) and myself. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. All of us use one or several of these negative strategies in our interactions at some point. Gottman’s research found that the heavy presence of these behaviors will corrode a relationship by increasing negativity and distrust. These factors largely contribute to Gottman’s ability to predict whether a couple will stay together or separate after observing a couple’s communication for 15 minutes with 96% accuracy. These behaviors are that powerful and that indicative of relational success (Gottman, 2015).

How to use this information.

I will outline the four horsemen as well as their antidotes below. I encourage you to think about which of these are present in your communication with your partner. It may be tempting to identify what’s wrong with your partner first, but for the sake of this exercise, keep this focused on you. You have more agency and power in changing your own behavior than your partner’s. If you find this exercise resonates, perhaps you can encourage your partner to read through this blog post or refer to the resources I’ve shared below. Clients have the most success in using this information when they own which of the four horsemen they bring to their interactions.

The four horsemen in greater detail.

1) Criticism

This is a statement that expresses negative opinions or judgements about the other person. These statements generally target a person’s character or personality. Here are some examples: “You always forget to load the dishwasher. How are you so forgetful? I can tell you really don’t care about our home because you don’t clean up after yourself.” or “You’re always looking for an opportunity to leave me at home with the kids. You are selfish. Can’t you see I’m drowning?!”

The antidote for this is to turn your criticism’s into complaints. Complaints are more vulnerable, objective, and give your partner a way back in. A complaint starts with an I statement (“I’m feeling really stressed”) followed by an objective description of the situation (“when the kitchen is messy”) followed by a need or a preference (“can you start putting away your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?”)

2) Contempt

This suggests a superiority over someone else. This often disrespects others through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or scoffing. This is often the result of pent-up resentment or unaddressed negative thoughts. Couples who are stuck in contempt are at the highest risk of divorce and are at higher risk of developing colds and the flu (Gottman, 2015).

The antidote for contempt is building appreciation and respect back into the relationship. Look for moments to highlight your partner’s efforts and increase moments of appreciation. Also look for opportunities to show affection (think about love languages) towards your partner. What you pay attention to grows. Get into the habit of noticing the positive parts of your partner and then make this known. Words of appreciation can sound like, “Thank you for making me a cup of coffee this morning. That really saved me time.” or “I’m so grateful you’re my partner. Thank you for listening to me vent about work.”

We can find ourselves in a place of contempt if the bad outweighs the good. Gottman has found that for every negative interaction, you need 5 positive interactions to balance this out to feel healthy and happy in your relationship. Start monitoring this ratio and up the appreciation and affection if needed (Gottman, 2015).

3) Stonewalling

This occurs when we withdraw from our partner. This can look like walking away during mid conversation, shutting down, appearing busy, etc. This can result from receiving too much criticism or contempt to the point where we need to disengage. This can feel protective, but when we stonewall, we are inaccessible to our partner so we cannot address what’s wrong.

The antidote to this is taking some time away from your partner deliberately and responsibly. Ask for some space if you’re feeling overwhelmed and use the time to regulate your emotions. Do something soothing (take a walk, read a book, listen to music, engage in an activity that takes your mind off the moment) for at least 30 minutes. Do not stew on the hard conversation. When you return to your partner, you will be in a better place to listen and offer your own perspective in a respectful way.

4) Defensiveness

We generally engage in defensiveness in response to criticism. It sounds like not taking responsibility for our behavior and blaming our partner instead. Here are some examples: “You’re really angry with me? I would help around the house more if you weren’t so mean to me!” or “I’m not the only one who yells, you yell at me all the time!”

In both of these instances, there is no recognition of the other person’s experience, and it sounds like blame which escalates things further. The antidote is taking ownership for the part(s) of the statement that make sense and acknowledging your partner’s experience. It generally involves some curiosity and validating statements. For example, it might sound like this: “I can understand why you want me to help out around the house. What are you needing?” or “I do yell when we argue. I’m going to try to work on that.”

Prompts

After you have a grasp of what the horsemen are, consider the following prompts:

- Which of the four horsemen do I identify with?

- When do I notice myself using one/some of the four horsemen?

- How do my partner(s) or loved ones respond when I do this?

- What are my alternative responses?

- If I try to practice an alternative response, what will make this challenging?

- What will help me? What can I do to set myself up so I can choose an alternative response?

- If I use one of the four horsemen, and catch my behavior after the fact, how can I take accountability?

- What does that look like and sound like?

Resources:

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Brene with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last

Handout of the four horsemen and antidotes

References:

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hachette UK.

Let’s Talk about Gender Roles in Marriage

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The gender beliefs, attributions, and norms that we come to hold as individuals show up in the ways we structure our households and define our partner roles. Gender considerations tend to be at play, explicitly or implicitly, in the distribution of household labor and childcare, in career negotiations, in spousal spending power and in sexual satisfaction.

While some people hold firm, fixed beliefs on gender, others revisit and revise their beliefs across the life course. To be sure, a person’s ideology at any given point in time is a product of layer upon layer of influence: family, religion, culture, biology, and government to name a few. An important function of couples therapy is to unearth, to the level of consciousness, the ways that our attitudes toward gender and our gender role expectations in relationships have been informed by childhood conditioning and various social influences. This process leads partners to have a greater sense of agency over how they want roles to be assigned and responsibilities allocated. When couples avoid talking about these hidden forces, partners often slide into roles which are at odds with their beliefs (i.e. a progressive-minded individual finds themselves in a traditional role, or vice versa). Research has shown that the dissonance that one experiences when beliefs/values do not align with behavior often leads to both psychological and relational distress. The therapy process can help couples arrive at an explicit agreement about the kind of roles they want in their relationship or marriage.

