Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Ambivalence is Two Simple Things

By Anne DeCore, LMFT

Ambivalence is a natural human phenomenon, one that we all experience every day. It is common to want change, and also not want change, at the same time. The brain will contemplate the pros and the cons (the “decisional balance sheet”) of a particular change and then, voila, we find ourselves stuck. We come up with a reason for, and a reason against, and then ambivalence settles in.

As a clinician I regularly see clients experiencing ambivalence. Common ones are: ambivalence about changing one’s alcohol use habits; about whether or not to set a boundary with a family member; about staying or leaving an unstable relationship. My thinking toward ambivalence has been shaped by the works of Bill Miller. Miller is the author of Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, and he focuses on the topic of Ambivalence more directly in his most recent book On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. His writings, research, and techniques have been praised and used by professionals across disciplines such as teaching, coaching, medicine and psychotherapy to name a few.

Ambivalence, he says, is two simple things: change talk (arguments for change) and sustain talk (arguments against change).

Interestingly, when we want to help a friend or family member whom we think would benefit by a change in their lives we tend to argue for change. But because of the way the brain is structured, when we push for change in someone else, we end up evoking the other side of their own ambivalence. We often cause the other person to talk himself or herself out of changing. This happens between partners in a couple, between parents and kids, between friends, and occurs in the therapy and medical worlds between clinicians and clients: sometimes, the more a clinician pushes for change, the more the client responds with opposition. This oppositional reflex, found in all of us, is called the righting reflex. The clinician’s attempt to help can have a paradoxical effect, reinforcing the maintenance of status quo.

So what then is the path to resolving ambivalence? How does a person decide whether a change is advantageous?

The pathway to breaking through ambivalence is about setting your GPS to a clearly defined destination and asking if making that change helps you get to the coordinates you set for yourself. If you are stuck in ambivalence, have a series of wide-ranging conversations with yourself or with a therapist where you explore what you clearly know you do want in your life. What do you care about most? What do you want your life to mean? To look like? What is most important to you in terms of who you are, and who you want to be? Explore your values and goals. These talks will define the coordinates you want to travel toward. Then, and only then, do you ask yourself, does the change I’m considering help me get there. You look at your goals in relation to the alcohol use, the boundary, the unstable relationship. Does alcohol help you accomplish that goal? Does setting the boundary with the family member help you be the kind of person you described? Is the unstable relationship neutral or does it act as an obstacle to what you care most about?

As friends, family members, or therapists, when we know with clear conviction that a person really needs to make an important change, we need to listen to their sustain talk without trying to reason the person out of it. When we listen with empathy, their need to say it goes down because their experience of feeling understood goes up. Through non-judgement, empathy and curiosity we can be a helpful part of the person evoking their own reasons and motivations for change. As frustrating as it can be at times, we cannot instill in them our reasons for their change.

Reference:

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change. Guilford press.

Miller, W. R. (2021). On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. Guilford Publications.

The Search For A Therapist

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Looking for a therapist can be an intimidating process that often feels shrouded in mystery. For both first-timers to therapy and those with prior experiences, setting out to begin a new relationship is hard. It can seem like an impossible task to choose a total stranger from a list of internet search results and expect that person to be well-matched for your goals and to possess a presence that feels connected and compatible with your own way of being. The lack of clear expectations for the search process and initial session can create anxiety. And anxiety can freeze us into avoidance. Furthermore, many people begin the search for a therapist when they are already stretched thin by stressors in their lives, and they have few internal resources to call on for the search.

I get asked frequently “how can I find a therapist?”. Here is my roadmap to answer that question. I hope it helps you find your way to support. The end destination will be worth the journey, I promise!

1.     Gather Names

• Online directories like Psychology Today can be a springboard. You can filter by specialty, training, location, and reach out to therapists directly. The online directory from your insurance company can also help you locate someone already in-network.

• Ask your primary care physician for a referral list of therapist/practices.

• Another approach is to START WITH ONE NAME that can send you a couple referrals. For example, your husband’s therapist or your friend who IS a therapist or your kid’s school counselor. They are not going to treat you but they CAN provide you with leads to help you land with a great therapist. Therapists love to provide referrals. It is a deeply rewarding part of our job to expand and promote access to care. So don’t hesitate to start with one name and ask that name for names.

