How Much Time Should My Child Spend Online?

By Bree Minger, afmt

In today’s world, devices are unavoidable— especially for children. Smart phones, tablets and TVs are easily accessible for many people and an integral part of daily life. Many parents wonder how much time is appropriate for their child to spend online or looking at screens. According to MedlinePlus children screen use can total five to seven hours every day. Typically, the recommendation has been that children should spend less than two hours a day in front of screens. With this large difference in usage versus recommendations, it is imperative to determine what healthy usage of screentime looks like based on child development. 

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released new guidelines for children’s screen time. The AAP bases their recommendations on the 5 C’s of Child and Teen Media Use: Child, Content, Calm, Crowding Out, Communication. 

Child: Knowing your child and their personality helps in determining use or limits. It is important to consider how screen time impacts your child’s feelings. How does it impact their mood? Have they experienced bullying online or do they have supportive online interactions? Is it connected to trouble falling asleep or waking up throughout the night?

Content: It is important to be aware of what content your child is consuming online and if it is age appropriate. Is the content promoting unrealistic beauty standards or violence? Does the content match the values your family holds? Are you using parental controls that prevent your child from discovering inappropriate content?

Calm: Many parents turn to media to aid in calming down their child. If calm down strategies are reliant on screen time, consider seeking other coping strategies for your child. Depending on your child’s age there are different deep breathing techniques such as smelling roses and blowing bubbles for young children, or box breathing for older children. Other comforts like a stuffed animal, blankets or listening to soothing music are also helpful alternatives to screen time.  

Crowding Out: Often times, screen time can be a major distraction from other activities to enjoy as a family. If wanting to cut down on screen use, consider how your family will fill the gap of time. Do you dream of more sleep, family bike rides, or more quality time as a family? Brainstorm how you could improve family relationships or connect without screens. 

Communication: Keeping communication open about media use and screentime is helpful for both parents and children. This helps the parent to be aware of content consumption, overall use and how it is impacting your child’s health. Communication is also helpful for your child to be knowledgeable of what boundaries or expectations parents have about media use.

It also important to pay attention to different stages of development. For example, screen time use looks very different for a 2 year old versus a 15 year old. For more direction of appropriate use per stage of development visit the AAP website.

Sources: 

MedlinePlus

HealthyChildren.org

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Reparenting Yourself: An Overview

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

Reparenting yourself is an approach to healing that is rooted in inner child-type work. This takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself!

The first task is seeing that we were deserving of love, support, encouragement, etc. from caregivers when we were younger. Think about a younger version of yourself who was really going through a tough time. Imagine them sitting next to you. If you asked them what they need, what would they say? Would they be able to name a caregiver who fulfills these needs?

The second task is recognizing that our caregiver(s) were flawed humans and for whatever reason were not able to give those things to us. Deep down you may have been longing all this time for a parental figure you never got; one you may not ever be able to have because it simply is not possible for them. Over time, we develop schemas about the world, other people, and ourselves.

Examples of negative schemas:

“My father was unreliable so ALL men can’t be trusted”

“I am hard to understand, so I am hard to love”

“When I’m not perfect, I don’t have value. I need to work as hard as possible at everything I do”

“My needs aren’t as important as others’, so I have to do everything for everyone else before doing anything for myself”

These thoughts may have provided a sense of safety and security in our youth, but as fully developed people, they no longer serve us in that way.

The third task of this (my favorite part) is being able to intentionally give ourselves the things that we’ve been craving. As adult, you are likely dealing with the same unmet needs from childhood. NOW you have the agency to choose or ask for support in meeting those needs. Reparenting yourself means you can select reparative experiences for yourself that make you feel good or help you grow.

Some examples of reparenting may be:

• A person who grew up desiring more physical affection from loved ones may surround themselves with friends who are consistently consensually affectionate.

• Someone who wanted more encouragement or validation growing up may find it healing to practice positive self-talk and affirmations in the mirror.

• A child who grew up feeling constantly unsafe may find peace in the ability as an adult to choose a home or neighborhood that makes them feels safe.

Parents: I am not blaming you. An adult child reparenting themselves does not mean you failed. Maybe there were times where you were (for any reason really) unable to give them what they expected and needed from you. I’d be willing to bet that you yourself have unmet needs from your own childhood. This is an intergenerational cycle that you can choose to interrupt. It’s never too late to reparent yourself! You’ve been yearning for things for far too long now and you deserve to give them to yourself!

Extras/Resources:

Article by Bryce Godfrey on impacts of unmet needs and some specifics about how to reparent yourself

YouTube video by Katie Morton, LMFT that provides an overview of reparenting using yourself and/or a therapist

Book by Yong Kang Chan provides a more in-depth look at the process of reparenting

Parenting Styles and Course Corrections

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

In the world of psychology, we tend to group parenting styles into 4 categories, which occur along a continuum. This construct was originated by Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s who did extensive work observing toddler behavior and drawing connections between parenting styles and the effects on toddlers. Here are the 4 styles:

Permissive: LOW STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. No rules or consequences, loving, affectionate, approving.

Authoritative: HIGH STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. Clear Expectations and rules. Loving, empathic, firm.

Authoritarian: HIGH STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Disciplinarian, hostile, rigidity.