Outlined below are the 3 most common models of marriage (among heterosexual couples). Use this as a framework to open discussion. It may help identify your current situation or clarify desired goals. (Note, these are generalized buckets; every couple is distinct and nuanced!) From Hamburg, S. R. (2001). Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

Traditional marriage: Husband earns the money and wife takes care of household and kids. They occupy “separate spheres”. Male-identity closely tied to provider status. Big difference in power between husband and wife. In this model, there is a clear definition of roles.

Egalitarian marriage: Both spouses view their respective income as collective and household responsibilities as shared. Couples view each other’s jobs as equal and necessary (regardless of income differentials) and earnings as “ours”. If there are kids, neither partner is automatically the primary caretaker. Both partners make whatever changes are necessary to work schedules/commitments to accommodate the kids needs. Requires coordination and negotiation as roles are not fixed.

Nontraditional marriage: Somewhere between traditional and egalitarian. Both partners work outside the home but the defining feature is the wife has the primary responsibility for the children. Husband helps with housework, but it is wife’s responsibility to “manage” it. For example, he may do the grocery shopping but she plans the meals, makes the list, and reminds him to go. More equal power balance but traditional role of mother as primary childcare provider is preserved. Can lead wife to experience a disproportionate feeling of a “second shift”.

Below are some questions to use as a starting template at home or with your therapist to explore how attitudes toward gender show up in relationships:

• How do you both negotiate the distribution of household management and labor? Are these decisions based on skills and interests? Are the decisions are based on relative earnings? On time availability?

• When one partner earns and the other does not (or makes less) what are the ways marital power is tied to income?

• Are rewards and demands fairly distributed in your marital relationship?

• Is unpaid work by a stay-at-home partner valued the same/differently than the way paid work is?

• Is there a balance between decision-making (i.e. scheduling travel for the holidays) and labor (packing the bags)?

• What is the load of invisible work (worrying, planning, processing) that each partner carries?

• In “post-gender” couples with egalitarian ideals, what factors determine who does what and how did you come to agree on these factors?

• What is each partners level of motivation to align on a “model” for their relationship?

• How similar or dissimilar are your current roles compared to what you witnessed in your parents’ roles growing up?

• What (if any) sources of pressure make you feel that you should conform to certain roles?

• Are there certain areas of labor distribution that are chronic sources of inflammation? (i.e. walking the dog. What have you tried to reduce conflict and what are some possible alternatives?

Role Reversal Exercise (Source: Prepare/Enrich): Plan a day or week when you can perform each other’s household responsibilities/schedule. This role reversal experiment will help you gain insight around each other’s responsibilities/routine and promote perspective turn-taking.

Conversations about the role of gender within relationships and households can be uneasy. Yet, leaning into the discomfort is likely to have a big payoff:  the process of listening to understand your partner and the process of collaborating on the household structure creates a vital sense of “we-ness” in the couple. It also promotes a sense of living out one’s values within the individual.

Love Languages

By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

We all give and receive love in different ways. However, many of us believe that once we’ve fallen in love and have partnered, we assume we’ve already mastered the ways to our partner’s heart. That, of course, may be true for some - yet, I sit with couples every week and continue to see the same dynamic in which both partners feel they are showing love, but neither of them feel themselves to be the recipient of that love. Both are trying, in their own way, and both are falling short.

Gary Chapman’s theory and approach to Love Languages tends to be a great entry point into this conversation, and one of the simplest ways to address the disconnect these couples are experiencing. His book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, helps to explain the importance of speaking and understanding your partner’s love language and vice versa. After years of clinical experience, he formulated five ways in which people tend to feel loved.

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Physical Touch

5. Gifts

Words of Affirmation

“Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.” (5LoveLanguages)

Quality Time

“In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.” - (5LoveLanguages)

Acts of Service

“Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.” (5LoveLanguages)

Physical Touch

“This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.” (5LoveLanguages)

Gifts

“Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.” (5LoveLanguages)

How do you use Love Languages?

We tend to rank one or two of these languages highest - which is a great indicator that these are our primary and secondary love languages. Within each of these ‘languages' there is a wide spectrum; Chapman describes it as having multiple dialects through which we express affection. This allows us to become creative in how we can show our partner love.

I tend to have my clients each take the quiz, (provided for free online) and first examine their own results. As with any online quiz - it is not perfect and sometimes the questions can feel a little black and white, BUT it does begin to help you think about what does feel good for me? What is meaningful and why? A little curiosity can go a long way; many of my clients have explored the ‘why’ behind their primary and secondary love languages and have realized that much of it comes from their families of origin, or what was deeply lacking in prior intimate relationships. (For example, someone whose primary love language is Quality Time may have grown up in a home where their parents were always busy, and they desperately wanted undivided quality time, OR, perhaps that was the primary way their parents showed them love and care, so that has become the clear sign and pathway to feeling loved.)

