New Year, Same Me!

By Olivia Grossklaus, AMFT

While the idea of fresh starts and self-improvement is appealing as we move towards a new year, there’s often an underlying pressure to make resolutions that are big, bold, and transformative.

In the context of "New Year's resolution," a resolution refers to a commitment or decision made at the start of the new year to achieve a specific goal, improve a particular aspect of one's life, or adopt a new habit. However, the success of these resolutions can vary based on the clarity, feasibility, authenticity, and consistency of the goals set.

But why does creating resolutions at the New Year sometimes feel like such a daunting task?

Remaining Authentic

One of the biggest challenges of setting New Year's resolutions is the expectation of perfection. We often envision idealized versions of ourselves—someone who exercises every day, eats only healthy foods, reads a book a week, journals everyday etc. These goals are fantastic in theory, but they can quickly become overwhelming when we hold ourselves to an unrealistic standard that is likely misaligned with who we are authentically.

There’s also the tendency to compare ourselves to others. Social media can overwhelm us with success stories of people who have mastered the art of self-discipline or reinvented their lives “overnight”. This external pressure can make our own personal goals feel small, insignificant, or even unattainable. We feel like we "should" be doing more or achieving more, which only adds to the pressure and may cause us to veer further away from who we really are and what we really want.

Leave Room for Growth & Change

Setting resolutions is one thing; sticking to them over time may look entirely different. Life is unpredictable, and circumstances change. A goal that seemed achievable in the first few days of January can feel burdensome and irrelevant by February.

For many, this challenge is compounded by the fact that resolutions are often framed as all-or-nothing pursuits. If we slip up—whether it’s skipping a workout, missing a study session, or forgetting to journal a few days in a row —we feel like we’ve failed. This "black-and-white" thinking makes it harder to persevere when the going gets tough. The pressure to be perfect can lead to giving up entirely, rather than accepting that progress takes time and setbacks are normal. We as people grow and change over the course of the year, why can’t we allocate that same flexibility to our goals?

Wonderful Just The Way You Are

There’s an underlying cultural expectation that the New Year should be about self-improvement. Every year, we’re inundated with messages about becoming the "best version of yourself." This idea, while well-intentioned, often leads to feelings of inadequacy. It suggests that we’re not enough as we are and that we need to strive for constant improvement. This can leave us feeling like we’re perpetually "falling short" or never quite reaching our potential.

The focus on "better" also contributes to the fear of failure. If our resolution is about being more mindful, more successful, or more productive, it implies that the version of us before the New Year wasn’t good enough. The pressure to change, to be "better," can be exhausting and demotivating, especially if we don’t feel like we’ve made much progress.

Setting Mindful Resolutions

If the pressures of New Year’s resolutions feel overwhelming, it may help to reframe the way you approach them. Here are a few strategies to make resolutions feel less like a burden and more like an opportunity for growth:

1. Set Small, Manageable Goals: Break your resolutions into smaller, actionable steps. Focus on progress, not perfection. Small wins can add up over time, and they’re much more sustainable than trying to overhaul your entire life in one go.

2. Be Flexible: Life is unpredictable, and things won’t always go according to plan. If you miss a workout or a deadline, don’t throw your resolution out the window. Accept that setbacks are part of the journey, and adjust your goals as needed.

3. Focus on Well-Being: Instead of focusing solely on external markers of success—like getting promoted or writing a book—consider resolutions that support your mental and emotional health. A resolution to practice self-compassion, prioritize rest, or spend more time with loved ones can be just as impactful as any professional goal.

4. Embrace Authenticity: Instead of trying to become a "better" version of yourself, try focusing on becoming a more authentic version of yourself. Embrace where you are right now, and aim for growth from a place of self-acceptance, not self-criticism. It may even help to reframe “resolutions” to New Years “Suggestions” or decide not to set any at all.

5. Give Yourself Time: Remember that resolutions don’t need to be completed by December 31st, and new resolutions can be set later in the year, not only in the first week of January. It’s okay if progress takes longer than expected. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes, the most meaningful changes happen gradually.

As we enter the new year, it’s easy to forget that we’re not starting with a blank slate. The demands of everyday life—work, family, social obligations—don’t pause just because the calendar flips. Trying to juggle new goals while keeping up with existing responsibilities can feel like a juggling act that’s bound to fall apart. By merely being kinder to ourselves we can navigate the new year with a sense of purpose, flexibility, authenticity, and self-compassion.

As you step into the new year, remember: it's okay not to have everything figured out. What's important is that you're moving forward, one small step at a time.