2.     Make Contact

• Okay, you’ve got a name and email address. Now what? Send an email to establish whether it could be a good fit from a logistical standpoint – scheduling, insurance, etc. I’m a fan of addressing fit from a logistical standpoint up front as this reduces the likelihood of finding someone you mesh with stylistically only to later discover an administrative barrier to working together. Here’s what to include in your outreach email:

• Openings? State that you’re looking for a therapist and ask if are they taking on new clients.

• Modality:  State the type of therapy you’re seeking: individual, couple, or family.

• Scheduling: Offer relevant scheduling information like “I’m free weekday evenings only” “I’m very flexible with scheduling” “mornings before 11am” “Wednesday or Monday anytime”.

• Insurance/payment info: Share your insurance provider to confirm that the therapist is in network or inform the therapist if you won’t be using insurance. If you want rate information, inquire about fees.

• In-person or telehealth: State your preference, if you have one. (“I prefer telehealth” “I prefer in-person” “I have no preference between in-person and telehealth.”)

3.     Phone Consult

• If the therapist replies that they can take you on feel free to ask for a brief phone consultation to get a sense of the therapist’s style and presence. Feel free to ask about their approach to therapy and experience.  You may want to share a topline summary of what you want to work on and the therapist may weigh in on whether that problem/issue is within their scope of competence. They will often provide referrals if your needs fall outside their scope. A therapist will normally try to keep this phone call to 10-15 minutes.

• You may opt to skip the consult call option and move into scheduling your initial session. Just a head’s up, the initial session typically costs more than subsequent sessions because it involves more work for the therapist (intake forms and creating a client record).

4.     Initial Session

• Expect the first session to begin with reviewing consent forms and practice policies. Confidentiality, cancellations, payment/insurance, and between-session contact will all be covered.

• The session will be about getting to know each other and beginning to define the current challenges and goals of therapy.

• Remember building trust and connection takes time, as with any relationship. However, if it’s not feeling like the right fit after several sessions, tell the therapist and the therapist will gladly offer to help with referrals to get you started with someone else. Don’t feel bad about this! The therapeutic relationship is the most important factor for success so if it’s not working, the therapist will want to support your journey toward a better fit.

Scheduling Time for Rest

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I often find myself sitting with clients who feel like they need to be doing more, whether it be at work, in their personal life, in their relationships, and even in regards to their mental health. For a while I thought maybe it was just a certain type of client, perhaps those high achieving perfectionists. I’ve started to notice every single client is feeling this way in at least one area of their life.

 In recent years there is a lot of language around “boss babes” and this idea that we constantly as humans need to be moving and being productive. The intensity level of hustle culture has reinforced to everyone that if you’re not busy and running yourself ragged then you aren’t doing enough. This is incredibly false. 

Productivity is a concept I find many people struggle with. The constant push and pull to be productive while desperately wanting and needing rest seems to be never ending. The thing is though, rest IS productive. Our bodies inherently need rest to function and be able to be our most productive selves with the other areas of our lives. Let's use marathon training for an example, most people don’t run 20 miles the day before running a marathon. In fact, they don’t usually run for the two or three days leading up to the marathon. They do this so that their legs are well rested and ready to run their fastest and longest distance. 

Life is kind of like a marathon, so when you do something big like run 26 miles, you need to rest before and after. This doesn’t just apply to the big stuff, but the small events in life as well.  One way I find it helpful to force yourself to rest is by scheduling it. Try picking a specific day a week to have just time for yourself to lounge, watch tv, do whatever you want that feels restful to YOU. Rest looks different to everyone, so make sure you’re listening to your body.

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Parenting Styles and Course Corrections

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

In the world of psychology, we tend to group parenting styles into 4 categories, which occur along a continuum. This construct was originated by Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s who did extensive work observing toddler behavior and drawing connections between parenting styles and the effects on toddlers. Here are the 4 styles:

Permissive: LOW STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. No rules or consequences, loving, affectionate, approving.

Authoritative: HIGH STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. Clear Expectations and rules. Loving, empathic, firm.

Authoritarian: HIGH STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Disciplinarian, hostile, rigidity.

Neglectful/Uninvolved: LOW STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Absent, unavailable, unpredictable.

We know from considerable research that authoritative parenting is associated with the best outcomes for children. These parents are warm, responsive, and empathic. They also CALMLY set realistic, developmentally appropriate behavioral expectations. Across culture and family forms, the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles produces poorer outcomes, affecting self-esteem, social skills, and academic performance as well as being associated with substance abuse and mental health struggles.