Then - after each member of the couple has their individual results (and some insight and understanding around them), I invite a conversation of sharing. Partner X, can you share your results and insights with your partner, and give examples that would be helpful. Partner Y, can you listen, reflect back what you are hearing, and ask your partner how you can become an expert in their language. (Remember, you can have the same primary love language as your partner, but a different dialect -- this means, physical touch might be important to both of you but sexual intercourse might be the most meaningful way to connect for one partner, and holding hands in public might be more important for the other. So, better to ask than assume!) And then, switch! Partner Y will share their results and insights, and Partner X will listen, reflect and probe for examples.

In my experience, the most important part of this entire process is follow through. Especially after this exercise, keep your ears and eyes open for the ways in which your partner is trying to use your love language. If your love language is Acts of Service, and you see that your partner filled up the car with gas - thank them. If physical touch is your language and your partner offered to give you a foot massage after a long day, or you’ve noticed them initiate more physical intimacy between you - tell them you appreciate them and their efforts to show you love.

As with any new habit or practice, we are far more likely to continue doing something (that may not be comfortable or ‘natural’ for us), if we see the positive impact of our actions. This practice can become an incredibly rewarding positive feedback loop of love, or it can stop after one attempt. The difference between those outcomes is vocal acknowledgment of your partner’s efforts and words of appreciation (even if they don’t hit the nail on the head on the very first go.) Even better, if you swiftly reciprocate by practicing their love language.

Deepening Your Listening with Validation

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

One of the most powerful and connecting tools I use in my personal life and in therapy is validation. Validation is the act of acknowledging and honoring someone’s experience. When done well, the speaker will feel seen and heard, and the listener will be taking in what the speaker intended. It’s very simple and very powerful. Without it, we run the risk bypassing someone’s experience, inserting our own spin on what’s happening (so dangerous), and can leave people feeling dismissed.

How do I use this?

Validation comes in a variety of forms listed below:

Reiterating what you’re hearing:

• “What I’m hearing you say is…”

• “It sounds like…”

• “So when X happened you felt Y.”

Giving non-verbals that indicate you’re present

• Head nods

• “Mm Hmms” or other sounds to indicate you’re tracking

• Eye contact

• Let your body lean in

Asking curious questions

• Tell me more about that.

• What was that like for you?

• What were you hoping would happen?

What challenges can I anticipate?

The number one fear around using validation is that validation equals agreeing with the speaker. And if the speaker’s experience is different than your own, why would you betray your own experience? Validation does not equal agreement. Validation is an acknowledgment of another person’s experience; Validation honors that someone has their own unique experience that may be similar or different from your own. There is always space for different experiences.

Additionally, you may be in the habit of waiting to talk versus listening to respond. It’s okay if this happens. This is such a familiar pull for all of us. Listening is hard. Take a deep breath when you notice this comes up. Take ownership for not taking in what the listener is saying. And ask for them to repeat what they said.

When should I do this?

As much as possible. This is especially helpful when a conversation gets heated or a conversation is hard. It will prevent the speaker and listener from rapid-fire responding. Rapid-fire responding is automatic which means you’re not listening, inserting what you think the other person thinks and feels, and will lead to fighting more times than not.

Reflection

Challenge yourself to incorporate validation into your daily life. If you do, ask yourself these questions:

-       How did people respond after I validated them? Is this different than what normally happens? If yes, how so?

-       What did it feel like to tune into someone else’s experience?

-       What makes this challenging to do? What makes this easy to do?

Three Tips for Finding Your Ideal Relationship

By Rachel D. Miller, MA, AMFT

If you’re in the dating game, I’m going to guess you have a list of things you’re looking for in your perfect mate. In fact, I will bet you have a few lists, even if they are just mental ones. The problem with these lists is too often they focus on qualities or characteristics that you either want or don’t want to be present in the individuals you date. You might want someone who is intelligent, well-groomed, has a good job or built like Jason Momoa. You may refuse to date someone who watches NASCAR, has poor hygiene, or is divorced. While I understand how and why we develop these lists, they fail to touch on the things that people truly want in and from a relationship. These lists might actually be keeping you from the person who could bring you the most relationship fulfillment.

When I work with individuals who feel like they just can’t win the dating game, I suggest they toss their lists. Instead I ask them to contemplate how they believe they would feel in a relationship that was deep and meaningful for them. I ask what would need to be present in the relationship, not the person, for them to feel safe, secure, and connected. This new “ideal relationship list” can be challenging so here are suggestions to get you started.

Start with what you don’t want.

Many find it easier to talk about what they don’t want rather than what they do in a relationship. After a few failed courtships, focusing on what to avoid rather than what to find feels like a more reliable endeavor. Mind set and focus can greatly impact your dating experience. When all the focus on is on making sure this new one isn’t like the last three bad ones you risk missing the potential positives.

This is an exercise I learned from Law of Attraction expert and author, Michael Losier. Whether you buy into all the hype around the Law of Attraction or think it’s bogus, this exercise repeatedly creates a shift for the singles and couples I see. Start by taking time to list the things you know you do not want in your ideal relationship. Then one by one, change the wording to figure out what you do want. For example, if you know that you don’t want a partner who takes you for granted, shift that to, “I want to be with someone who appreciates me.” This change in language may not seem like it would matter, but words have the power to change your day to day experiences and expectations. When you focus on what you’re looking for, rather what you’re trying to avoid it becomes easier to recognize it when it appears.

Examine the past.