Neglectful/Uninvolved: LOW STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Absent, unavailable, unpredictable.

We know from considerable research that authoritative parenting is associated with the best outcomes for children. These parents are warm, responsive, and empathic. They also CALMLY set realistic, developmentally appropriate behavioral expectations. Across culture and family forms, the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles produces poorer outcomes, affecting self-esteem, social skills, and academic performance as well as being associated with substance abuse and mental health struggles.

When family units experience major stressors – a death in the family, financial hardship, a pandemic, divorce/parental recoupling – parents whose baseline is the authoritative parenting bucket can slip into one of the other categories without realizing this shift has occurred. For example, a parent’s guilt over a divorce may lead to never telling a child “no” (permissive parenting). A parent’s stress and anxiety over a job loss can lead to reacting instead of responding (authoritarian parenting). We should expect these parenting style micro-oscillations to occur alongside the stressful experiences parents encounter in the modern world. What’s important is that parents bring self-awareness and curiosity to how stressors affect their parenting styles. This type of self-reflection allows parents to course correct and return to their baseline of authoritative parenting. To course correct you can’t get tangled up in shame; expect, even anticipate, that you will make mistakes. When stressors enter your life, make a practice of thinking and talking through (with yourself, a spouse, a co-parent, or a therapist) what aspects of high-structure-high-warmth parenting may feel especially hard under these circumstances.

And, never underestimate the power of a well-placed reminder such as the above diagram, printed out and placed on the fridge or mirror.

Equal or Equitable? Deciding what to spend on your kids.

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

With graduation season right around the corner, the issue of what or how much to give your graduate will be much discussed in the coming weeks. And it raises the larger question of equal spending on gifts when you have more than one child. The Wall Street Journal recently asked me my thoughts on this topic. I’ve shared and expanded on them below for those who are not subscribers.

Parents typically want to spend the same amount of money on each child in the spirit of fairness. But an event like graduation complicates the situation. Birthdays happen annually for each of the children, but a graduation is a one-off situation, causing parents to calculate amounts in their head and strain their memories to remember what was gifted older children for comparable graduations.

Spending equal amounts on children, generally, is a sound policy, though it is a complicated formula. When you have siblings in varying age categories, or when parents’ financial circumstance change over time, or parents split up and re-partner – those are circumstances that can affect an “equal spending” mantra. Additionally, there are many other places parents spend money on children throughout a year that might need to be part of the equation.

Instead of pure equality in dollar amounts, parents should strive for fairness over time rather equal spending at each gift giving opportunity. Fair does not necessarily mean equal. Fairness considers the larger context, specific circumstances, and each child as an individual.

Suppose your middle schooler wants a pair of super pricey sneakers for his or her birthday. While this means nothing to a 7-year-old sibling at this juncture, when that child reaches middle school but is told, for example, she cannot have the expensive hair straightener she is requesting that cost about the same. These feelings may be directed at you the parent, the sibling, or internalized to mean something about how you feel about her.

You’ll also see this in reverse as parents are able to spend more on younger siblings as the older ones move out or parents begin to do better financially. An older sibling may feel some kind of way when his younger brother is given a brand-new iPhone for his 14th birthday but at 14 all he got was “crummy refurbished laptop.” Again, these feelings may manifest as resentment and anger at the parents, the sibling or both. Or the child may internalize this to mean their parents have a favorite child.

With a goal of fairness over time it becomes easier to consider other costs such as extra curricular activities. If one child is involved in travel sports that eats greatly into a family’s budget, and another child is into electronics, it might be fair to spend more on the second child’s electronic gifts at Christmas or their birthday than the gifts purchased for their athletic child. These things can and typically do balance out over time.

It’s also important to consider your individual children. Some children care more about these things than others. It can be helpful to know your child’s love language to you can better assess what each most needs and deems important. A quality time or acts of service kid might not pay any attention to the gifts given to a sibling if they are personally getting the quality time or meeting their acts of service needs consistently. This is also a way to consciously attend to the ways equity and fairness are not always about equality. Parents can discover their child’s love language via this site.

There are different quizzes for different age groups.

I believe in being as age appropriately open, honest, and transparent as possible with your children when it comes to most issues, this includes money and finances. Open up around how you make decisions around buying gifts and spending money in general. Kids don’t need all the specifics, but you can let them in on your process. This is how they begin to learn about making financial decisions. These are great topics for family meetings and a positive way to break the taboos many families have around not talking about money.

When children are included in conversations and provided insight into how you make decisions, resentment is less likely and securing their buy in and cooperation becomes easier. When you don’t talk to children, they fill in the blanks themselves and make up their own stories about what things mean in relation to themselves. Children understand more than most parents give them credit for, and even if they don’t fully understand, they’re willing to go along If they are made to feel included and allowed to have a voice in the process.

Lastly, if there are wounds that around this topic impacting sibling and/or the parent-child relationship, a family therapist can help you navigate the healing process.

What is your relationship to your screen(s)? And how does it show up in your relationships?

