Recognizing PTSD and the Path to Recovery

BY BREE MINGER, AMFT

As we honor those who have served and continue to serve this Veterans Day, it is important to discuss a diagnosis that impacts many people, especially veterans. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, commonly referred to as PTSD, impacts about 6% of the U.S. population. The disorder is even more likely to impact veterans. According to the Department of Veteran Affairs, 23% of veterans using VA healthcare will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. PTSD is much higher among veterans using VA healthcare because every veteran is screened for PTSD. Not every veteran uses VA healthcare, and many circumstances for civilians can result in PTSD; therefore, there are likely many people struggling with PTSD and going unnoticed in civilian healthcare. A friend or family member of yours may be grappling with symptoms of PTSD, regardless of military service.

What To Look For

Deployment, intense accidents, sexual assault, natural disaster, death of a loved one and countless other situations can result in PTSD symptoms for veterans and civilians. Symptoms can have lasting impacts on mental health, relationships and lifestyle. Here is what to look for: 

1. Intrusions: Involuntary memories like nightmares or flashbacks may feel so real, it is as though someone is re-living that moment. 

2. Avoidance: Perhaps they never want to go to a certain restaurant, or they don’t want to go for a bike ride. Avoiding activities, objects, places, or people related to a stressful and traumatic event may be a form of coping to forget and avoid how they felt during that time. 

3. Dark thoughts or emotions: experiencing lower mood, feeling angry, numb, guilty, shameful, or difficulty trusting others. These changes in mood can also result in feeling detached from others or much less interest in previously enjoyable activities.

4. Hyperarousal: They may feel on edge or easily startled. It may result in poor sleep, difficulty concentrating, irritability, or angry outbursts.

Most of these symptoms naturally occur within days after a traumatic event. In order to be diagnosed with PTSD, the above symptoms must occur for a month or longer and the symptoms must be significantly impacting the person’s functioning in daily life. If you notice these symptoms in yourself or a friend, it will be helpful to seek treatment. 

A PATH TO RECOVERY

Reaching out for help is often the hardest part for many people, but especially for those with PTSD symptoms, as avoiding memories and feelings about the event is natural. However, different forms of therapy can be helpful towards recovery. 

1. Talk therapy can be helpful to learn coping skills to manage symptoms and change negative thoughts or feelings into better ones about yourself and others. 

2. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is especially helpful to reprocess a traumatic memory safely with a professionally trained EMDR therapist. 

3. Animal therapy leads to healing for many with PTSD. Whether a service dog, or equine therapy, the relationships formed with these animals can help to decrease symptoms of PTSD and improve quality of life. 

4. Medication can also be helpful to reduce symptoms and improve quality of life. It is important to seek medication from a psychiatrist and coordinate care with any other medical or mental health professionals. 

There is hope for healing. If you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms of PTSD, it is important to receive care. Look for a therapist or provider who can assist you as soon as possible. Other resources include: 

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Help Line: 1-800-950-6264

Suicide and Crisis LifeLine: Call or Text 988 

Veterans Crisis Line: Call 1-800-273-8255 or Text 838255

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/common/common_veterans.asp

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd#:~:text=People%20with%20PTSD%20have%20intense,or%20estranged%20from%20other%20people.

https://health.mountsinai.org/blog/how-can-you-tell-if-someone-you-know-may-have-ptsd/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20355973

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments

Prioritizing Your Mental Health During the Holidays

By Nicole marino, amft

As we enter the winter months and into the holiday season, it is so important to make sure you are checking in with yourself around your mental well-being. The holiday season can evoke a wide range of emotions for people. While some look forward to celebrations, gatherings, and festive traditions, others may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even lonely. It’s important to recognize that mental health is just as crucial during this time as it is any other, potentially even more so. Here are some strategies to help manage your mental health during the holidays.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It’s so important to acknowledge and sit in the emotions that come up for you during the holidays, even the more “negative” emotions. It's normal to experience a mix of joy and stress. Journaling, talking to someone you trust, or meditating can be helpful ways to process emotions and identify what’s weighing on your mind.

Set Realistic Expectations

Holidays often come with high expectations, whether it’s creating the perfect get-together, finding the ideal gifts, or maintaining traditions. Try to set realistic goals and be flexible with yourself and your situations. Remember that it’s okay for things to not be perfect (they’re not meant to be!). Simplifying your plans can lead to a more enjoyable and less stressful experience.

Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is essential, especially during busy times. Carve out moments for yourself, whether that means enjoying a good book, going for a walk, or participating in your favorite hobby. Make a conscious effort to engage in activities that recharge your energy and bring you joy.

Reach Out for Support

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Talk to friends or family (anyone you trust) about how you’re feeling or consider seeking professional help if needed. Sometimes, simply sharing your thoughts can lighten the pressure and emotional burden. Remember, you’re not alone in this experience and others can relate!

Create New Traditions

If certain traditions are a source of stress or sadness, consider creating new ones. This can be an opportunity to adapt your celebrations to better fit your current feelings and circumstances. Finding what works for you can foster a sense of new beginnings.

Limit Social Media Exposure

Social media can amplify comparison. It’s easy to get caught up in the seemingly perfect lives of others. If you find yourself feeling down after scrolling, consider taking a break from social media during the holidays. Focus instead on real-life interactions and experiences. Focus on the things going on in your life that you are grateful for.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a strong tool during the holidays. Taking a few moments each day to practice deep breathing, meditation, or grounding techniques can help reduce stress and increase your overall well-being. Being present in the moment allows you to appreciate the little joys that the season brings.

Give Back

Engaging in acts of kindness or giving back to the community can provide a sense of purpose and connection. Volunteering your time or resources can remind you of the positive impact you can have on others!

While this season of time can bring a lot of joy and happiness, it can also take a toll on your mental health. By using these tips and reminders, you can better navigate the season ahead and know what is going to be best for you and your emotions. Ultimately, your mental health is the priority so the holidays can look however you want them to!

Harnessing the Power of Awe

By Anne Decore, lmft

I recently attended a psychology conference in California where I had the opportunity to learn about the science of awe from Jonah Paquette, a clinical psychologist and author of the book “Awestruck: How Embracing Wonder Can Make You Happier, Healthier, and More Connected.”

So, what is awe and why is it important in our lives?

According to Paquette we can define it as “the feeling we get in the presence of something vast that challenges our understanding of the world.”

Vastness (perceptual or conceptual) and transcendence (assumption-challenging) are the two key components of awe. Awe is a universal human emotion found across all cultures, though there are individual differences in frequency of experiencing awe, and in sources of awe.

I invite you to try this quick mental exercise:

Think about a particularly awe-inspiring memory that you can recall.

Where were you?

Who were you with?

What was the experience like? How did your body feel?

How did you feel toward others?

What perspectives did you have?

You may have noticed from your personal recollection how awe served as a pathway into connection, compassion, curiosity, gratitude, optimism. In other words, awe increases important positive mood states. Studies show that awe activates areas in the brain linked to interpersonal bonding and the release of oxytocin. And, it reliably leads to a feeling of smallness relative to the world around us, a phenomenon known as “the small self”, where we feel linked to something greater than ourselves, increasing our sense of meaning.

In other words, awe induction is really good for us. How can you experience more awe-inspired moments? Look for it in the everyday. As Dr.Paquette puts it, “how many things in your field of vision are actually wondrous, but that we overlook every day?”

Here are some places likely to yield results:

Nature, science, timelessness & vastness, courage & inspiration, the arts, gratitude, social connection, new learnings.

While I was in California for the conference, I got to see fireworks light up the night sky beside a dear longtime friend of mine. The only thing better than awe is sharing it with others.

Falling Into Wellness: Navigating Mental Health This Autumn

By Olivia grossklaus, AMFT

As the leaves change and the air turns chilly, fall brings a blend of beauty and challenges. While many welcome the change of season from hot summer days to cozy autumn mornings, the shift in seasons can also have a profound impact on all of our mental well-being. Understanding these dynamics and embracing healthy habits can help all us navigate this transitional period with resilience and joy. Here’s how to prioritize your mental well-being this fall.

Embrace the Change, Both Inside and Out

Fall represents a transition, in weather and in life. Embrace this change as an opportunity for growth. Reflect on what this season means for you and how you can set new intentions. This could involve starting a new hobby, focusing on personal goals, or simply adopting a more mindful approach to your daily routine.

Despite the cooler temperatures, spending time outdoors can significantly boost your mood. The beautiful fall foliage and crisp air provide a refreshing backdrop for walks, hikes, or picnics. Nature has a calming effect, and exposure to natural light can help combat feelings of sadness. Aim for at least 20-30 minutes outside each day to reap the mental health benefits.