As challenging as it can be to find the good in failed relationships, it is important to do so. It can be key to determining your needs. If your last partner was attentive and affectionate, even if only in the early stages, and that contributed to feeling loved and appreciated, you know those are things you desire in future relationships. Past relationships are incredible opportunities for learning and growth, if we choose to view them in that light.

Observe others.

We all have those couples we think are perfect. The ones we watch and say “I want what they have.” The question is, do you really? Do you know what it is about their relationship that you admire? I urge you to spend some time with those couples, observe and talk to them. Figure out what it is that makes them work or what they have that you feel you haven’t yet. You might be surprised at what you find.

No relationship is perfect, but we each have an ideal. If you don’t know what yours looks or feels like, how can you hope to find it? A partner can have all the qualities you think you’re looking for, but the relationship can still feel disconnected and unfulfilling. Get familiar with what you need and desire in a relationship. Know your ideal.

Strategies to Move Through a Breakup

View fullsize

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

Around Valentine’s Day, I’m reminded of beautiful ways we can honor our loving relationships, and I’m mindful of those who feel alone and hurt – particularly those who have recently ended relationships. Breakups are profoundly painful phases that drain our emotional and physical states, and they will most likely impact you at one point or another. The following list includes strategies to implement at any point during a breakup process. Incorporating some of these ideas will restore your energy and help you create a new normal.

1. Kindness

Do one good thing for yourself each day. This can range from a small gesture of kindness to something larger. Getting a special coffee from your favorite coffee shop, cooking yourself a nourishing and delicious meal, going to the movies, or getting a massage are some examples.

2. Connect with Your Greatest Support Systems

Set up time to see friends or family and schedule at least one or two of these get-togethers each week. This can be helpful for a few reasons. One, surrounding yourself with supportive connection can feel healing. Two, it gives you some structure in the week and forces you to get out into the world. There are open pockets of time that you and your past partner once spent together, and this is one way to fill that time meaningfully. If family and friends are far away, consider setting up phone calls or trips to see them.

3. Reflection

At times, you may want to create a list of reasons why the relationship didn’t serve you. Be honest with yourself about the ways this relationship impacted you. It’s normal to think of both good and bad impact.

If you are ready to take a step further in your reflection, notice the ratio of good to bad. Ask yourself if you had awareness of this picture while you were in this relationship and begin think of ways you can you build greater awareness going into your next relationship.

Reflection with this list can be particularly helpful if you hoping to get back together or stay apart.

4. Physical Movement

Go for a walk or try a new workout class. Joining a sports league or a weekly fitness class can not only help your body feel better but also add structure to your routine.

5. Distraction

Create a list of go-to, feel-good things when you have inevitable moments of emptiness. Think of activities you can do when you’re alone and activities you can do with friends or family. Moments of intense loneliness and pain can appear out of nowhere. A premeditated list of activities will give you options in moments where your thought energy is lacking.

3 Common Mistakes of Online Dating

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

A few years ago, Aziz Ansari came out with a book dedicated to understanding the world of online dating. Here are a few of the common online dating mistakes he outlines in Modern Romance:

1. Messaging too much before meeting

The only way to know if you truly connect with someone is to meet them face-to-face. The desire to continue texting to see if you’re a good fit is well-intentioned, however, it can cause you to lose interest in the person before actually meeting them, or them in you. It also cannot replace the first impression your brain makes when meeting someone. Send a few messages and then set up a time to meet.

2. Dismissing people too early

The seemingly endless options through dating apps are great, until they aren’t. Having too many options can actually cause us to become more picky or incapable of making a decision at all. We adopt the mindset that there is always someone better and the little quirks that we may have grown to appreciate in someone become the reason we swipe left. Rather than dismissing someone for a minor difference, try investing in a few dates before making the decision to call things off.

3. Ghosting

When we decide we are no longer interested in someone, there tends to be three options of breaking the news: pretending to be busy, saying nothing, or being honest. Out of the three options, saying nothing was agreed to be the least preferable option when on the receiving end, and being honest was the first. However, most people reported using the “pretending to be busy” option and the “saying nothing” option when they needed to break the news to someone. Silence, better known as ghosting, creates situations where people are no longer accountable for their part in interactions and self-doubt and frustration take over. Remember that there is another person on the other end of the screen and hold yourself accountable in your interactions.

Significantly Reduced Rate Therapy Sessions!

Rachel D. Miller

Focht Family Practice is now offering a unique opportunity to couples and families at a significant sliding scale fee! There is currently limited availability being offered with Rachel D. Miller, who is a doctoral student at Adler University. These sessions are required to be video recorded solely for the focus of educational purposes and are completely confidential and HIPPA compliant. To learn more, please complete the form on our Contact Page and add a note of interest in the message section.

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Part IV: Sex after baby.

Most of us have heard the age-old narrative that your sex life disappears after you have children. You are exhausted and sleep feels substantially more important than sex; perhaps your focus and intimacy is on the baby – not on each other; or, perhaps your body no longer feels desire or arousal the way it once did. No matter the reasons (and there are countless more), for some, it is a terrifying prospect that your once beloved sex life may be one of the casualties in the transition to parenthood.

There is good news: Your sex life does not have to disappear when you become a parent. It does, however, have to change and evolve for your new life and the new (very significant) constraints of having a baby. The key is to approach this change with care, curiosity and flexibility for yourself and your partner.