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By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

There may be hours throughout the day when I haven’t looked at my phone, and haven’t even picked it up from my night table the evening before. But there are certainly many (many) other moments when I find myself mindlessly scrolling, using my phone for one thing (like, checking the weather) only to find myself texting, or on Instagram, and completely forgetting to check if it is actually going to rain. Perhaps worse, my partner or my child will be talking to me, needing my undivided presence and attention, and I will be distracted by my phone. I will readily admit that my relationship with my screens, isn’t where I’d like it to be, nor is it what I want to be modeling as a parent.

I know I am not alone in this quest. Almost every client (or friend, or family member) I talk to about their phone use, will readily admit that they use their phone too much. That social media brings depression and anxiety to their lives yet they can’t find a way to stop. For many of us, our phones are the last thing we look at before bed, and the first thing we look at when we wake up. And it is making an impact on us, and our relationships.

A few thoughts for those of us who may be wanting a reset button on our screens:

• Designate a few times a day when you do not have your phone out. Perhaps this is during your morning routine, as you make coffee and prepare for the day. I would highly recommend tech-free meals - which creates an opportunity to have a more mindful eating experience, but also, to connect with your colleagues during lunch time (or quietly by yourself!) and your loved ones at the end of the day.

• Utilize your screen time app. Apple came out with the capacity for us to better track our phone usage. You can set app limits (I try to do only 30 minutes on social media a day!) There is a “downtime” option, which allows you to go semi-dark from your calls and apps. Overall, it’s helpful to see how much time you are on your phone. The number might be absolutely shocking, and can be a great starting place to reassess your usage. Some tips on how to do this effectively, here.

• How much do you talk to your partner during the day? Many of us are in constant contact with our partners and friends throughout the day. Whether that is texting, Instagram messaging, Snap chatting etc. Try limiting your contact throughout the day, and make the moment when you get home from work an opportunity to actually hear about your partner’s day. It’s easy to tune out if you have already heard everything through text in a play by play starting at 9 am. Make the end of day reunion a meaningful opportunity to connect, tech-free.

• Make a tech-free date night. The majority of the couples I work with talk about increasing intimacy, connection, and communication as their main goals. One of the go-to interventions is date night. But, if date night is spent with one or both partners on their phones, or constantly being pulled out of the IRL conversation to respond to a text or a call elsewhere, our ability to open up, become more vulnerable and intimate is hampered. Turn your phone on silent, put it away and look at each other.

A few other articles on the topic:

How Your Smartphone Might Sabotage Your Relationship

Tips for Parents to Put Away their Phones

Screen Time is Sabotaging Our Relationships

Does Screen Time Mess Up our Relationships?

Transition to Parenthood Series

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By Sasha Taskier AMFT

The First Year of Parenthood

As 2018 comes to a close, I find myself transported back to the end of 2017, when I was just a few days away from giving birth and becoming a mother. It feels almost impossible to think that I now have a one year old, and while the end of 2017 seems like it was just yesterday - the growth, change and complete transformation make it feel like a lifetime ago. 

As I continue to read, discuss (and experience) the topic of matrescense (read my post here) and the transition to parenthood in both my personal and professional life, it is clear that while becoming a parent is instant, the transformation is multifaceted, complicated and comes in waves. 

The same is true for the transition to co-parenting. You and your partner are both experiencing a personal transformation (which may happen at different rates, and in different ways), AND the level of teamwork, support and coordination required of the couple is greater than it has ever been. 

Here are some of what I found to be the most helpful lessons for individuals and co-parents for the first year of baby! My hope, as always, is that transparency and discourse will help validate your experiences and continue to create a space for these topics to be explored and discussed amongst other mothers, parents & between co-parents!

1.  Maternal Gatekeeping is a term I first heard in How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn.  The term refers to a very common occurrence: a mother openly and perhaps aggressively criticizes her partner for doing things “wrong” with the baby. Whatever it may be - changing, feeding, carrying etc. Mom guards the role of “baby expert” and rather than getting the help she needs (and wants!) she is cutting her partner’s confidence down with each critique. 

Eventually, this results in a parent (usually a father) feeling so demoralized and attacked, that he retreats from the parenting arena, leaving mom to her own devices, and feeling potentially abandoned and isolated. This is also where the team mentality can shift; mom thinks, its me & baby against the world because we are alone and my partner isn’t helpful, rather than the preferred position of mom & dad being a unified team, managing and troubleshooting the demands of parenting together. As you might imagine, if the first mindset (mom & baby against the world) is maintained long term can have very serious ramifications on the couple’s relationship both as lovers and co-parents.

So, my recommendation is, let your partner learn how to care for the baby on his or her own. Let them have the opportunity to put the diaper on backwards, or play too quickly after eating … they will learn. If the learning curve feels too scary, perhaps try a softer start up, like “Thank you so much for feeding the baby, it is so helpful. I have noticed that when I do this (what you’d like to see your partner doing) the baby reacts positively.”  Then leave the room, or the house, and allow your partner to take ownership over the task. No one needs to be micromanaged by their spouse.  

If this sounds really familiar, perhaps explore some of these questions - why do I need to be the baby expert? Am I scared to share this role with my partner? Who benefits if I am the only parent who feels confident with our child? What are the cycles and patterns that come up for us when this happens?