When family units experience major stressors – a death in the family, financial hardship, a pandemic, divorce/parental recoupling – parents whose baseline is the authoritative parenting bucket can slip into one of the other categories without realizing this shift has occurred. For example, a parent’s guilt over a divorce may lead to never telling a child “no” (permissive parenting). A parent’s stress and anxiety over a job loss can lead to reacting instead of responding (authoritarian parenting). We should expect these parenting style micro-oscillations to occur alongside the stressful experiences parents encounter in the modern world. What’s important is that parents bring self-awareness and curiosity to how stressors affect their parenting styles. This type of self-reflection allows parents to course correct and return to their baseline of authoritative parenting. To course correct you can’t get tangled up in shame; expect, even anticipate, that you will make mistakes. When stressors enter your life, make a practice of thinking and talking through (with yourself, a spouse, a co-parent, or a therapist) what aspects of high-structure-high-warmth parenting may feel especially hard under these circumstances.

And, never underestimate the power of a well-placed reminder such as the above diagram, printed out and placed on the fridge or mirror.

Equal or Equitable? Deciding what to spend on your kids.

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

With graduation season right around the corner, the issue of what or how much to give your graduate will be much discussed in the coming weeks. And it raises the larger question of equal spending on gifts when you have more than one child. The Wall Street Journal recently asked me my thoughts on this topic. I’ve shared and expanded on them below for those who are not subscribers.

Parents typically want to spend the same amount of money on each child in the spirit of fairness. But an event like graduation complicates the situation. Birthdays happen annually for each of the children, but a graduation is a one-off situation, causing parents to calculate amounts in their head and strain their memories to remember what was gifted older children for comparable graduations.

Spending equal amounts on children, generally, is a sound policy, though it is a complicated formula. When you have siblings in varying age categories, or when parents’ financial circumstance change over time, or parents split up and re-partner – those are circumstances that can affect an “equal spending” mantra. Additionally, there are many other places parents spend money on children throughout a year that might need to be part of the equation.

Instead of pure equality in dollar amounts, parents should strive for fairness over time rather equal spending at each gift giving opportunity. Fair does not necessarily mean equal. Fairness considers the larger context, specific circumstances, and each child as an individual.

Suppose your middle schooler wants a pair of super pricey sneakers for his or her birthday. While this means nothing to a 7-year-old sibling at this juncture, when that child reaches middle school but is told, for example, she cannot have the expensive hair straightener she is requesting that cost about the same. These feelings may be directed at you the parent, the sibling, or internalized to mean something about how you feel about her.

You’ll also see this in reverse as parents are able to spend more on younger siblings as the older ones move out or parents begin to do better financially. An older sibling may feel some kind of way when his younger brother is given a brand-new iPhone for his 14th birthday but at 14 all he got was “crummy refurbished laptop.” Again, these feelings may manifest as resentment and anger at the parents, the sibling or both. Or the child may internalize this to mean their parents have a favorite child.

With a goal of fairness over time it becomes easier to consider other costs such as extra curricular activities. If one child is involved in travel sports that eats greatly into a family’s budget, and another child is into electronics, it might be fair to spend more on the second child’s electronic gifts at Christmas or their birthday than the gifts purchased for their athletic child. These things can and typically do balance out over time.

It’s also important to consider your individual children. Some children care more about these things than others. It can be helpful to know your child’s love language to you can better assess what each most needs and deems important. A quality time or acts of service kid might not pay any attention to the gifts given to a sibling if they are personally getting the quality time or meeting their acts of service needs consistently. This is also a way to consciously attend to the ways equity and fairness are not always about equality. Parents can discover their child’s love language via this site.

There are different quizzes for different age groups.

I believe in being as age appropriately open, honest, and transparent as possible with your children when it comes to most issues, this includes money and finances. Open up around how you make decisions around buying gifts and spending money in general. Kids don’t need all the specifics, but you can let them in on your process. This is how they begin to learn about making financial decisions. These are great topics for family meetings and a positive way to break the taboos many families have around not talking about money.

When children are included in conversations and provided insight into how you make decisions, resentment is less likely and securing their buy in and cooperation becomes easier. When you don’t talk to children, they fill in the blanks themselves and make up their own stories about what things mean in relation to themselves. Children understand more than most parents give them credit for, and even if they don’t fully understand, they’re willing to go along If they are made to feel included and allowed to have a voice in the process.

Lastly, if there are wounds that around this topic impacting sibling and/or the parent-child relationship, a family therapist can help you navigate the healing process.