Let’s visit some of the significant constraints that new parents face in rebuilding their sexual relationship and therapeutic strategies you can use to address them:

1. Sleep Deprivation; This is perhaps the biggest reason that parents name when they discuss the difficulty in reigniting their sexual relationship, post baby. Especially if your child hasn’t begun to sleep in longer stretches, the idea of trading in precious sleep for sex is hard to imagine.

It’s also important to note that sleep deprivation and exhaustion can impact your hormone levels, increase anxiety and irritability, and has been associated with greater conflict between partners. It’s hard to imagine wanting to have sex or any type of physical intimacy when your sole focus is trying to maintain enough energy for a baby whose needs are continuous.

Strategy: Take turns with the night time feedings and early wake ups (if you can) so each of you can get some longer stretches. Offer support if you know your partner is especially tired. If you are breastfeeding, your partner can sit with you during a middle of the night feeding - even if he can’t “do” anything, his presence is important and signifies that you are a team. You may be sleep deprived, but you are exhausted together, and can see the experience as a bonding one. Sex might not be on the table at this point (it is likely you will want to wait until you have more energy) but building the foundation of your new co-parenting role can be incredibly intimate, and knowing you are a united front will ultimately translate into an easier transition towards physical intimacy when the time is right. (There is nothing that will put you in the mood less than fighting with your partner about who is more tired. So, try to stay on the same team and avoid the rabbit hole of sleep resentment.)

2. Hormonal impact; the hormonal impact on your postpartum body can be very significant. Many women report feeling like they’re on an emotional roller coaster in the first few weeks and months after giving birth. (Read more about the signs and impact of postpartum depression and anxiety here.)

Breastfeeding mothers are producing a hormone called prolactin, while necessary for lactation, it is also responsible for lowering libido. Breastfeeding mothers bodies often suppress ovulation and their lower estrogen levels impact cervical mucus. Vaginal dryness may be an issue – causing sexual intercourse to be less enjoyable and even painful. If that wasn’t enough, breastfeeding also lowers female testosterone, which contributes to overall decreased libido. Source

Strategy: Talk to your doctor or therapist about concerns if you notice signs of postpartum depression or anxiety in yourself or your partner. If you are ready to have sex but it feels unpleasant, you can use a water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness and consult with your doctor for other alternatives. Most of all, remember what your body went through; give it time, and communicate if you are in pain. Share with your partner what you know about the shift in your hormones and the potential impact that may have on your libido. This will help create an environment of openness and help him or her understand that your lack of arousal may not be about them at all (they will likely have their own beliefs and reasons for why this is happening.)

3. Mismatched needs & expectations; This bullet point could be the topic of an entire book. Childbirth in couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) is entirely one-sided for a period of time. The parent who gives birth will inherently bear the burden in a different way, and if she breastfeeds, that one sidedness can continue for months (or years) postpartum. All this to say, that especially in heterosexual couples, fathers may have a difficult time understanding the multitude of changes happening in his partner’s mind and body. These factors impact desire and arousal, and it may cause frustration and confusion between partners that there has been a significant change in the couples’ sex life and perceived desire for one another.

Strategy:  Talk about expectations with one another; so much of this chapter requires an open, honest dialogue about what is happening for each of you. Many partners may make assumptions about the reason for the changes in their sex lives; without asking your partner what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically, you may be completely missing the mark (and missing an opportunity to help.)

If this topic feels particularly fraught or scary, I’ve listed a number of resources at the bottom of the post that you and your partner can look to and, you can always schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or sex therapist to better understand and process the new sexual dynamics in your relationship.

4. Body insecurity, low self-esteem and not feeling sexy; Women – you just did something miraculous: you grew a human life inside of you for the better part of a year, and then went through a significant medical event in order to deliver the child. Your body went through a trauma and you may not be feeling your best, or look the way you did prior to your pregnancy.

In our current medical model, women have a 6 week postpartum check up (after a vaginal birth) in which, if everything is ok, they can be “cleared” to have sex with their partner. OBGYNs often hear their patients begging for more time, asking for a medical excuse to postpone this event, while many fathers are waiting anxiously for the green light.

Strategy: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready at that point to jump back in the saddle; be gentle with your body and yourself. You may need more time to heal than a 6-week window. Take it slow and do what you need to do in order to feel your best. That can be anything from making sure you take a shower each morning, to putting on some makeup, to making sure you go for a walk outside and feel the fresh air, and drinking enough water each day. Self care looks different for each of us.

5. Overwhelmed by the new workload & lack of time; There are only so many hours in a day. Those hours are significantly decreased when you take on a newborn feeding schedule, or are chasing a baby around. Your free time feels virtually non-existent, and it can feel like there is a never-ending mountain of work (both domestic and professional) that builds. These stressors can act as a “brake” to halt sexual arousal and desire (Nagowski). If our minds are always thinking about what needs to get done or how stressed we are, we will likely have a much more difficult time transitioning to a sexy mindset.

Strategy:  If we know our sexual drive and desire is negatively correlated with stress levels, this can be an opportunity to our partners not to complain about the lack of sex, but to ask – “what do you need help with?”

Parents need to practice self-care in order to be able to think about accessing desire for their partner. Often, this means lightening the load for your partner so they can have time to get back to themselves, and momentarily step out of mommy or daddy mode. Give them some time to see their friends (and get out of the house), to exercise (increased blood flow increases libido), and make sure you both are hydrated and fed (you need energy to have sex.)