Decision-Making: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Anne Decore, lmft

Making decisions is something people struggle with often. Indecision and inaction can bring a lot of distress. So can the belief that one “made the wrong decision”.

Some decisions are clear and intuitive, and we can arrive at a choice with full confidence. Other decisions carry ambivalence – and always will even after we’ve picked a direction.

One general rule of thumb is to be guided by your values and goals. They can serve as guiding lights during times of uncertainty.

This 4-step framework may also help you operationalize decision-making:

1. Identify the problem.

It’s especially important to define the question/decision/choice/problem if you are making the decision as a couple, or a family, or a group.

Ask clarifying questions such as:

• What is the main challenge or opportunity here?

• What is my hoped-for outcome?

• If this decision is made successfully, what would that look like?

2. Generate Alternatives.

Come up with a diverse and comprehensive set of options. Don’t judge them as you generate. Allow yourself to flow and present all angles.

3. Assess these options.

How do their various outcomes compare to the defined criteria for success? How do these options square with constraints?

4. Best Fit.

Find the best fit for the situation. “Best fit” acknowledges that, very often, decision making is subjective and there may not be a “perfect” or “right” decision.

Lastly, and always, be kind to yourself. Decision-making isn’t easy. You’re doing your best.

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

Ambivalence is Two Simple Things

By Anne DeCore, LMFT

Ambivalence is a natural human phenomenon, one that we all experience every day. It is common to want change, and also not want change, at the same time. The brain will contemplate the pros and the cons (the “decisional balance sheet”) of a particular change and then, voila, we find ourselves stuck. We come up with a reason for, and a reason against, and then ambivalence settles in.

As a clinician I regularly see clients experiencing ambivalence. Common ones are: ambivalence about changing one’s alcohol use habits; about whether or not to set a boundary with a family member; about staying or leaving an unstable relationship. My thinking toward ambivalence has been shaped by the works of Bill Miller. Miller is the author of Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, and he focuses on the topic of Ambivalence more directly in his most recent book On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. His writings, research, and techniques have been praised and used by professionals across disciplines such as teaching, coaching, medicine and psychotherapy to name a few.

Ambivalence, he says, is two simple things: change talk (arguments for change) and sustain talk (arguments against change).

Interestingly, when we want to help a friend or family member whom we think would benefit by a change in their lives we tend to argue for change. But because of the way the brain is structured, when we push for change in someone else, we end up evoking the other side of their own ambivalence. We often cause the other person to talk himself or herself out of changing. This happens between partners in a couple, between parents and kids, between friends, and occurs in the therapy and medical worlds between clinicians and clients: sometimes, the more a clinician pushes for change, the more the client responds with opposition. This oppositional reflex, found in all of us, is called the righting reflex. The clinician’s attempt to help can have a paradoxical effect, reinforcing the maintenance of status quo.

So what then is the path to resolving ambivalence? How does a person decide whether a change is advantageous?

The pathway to breaking through ambivalence is about setting your GPS to a clearly defined destination and asking if making that change helps you get to the coordinates you set for yourself. If you are stuck in ambivalence, have a series of wide-ranging conversations with yourself or with a therapist where you explore what you clearly know you do want in your life. What do you care about most? What do you want your life to mean? To look like? What is most important to you in terms of who you are, and who you want to be? Explore your values and goals. These talks will define the coordinates you want to travel toward. Then, and only then, do you ask yourself, does the change I’m considering help me get there. You look at your goals in relation to the alcohol use, the boundary, the unstable relationship. Does alcohol help you accomplish that goal? Does setting the boundary with the family member help you be the kind of person you described? Is the unstable relationship neutral or does it act as an obstacle to what you care most about?

As friends, family members, or therapists, when we know with clear conviction that a person really needs to make an important change, we need to listen to their sustain talk without trying to reason the person out of it. When we listen with empathy, their need to say it goes down because their experience of feeling understood goes up. Through non-judgement, empathy and curiosity we can be a helpful part of the person evoking their own reasons and motivations for change. As frustrating as it can be at times, we cannot instill in them our reasons for their change.

Reference:

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change. Guilford press.

Miller, W. R. (2021). On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. Guilford Publications.

Breaking and Making Habits

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With the start of the new year quickly approaching, many people often re-evaluate their habits and routines wishing to start the year off on the best foot. Breaking and making new habits can be challenging, but it is not impossible. It takes time to 1. Break a habit and then 2. Make a new habit because it takes a lot of effort to re-wire and re-train your brain to stop doing something to then start doing something else. This list of tips could potentially help with the process but do keep in mind that this is a process! Even if you make missteps along the way, that doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track and continue.