Lessons on Truth and Love from Tara Westover

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

A major way I continue learning as a therapist is through reading. Writers have a beautiful ability to capture what it is to be human. Through stories I am exposed to many worlds that are different from my own which builds my empathy, curiosity, and connection to others.

One of my favorite books that I reference in therapy and reflect on in my personal life is Educated, a memoir by Tara Westover. In her story, she shares the experience of being a Mormon, white woman growing up on a mountain in Idaho with her family. Her world is extreme and insular. Paranoia keeps the family isolated, the children do not attend school, and the family is wary of western medicine. The family is fixated on the end of the world and spends it’s time burying fuel and canning peaches. Some of the details are so shocking, and truthfully, so disturbing, I couldn’t believe this was real or a relatable experience. The more I read, the more I saw the humanity in her story and themes that connect us all. Two of these themes include the danger of mistaking your reality as the only truth and maintaining loving boundaries with difficult and hurtful family members.

Our version of the truth.

“Everything I had worked for, all my years of study, had been to purchase for myself this one privilege: to see and experience more truths than those given to me by my father, and to use those truths to construct my own mind.”

Our perspective of the world is shaped by our personal experiences and the people around us. Much of this is influenced by our caregivers. From this, we develop rules that guide our ability to move through the world informing our choices and how we see ourselves and others. In the beginning of Westover’s story, the rules are clear: men have power and influence, higher education is a waste of time, and the only people you can trust are your family. Additionally, her father encouraged a specific version of history - one that excluded slavery and the Holocaust.

Westover shares that for a long time, she experienced her father’s observations and beliefs as truth instead of truth particular to him. It was only after she spent time learning new versions of history and witnessing other paths in life, did she realize the narrowness of her lens. Westover stresses the recognition that our version of the world is not the only version, rather it is one of many perspectives. Our ability to hold multiple perspectives for ourselves and others, and to entertain many paths for ourselves and others, is crucial in the development of respect and empathy. Many of us accept our family rules and expectations as the only way, and we must all go through the journey of deciding for ourselves what is worth keeping and what is worth expanding.

Maintaining distance in order to love.

“You can love someone, and still choose to say goodbye to them.”

“You can miss a person everyday and still be glad they are no longer in your life.”

Later in the book, Westover is confronted with the agonizing choice to distance herself from her family. Later in her journey, it becomes clear that they do not accept the woman she has become and the way she sees the world. They are challenging and disapproving, and it is painful and unsafe to be around them. Westover concludes that in order to keep loving them, she can’t have them in her life.

Often we conflate love for family with an obligation to persevere through pain and suffering in order to maintain the relationship. Our society stresses that family is everything and we must stay in relationship at all costs. This pressure comes up so much in my work with clients. The guilt from holding boundaries and the pain from missing our family makes holding a boundary seem wrong. Westover’s story offers a compassionate viewpoint on the decision to distance: whether or not her family belongs in her life is separate from her love for them. Westover continues to love her family AND maintains distance in order to protect herself. She recognizes that in order for her family to be in her life, they must change, and whether or not they change is something she has no control over. These are powerful lessons we need to hear especially around the holidays. You have permission to hold boundaries. It doesn’t mean that you love your family any less, and you cannot change them, they hold that power and privilege for themselves.

This book is thought-provoking, validating, and connecting. I’m looking forward to reading this again soon.

References:

Westover, T. (2018). Educated: A memoir. Random House.

The Right Way to Say You're Wrong

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

Saying “I’m sorry” seems so simple and yet, it doesn’t always feel that way. More often than not, it is connected to immense difficulty and feelings of dread. It is much easier for us to justify why we don’t need to apologize, why the other person is at fault, and why we should actually be the one receiving the apology. The problem with this mindset is that it leaves no room for personal accountability, which is a necessity for engaging in a meaningful relationship. Genuine apologies offer reconciliation and reconnection after a hurt has impacted the relationship. Our ability to take ownership of how we have hurt someone and offer an apology addressing that hurt, without needing to justify our behavior, allows us to truly repair our relationships. Now, how can we make sure we are doing that?

In Harriet Lerner’s new book, “Why Won’t You Apologize,” she goes into great detail about the do’s and don’ts of a genuine apology. There are many ways we can mess up an apology, even when we are truly trying. Lerner explains them as follows:

1.     Using the word “but”

This is a very common add-on and while it attempts to explain our behavior and why it makes sense given the situation, it also completely negates our apology.