2. Create a sleep agreement with your partner. There is nothing worse than when your baby gets up in the middle of the night and you and your partner are fighting over who will be on baby duty. While biological mothers have greater sensitivity to their baby’s cries (thanks, evolution!), we are not exactly our most generous, patient selves at 3 am. A simple solution is agreeing beforehand, so everyone can be on the same page. Figure out what works for your family - if that is taking turns every night, or allocating certain days of the week - know the plan before you go to bed, so if you do have to get up, you can just focus on the baby and don’t have to worry about fighting with your partner.

 Same goes for sleeping in! Figure out what works for your family (work schedules/travel etc. allowing) - and give yourselves an opportunity to catch some precious sleep in the morning, (especially if your baby is an early riser!) Just make sure you agree to it the night before, so there is no unnecessary conflict when you could be depositing an extra hour into your sleep bank. 

3. Find your easy, accessible ‘self care’ go-tos, and do them often. Everyone knows the expression, you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are not giving yourself at least something during the week, you are likely not able to show up for your child, your spouse, your job etc. Figure out a few simple, affordable, & quick escapes for yourself that make the biggest difference, and figure out a time during your week that you have some childcare, some wiggle room, or negotiate taking turns with your spouse (maybe you get the morning, they get the afternoon, or you get Saturday, they get Sunday - whatever works!) 

Some examples - a bath; reading a book, going for a run outside, meeting a friend for a walk or coffee or drink. These all can be done in an hour and make the world of difference. Do not skimp on this. 

4. Do not give up everything from your life before baby. We live in a society where the culture of parenting can be relentless. (Great article here.) There can be a narrative that once you have a child you have to give up on your old life. While yes, there is a lot that will change, you are still you. Becoming a parent doesn’t mean giving up on everything but your kids. In fact, you will be a better parent if you model your dedication to lifelong hobbies, the importance of taking time for yourself, and that adults are still allowed to have fun. 

If you are a lifelong soccer player - find a way to stay in a weekly league; if you are a painter - find a way to make time to go to a painting class or paint at home (while someone else watches the baby). Yes, it will be hard to find the time and it may potentially be painful to separate from your child for a few hours, but you are investing in yourself long term and that will only make you a better version of yourself, and therefore, a better parent. And hopefully it goes without saying, support your partner in their own efforts - it will serve you both.

5. Find ways to enjoy staying in. One of the biggest transitions parents name is the amount of time they stay at home. It never used to be a big deal to grab dinner, go to the movies, or meet up with friends in the evening - now, unless you have a babysitter (or are a very lucky few who have live in support), you are putting the baby to bed, and staying in yourselves. Embrace this shift and try to find opportunities to enjoy it, both individually and as a couple. 

This might mean watching a new series together, or picking up at home yoga practice that you can do in the living room, it could even be cooking your way through a cookbook you’ve been drooling over; all of these are activities you can get into solo or enjoy with a partner or friend in the post baby bedtime hours.

6. Prepare for the financial surprises and stressors that will arrive with baby. There is a lot you can do to try and make the first year with baby a little less stressful financially. When you first become pregnant (or before, if you are super organized!), you can begin by saving monthly for funds that can go towards extraneous hospital fees, decorating the nursery, saving for maternity leave (if you do not have paid leave, or if you are planning to extend your time at home without paid leave), and extra childcare and every day costs. 

Obviously there are certain things one can anticipate - like diapers for instance, but it’s hard to anticipate everything. Give yourself a little wiggle room and realize that it takes many months to adjust to this new little person in your home. A little person whose needs may change and shift faster than you can change your budget. You may decide breastfeeding is not for you - and have to start spending more money on formula. You may decide that the last thing on earth you can do is clean your home, and you need some extra help. Or perhaps there is a change in your child careplan, and you need to switch things up last minute. Whatever it is - be gentle with yourself and your partner - and realize that perhaps the hardest part of parenting is relinquishing control.  

6. Budget extra time to your departures. You may be used to getting yourself ready and out the door; perhaps it takes you a cool 15 minutes, or you know you need an hour. You and your partner may have the same idea around time (ie. both of you prefer to be 10 minutes early, or are always running 30 minutes behind schedule!) but a lot of couples struggle to align around time and it causes a lot of repeat conflict. 

Now, add a little human into the mix! It’s going to take some time to figure out how long it takes to get your little one ready (with all their accessories/ depending on the season etc.) Once you know that, add another 10-15 minutes. Somehow, transit always takes a little longer than you anticipated and since time management is already a hot button for so many couples (even without children!) adding an extra time cushion a helpful way to avoid unnecessary partner strife. 

7. Milestones will happen - comparison is not your friend. It is hard not to compare ourselves to others in our day to day. Somehow, it seems even harder not to compare our little ones - especially when we see them side by side with another. It’s tempting to ask the parents about milestones, or even brag about your own baby’s accomplishments…totally normal, AND, be mindful that these can create a source of anxiety around milestones that happen at different rates for different kids. For the most part, barring any sort of serious condition or developmental delay, your child will crawl, your child will feed themself, they will learn to walk and talk because we all do! Try not to get stuck on the comparison train, and work to stay present and enjoy the time with your little one, because it’s likely you will look back on this time and miss the early days. 