Acknowledge Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

For some, the onset of fall marks the beginning of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a type of depression that occurs at specific times of the year. The reduced sunlight can lead to feelings of sadness, lethargy, and isolation. If you notice these symptoms, know you’re not alone. It’s crucial to seek support, whether through therapy, support groups, or connecting with loved ones who may understand your experiences, or are just there to listen.

Maintain a Routine

As summer fades, many people experience disruptions in their schedules. Establishing a consistent daily routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability. Include time for self-care, work, social activities, and relaxation. A well-structured routine helps to manage stress and keeps you grounded during seasonal transitions.

Stay Connected

As the days get shorter, it’s easy to retreat into solitude. However, staying connected with friends and loved ones is essential for mental health. Schedule regular catch-ups, whether in person or virtually, and engage in group activities. Sharing experiences and feelings with others can provide comfort and support, making the transition into fall much easier. It is also important to stay connected with yourself and your needs during this transition. Journaling or scheduling in some quiet time throughout the day is a great way to do this.

Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude

The fall season invites us to slow down and reflect. Incorporate mindfulness practices into your routine, such as meditation, journaling, body scans, or yoga. These activities can help ground you in the present moment and reduce anxiety. Additionally, cultivate gratitude by taking time each day to acknowledge the things you appreciate, from the beauty of the changing leaves to the warmth of your favorite sweater.

Prepare for Winter

As fall progresses, it’s wise to prepare for the winter months ahead. Consider strategies to boost your mood during the darker days, such as investing in a light therapy box, planning winter activities, or scheduling regular check-ins with a therapist. Having a plan in place can provide reassurance and help you feel more in control.

While the fall season can present challenges to mental health, it also offers a chance for renewal and reflection. By acknowledging your feelings, prioritizing self-care, and staying connected with others and yourself, you can navigate this transition with grace. Embrace the beauty of the season, and remember that it is always okay to seek help if and when you need it.

Impact of Love Maps on Relationship Health: Building Stronger Connections

By Caroline NeaL, LMFT

In the quest for a fulfilling and enduring relationship, understanding your partner’s inner world is crucial. Dr. John Gottman’s concept of the “Love Map” provides a valuable framework for this understanding, revealing how deep knowledge of each other’s experiences, preferences, and emotions can profoundly impact relationship health. Here’s how Love Maps contribute to stronger, more resilient relationships and practical ways to leverage this concept for enhancing your connection.

What is a Love Map?

A Love Map is essentially a mental map that contains detailed information about your partner’s life. This includes their history, current concerns, future dreams, likes, dislikes, and everyday routines. Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that couples with well-developed Love Maps—where partners have a deep understanding of each other’s inner worlds—tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships.

The Impact of Love Maps on Relationship Health

1. Enhanced Emotional Intimacy

A well-developed Love Map fosters emotional intimacy by allowing partners to connect on a deeper level. When you know and understand your partner’s fears, dreams, and values, you can respond to their emotional needs more effectively. This mutual understanding creates a sense of closeness and security, essential components for a strong, emotionally fulfilling relationship.

2. Improved Communication

Understanding each other’s Love Map leads to more effective and meaningful communication. When you are familiar with your partner’s background and current concerns, you can engage in conversations that are more relevant and empathetic. This deeper communication helps to avoid misunderstandings and facilitates a more open and honest dialogue, reducing the likelihood of conflicts and enhancing relationship satisfaction.

3. Increased Empathy and Support

A comprehensive Love Map enables you to be more empathetic and supportive. Knowing your partner’s struggles, aspirations, and preferences allows you to offer support that is truly aligned with their needs. This empathy strengthens your connection and demonstrates that you are attentive to their experiences, building a stronger foundation of trust and mutual support.

4. Stronger Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle disagreements can make a significant difference. When you understand each other’s Love Maps, you can approach conflicts with greater insight into your partner’s perspective. This understanding helps to address underlying issues more effectively and work towards solutions that respect both partners’ needs and viewpoints.

5. Greater Relationship Satisfaction

Couples with well-developed Love Maps often report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. This satisfaction stems from the feeling of being known and valued by your partner. The sense of being truly understood and appreciated contributes to overall happiness and fulfillment in the relationship.