Another helpful strategy for some is to schedule sex. For the partners who would like to increase the frequency in their sex lives but struggle to find the time in their schedules, try planning ahead. Either create a sexy calendar invite for your partner to let them know you are thinking about them, or have a standing date/time that you can connect physically. This requires a regular check in to make sure expectations are clear and flexibility with changing schedules. (For example, sending a text mid-day for your weekday “sexy time” to ask if your partner is still interested and committed to the plan for the evening. This not only helps avoid disappointment if things change, but can also help to build anticipation as the day goes on.)

6. Relying on baby for intimacy; This is a common trap for many new parents, especially new moms. As mentioned above, there is an evolutionary “one sidedness” to childbirth that is much more pronounced in the first months and year of a child’s life. Mothers often find themselves with longer parental leave to bond with the baby, and may choose to breastfeed, which requires nearly constant touch and necessary attunement with a baby’s feeding schedule.

This bonding is incredibly special, and it can be all consuming. This connection can feel so intense and magical that it begins to replace your partner’s intimacy. This quote from Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, describes this phenomenon beautifully:

“Children are indeed a source of nurturance for adults. Their unconditional love infuses our lives with a heightened sense of meaning. The problem arises when we turn to them for what we no longer get from each other: a sense that we’re special, that we matter, that we’re not alone. When we transfer these adult emotional needs onto our children, we are placing too big a burden on them” (Perel; Kerner & Raykeil, p. 50)

Strategy: Make time for your connection outside of baby. As a couple, you need to build your reservoirs of connection physically, but also emotionally and intellectually. Sometimes date night can be just for that – for connecting, talking, laughing, eating. You can even try a “no baby” rule on date night - talk about anything but the baby. Remember how and why you connected before you became parents. Another favorite tip about date night from Esther Perel!

(Side note about date night: It can be hard to feel sexy and in the mood after a full meal, late at night. Be clear about how you’re feeling and help to differentiate between date nights and sex. If you wait for sex only on date night, it may be a while, and it can heighten the pressure around the evening.)

This list of constraints and strategies is obviously not exhaustive, and quite honestly just scratches the surface of this topic. I focused mostly on parents who are transitioning to parenthood for the first time, with one child and many of the strategies are “mother-centric”. Below are additional resources that I’ve found incredibly helpful and normalizing for couples in this stage of their transition to parenthood.

Additional Resources:

•      Love in the Time of Colic, Ian Kerner & Heidi Raykeil
•      How not to Hate your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn
•      And Baby Makes Three, John & Julie Gottman
•      Becoming Us, Elly Taylor
•      Come As You Are, Emily Nagowski

Five Benefits to Premarital Counseling

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

You’re engaged! Congrats! Looking at your ever-growing list of wedding planning tasks, take a moment to consider adding premarital counseling to the top. Here are five benefits to completing premarital counseling with your partner before saying “I do.”

1.     Identifying potential future problem areas

Premarital counseling delves into topics most couples don’t usually think too much about before tying the knot. Questions such as, “How much input do you want from your in-laws about raising your kids?”, “Do you view debt as a shared or separate responsibility?”, “What feels fair for division of household chores?”, “How much time do you each need alone versus together?”, allow couples to begin talking about their differences, and potential areas of disagreement. Talking about how you’re going to handle your finances now, before you are fighting about how the money is being spent, allows for greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings. The more information you have about potential problem areas, the more proactive you and your partner can be about managing them.

2.     Improving communication in the now

Premarital counseling is an great opportunity to address any communication issues you and your partner have now, before they become set in stone and more difficult to change later. Learning how to share your emotions, listen to your partner, take accountability, and ask for your needs are difficult things to do. Premarital counseling provides tools to do so more effectively without blaming and hurting the other person.

3.     Setting up relationship expectations

We all have expectations about relationships and about marriage. Unfortunately, we often don’t know what those expectations were until they are not met. Talking openly about your expectations in premarital counseling allows for you and your partner to co-create your marriage expectations together and establish a shared sense of understanding and commitment.

4.     Discussing short and long term goals

Planning the future with your partner needs to go a few steps further than just the wedding. Premarital counseling provides the space to discuss both short and long term goals, making ideas about the future more concrete and tangible. It also provides an opportunity to discuss ways to reach those goals and move forward as a team.

5.     Learning new things about each other

Amazingly, there is always more to learn about your partner. Premarital counseling provides a unique opportunity for you and your partner to learn and grow together. It cultivates curiosity and a sense of adventure, establishing a positive foundation for you and your partner to embark from.

Braving the Wilderness: A Mini Review

View fullsize

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

I recently read Braving the Wilderness, Dr. Brené Brown’s newest book on the quest for true belonging in an era of emotional disconnection and political toxicity. I have long been a fan of Dr. Brown’s work; I try to reread her books Daring Greatly and Rising Strong every chance I get, and I am constantly recommending them to both clients and friends alike. I had very high hopes for her newest work, and let me tell you, it surpassed even my incredibly high expectations.

Here is a mini-review of the book, including reasons for its potency and relevance, and some of my favorite takeaways.