• Be patient: As stated above, this is a process. On average, it can take about two months to make a behavior a habit, so it can take even longer to break a habit to then create a new one.

• With that being said, Consistency is key: Take it day by day when it comes to creating your new routine. The more you do something, the more natural it will become with time. You will start doing that behavior without evening having to put much thought to it, meaning it became a habit and pattern.

• Don’t shame yourself: You might mess up and make mistakes along the way, but that is OKAY! It is normal to ebb and flow when it comes to breaking and making habits. Show yourself grace and compassion that this is not going to happen overnight and that is to be expected. The more you shame yourself, the more discouraged you are going to feel so remind yourself you are human; therefore, you are not perfect.

• Don’t take on too many changes at once: Take things one step at a time! Taking on too many habits and changes all at once, can be incredibly overwhelming leading to slipping into old habits and doing what feels easier. Taking on a few changes at once can give you more opportunity to focus your efforts more and stay consistent.

• Be mindful: There are a few elements when it comes to being mindful. First, when it comes to breaking a habit, try to identify your triggers and what contributes to you falling into those habits. Either eliminate those triggers or try to avoid them. If a trigger is unavoidable, being mindful of how you relate and react to the trigger. Replace the “old” habit or behavior with the habit you are trying to implement instead. This is easier said than done, but that is why being mindful and self-aware in those moments is beneficial. It helps slow you down so you can check in with yourself around your what you are doing.

• Incentivize yourself: When it comes to creating new habits, rewarding yourself can help your brain draw the connection between the behavior and pleasure. This can help encourage you to desire following through more with the habit when there is a positive correlation to it.

Into The Great Unknown: Why is Job Change Viewed Negatively?

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Recently, I have been hearing a lot about individuals, mostly in their mid 20s to early 30s, wanting to change jobs or career paths. Along with that idea has also come a lot of anxiety, fear, shame, and judgement. I am here to say that it is OKAY to want to change jobs. According to CNBC, “The Great Resignation” is continuing in 2022 with 44% of employees seeking new jobs. Post pandemic life for most people is looking very different. We were so use to a busy lifestyle full of hustle and bustle. When all of that was halted, many people were forced to slow down and re-evaluate their priorities in life; work being one of them. Currently, one-third of new employees quit after six months according to the latest turnover statistics (ShortLister, 2022). If this post resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way! The purpose of sharing this and writing this blog post is to normalize change and to normalize not wanting to stay in the same job forever.

There is a lot of stigma from society around quick turnover rates and employees not being “lifers” at a company, but what I wish more people would remind themselves is that just like we grow and change every day, so can our passions, interests, desires, priorities, and goals in life. With that, wouldn’t it only make sense for people to seek a job or career change at certain points in life, especially if it doesn’t feel like it is a right fit? I believe it is a sign of growth and evolution.

Along with this, I am also hearing a lot about my clients seeking different jobs/career paths to find more of a work/life balance. I believe this is a mindset that shifted due to the pandemic especially. With this slower paced lifestyle, people were able to open their eyes to what was important to them in their every day lives: family, friends, traveling, etc. This is not to say that work is not important, but it is important to recognize that work does not have to be everything in life. Everyone needs time off and breaks to be able to show up and be the best version of themselves. It is healthy to have that balance!

I want to recognize the privilege in being able to switch jobs or career paths as well because not everyone has that luxury. When thinking about this, there is a saying: “we should work to live, not live to work” meaning that yes, everyone needs to work to make a living and provide for themselves and their families, but life is also so much more than your job. Your self-worth does not need to solely be wrapped up in a current role or position. You are more than just that; you are made up of so many unique qualities and characteristics that make you, you. I recognize fully that a job change is incredibly scary and can come with a lot of uncertainty, but the unknown isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes what comes out of the unknown is even more amazing than you ever could have imagined, but taking that initial step towards change will be the only way to find out.

Sources:

-Short Lister, 2022: https://www.myshortlister.com/insights/employment-turnover-statistics

-CNBC: Greg Iacurci: https://www.cnbc.com/2022/03/22/great-resignation-continues-as-44percent-of-workers-seek-a-new-job.html

Adapt to Accomplish

By, Kayla Harris, MA, AMFT

I don't know about you, but when I hear "productivity" or "efficiency," I immediately picture working myself like a robot to get things done. Lately, I've been chasing "accomplishment" instead. Accomplished is a feeling we get when we overcome things that are challenging for us. It's also the feeling I get when I've spent my time wisely and dedicated the necessary energies to a task. Sometimes, I feel accomplished when I say "no" to things people ask of me.