Practical Steps to Develop and Maintain Your Love Map

1. Ask Meaningful Questions

Engage in regular conversations that go beyond everyday topics. Ask questions about your partner’s dreams, fears, and significant life experiences. For instance, inquire about their childhood memories, future goals, or what they value most in life. This helps to deepen your understanding and keeps your Love Map current.

2. Share Your Own Insights

A two-way exchange of information strengthens your Love Map. Share your own experiences, dreams, and concerns with your partner. This reciprocal openness fosters mutual understanding and ensures that both partners are equally invested in each other’s inner worlds.

3. Regular Check-Ins

Make it a habit to regularly update each other on changes in your lives. This could involve discussing new interests, recent challenges, or shifts in personal goals. Regular check-ins help keep your Love Map up-to-date and relevant, ensuring that you remain connected and informed about each other’s evolving needs.

4. Celebrate Each Other’s Achievements

Acknowledge and celebrate your partner’s achievements and milestones. Recognizing their successes and showing genuine interest in their accomplishments reinforces your knowledge of their goals and fosters a sense of shared joy and support.

5. Practice Active Listening

When your partner shares something with you, practice active listening. Show that you are fully engaged in the conversation by reflecting on what they’ve said and validating their feelings. This active engagement demonstrates that you value their perspective and are committed to understanding their Love Map.

Conclusion

The concept of the Love Map underscores the importance of knowing your partner on a deep and meaningful level. By developing and maintaining a comprehensive Love Map, you can enhance emotional intimacy, improve communication, and build a stronger, more resilient relationship. Investing in this understanding not only enriches your connection but also contributes to overall relationship health and satisfaction. Embrace the journey of exploring each other’s inner worlds, and let your Love Map be a guide to creating a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a leading approach in couples therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s. Grounded in attachment theory, EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding in maintaining healthy, lasting relationships. Let’s explore the key highlights of EFT and why it’s so effective in couples therapy.

1. Focus on Emotional Bonding

EFT centers on the belief that secure emotional bonds are essential to relationship health. It helps couples understand and address their attachment needs—the desire for closeness, security, and connection. By focusing on these core needs, EFT aims to rebuild and strengthen the emotional bond between partners.

2. Identifying Negative Interaction Patterns

EFT helps couples identify and understand the negative interaction patterns that fuel conflict and disconnection. These cycles often involve blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal, which can erode trust. By recognizing these patterns, couples can start to break the cycle and create healthier ways of interacting.

3. Deepening Emotional Communication

Beyond surface-level discussions, EFT encourages couples to explore and express their deeper emotions and vulnerabilities. Therapists create a safe space for this emotional communication, fostering empathy and understanding between partners. This deeper connection enhances emotional intimacy and strengthens the relationship.

4. Repairing and Strengthening Relationships

EFT is particularly powerful in repairing relationships damaged by conflict or emotional wounds. By addressing the root causes of distress and fostering emotional responsiveness, EFT helps couples heal and build a more secure, resilient bond.

5. Proven Effectiveness

EFT is one of the most researched and validated forms of couples therapy, with studies showing its effectiveness in improving relationship satisfaction and emotional connection. The positive effects of EFT often endure over time, making it a reliable approach for lasting relationship improvement.

Emotionally Focused Therapy provides couples with a profound approach to healing and strengthening their relationship. By focusing on emotional bonding, breaking negative cycles, and deepening emotional communication, EFT offers a powerful path to lasting change. Whether you’re facing challenges in your relationship or seeking to enhance your connection, EFT can help you build a more fulfilling and resilient partnership.

5 Steps to Make the Back to School Transition Easier

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The end of summer can bring up a lot of different feelings for both parents and children. While some feel excited, others are dreading the transition from summer to school. Often, establishing a back to school routine can be helpful to prepare everyone for the change in schedules. Below you will find some helpful tips to make the transition smoother and more enjoyable for everyone in the family! 

Create a back to school celebration

Celebrations or events can be very helpful in marking a transition and helping the whole family to process their emotions and feel prepared for the change. Whether it is shopping for school supplies together, getting a new pair of shoes, going out for a treat the last weekend of summer, or spending the day together as a family creates an opportunity to celebrate back-to-school. 

Re-establish bedtimes

If bedtimes have gotten out of routine during the summer, start putting your child to bed a little earlier each night leading up to the start of school. A staggered transition like this allows children to gradually return to normal bedtimes and feel more rested before school starts. Focus on creating an environment that is free of distractions, and allows the child to slow down and feel calm. 