Brown explores to the rise of disconnection in our communities. She sees that our political parties have become gangs that leave no room for dissent amongst us. Perhaps more importantly, if we stay inside these bunkers, we lose the ability to connect with those on the outside. We are the most separated and siloed we have ever been, and despite being surrounded by the people who (likely) share our political beliefs, we are also the most lonely, isolated and disconnected we have ever been. So, while we may be gathered under the same bunkers of political ideology, we are really still alone.

Rather than continuing to stay in our bunkers and stonewalling (or fighting) with anyone who has a different belief than ours, Brown encourages us to learn to stand in the wilderness and begin to have the hard and painful conversations. Only through these moments of real connection can we better belong to ourselves and to one another.

To do this with any sort of success, Brown provides practices and tools that are meant to help us step into and become, what she calls “the wilderness”, both rooted deeply in our beliefs and integrity, and courageous enough to open ourselves to those around us even if we know it might not be popular opinion. We must choose courage over comfort and learn to embrace vulnerability. Both vulnerability and joy are the keys to true belonging.

Here are her tips for braving the wilderness:

• Boundaries: Set/Hold/Respect them. The challenge is letting go of being liked and the fear of disappointing.
• Reliability: Do not over commit or overpromise to please others or prove yourself.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• Accountability: Issue meaningful apologies. Let go of blame and stay out of shame.
• Vault: Share only what is yours to share. Stop using gossip to hotwire a quick connection with someone.
• Integrity: Choose courage over comfort. Practice living in your values.
• Generosity: Be honest and clear with others about what is ok and what is not.

Brown masterfully provides both research findings and anecdotes to better explain and unpack how these tools show up in our daily lives and why they are so integral to true belonging. One of my favorite sections from the book was a practice called: Hold Hands with Strangers.

She teaches that collective joy and pain are the cornerstones of human connection; “seek out moments of collective joy and show up for collective pain.” These are the moments that reinforce our human connection, such as concerts, sporting events and even movies where there is a palpable force of love and connection in the audience. Have you ever felt an experience of collective joy? For me, singing songs arm in arm with my best friends at my childhood summer camp triggers those memories. Even the joy I experienced at a Beyoncé concert, singing and dancing with strangers who loved her the same way I do. They were moments that, although maybe silly, made me feel hopeful about the goodness of people.

Moments of collective pain, such as funerals, or sitting with a friend who is grieving or hurting, are profoundly important - albeit much more difficult and uncomfortable. We need both.

Brown shares a study that examined the impact of collective assembly. The findings showed that these experiences “contribute to a life filled with sense of meaning, increased positive affect, increased sense of social connection, and decreased sense of loneliness. All essential components of a happy healthy life.” The best part is, they have a lingering effect; we hold onto these positive feelings past the events themselves.

Even since the rise of social media in the last decade, we have become simultaneously more connected and more isolated and lonely. Brown’s ultimate message resonates with me very deeply - if we want true, authentic belonging in this world, we first have to know who we are, what roots us and only then, can we turn outwards and engage with our friends and communities from a place of curiosity, vulnerability and shared humanity.

There are countless pieces of wisdom in this book, from conflict transformation tools to parenting advice, and its message could not be more important or relevant for our world today. So, pick up a copy - (and then talk to someone about it, in person!)

Back From the Honeymoon.....Now What?

By Karen Focht, LMFT

There is so much time and energy that goes into planning a wedding.  Although this process can be stressful, it also comes with feelings of excitement and exhilaration.  After all of those countless hours of planning your big day comes and goes in a matter of moments! 

Through both my personal and professional experience over the years, I have seen the joyful heightened state of a couple experiencing their wedding and honeymoon, and then the quick jolt back into the reality of day to day life.  How do we keep that sweet honeymoon glow as we transition back to life as a now married couple?  Here are a few tips to consider.

1.     Tap into new interests:  Make a list with your partner to identify new interests to peruse together as a couple.  This could include a class on cooking, knife skills or improve, just to name a few.

2.     Get connected to other strong couples:  Creating a positive support network which includes other couples can strengthen your relationship’s foundation and offer additional support through challenging times that may come up in the future. 

3.    Explore your city:  Create time out of the ordinary with one another.  Visit a museum, check out a new hotspot, or spend time outdoors in your neighborhood. 

4.     Check In:  Carve out intentional time each week to sit down and connect around your relationship.  What are your strengths as a couple?  What are the challenges you face and how can you work together to improve upon these challenges?

5.     Seek additional support:  Therapy is not only important through the challenging times, but can also be tremendously helpful to continue to strengthen relationships while they flourish. 

3 Relationship Resolutions to Reconnect with your Partner in the New Year

View fullsize

By Rachel D. Miller MA, AMFT

It’s that time of year again. Television, radio, and social media are plastered with ads for gyms, weight loss programs, dating sites, and a myriad of products to help you quit whatever bad habit you have resolved to give up this year.

“New year, new you!” has been January’s motivational mantra for decades. For those in committed relationships, this may not be the best approach to New Year’s resolutions. As Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), points out in her book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, “Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on individual goals, that many abandon before the end of January. Why not make this the year that you add relationship resolutions to your annual list? Ensuring a safe, loving, deep connection with your partner, may just be the thing you need to bring out the best in yourself in the coming year. Here a few suggestions to get you started.

1.     Start couples therapy. Therapy isn’t just for times of crisis. It’s actually a great way to take a proactive approach to your relationship and strengthen your connection.