8. There are parts of parenting that you may not like. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child, or love being their parent. This one feels like the most *shameful* topic and that’s why I want to address it; to me, this is an extension of the conversation around not loving your baby immediately. There is a lot of pressure on parents, mothers specifically, that they love everything about time with their child. While that certainly is true for many parents, it is absolutely not the only truth. Having a baby can be exhausting, infuriating, boring, and isolating (amongst other feelings!); and it can be interspersed between moments of joy, wonder and love. It is mixed, and it is hard to ride that wave day in and day out. 

Some parents choose to be with their children 24/7, and others choose (or do not have the choice) to go back to work, which inherently limits their time with their children. I know some parents who wish more than anything that they could stay home with their babies, and others who thrive being at work and find that they are better parents because the time with their babies is more precious. There is no right answer. Do what works for you -- you can love your child with every part of your being, and also dislike parenting them at times. You can enjoy reading books and playing, but bath time and feeding may feel like your personal hell. It may be the reverse for others. Do what feels good for you and your family and do not let yourself feel like you’ve failed because parts of this don’t come so easy.

Additional resources on the transition to parenthood: Becoming Us, Elly Taylor

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn 

The Birth of a Mother, Dr. Alexandra Sacks, M.D.

• Watch her TED talk

Survival Guide for the Fourth Trimester, Christina Caron for the NYTimes

You Might Not Love Your baby Immediately, Sara GaynesLevy 

Raising Boys in the Era of #MeToo

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

I recently contributed to an article on Fatherly.com entitled “7 Toxic Phrases Parents Need to Stop Saying to Their Sons.” As is typical in articles like this, only a few of my thoughts made it into the final draft. This, along with my initial appearance on the Married AF podcast where we discussed the concept of toxic masculinity and the challenges of raising boys during the #metoo era, left me wanting to expand on the mixed and problematic messages boys receive throughout their lives about what it means to be a man.

Here are some of the common phrases today’s men grew up hearing. While many parents have softened, or removed, many of these from their lexicon they are alive and well in media and deeply imbedded into the narrative of our society.

1.     “Only girls wear pink/nail polish/dresses” or “Long hair/dolls/dress up is for girls”

As women began to fight for their rights, it became more socially acceptable for women to dress like men, wear short hair, forgo makeup, etc. If we are truly working towards equality, or better yet, equity, then this needs to be a two-way street. It can’t only be okay for girls to adopt things society has deemed masculine, it also must be acceptable for boys to embrace things society claims are feminine. If girls can be fully expressive, boys must be allowed to do the same. Adopting a less binary and restrictive view of gender norms is helpful for everyone.

2.     “Boys don’t cry”

This phrase teaches boys that “softer” emotions belong to girls, preventing boys from being fully human and having the full human experience. It teaches them that only certain emotions are acceptable, and others must be quashed. Part of why many men struggle with relationships and regulating emotions is because we, as parents and a society, have told them that expressing emotions other than anger shows weakness and being weak is not acceptable. Anger is easier to grab than pain, sadness, or fear. And when all you are given is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

3.     “Toughen up/Man up/Don’t be a sissy”

Life is full of loss, challenges, hurts, and disappointments. When we tell boys they must be stoic in the face of life’s ups and downs, we make it impossible for them process their complete range of emotions. When emotions are not felt and processed they come out or are coped with in unhealthy ways. The results of unhelpful or unhealthy coping can be violence, alcohol or drug use, physical ailments, and mental health issues.

4.     “You throw/hit/run/play like a girl”

When we say this to boys we are teaching them that girls are less than. We are giving permission for them to view women and girls as not enough, less than, unworthy. We are telling them that men are better than women and girls.  Mind you boys have many important and influential women in their lives. They have moms, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, female cousins, teachers, and coaches whom they love. Yet we tell boys that doing anything like them is shameful? How does that make sense? Constantly being told that women are less than or not people to be admired or emulated can lead to entitlement and a belief that even the most reprehensible of men is somehow innately better than the most intelligent, creative, compassionate, talented, and powerful woman. See the problem?

5.     “Boys will be boys”

This excuse does a serious disservice to boys and society at large. It teaches boys that they are not responsible for their own actions and are not going to be held accountable for their behaviors. In addition, it steals their self-efficacy. It says men and boys can’t help themselves. Why this is one is particularly problematic is that it feeds into societal myths around domestic violence and sexual harassment and assault and contributes to the continual victim blaming we see happening all around us.

Doing it differently

More and more parents are expressing concerns about raising boys in the aftermath of #metoo. Here are a few of the questions I have been asked in recent months:

·      How do I help my sons understand consent and sexual harassment?

·      How do I help my teenager understand the inappropriateness and severe ramification of asking for, sending, or receiving naked SnapChats/texts/Facebook messages, etc.?

·      What can I do to counteract the messages my son is getting from friends, media, and society?

·      How do I help my son grow up to have close, meaningful relationships?

·      What steps should I take to ensure my son can fully express and manage his emotions in a healthy way?