Check in about each school day

Once the first day of school happens, be sure to check in with your child and see how their day was and each day thereafter. Intentionally listen and learn about their teachers, their favorite subjects and new friends they meet. Keeping lines of communication open is very important to establish a strong connection between parents and children. This way, when challenges arise, trust is established for your child to open up about a difficult subject, unhealthy friendships or even bullying. 

Eat dinner together as a family 

Research shows that time together as a family is important and especially mealtime. With the busyness of back-to-school including activities and homework, it is hard to spend time together. Meal time is a perfect opportunity to check in and continue to create bonds. Meal time has proven to create healthy eating habits, decrease future mental health struggles, and improve communication skills. 

 Create homework stations 

Transitioning from summer back to school can make it challenging to focus on tasks like homework. Setting up an area in your home that is specifically designed to be a homework station can help your child know it is time to focus. Have your child help in creating the space so they know they will feel comfortable studying there. Take some time to remove distractions (e.g. any type of screen) and add a clock to the area so your child knows how long they have been reading or studying, etc.

We wish everyone a happy and healthy return to school! 

Sources: Eating Together At Family Meals

Wedding Woes

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

The past few years, I have had significant experience discussing wedding planning with clients, both with individuals and couples. This topic more recently resonates with me personally as I just went through the wedding planning process myself. I know how stressful and overwhelming it can be. It is easy to lose sight of the importance of the whole process when you get sucked into the pressure of the wedding industry. Of course, everyone wants their wedding to be “perfect” and magical, but I think that can get in the way of just enjoying the process and getting excited about marrying your best friend. I have outlined some helpful tips that I tried to keep in mind myself. I deeply acknowledge that no one is perfect, and it is easy to get lost in the stress (trust me I get it), but sometimes it is helpful to have a reminder from someone who has gone through it.

Try to stay as present as possible

• I know this one seems like a given but the process goes by so quickly and it is such a fun time! It is important to enjoy the celebrations and the prep because before you know it, it’ll all be over. Try to take it one step at a time and don’t get ahead of yourself. It will all get done in the end.

Create lists

• Stay organized and know what needs to get done and when. Not everyone decides to have a planner for various reasons, so this is so beneficial to stay on top of everything. By doing this, it can help with the first tip of staying present. Focus on one month at a time and check off those tasks as they come up. It helps to see things get crossed off the list knowing that you’re making progress.

Block out the noise

• Family and friends can often have many opinions and things to say, but ultimately it is not their wedding. If something is not on your radar as stressful, don’t take on someone else’s concerns. Focus on what you’re doing and what your vision is. Of course, most people are coming from a loving place and just want to help but at a certain point it can become too much and you might need to implement some healthy boundaries.

Take time for yourself and for your partner

• Make sure you are still taking time for balance and focusing on your own self-care (taking breaks, going on walks, meditating, getting fresh air, etc.). Also making sure you are still having quality time with your partner to go on a date and maybe not talk about the wedding! Trust me, I know that can be tough especially as it gets closer, but let your mind have a break from all the logistics and just focus on being together and having fun!

Ask for help if needed

• Yes, I know I said to block out the noise, but it is also okay to delegate and ask for help when you feel like you are at your max capacity. Family and friends are happy to help so make it clear to them what would be HELPFUL and what would just add to your stress.

Create a budget and stick to it

• Financial stress can be a huge part of wedding planning especially if you are the one managing the payments. It is helpful before starting, to look at your finances and create a budget that makes sense to you. Look at the things you wish to have, get some quotes, and maybe make some adjustments. Even if you are not able to do everything you had envisioned, I guarantee it will not take away from the beautiful day. Ultimately, you don’t want to put yourself in a bad financial position post wedding.

Remind yourself of the reason for the wedding

• The whole purpose for this prep and planning is to get married! Don’t forget that. Amid stress and chaos, take time to cherish the love you have for your partner and stay connected to the goal. Try to check in with each other and see how you both are feeling, and if either of you need anything. Especially as the wedding gets closer, tensions can arise, and it is crucial that you are acting as a team and on the same page. Don’t let the stress cloud the love that brought this wedding to be!

This process is both the longest and shortest span of time. It is quite the whirlwind when you are in it, and then once it’s over, you forget all about the small things that were mentally weighing you down. You are left with all the beautiful memories and moments from the weekend/day with your loved ones and spouse, that sometimes the stress seems silly. That is not to say the stress is not very real and all-consuming because it is. But once again, the purpose is to celebrate your love and something “going wrong” during the day or days leading up is not going to ruin that!