Example: I’m sorry I was rude, but you weren’t listening to me.

Try Instead: I’m sorry I was rude. That was uncalled for and I will be more respectful next time.

2.     Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”

This pseudo-apology shifts the focus from your actions to the other person’s response. It is not taking accountability for your part in the interaction, and places the blame on the other person.

Example: I’m sorry you felt embarrassed when I pointed out your mistake at the party.

Try Instead: I’m sorry I pointed out your mistake at the party. That was not thoughtful of me and I won’t do it again.

3.     Saying, “I’m sorry if…”

The word “if” implies the other person needs to rethink their response and can often seem condescending. It again skirts away from taking responsibility for our actions.

Example: I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.

Try Instead: What I said was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive and I will be more mindful moving forward.

4.     Confusing what needs to be apologized for

This is a common occurrence in relationships where people are held responsible for the other person’s feelings and behaviors, rather than their own.

Example: I’m sorry for giving you a headache.

Try Instead: I’m sorry for not turning down the TV when I knew you had a headache.

5.     Asking for forgiveness too soon

Often when we work up the nerve to apologize, we feel the need to know that we are forgiven. This is a normal feeling. We want to know that the relationship has been restored. But when we ask for forgiveness too soon after an apology, we take away the space for the other person to fully process our apology, as well as the emotional hurt they are experiencing. This can make the other person feel rushed and sometimes even hurt again.

Example: I’m sorry I made a decision about our finances without including you. I know we’ve talked about that before. Forgive me?

Try Instead: I’m sorry I made a decision about our finances without including you. I know when I do that I hurt you and we’ve talked about that before. I understand if it takes some time for you to not be upset with me anymore. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

6.     Being intrusive with our need to apologize

This is when we continue trying to apologize before the other person is ready to hear from us. It often occurs with bigger betrayals and involves the hurt person drawing clear boundaries around no further communication. When we become intrusive with apologizing, we place our need to soothe our own anxiety about hurting someone above actually soothing the person we hurt.

Example: I know you said you didn’t want to talk to me anymore, but I need to know we’re ok; I’m sorry.

Try Instead: Not apologizing after the other person has made it clear they are not ready to communicate.

Lerner reminds us that an apology is us taking responsibility for our actions and soothing the other person’s hurt. It is not the time to discuss our grievances or make it about our pain. There will always be another time to bring those topics up. She challenges us to truly listen to someone when they bring us their pain, even when faced with things that are hard to hear. To do this, she recommends recognizing our defensiveness, soothing ourselves with deep breathing, asking questions when we don’t understand, refraining from debating facts and letting the hurt party know we hear them.

Lerner emphasizes the importance of truly listening to someone, as an apology will not be as effective if we haven’t understood the pain we have caused. Lerner also challenges us to accept the olive branch that is an apology when we have been the ones hurt. A genuine apology is a bid for connection, and when executed well and received well, it begins the healing process necessary to strengthen relationships.

Try to become more aware of how you apologize and where you need to tweak. My guess is, the better you become at apologizing, the more likely you will begin receiving genuine apologies in return, further cultivating positive change in your relationship.

Quality not Quantity

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

Creating family balance can be challenging in today’s world and it often leaves us feeling as if we don’t have much time to really invest in the quality things that we love.  Creating experiences within our relationships is a valuable and powerful force.  If you find yourself struggling with pressure of lacking time, try to focus less on quantity and more on quality. 

As summer is quickly approaching an end, there are still many events and activities remaining in Chicago. One of our favorite things to do as a family is to attend the Jay Pritzker Pavilion summer concert series.  There is nothing better than starting your week with a picnic in the park together as a family.  Not only is there amazing music preformed with a stunning background view of the city, but it’s also free!  In the midst of busy schedules, I have always found it to be so worthwhile to invest this time together as a family.  So get out there and have some fun with these last remaining summer nights in Chicago!  Here are a few remaining concerts presented by Millennium Park. 

Millennium Park Summer Music Series

-       August 18th at 6:30pm Elephant Revival + Mandolin Orange

-       August 25th at 6:30pm Tortoise + Homme

Millennium Park Presents

-       August 27th at 7:30pm Chicago Dancing Festival:  Dancing Under the Stars

-       August 28th at 6:30pm Lang Lang International Music Foundation

-       September 9th at 7:30pm Stars of Lyric Opera presented by Lyric Opera of Chicago

For additional information go to: http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/dca/supp_info/millennium_park_-upcomingevents.html