2.     Refocus on prioritizing, improving, or expanding your sex life. A great sex life is an integral part of a satisfying relationship, but it rarely happens spontaneously, or without intent. Fun ways to do this might include attending a class or workshop at your local adult novelty store, setting up weekly sex dates (yes, planed sexual encounters can still be fun and satisfying), or exploring erotic literature or mutually pleasurable porn together.

3.     Create a book club with your partner. Whether you choose books on relationships, sex, or just share the latest fiction best sellers, reading the same book promotes intentional, planned conversations that do not revolve around things like bills, chores, kids, or work. Some of my personal favorites, if you need a place to start are:

·      Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

·      The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

·      Come as you are by Emily Nagoski, Phd

·      The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD & Nan Silver

·      Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

·      Attached by Amir Levine, MD & Rachel S. F. Heller, MA

Sharing experiences, meaningful conversations, and physical intimacy create opportunities for connection and closeness. When we feel securely attached to our partners, and our relationships becomes our safe space, we are better equipped to handle the stresses and challenges life will undoubtedly throw our way, and become our best selves. Make this year different. Focus your energy on a “new us” to help you be successful in your quest for a “new you.”

Keep Calm and Fight Fair

View fullsize

BY CAITLIN NELSON, AMFT

Every couple will experience conflict in their relationship, no matter how happy they are together. Research done by John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that 69% of conflict in relationships is about unresolvable, perpetual problems based on differences between partners (Gottman). They also found that stable couples experience 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction, while that ratio for unstable couples is 0.8:1. So what does this information tell us about conflict in relationships? Simply put, conflict is inevitable and manageable. So let’s learn how to manage it!

Step one to learning how to manage conflict is identifying that you are angry. Often before we can even recognize that we are angry, our bodies already know. Our heart is beating faster, our thoughts are racing, our muscles are tense, our faces are red - we are physiologically activated. Pay attention to these sensations, as they are your body letting you know you’ve reached your emotional threshold. Aka your point of no return.

Once you are able to identify that you are angry, it’s time to learn how to calm yourself back down. Why? Because reaching your emotional threshold puts you on auto-pilot, meaning you lose your ability to choose your reaction to your partner. This means that any chance of having a productive conversation is lost. If you want to hear and be heard, you need to come back to a calm state. You can do this by taking a few good deep breaths or by taking a walk (if leaving is agreed to be non-threatening by both partners).

Once you have gotten yourself feeling a little calmer, it’s time for some self-reflection. Try and identify what caused your anger. Were you feeling misunderstood, judged, blamed, hurt? These are the feelings to share with your partner. It’s easier to connect when we share softer emotions, rather than our harsh anger. In order to share those softer emotions with your partner, you need to agree upon a time and place to try again. Check in about a good time to revisit the conversation. Lastly, remind yourself that you and your partner are on a team, that there are positives to your partner and your relationship with them. This will help you soften more towards your partner, rather than revamping your side of the argument.

Ok, so now you’re calm and you’ve established a time to try again. Here are a few things to try when sharing your perspective with your partner.

 DO use “I-Statements.” These are statements that share your feelings in a non-accusatory way and propose a solution. They are the opposite of “you-statements,” which place our partner on the defense and assign blame.

You-statement : “You are always so inconsiderate! Why can’t you just come home when you say you will?!”

I-Statement : I feel anxious when I haven’t heard from you when you’re out. Could we set up a check-in system?

DON’T assassinate your partner’s character. This escalates the conflict and gets you farther away from sharing your perspective and working towards resolution.

DON’T call your partner names. This escalates the conflict and puts your partner on the defensive.

DON’T use the words always or never. This derails the conversation and allows more opportunity for further debate.

DO continue taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. This keeps you in control of your reactions and further away from your emotional threshold.

If you can begin implementing some of these tactics, your ability to manage conflict within your relationship will continue to become more and more effective, and easier to do consistently.

Languages of Love

View fullsize

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on the desire to let our partner know we care, to show them love, and the frustrating difficulty we can have doing so. We can put out our best effort and still be heartbreakingly disappointed when our partner does not respond the way we expected. What we often don’t realize is that our partner may not receive love or affection in the same way we prefer to express it. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, explains this difference in what he has coined “love languages,” and highlights the importance in being able to speak your partner’s love language. He lays them out as follows:

1.     Words of Affirmation : Verbal compliments and appreciations

2.     Quality Time : Spending undivided and undistracted time together

3.     Receiving Gifts : Tangible, visible symbols of thoughtfulness

4.     Acts of Service : Utilizing action to demonstrate love

5.     Physical Touch : Needing touch to feel loved and valued

Chapman goes on to discuss that we all have a primary love language and a secondary love language, and that similar to spoken language, love languages all have multiple dialectics through which to express affection. This is where we get to be creative with how we show our partner love! There is no “right way” to love our partner within their love language. What’s important is holding a curiosity for how your partner receives love. If their primary love language is physical touch, do they prefer cuddling before bed, or quick hugs throughout the day? Get to know the way your partner receives love and strive to implement their language as a new practice in your relationship!

The more we can love our partners in the way they receive love, rather than they way we receive love, the less likely it is that we will be disappointed when we express our love.

Take this short quiz to identify your primary and secondary love languages and share your results with your partner! : http://www.5lovelanguages.com

*These love languages are applicable in all relationships in our lives, not simply romantic ones.