There are not simple, straightforward answers to these questions, but feminist thought can provide parents a foundation for how to develop a more equitable household, and society, for the benefit of all genders. Removing a few phrases from our vocabulary, like those discussed above, and knowing some things not to do, while a step in the right direction, is only the beginning. Embracing feminism yourself and raising boys to be feminists will help them develop a healthy understanding of equality, equity, power, oppression, and empathy. The readings suggested below can spark discussion and provide opportunities to question how we’ve historically raised boys into men, and how we might do things differently moving forward

Articles

·      In the #MeToo Era, Raising Boys to be Good Guys by David McGlynn

·      Six Ways Dads Can Raise Feminist Sons by Kristy Ramirez

·      How to Raise a Feminist Son by Claire Cain Miller

Books

·      Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks

·      The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Part IV: Sex after baby.

Most of us have heard the age-old narrative that your sex life disappears after you have children. You are exhausted and sleep feels substantially more important than sex; perhaps your focus and intimacy is on the baby – not on each other; or, perhaps your body no longer feels desire or arousal the way it once did. No matter the reasons (and there are countless more), for some, it is a terrifying prospect that your once beloved sex life may be one of the casualties in the transition to parenthood.

There is good news: Your sex life does not have to disappear when you become a parent. It does, however, have to change and evolve for your new life and the new (very significant) constraints of having a baby. The key is to approach this change with care, curiosity and flexibility for yourself and your partner.

Let’s visit some of the significant constraints that new parents face in rebuilding their sexual relationship and therapeutic strategies you can use to address them:

1. Sleep Deprivation; This is perhaps the biggest reason that parents name when they discuss the difficulty in reigniting their sexual relationship, post baby. Especially if your child hasn’t begun to sleep in longer stretches, the idea of trading in precious sleep for sex is hard to imagine.

It’s also important to note that sleep deprivation and exhaustion can impact your hormone levels, increase anxiety and irritability, and has been associated with greater conflict between partners. It’s hard to imagine wanting to have sex or any type of physical intimacy when your sole focus is trying to maintain enough energy for a baby whose needs are continuous.

Strategy: Take turns with the night time feedings and early wake ups (if you can) so each of you can get some longer stretches. Offer support if you know your partner is especially tired. If you are breastfeeding, your partner can sit with you during a middle of the night feeding - even if he can’t “do” anything, his presence is important and signifies that you are a team. You may be sleep deprived, but you are exhausted together, and can see the experience as a bonding one. Sex might not be on the table at this point (it is likely you will want to wait until you have more energy) but building the foundation of your new co-parenting role can be incredibly intimate, and knowing you are a united front will ultimately translate into an easier transition towards physical intimacy when the time is right. (There is nothing that will put you in the mood less than fighting with your partner about who is more tired. So, try to stay on the same team and avoid the rabbit hole of sleep resentment.)

2. Hormonal impact; the hormonal impact on your postpartum body can be very significant. Many women report feeling like they’re on an emotional roller coaster in the first few weeks and months after giving birth. (Read more about the signs and impact of postpartum depression and anxiety here.)

Breastfeeding mothers are producing a hormone called prolactin, while necessary for lactation, it is also responsible for lowering libido. Breastfeeding mothers bodies often suppress ovulation and their lower estrogen levels impact cervical mucus. Vaginal dryness may be an issue – causing sexual intercourse to be less enjoyable and even painful. If that wasn’t enough, breastfeeding also lowers female testosterone, which contributes to overall decreased libido. Source

Strategy: Talk to your doctor or therapist about concerns if you notice signs of postpartum depression or anxiety in yourself or your partner. If you are ready to have sex but it feels unpleasant, you can use a water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness and consult with your doctor for other alternatives. Most of all, remember what your body went through; give it time, and communicate if you are in pain. Share with your partner what you know about the shift in your hormones and the potential impact that may have on your libido. This will help create an environment of openness and help him or her understand that your lack of arousal may not be about them at all (they will likely have their own beliefs and reasons for why this is happening.)

3. Mismatched needs & expectations; This bullet point could be the topic of an entire book. Childbirth in couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) is entirely one-sided for a period of time. The parent who gives birth will inherently bear the burden in a different way, and if she breastfeeds, that one sidedness can continue for months (or years) postpartum. All this to say, that especially in heterosexual couples, fathers may have a difficult time understanding the multitude of changes happening in his partner’s mind and body. These factors impact desire and arousal, and it may cause frustration and confusion between partners that there has been a significant change in the couples’ sex life and perceived desire for one another.

Strategy:  Talk about expectations with one another; so much of this chapter requires an open, honest dialogue about what is happening for each of you. Many partners may make assumptions about the reason for the changes in their sex lives; without asking your partner what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically, you may be completely missing the mark (and missing an opportunity to help.)

If this topic feels particularly fraught or scary, I’ve listed a number of resources at the bottom of the post that you and your partner can look to and, you can always schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or sex therapist to better understand and process the new sexual dynamics in your relationship.

4. Body insecurity, low self-esteem and not feeling sexy; Women – you just did something miraculous: you grew a human life inside of you for the better part of a year, and then went through a significant medical event in order to deliver the child. Your body went through a trauma and you may not be feeling your best, or look the way you did prior to your pregnancy.

In our current medical model, women have a 6 week postpartum check up (after a vaginal birth) in which, if everything is ok, they can be “cleared” to have sex with their partner. OBGYNs often hear their patients begging for more time, asking for a medical excuse to postpone this event, while many fathers are waiting anxiously for the green light.