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed work for a lot of folks. Outside of jobs, people are also grappling with immense feelings of uncertainty, loss, and even hopelessness. We are coping in the best ways we can. Some people are trying to regain some semblance of normalcy by using as much time as possible to be "productive." What is that by your standards? How does that differ from society's expectations? Or your friends/colleagues? Please remember this is an unprecedented time! You are figuring it out like everyone else. I'm here to arm you with some new strategies to ultimately help you feel more accomplished and empowered rather than shamed and overwhelmed.

Note: Some people are magical and do not need to write/type things out to remember to do them. I am not one of those people, so most of my strategies below involve jotting things down! No matter how you work, take whatever suits you, and try it on!

To-Do Lists

• Start with a brain dump of all the things you worry about getting done. Put it to paper, write it in a note on your phone, in an email to yourself, whatever!

• Try sorting them by the due date or by the level of importance to you.

• You may even want to categorize or color code them by source and sort them that way. For example, things your job asks of you would be in one color. Then tasks you'd like to do around your home would be another color. Items your family needs from you would be in a different color, and so on. Sometimes, examining who is asking what of us can help to see where we are overexerting ourselves and where we need to establish firmer boundaries or delegate!

*TIP: Categorizing and switching up different tasks may help to break up the monotony of your workday. Suppose you are working from home, chipping away at an intense project, and struggling to stay focused. In that case, you could tackle a small task from your household category before going back to work. Or if you're physically at work, instead of drudging through a project for hours, check and respond to emails, or use a different part of your brain for a little bit.

Time vs. Energy Grid

I recently learned this from a therapist on TikTok (@the.truth.doctor), and it has been a game-changer!

1. Draw a Tic-Tac-Toe grid on a sheet of paper, sticky note, or in your planner.

2. Next, write LOW, MED, and HIGH above the top 3 boxes. This represents how much of your energy you need to complete a task.

3. Turn the paper and write 3 segments of time along the side axis. These are rough estimates of how long it might take you to finish things. I use "less than or equal to 30 min.," "about an hour," and "greater than or equal to two hours" on mine. See below.

4. Take whatever list of to-dos you have and plug tasks into the grid based on how much energy and time each task will take. As you go through your day, think about how much of each you have to devote to something and then work on something that is within those parameters. The crucial part of this is to be honest with yourself about how much energy/time you have and take breaks or switch gears when struggling to stay on-task.

*TIP: Highlight with category-specific colors when you finish tasks for an extra accomplished feeling and to see where you spent your time!

Pomodoro Timing

• The basic premise is that you set aside time to dig into work while also honoring breaks. So as you go through your tasks, you may feel the pull to get distracted, but with this technique, you can simply jot down that distraction and know that you'll come back to it when you get your break.

• Pick a task you'd like to work on. Then set a timer for 25 minutes of uninterrupted work time. Work the entire time and when the timer goes off, take a quick break, maybe 5 minutes. Then set the timer again for another 25 minutes and dive back into your project. Once you've completed 4 rounds of this, reward yourself with a nice long break (20-30 minutes)!

• You'll be amazed at how much you can get done when you allow yourself the time to dig into work and take breaks periodically. Here's a website that outlines all the potential benefits of the technique and how to customize it for you: https://francescocirillo.com/pages/pomodoro-technique

*TIP: During breaks, get some steps in, drink water, snack, do whatever makes you feel energized to keep going for the day!

Mindset Shift

Sometimes it can feel like we are our own worst enemy when it comes to getting things done. Work feels better when we are on our own side.

• Try and shift even just the way you talk about your duties (whether you get them done or not!) using "will" instead of "should." There is a massive difference between "I should have gotten X done yesterday" and "I didn't get to X yesterday, so I will get it done today!"

• Fake it 'til you make it - Act as if you are the master of your schedule! Of course, you probably have bosses and obligations that dictate what you have to do for the day, but take control of your schedule where you can and make it work for YOU.

• Schedule unmovable things in your planner/calendar in sharpie (kid pick-ups, family events, medical appointments, etc.)

• Write specific tasks in pencil/erasable pen - give yourself some room to adjust! You are the one who has to get these things done after all!

• Set up your weekdays to be "themed" tasks- "I don't have to make the house spotless today. Friday is my cleaning day." "I'm too tired on Sundays. I'd rather meal prep on Tuesdays." The big thing here is to actually follow through on the tasks you set aside for a specific day. And keep in mind you can always adjust that! Do laundry on Wednesdays if that's what works for you.

• Say no, delegate, and ask for help when you need it!

I hope you found tidbits you can use in your day-to-day life. Remember, strive for the feeling of accomplishment, not some grinding level of productivity.