The Science of Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Clients are often skeptical when I suggest that choosing to cultivate and listen to an inner voice of self-compassion will move them closer to their goals. They are especially skeptical when I tell them that this is proven to work much better than listening to their harsh inner self-critic.

I fully understand their reaction. Their skepticism surfaces because what I am telling them feels counter-intuitive. Logic tells us that if we push ourselves, we’ll work harder. If we’re kind to ourselves, clients ask me “won’t I get lazy?”

Thankfully we have research to answer this question for us. Research shows us that self-criticism undermines motivation. Here’s why.

We have a reptilian brain that evolved to keep us safe from threats. When we criticize ourselves we activate our body’s fight or flight response system. This means our bodies become flooded with the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline to ready us for action against a threat. Someone who is constantly judging and criticizing themself experiences high levels of stress. At a certain point it becomes too much: the body and brain have to shut down. This shut down is depression. And depression is not a motivational state of mind. We become the attacker and the attacked all in one.

Thankfully, we are also mammals. And a key feature of being a mammal is the early attachment between mother and infant that creates a safe nurturing environment to grow. Our bodies and brains are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we give ourselves compassion, we activate the mammalian caregiver system which releases feel-good hormones oxytocin and opiates. When we give ourselves compassion we reduce our cortisol levels. And, when we feel safe and comforted, we are in our optimal mind state to do our best.

References:

Ted Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff

“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff (Harper Collins, 2011)

“Good Morning I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro (Sounds True Press, 2020)

Reparenting Yourself: An Overview

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

Reparenting yourself is an approach to healing that is rooted in inner child-type work. This takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself!

The first task is seeing that we were deserving of love, support, encouragement, etc. from caregivers when we were younger. Think about a younger version of yourself who was really going through a tough time. Imagine them sitting next to you. If you asked them what they need, what would they say? Would they be able to name a caregiver who fulfills these needs?

The second task is recognizing that our caregiver(s) were flawed humans and for whatever reason were not able to give those things to us. Deep down you may have been longing all this time for a parental figure you never got; one you may not ever be able to have because it simply is not possible for them. Over time, we develop schemas about the world, other people, and ourselves.

Examples of negative schemas:

“My father was unreliable so ALL men can’t be trusted”

“I am hard to understand, so I am hard to love”

“When I’m not perfect, I don’t have value. I need to work as hard as possible at everything I do”

“My needs aren’t as important as others’, so I have to do everything for everyone else before doing anything for myself”

These thoughts may have provided a sense of safety and security in our youth, but as fully developed people, they no longer serve us in that way.

The third task of this (my favorite part) is being able to intentionally give ourselves the things that we’ve been craving. As adult, you are likely dealing with the same unmet needs from childhood. NOW you have the agency to choose or ask for support in meeting those needs. Reparenting yourself means you can select reparative experiences for yourself that make you feel good or help you grow.

Some examples of reparenting may be:

• A person who grew up desiring more physical affection from loved ones may surround themselves with friends who are consistently consensually affectionate.

• Someone who wanted more encouragement or validation growing up may find it healing to practice positive self-talk and affirmations in the mirror.

• A child who grew up feeling constantly unsafe may find peace in the ability as an adult to choose a home or neighborhood that makes them feels safe.

Parents: I am not blaming you. An adult child reparenting themselves does not mean you failed. Maybe there were times where you were (for any reason really) unable to give them what they expected and needed from you. I’d be willing to bet that you yourself have unmet needs from your own childhood. This is an intergenerational cycle that you can choose to interrupt. It’s never too late to reparent yourself! You’ve been yearning for things for far too long now and you deserve to give them to yourself!

Extras/Resources:

Article by Bryce Godfrey on impacts of unmet needs and some specifics about how to reparent yourself

YouTube video by Katie Morton, LMFT that provides an overview of reparenting using yourself and/or a therapist

Book by Yong Kang Chan provides a more in-depth look at the process of reparenting

Mindfulness and Communication: A Powerful Combination

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness is a technique in which one focuses their full attention only on the present moment, experiencing thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgement. When we communicate with others, often our minds wonder to other things going on such as what we want to say next, what we want to do later that day, or what we want to eat for dinner. Mindfulness keeps us in the present moment and fully engaged in a conversation, while allowing thoughts and feelings to pass through. Without being mindful, we often are not fully responding or communicating in a thoughtful way. This can often lead to arguments or disagreements with a partner for example, if they are feeling unheard or misunderstood. Being mindful allows the other person to feel listened to, understood, prioritized, and overall valued. Mindfulness also can strengthen a relationship and bring people closer together when both individuals can put their devices down, focus on what is happening right in front of them, and fully connect.