Decision-Making: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Anne Decore, lmft

Making decisions is something people struggle with often. Indecision and inaction can bring a lot of distress. So can the belief that one “made the wrong decision”.

Some decisions are clear and intuitive, and we can arrive at a choice with full confidence. Other decisions carry ambivalence – and always will even after we’ve picked a direction.

One general rule of thumb is to be guided by your values and goals. They can serve as guiding lights during times of uncertainty.

This 4-step framework may also help you operationalize decision-making:

1. Identify the problem.

It’s especially important to define the question/decision/choice/problem if you are making the decision as a couple, or a family, or a group.

Ask clarifying questions such as:

• What is the main challenge or opportunity here?

• What is my hoped-for outcome?

• If this decision is made successfully, what would that look like?

2. Generate Alternatives.

Come up with a diverse and comprehensive set of options. Don’t judge them as you generate. Allow yourself to flow and present all angles.

3. Assess these options.

How do their various outcomes compare to the defined criteria for success? How do these options square with constraints?

4. Best Fit.

Find the best fit for the situation. “Best fit” acknowledges that, very often, decision making is subjective and there may not be a “perfect” or “right” decision.

Lastly, and always, be kind to yourself. Decision-making isn’t easy. You’re doing your best.

Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

Coping with Social Comparison in the Summer

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Summer is a season often filled with social gatherings, vacations, and outdoor adventures. While this can be an exciting time, it can also trigger a feeling of being excluded. With social media feeds flooded with images of friends’ beach trips, concerts, and picturesque getaways, it's easy to feel like everyone else is having the time of their lives while you might be missing out. Here are some strategies to help you cope with social comparison and cultivate a healthier mindset during the summer months.

1. Limit Social Media Use

While social media platforms are great for staying connected, they can also create unrealistic expectations and comparisons. Try setting boundaries for your social media use:

● Designate specific times for checking social media rather than scrolling throughout the day.

● Take social media breaks by scheduling screen-free days or weekends.

● Unfollow or mute accounts that trigger negative feelings or comparisons.

2. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful antidote to social comparison. Focusing on what you have rather than what you lack can shift your perspective and increase your overall happiness. Here are some ways to practice gratitude:

● Keep a gratitude journal where you write down three things you’re grateful for each day.

● Share your gratitude with others by expressing appreciation to friends, family, or

coworkers.

● Reflect on positive experiences from your past summers and appreciate the unique

moments you’ve had.

3. Connect with Friends and Family

While social media can create a sense of connection, nothing beats real-life interactions. Strengthen your relationships with those around you:

● Plan get-togethers with friends and family, such as picnics, game nights, or potluck dinners.

● Reach out to reconnect with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while.

● Join local groups or clubs that align with your interests to meet new people and form new

connections.

4. Accept and Embrace Your Own Pace

Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s important to remember that your summer doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be fulfilling

● Set your own goals for the summer, whether that’s reading a certain number of books, learning a new skill, or simply relaxing and recharging.

● Celebrate small victories and acknowledge your achievements, no matter how minor they may seem.

● Be kind to yourself and recognize that it’s okay to have quieter, more restful periods.

How Much Time Should My Child Spend Online?

By Bree Minger, afmt

In today’s world, devices are unavoidable— especially for children. Smart phones, tablets and TVs are easily accessible for many people and an integral part of daily life. Many parents wonder how much time is appropriate for their child to spend online or looking at screens. According to MedlinePlus children screen use can total five to seven hours every day. Typically, the recommendation has been that children should spend less than two hours a day in front of screens. With this large difference in usage versus recommendations, it is imperative to determine what healthy usage of screentime looks like based on child development. 

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released new guidelines for children’s screen time. The AAP bases their recommendations on the 5 C’s of Child and Teen Media Use: Child, Content, Calm, Crowding Out, Communication. 

Child: Knowing your child and their personality helps in determining use or limits. It is important to consider how screen time impacts your child’s feelings. How does it impact their mood? Have they experienced bullying online or do they have supportive online interactions? Is it connected to trouble falling asleep or waking up throughout the night?

Content: It is important to be aware of what content your child is consuming online and if it is age appropriate. Is the content promoting unrealistic beauty standards or violence? Does the content match the values your family holds? Are you using parental controls that prevent your child from discovering inappropriate content?