Strategy: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready at that point to jump back in the saddle; be gentle with your body and yourself. You may need more time to heal than a 6-week window. Take it slow and do what you need to do in order to feel your best. That can be anything from making sure you take a shower each morning, to putting on some makeup, to making sure you go for a walk outside and feel the fresh air, and drinking enough water each day. Self care looks different for each of us.

5. Overwhelmed by the new workload & lack of time; There are only so many hours in a day. Those hours are significantly decreased when you take on a newborn feeding schedule, or are chasing a baby around. Your free time feels virtually non-existent, and it can feel like there is a never-ending mountain of work (both domestic and professional) that builds. These stressors can act as a “brake” to halt sexual arousal and desire (Nagowski). If our minds are always thinking about what needs to get done or how stressed we are, we will likely have a much more difficult time transitioning to a sexy mindset.

Strategy:  If we know our sexual drive and desire is negatively correlated with stress levels, this can be an opportunity to our partners not to complain about the lack of sex, but to ask – “what do you need help with?”

Parents need to practice self-care in order to be able to think about accessing desire for their partner. Often, this means lightening the load for your partner so they can have time to get back to themselves, and momentarily step out of mommy or daddy mode. Give them some time to see their friends (and get out of the house), to exercise (increased blood flow increases libido), and make sure you both are hydrated and fed (you need energy to have sex.)

Another helpful strategy for some is to schedule sex. For the partners who would like to increase the frequency in their sex lives but struggle to find the time in their schedules, try planning ahead. Either create a sexy calendar invite for your partner to let them know you are thinking about them, or have a standing date/time that you can connect physically. This requires a regular check in to make sure expectations are clear and flexibility with changing schedules. (For example, sending a text mid-day for your weekday “sexy time” to ask if your partner is still interested and committed to the plan for the evening. This not only helps avoid disappointment if things change, but can also help to build anticipation as the day goes on.)

6. Relying on baby for intimacy; This is a common trap for many new parents, especially new moms. As mentioned above, there is an evolutionary “one sidedness” to childbirth that is much more pronounced in the first months and year of a child’s life. Mothers often find themselves with longer parental leave to bond with the baby, and may choose to breastfeed, which requires nearly constant touch and necessary attunement with a baby’s feeding schedule.

This bonding is incredibly special, and it can be all consuming. This connection can feel so intense and magical that it begins to replace your partner’s intimacy. This quote from Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, describes this phenomenon beautifully:

“Children are indeed a source of nurturance for adults. Their unconditional love infuses our lives with a heightened sense of meaning. The problem arises when we turn to them for what we no longer get from each other: a sense that we’re special, that we matter, that we’re not alone. When we transfer these adult emotional needs onto our children, we are placing too big a burden on them” (Perel; Kerner & Raykeil, p. 50)

Strategy: Make time for your connection outside of baby. As a couple, you need to build your reservoirs of connection physically, but also emotionally and intellectually. Sometimes date night can be just for that – for connecting, talking, laughing, eating. You can even try a “no baby” rule on date night - talk about anything but the baby. Remember how and why you connected before you became parents. Another favorite tip about date night from Esther Perel!

(Side note about date night: It can be hard to feel sexy and in the mood after a full meal, late at night. Be clear about how you’re feeling and help to differentiate between date nights and sex. If you wait for sex only on date night, it may be a while, and it can heighten the pressure around the evening.)

This list of constraints and strategies is obviously not exhaustive, and quite honestly just scratches the surface of this topic. I focused mostly on parents who are transitioning to parenthood for the first time, with one child and many of the strategies are “mother-centric”. Below are additional resources that I’ve found incredibly helpful and normalizing for couples in this stage of their transition to parenthood.

Additional Resources:

•      Love in the Time of Colic, Ian Kerner & Heidi Raykeil
•      How not to Hate your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn
•      And Baby Makes Three, John & Julie Gottman
•      Becoming Us, Elly Taylor
•      Come As You Are, Emily Nagowski

Talking with Your Teen: 5 Things to Remember

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

If social media postings, the array of parenting books, and the countless blogs and newspaper articles available are any indication, little is more mystifying, frustrating, or sanity threatening to parents than raising teenagers. Only the terrible twos and dreaded threenagers can rival teens in attitude, unprovoked outbursts, and confounding behaviors. And while at times talking to your teen may feel like you have reverted to speaking with a toddler, as a parent of teens myself, I can relate, there are a few key things that can aid you in having productive, meaningful, and relationship enhancing conversations with your teen.

1)    Leave your ego at the door.

Dr. Fred Hanna, a wise professor and therapist I know, specializes in working with some of the most challenging teenagers around. He and I share this belief that unless you can set your ego aside, there is almost no room for empathy which is key to being in any relationship, but particularly with teenagers (Hanna, 2016). While his work talks about the therapeutic relationship, I believe it is applicable to the parent/child one as well. When ego is involved a power struggle likely follows, and they rarely end positively for anyone involved. In the book, The Awakened Family, Shefali Tsabary, PhD, talks about how parenting challenges tend to stem from our ego, the blindly reactive piece of us that comes from a place of fear and a need to protect ourselves, our identity, and our desires and expectations for our children. When parents can learn to recognize when their ego is involved, the skills needed to be able to set it aside can be learned as well. Setting aside our ego allows us to take things less personally, and step into a place of empathy for the experiences of the teenagers in our lives. Teenagers often just need to be heard, and have their thoughts, experiences and feelings validated so they can reduce their own defensiveness and have space to hear you. I encourage you to watch Brené Brown’s video on empathy for a clearer understanding of the importance of empathy and consider how you might apply it in future conversations with your teen.