What we all say is important, and we want to feel that the person we say those things to feels the way we do. We want to be shown that we matter, and our opinions, thoughts, and feelings also matter. We can prove that importance by exhibiting curiosity and asking questions as a result of being completely present and focused on what the other person is saying. If you notice that staying in the present moment in conversations or in general is often difficult, and that your mind strays away from the present moment, then consider practicing meditation or yoga. Both are great “exercises” to learn and adopt better mindfulness-based skills. Allow yourself the opportunity to see the powerful combination of mindfulness and communication in your everyday conversations and relationships.

Lets talk seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

As the seasons change I think there is often a large range of mixed emotions. Excitement for the fall foliage, switching to cozy sweaters and candles, and those crisp mornings. Sadness for the loss of summer nights, perfect beach days and rooftop restaurants. Anxiety for what winter will bring - coldness and darkness. These are just a couple, among many more emotions that come up as we move into the colder months. While there is nothing that can be done about the weather changing, there are some tips and tricks that can be implemented to try and keep that seasonal depression or winter scaries away.

1. Bright light therapy - there are a lot of different options for this, but using artificial light can help your circadian rhythm stay regular. Using this for 20-30 minutes a day can help alleviate some of the symptoms of SAD.

2. Therapy - having someone to talk to during these difficult months can help alleviate some of the depressive symptoms you may experience.

3. Socialize regularly - the cold weather can make us not want to go out, so maybe plan to have a night in with some friends. Try planning something social at least once a week, even if it is just a facetime with a friend to catch up and hold yourself accountable.

4. Move your body - exercise has been shown to help alleviate symptoms of depression and improve mood overall. If you can’t exercise outside due to weather try joining a gym, borrowing a friend’s peloton, or even lifting some weights at home - there are a lot of free online classes available now.

5. Get enough vitamin D - this is something we get naturally from the sun in the Summer, but the winter months it is harder for our bodies to get enough of. Consider booking a trip somewhere tropical or talk to your doctor about adding a supplement to your daily routine. Either way, make sure you are getting enough!

Try to get ahead of the winter blues this year and make a plan for how to combat any symptoms you know you usually experience.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

A Case to be (a little more) Selfish

By Sasha Taskier, AFMT

The word selfish has such a negative connotation. From a young age, we are taught not to be ‘selfish’ – we are taught to share, to be generous, to even sometimes put others’ needs before our own. While all of these lessons remain important, and are a part of the recipe for harmonious and reciprocal relationships, I have to ask: have we taken it too far? Have we gotten stuck in a cycle of putting everyone and everything before ourselves?

Recently, I’ve been hearing more and more from clients, family, and friends just how exhausted they are. Exhausted by their work, by their social calendars, and by the expectations they’ve put upon themselves to be stellar employees, parents, friends, and partners. We’ve put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to show up in these roles, and while I absolutely believe these efforts are meaningful and worthwhile, how long before we are trying to pour from an empty cup?

When I suggest to my clients that perhaps they need to focus a bit more on themselves, it is often met with resistance; “but, I have no time” or, “I know it’s bad, but this is just a difficult time of year” or, “I honestly have no idea what that would even look like.” I would be lying if I said I couldn’t identify with every one of those excuses, because they are true! We do have a litany of obligations; we do have friends and family depending on us; we do have impossible work schedules that make the idea of a regular exercise routine seemingly comical. And yet, I wonder, how far are we willing to push ourselves? And, more importantly, to what cost?

How can we be the stellar employees, friends, parents and partners we strive to be if we are running on fumes? How on earth can we respond to each other with compassion and patience when our reserves are diminished? I like to think about an electrical outlet – envision the many things plugging into you for energy: your families, your job, your home, even, maybe your pet… but what do you plug into? What is your energy source (and how often are you using it)?

Organizational psychologist and author of Grounded: How Leaders Stay Rooted in an Uncertain World, Bob Rosen states: “When you take care of yourself first, you show up as a healthy, grounded person in life…If you can’t take care of yourself, then you can’t care for others. Being selfish is critical.” So, while perhaps an unpopular perspective – maybe we can encourage ourselves to be a little more selfish, not only as a necessity for our own well-being, but also as a service to those we love most.

