The Power of Positivity

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

Prioritizing positivity about ourselves has taken a bit of beating over the years, in part due to the rise of social media. We are invited to compare ourselves, almost constantly, to the rose-colored images of other people’s lives. The impact this is having on our well-being has been tied to an increase in anxiety and depressive symptoms. Our ability to remind ourselves that social media is a highlight reel, rather than a true depiction of others, allows us to stay mindful of reality. It also allows us to cultivate an appreciation for the positive aspects of our own lives.

Feeling grateful increases our sense of satisfaction and our self-esteem. It can also decrease the felt impact from negative experiences. An easy way to begin focusing on the positives in your own life is to keep a gratitude journal. Gratitude journals have been shown to decrease stress, improve sleep, and increase self-awareness. Dedicate time throughout your week to document what you are grateful for and allow your positive sense of self to flourish.

Learn more about the impact of social comparison here.

Delve further into gratitude journals here.

SEI

BY CAITLIN NELSON, AMFT

Fusion Academy recently hosted Barbara Burgess from The Wright Foundation for a presentation on Social and Emotional Intelligence. I had the opportunity to attend and I want to pass along a few key pieces.

1.  Without access to our emotions, we are unable to be decisive.

Research done by Antonio Damasio, a neuroscientist in Southern California, has found that individuals with brain damage to the emotional centers of their brain have immense difficulty making decisions. A study he conducted found these individuals to take 5-6 hours to choose between using a blue or black pen to complete a survey. His work is changing the way we see the process of decision making.

2.  Emotional facility is the utilization of our emotions and has four components.  

IN:  This is our ability to be in touch with our emotions, to identify them and to allow ourselves to be impacted by our experiences.  

OUT:  This is our ability to outwardly express our emotions and to do so in an appropriate way.  

UP:  This is our ability to up-regulate our emotions- to cultivate excitement.

Down: This is our ability to down-regulate our emotions - to self-soothe and calm ourselves.

3.  There are incredible benefits to having a high social emotional intelligence, for both adults and children.  

A few for adults: more successful career trajectory, increase in promotions and pay raises, better network of support, ability to be more productive, increase in relationship satisfaction, stronger immune systems.

A few for children: higher confidence, improved focus, decreased aggression, increased ability to self-soothe and self-regulate.

Take a moment to cultivate your social emotional intelligence by checking in with yourself and doing a quick scan of how you are feeling. Can you identify an emotion (fear, hurt, sadness, anger, joy, etc.)? Are you able to understand where it came from and the impact it is having on you? If this exercise proves somewhat challenging, perhaps you can make it a part of your daily routine and begin to build up your emotional IQ. Just like any other skill, increasing your emotional intelligence takes practice!

Learn more about Antonio Damasio’s work and watch a brief video of his work.

Learn more about The Wright Foundation and their work with Social and Emotional Intelligence.

Gain more information about Fusion Academy. 

Keep Calm and Fight Fair

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BY CAITLIN NELSON, AMFT

Every couple will experience conflict in their relationship, no matter how happy they are together. Research done by John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that 69% of conflict in relationships is about unresolvable, perpetual problems based on differences between partners (Gottman). They also found that stable couples experience 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction, while that ratio for unstable couples is 0.8:1. So what does this information tell us about conflict in relationships? Simply put, conflict is inevitable and manageable. So let’s learn how to manage it!

Step one to learning how to manage conflict is identifying that you are angry. Often before we can even recognize that we are angry, our bodies already know. Our heart is beating faster, our thoughts are racing, our muscles are tense, our faces are red - we are physiologically activated. Pay attention to these sensations, as they are your body letting you know you’ve reached your emotional threshold. Aka your point of no return.

Once you are able to identify that you are angry, it’s time to learn how to calm yourself back down. Why? Because reaching your emotional threshold puts you on auto-pilot, meaning you lose your ability to choose your reaction to your partner. This means that any chance of having a productive conversation is lost. If you want to hear and be heard, you need to come back to a calm state. You can do this by taking a few good deep breaths or by taking a walk (if leaving is agreed to be non-threatening by both partners).

Once you have gotten yourself feeling a little calmer, it’s time for some self-reflection. Try and identify what caused your anger. Were you feeling misunderstood, judged, blamed, hurt? These are the feelings to share with your partner. It’s easier to connect when we share softer emotions, rather than our harsh anger. In order to share those softer emotions with your partner, you need to agree upon a time and place to try again. Check in about a good time to revisit the conversation. Lastly, remind yourself that you and your partner are on a team, that there are positives to your partner and your relationship with them. This will help you soften more towards your partner, rather than revamping your side of the argument.

Ok, so now you’re calm and you’ve established a time to try again. Here are a few things to try when sharing your perspective with your partner.

 DO use “I-Statements.” These are statements that share your feelings in a non-accusatory way and propose a solution. They are the opposite of “you-statements,” which place our partner on the defense and assign blame.

You-statement : “You are always so inconsiderate! Why can’t you just come home when you say you will?!”

I-Statement : I feel anxious when I haven’t heard from you when you’re out. Could we set up a check-in system?

DON’T assassinate your partner’s character. This escalates the conflict and gets you farther away from sharing your perspective and working towards resolution.

DON’T call your partner names. This escalates the conflict and puts your partner on the defensive.

DON’T use the words always or never. This derails the conversation and allows more opportunity for further debate.

DO continue taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. This keeps you in control of your reactions and further away from your emotional threshold.

If you can begin implementing some of these tactics, your ability to manage conflict within your relationship will continue to become more and more effective, and easier to do consistently.