Calm: Many parents turn to media to aid in calming down their child. If calm down strategies are reliant on screen time, consider seeking other coping strategies for your child. Depending on your child’s age there are different deep breathing techniques such as smelling roses and blowing bubbles for young children, or box breathing for older children. Other comforts like a stuffed animal, blankets or listening to soothing music are also helpful alternatives to screen time.  

Crowding Out: Often times, screen time can be a major distraction from other activities to enjoy as a family. If wanting to cut down on screen use, consider how your family will fill the gap of time. Do you dream of more sleep, family bike rides, or more quality time as a family? Brainstorm how you could improve family relationships or connect without screens. 

Communication: Keeping communication open about media use and screentime is helpful for both parents and children. This helps the parent to be aware of content consumption, overall use and how it is impacting your child’s health. Communication is also helpful for your child to be knowledgeable of what boundaries or expectations parents have about media use.

It also important to pay attention to different stages of development. For example, screen time use looks very different for a 2 year old versus a 15 year old. For more direction of appropriate use per stage of development visit the AAP website.

Sources: 

MedlinePlus

HealthyChildren.org

The Power of Gratitude

By Nicole marino, amft

Hearing something as simple as “practicing gratitude is so important” seems so obvious and self-explanatory, but it is a practice that is often overlooked. In our current world that is full of social media comparison, it is even more important to disconnect and remind yourself about the life that you are living. Big or small; we all have things in our lives to be grateful for every day. It is so easy to go on tik tok or Instagram and see a perfectly curated video or feed of someone’s life full of beautiful vacations or a successful career or a perfect relationship, but social media is a highlight reel. Social media only shows the good parts of our lives. It doesn’t often show the down days full of stress, sadness, loneliness, or defeat. Don’t fall into the comparison trap and assume that everyone else’s lives are so much better than yours, especially seeing it through the lens of social media content.

Reflecting at least once a day on the things that are positive or make you happy in your life can really help reframe your mindset and overall mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression. People can assume that in order to be grateful, we need to have a lot of exciting things going on outside of the mundane tasks of daily life. But that is not true. You can express gratitude for something as simple as the sun shining today, your walk with your dog, your warm comforter, or cooking your favorite meal. It does not have to be anything unique or outrageous!

Some ideas for practicing gratitude:

• Wake up and create a list first thing in the morning either in your head or on a piece of paper/journal

• Do a daily reflecting meditation

• Talk out loud with someone and share things you both are feeling grateful for

• Create a gratitude jar where you add at least one thing per day

• Call a friend or family member and express your gratitude for your relationship with them

• Create a list of gratitude affirmations to read/recite each day to yourself

• Lay in bed at the end of the day and reflect on the aspects of your day that you are grateful for

Ideas of things to be grateful for:

Like I stated before, the things that you feel grateful for do not have to be out of the ordinary. It is important to reflect on the simple things in life that bring an extra spark of joy if we were not able to do it. This may be different each day given your routine or schedule, and that is okay! Just reflect from whatever the day was, even if it was a horrible day in your opinion. I bet you can find at least one thing to be grateful for.

• Health

• Friends or family

• Laughing today

• Connecting with someone you normally wouldn’t

• Listening to your favorite podcast or music

• Getting to work on time

• Coming home after a long day and changing into your pajamas

• Someone holding the door for you

• Tomorrow being a new day and a fresh start

• Finding a new book or show

• Getting outside and connecting with nature

• Having positive self-talk during a tough day

• Coping the best you could with stress and being proud of that effort

These are just some examples of things that you can potentially feel grateful for on a given day. Just remind yourself that big or small, your life matters and the things that happen matter! When we take a step back and reflect, we can find that we have so much more to be grateful for than we sometimes give credit for. Try this and see how you feel! You might find yourself having a different outlook on your life and notice yourself comparing less to others.

Social Media Comparison Burnout

By Megan allcock, LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout. 

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. 

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family. 

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media? 

1. Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. 

2. Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life. 

3. Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media. 

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

10 Ways To Practice Mindfulness This Winter Season

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The winter tends to feel like a whirlwind. The holidays start in November and keep us busy all the way to January when we decide to test ourselves with New Year’s resolutions. After that tends to peter off then comes the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. Many of these celebrations may induce anxious or depressive feelings about one’s relationships with family, romantic partners or singleness. Additionally, this season can lead to many celebrations which often include heavier drinking or substance use. During this time of year, it is too easy to get caught up in hurry or expectations of status leaving many of us feeling drained or overwhelmed. 