Here are a few ideas and exercises to think about on this topic:

• Write down 20 things that you love to do. No specific order, no right or wrong answers, just jot down 20 things that make you happy. (For example, reading a novel, taking a yoga class, traveling internationally, having dinner with friends, exploring new neighborhoods, walking the dog, etc.) Then, write next to each item, when the last time you actually did that activity (days/weeks/months/years). It can be a glaring exercise to realize that we haven’t engaged in activities that bring us joy in months or even years. [Activity adapted from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron]                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
• What can you say ‘NO’ to this week, (or this month)? Sometimes things that are supposed to bring us joy – like seeing friends, or going out for dinners etc., bring us more stress than we realize. We are so accustomed to saying ‘yes!’ to invitations and expectations, but what if we chose just one thing and said no rather than yes. Barricade yourself at home for the evening, (or in a happy, relaxing place) and play hooky.                                                                                                               
• Engage in service. This might seem counterintuitive – but if you have ever spent time sitting with someone who is ill, or serving food in a soup kitchen, or volunteering at an animal shelter, you know – there are few things more energizing than giving back to those who truly need your help. Not only is giving back good for our communities, but it is good for our spirit. You can search for volunteer opportunities at chicagocares.org.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
• Take 10 minutes for yourself. Whether it is walking to get yourself a coffee in the middle of the work day, or setting your alarm a bit earlier to sit quietly or stretch first thing – this tiny exercise in slowing down, can help us towards a more mindful reset.                                                                 
• Plan something indulgent. While we can’t necessarily treat ourselves to a getaway or a massage every day, or even every month – there is research that suggests that the ‘build up’ and excitement for planning a trip is even more enjoyable than the trip itself. So, maybe begin to plan that trip you’ve wanted to take; savor the entire process. [Source]

New Years Resolutions

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

“The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”

— Melody Beattie

As the New Year approaches, I keep thinking about sitting down to write a lofty list of resolutions and intentions for 2017. The list sometimes feels endless: I want to break my sugar addiction. I want to heal relationships in my life that have gone unattended, or that have had conflict. I want to expand my gratitude practice. I want to find creative ways to give to causes I care about … I could go on and on about ways I want to feel better and be better in 2017.

People usually fall into two ‘camps’ of making resolutions: those who love to make lists, set goals and who find resolutions to be useful and empowering and those who feel like resolutions are a total waste of time, and usually set them up for disappointment or failure. (Of course, there is the secret third camp, those of us who are so exhausted from the year and so busy during the holiday season that the idea of sitting down to think about New Years resolutions is just not going to happen.)  

There is no denying that there is immense power in setting intentions. You can read about it in: ‘the power of your mind and setting intentions’ and ‘five steps to setting powerful intentions’. And, while I believe there is greatness in striving to be a better version of ones self, sometimes we’re not quite ready when the New Year rolls around. In fact, certain neuroscience research suggests that spreading out resolutions over time is the best recipe for success. No need to do it all at once!

A few tips for achieving your goals and making them more meaningful–

1.     Think about what you need more of this year. Talk about it with your therapist, your spouse and your friends. What brings you joy? What brings you peace? What combats your depression and/or anxiety? What is something you’ve wanted to tackle but haven’t gotten to yet? Start to make a list that serves you.

2.     Be specific with your goals. What does ‘getting in shape’ mean to you? What does it mean to ‘be healthier’? Choose specific things that you can stick to – like, practicing yoga twice a week, or finishing 3 water bottles every day.

3.     Measure progress. Perhaps this means writing down your progress in a journal, tracking it in an app, or creating milestones that you can use to track your progress. This feedback loop, hopefully, can act as a source of motivation.

4.     Share your intentions. Holding yourself accountable, in a more public way doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops. You can share it with your friends, family, and/or therapist – and ask them to help support you in achieving a specific goal.

5.     Be patient and kind to yourself. This is hard stuff. We are all mere mortals. Be gentle, and remember that progress is not always a straight line, it can be forward, backwards and zig zagged.

There is a very tricky balancing act between pushing yourself to be better each year and being able to be gentle with yourself and remember, ‘I am enough – no matter what I do or don’t accomplish this year, I am enough.’ At the end of the day, no matter how much we achieve, if there isn’t some self-love attached to that self-motivation, it’s all for naught. (I love this manifesto by Jennifer Pastiloff)

So, to those of us who feel ready to tackle our intentions before the New Year, have at it! To those of us who set intentions and then slip up on the second day of the year, it’s ok. Mistakes do not mean that your intentions no longer count, or that you’ve failed. Keep going. And, to those of us just hanging on by a thread at the end of 2016: take a break; enjoy the holidays, catch up on your sleep, and reclaim your self-care. There is no reason you have to write your resolutions before January 1st, 2017. There is no rule that says you cannot write resolutions (or re-write them) in February, March, April, May, June, …or any other month of the year for that matter.

Perhaps you can keep this proverb in your back pocket and remember:

‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’ (Anonymous)

With that, wishing you a new year filled with motivation, love, care and peace.

Here are a few articles for inspiration for getting started & additional resources:

Self-compassion

Daily Resolutions

Ideas for resolutions

Resolutions from real people