The Right Way to Say You're Wrong

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

Saying “I’m sorry” seems so simple and yet, it doesn’t always feel that way. More often than not, it is connected to immense difficulty and feelings of dread. It is much easier for us to justify why we don’t need to apologize, why the other person is at fault, and why we should actually be the one receiving the apology. The problem with this mindset is that it leaves no room for personal accountability, which is a necessity for engaging in a meaningful relationship. Genuine apologies offer reconciliation and reconnection after a hurt has impacted the relationship. Our ability to take ownership of how we have hurt someone and offer an apology addressing that hurt, without needing to justify our behavior, allows us to truly repair our relationships. Now, how can we make sure we are doing that?

In Harriet Lerner’s new book, “Why Won’t You Apologize,” she goes into great detail about the do’s and don’ts of a genuine apology. There are many ways we can mess up an apology, even when we are truly trying. Lerner explains them as follows:

1.     Using the word “but”

This is a very common add-on and while it attempts to explain our behavior and why it makes sense given the situation, it also completely negates our apology.

Example: I’m sorry I was rude, but you weren’t listening to me.

Try Instead: I’m sorry I was rude. That was uncalled for and I will be more respectful next time.

2.     Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”

This pseudo-apology shifts the focus from your actions to the other person’s response. It is not taking accountability for your part in the interaction, and places the blame on the other person.

Example: I’m sorry you felt embarrassed when I pointed out your mistake at the party.

Try Instead: I’m sorry I pointed out your mistake at the party. That was not thoughtful of me and I won’t do it again.

3.     Saying, “I’m sorry if…”

The word “if” implies the other person needs to rethink their response and can often seem condescending. It again skirts away from taking responsibility for our actions.

Example: I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.

Try Instead: What I said was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive and I will be more mindful moving forward.

4.     Confusing what needs to be apologized for

This is a common occurrence in relationships where people are held responsible for the other person’s feelings and behaviors, rather than their own.

Example: I’m sorry for giving you a headache.

Try Instead: I’m sorry for not turning down the TV when I knew you had a headache.

5.     Asking for forgiveness too soon

Often when we work up the nerve to apologize, we feel the need to know that we are forgiven. This is a normal feeling. We want to know that the relationship has been restored. But when we ask for forgiveness too soon after an apology, we take away the space for the other person to fully process our apology, as well as the emotional hurt they are experiencing. This can make the other person feel rushed and sometimes even hurt again.

Example: I’m sorry I made a decision about our finances without including you. I know we’ve talked about that before. Forgive me?

Try Instead: I’m sorry I made a decision about our finances without including you. I know when I do that I hurt you and we’ve talked about that before. I understand if it takes some time for you to not be upset with me anymore. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

6.     Being intrusive with our need to apologize

This is when we continue trying to apologize before the other person is ready to hear from us. It often occurs with bigger betrayals and involves the hurt person drawing clear boundaries around no further communication. When we become intrusive with apologizing, we place our need to soothe our own anxiety about hurting someone above actually soothing the person we hurt.

Example: I know you said you didn’t want to talk to me anymore, but I need to know we’re ok; I’m sorry.

Try Instead: Not apologizing after the other person has made it clear they are not ready to communicate.

Lerner reminds us that an apology is us taking responsibility for our actions and soothing the other person’s hurt. It is not the time to discuss our grievances or make it about our pain. There will always be another time to bring those topics up. She challenges us to truly listen to someone when they bring us their pain, even when faced with things that are hard to hear. To do this, she recommends recognizing our defensiveness, soothing ourselves with deep breathing, asking questions when we don’t understand, refraining from debating facts and letting the hurt party know we hear them.

Lerner emphasizes the importance of truly listening to someone, as an apology will not be as effective if we haven’t understood the pain we have caused. Lerner also challenges us to accept the olive branch that is an apology when we have been the ones hurt. A genuine apology is a bid for connection, and when executed well and received well, it begins the healing process necessary to strengthen relationships.

Try to become more aware of how you apologize and where you need to tweak. My guess is, the better you become at apologizing, the more likely you will begin receiving genuine apologies in return, further cultivating positive change in your relationship.

Languages of Love

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By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on the desire to let our partner know we care, to show them love, and the frustrating difficulty we can have doing so. We can put out our best effort and still be heartbreakingly disappointed when our partner does not respond the way we expected. What we often don’t realize is that our partner may not receive love or affection in the same way we prefer to express it. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, explains this difference in what he has coined “love languages,” and highlights the importance in being able to speak your partner’s love language. He lays them out as follows:

1.     Words of Affirmation : Verbal compliments and appreciations

2.     Quality Time : Spending undivided and undistracted time together

3.     Receiving Gifts : Tangible, visible symbols of thoughtfulness

4.     Acts of Service : Utilizing action to demonstrate love

5.     Physical Touch : Needing touch to feel loved and valued

Chapman goes on to discuss that we all have a primary love language and a secondary love language, and that similar to spoken language, love languages all have multiple dialectics through which to express affection. This is where we get to be creative with how we show our partner love! There is no “right way” to love our partner within their love language. What’s important is holding a curiosity for how your partner receives love. If their primary love language is physical touch, do they prefer cuddling before bed, or quick hugs throughout the day? Get to know the way your partner receives love and strive to implement their language as a new practice in your relationship!

The more we can love our partners in the way they receive love, rather than they way we receive love, the less likely it is that we will be disappointed when we express our love.

Take this short quiz to identify your primary and secondary love languages and share your results with your partner! : http://www.5lovelanguages.com

*These love languages are applicable in all relationships in our lives, not simply romantic ones.