Alternatively, winter can be a very fruitful time of rest. A period of hibernation to reflect and prepare for the next season to come– whether that be a new relationship, a new season of singleness, learning how to manage anxiety or depression or simply the shift to spring weather. Through all of these changes and challenges, one can practice rest through mindfulness. Mindfulness is proven to decrease feelings of anxiety, depression, pain, stress, insomnia and high blood pressure. Overall mindfulness can be practiced in many ways, as long as the body and brain are slowing down to pay attention to one’s senses and experience. 

Here are 10 ways to be practice mindfulness for the remainder of the winter season: 

1. Find joy in simple pleasures. Whether reading a book or watching the snowfall, try to slow down the moment and notice the beauty or tranquility. Breathe in the peace and breathe out any distractions from that present moment. 

2. Mindful eating can help slow your thoughts, emotions and prolong the enjoyment of the meal. Next time you eat your favorite snack or food, focus on each bite, relishing in the flavors you taste or the food’s texture. 

3. Breathing is very powerful when it comes to slowing our bodies down. Paying attention to exhales in particular can regulate our nervous system rapidly. Even apps on smart watches can aid in practicing deep breathing for just 1 to 2 minutes a day. 

4. Body scans can be helpful to notice sensations and connect these to emotions you may be experiencing. Body scans can be incorporated into therapy, or helpful guides can be found on youtube or elsewhere online. 

5. Slow down daily moments. From making your bed, to brushing your teeth, to showering there are many opportunities to set intentions for the day. Perhaps choose a daily moment to focus on what you may need that day, or how you can show up for someone else. Use the time to set a small daily goal that is achievable. 

6. Practicing gratitude can be an effective way to reflect on the day. Either at the end of the work day or while getting ready for bed reflect on one part of your day that stood out or one person for whom you are grateful. 

7. Progressive muscle relaxation can be an entry level meditation if mindfulness is uncomfortable. Again, a meditation like this can be incorporated into therapy sessions or guides are easily found online. 

8. Walking meditations reap several benefits because they incorporate physical activity and slowing down in the moment. Go for at least a 10 minute walk and notice the feeling of your footsteps and the shift of your body weight.

9. Engaging in art or creativity is also a very beneficial way to practice mindfulness. From painting to woodworking, using one’s hands to create is very helpful. 

10. Massage therapy is another mindful practice that connects the body and the brain. Releasing tension through massages comes from the release of endorphins allowing the body to fully relax and feel sensations of calm. 

SOURCES

The Dread of Valentine’s Season

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With February here, this time of year can bring on a mix of emotions for many different people especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day. It can be a triggering time for many people. Whether you are single or grieving, it can be emotionally challenging with the constant reminder of hearts and love everywhere you go. This February could be an opportunity to look at this month and season of time differently rather than giving it the power to bring down your mood.

At the most basic level, Valentine’s Day is about love. That doesn’t mean it has to be romantic love. Maybe take this month as a self-care and self-love month to focus just on yourself! Or with so many fun Galentine’s ideas, maybe getting together with your friends and focus on the love you have within that support system in your life. Even if you do not have a romantic partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate and embrace the feeling of the season.

There are so many good ideas when it comes to focusing on self-care such as….

- Cooking yourself dinner and watch your favorite show/movie

- Bake your favorite dessert

- Go for a long walk

- Take yourself on a date (dinner, movie, get out of town, etc.)

- Get yourself some sort of beauty treatment (massage, facial, etc.)

- Paint or draw (lean into your creative side)

- Organize or do some cleaning that maybe you’ve been procrastinating

- Go to a workout class

- Resight some self-affirmations and remind yourself of how amazing you are

Even if you don’t want to be alone, spend some time with friends or family. You can do any of those things with someone else. You can also host a party or get-together with people in your life who need to be reminded that they are also loved. It is such an important time to remind the people in your life why you care about them and feel gratitude for the things and people that you feel lucky to have. Remind yourself of the things you do have in life, while also allowing yourself to feel however you feel. Meet yourself where you are at and listen to what you need. If this month is just something you want to get through and move on from then that is completely okay! Just know that you are not alone even if sometimes it can feel that way.

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.