2)    Live your values; practice what you preach

It may seem that your teenager never listens to a word you say, but I promise they are watching everything you do. They can smell hypocrisy a mile away, and almost nothing turns them off faster. When teens in my office are the angriest at the adults in their lives, it tends to be around things they see as unjust or hypocritical. Are you setting rules and consequences based on the values you hold, and you are trying to instill in your child, or are they based the rules you grew up with, or what you have seen other set? Are they set up in a family meeting or given from the top down without any explanation other than “because I said so?”

People rarely like to be told what to do; teenagers are no different. But, when rules, or restrictions, or chores are given in context, with an explanation and discussion where there is potential for input, even teenagers can be convinced to go along. Where I have seen teenagers rebel the most is when they believe that certain rules only apply to them, or that their parents do not live by the standards and values they try to place on their children. One of the ways I have found to assist around this is to do a values exercise with parents and their teens. This can open discussions around the differing values of each member of the family, as well as opportunities to talk about how the family rules line up with its values. When you are clear about your own values, it is easier to remain consistent around the rules that you do set, providing the structure that teenagers need to thrive. As a bonus these exercises can enlighten you about both yourself and your teen. If you would give this a try here are a couple links:

https://www.nwabr.org/sites/default/files/ValuesActivities.pdf

https://www.taproot.com/archives/37771

3)    You were a teenager once too.

Do you remember yourself as a teenager? If not, I am sure your own parents would love to enlighten you about your attitude, rule breaking, talking back, and every other thing you did that made them nuts. This goes back to the empathy piece. You have an opportunity here to empathize with both your teen and your parents. Now might be a great time for that apology. You know they’re relishing that you have a teenager just like you. Take a moment to try and remember how you felt as a teenager. Put yourself back in that place where you felt unheard, unimportant, maybe even unloved. Can you remember how it felt to have your body seemingly go haywire on you? Do you recall how it felt to be left out, or have your first heartbreak, and to believe that nobody could really understand?

If you’re struggling with this, or maybe have some grandiose memories about your teenage years, or a belief that today’s teenagers are so much worse than the teens of our generation, you might want to be suspicious of your memories, as Ken Hardy discusses in Teens who Hurt. Memory becomes softer and more generous with the passage of time. In addition to its selective nature, memory also has a tendency to embellish. Few of us were as good, or respectful, or obedient, as we might like to recall. Find an old yearbook or a journal to see if you can refresh your memory a bit. Try if you can to put yourself back in that place, in those feelings. Consider what you would have liked from the adults in your life back then. See what pieces of that you can provide for you own child. Talk to your teenager, and ask overtly what they need from you, what you can do that would be helpful, and then listen to hear them, rather than listen to respond.

4)    Behaviors usually serve a purpose.

Too often it is teenage attitude and negative behaviors that get a parent’s attention. Too seldom is the question “What is the purpose of this?” asked. One of the quickest ways to determine what the potential purpose of any particular behavior might be it to check in with your own reaction to it. For example, if your child’s behavior leaves you with feelings of being provoked, challenged, or defeated, Jane Nelson, Ed.D. author of the book Positive Discipline, would suggest that the underlying goal of the behavior is around power, and a belief that one belongs only when they are in charge or at least not being bossed around. This scenario seems to resonate with many of my teens and parents. While this book is geared more towards those parenting younger children, I think it still has value for parents of teenagers. It has the potential to offer insight into what is going on for you as well as them, aiding in setting aside ego and increasing curiosity and empathy about what your teenager’s behaviors are trying to tell you. There is a quick reference chart from the book available here to get you started.

5)    Maintaining the relationship matters most.

If you want to continue having a positive influence over your teen and have them turn to you for counsel and support, maintaining your relationship will need to take priority over being right, having control, pride, ego, or your own emotions. This one can be tough. You will often find yourself walking the fence between maintaining structure and consistency, with maintaining the relationship. Flexibility and adaptability will be key to stage in parenting. The plus side is that even when you screw up, teenagers can be some of the most forgiving people I have ever met. When you as a parent can own your mistakes, apologize, and change your behaviors accordingly, teenagers can and do forgive even some of the worst transgressions. They want to be connected to you as much as you want to be connected to them, it just looks different now.  

Raising teenagers is not always easy, but it can be the most rewarding time you ever have as a parent. There is incredible growth potential for you and for them despite its many ups and down. Remember too, you don’t have to do this alone. Family therapy can help with the challenges of transitioning into this new stage of life and parenting. A therapist can assist with a strained relationship, or support for those difficult conversations so many parents dread. We are here to help you navigate this sometimes daunting journey called parenthood.

References

Hanna, F. J., (2016). Ten powerful techniques for helping difficult adolescents to change.