How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Navigating the Seasonal Shift

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

For many, the change in seasons brings not only a shift in temperature but also a shift in mood. I often find that my clients experience noticeable emotional changes with the arrival of fall and the transition to winter. The impact of weather and changing seasons on mental health is a well-documented phenomenon. As the sunlight wanes, some individuals may experience a shift in mood often referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). However, even for those who don't meet the clinical criteria for SAD, the change in seasons can still influence emotions and well-being. Let's discuss strategies for maintaining well-being during the colder, darker months.

Acknowledge your feelings

The first step in navigating this seasonal emotional terrain is acknowledging and accepting your feelings. It's okay to notice shifts in your mood, energy levels, or motivation as the days get shorter. Understanding that these changes are a natural response to external factors can alleviate some of the pressure you might feel to be constantly upbeat.

Connect with nature

While the weather may be less inviting, try to maintain a connection with nature. Take short walks during daylight hours, even if the sunlight is scarce. Exposure to natural light can have a positive impact on mood and energy levels. Consider bringing elements of nature indoors—flowers, plants, or even a sunlight-mimicking lamp can make a difference.

Set a routine

With daylight diminishing, it's easy to let routine slip away. However, maintaining a consistent daily routine can provide a sense of stability and control. Set regular sleep patterns, make time for exercise, and prioritize activities that bring you joy. Routine can act as an anchor during times of emotional flux.

Socialize and seek support

The urge to hibernate during colder months is real, but social connections are vital for emotional well-being. Make an effort to spend time with loved ones, whether in person or virtually.

I encourage my clients to approach the seasonal shift with self-compassion. Emotions, like seasons, are ever-changing. By acknowledging, accepting, and implementing strategies to support emotional well-being, we can navigate the seasonal ebb and flow with resilience and grace.

Back to School Blues: Tips and Tricks for Helping Your Kids Study

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With school being a few months in now, kids are back to doing homework and studying. The transition back into work from the fun of the summer can be tough. It can be hard for kids to switch back into having to do homework and focus on lessons throughout the day. It is important to make sure your kids are having an effective and productive study time.

Here are some helpful tips for any parents struggling to get their kids to complete homework assignments or study for tests/quizzes:

Eliminate any distractions

• Kids can be distracted by things in their environment such as toys, tv, music, siblings, electronic devices, etc. so it is important to make sure they have a clean and clear study space where they can just focus on the tasks at hand. It is also a good idea for kids to have a specific space where they do their homework preferably not in the same space as where they like to relax or go to sleep. It can be helpful and more motivating for kids to have a space that they can associate with being focused and working.

Break things up into smaller tasks

• It can be very overwhelming to cram a lot of work or studying into one session or night so make sure to break up the work. Break large tasks or assignments into smaller ones. It can help kids feel more accomplished by completing each smaller task rather than getting discouraged by a large task that takes a long time.

Create a schedule

• Creating a homework/study schedule can give kids more structure to their after-school time. They know when to start their homework, and when they can have breaks, have dinner, go to sleep, etc. Having a schedule can also help keep them focused and on the task at hand.

Take breaks

• It is so helpful to take breaks when it comes to maintaining focus. When we get tired or distracted, it probably means it is time to take a break. Maybe that means taking a break after a specific amount of time has passed or when a certain homework assignment or task is completed. It can be an opportunity for kids to have a reset and some time to recharge before getting back to it.

Have snacks and water

• As discussed above with taking breaks, it is also important that kids are not hungry or parched during their homework or studying time. Having snacks and water before studying (or during breaks) can help with focus and energy levels. Making sure kids are getting enough hours of sleep each night also helps with focus and energy.

Motivate and help when needed

• Parents are obviously a big factor when it comes to implementing productive study habits. Kids need help with encouragement and positive reinforcement from parents to help motivate them to maintain their hard work and habits. If kids are struggling, try to stay patient when it comes to helping them, or finding a tutor or teacher than can better guide them on how to solve the problems.

It is not always easy to get kids to study or do their homework, but it is important for parents to stay diligent and consistent with implementing these habits and tips. The more they do these tricks, the more natural it will become for them to continue doing them after school each day.

Navigating the Maze: Understanding High Functioning Anxiety

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it manifests differently in each individual, there is an unofficial subtype often labeled as High Functioning Anxiety. So what is that exactly?

High functioning anxiety is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it's a term used to describe individuals who outwardly appear to have their lives together while silently battling persistent anxiety beneath the surface.

Some of the key characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety include:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in every aspect of their lives.

• Overthinking: Constant overthinking and ruminating about past events or future scenarios.

• Procrastination: Ironically, some individuals with high functioning anxiety may procrastinate tasks due to the fear of not meeting their own high standards.

• Constant Worry: Excessive worrying, even about trivial matters, is common as well.

• Difficulty Relaxing: People with high functioning anxiety may find it challenging to relax or "switch off," always feeling the need to be productive or busy.

• Physical Symptoms: While not always present, physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and gastrointestinal issues are common too.

So how is it different from typical anxiety? The main difference between high functioning anxiety and typical anxiety is the ability to maintain a presence of “normal”. High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed because individuals suffering from it have developed coping mechanisms to navigate daily life effectively. They may excel at work, maintain social relationships, and fulfill responsibilities, all while concealing their inner stress and anxiety. 

If you think you might suffer from this, here are some tips to help manage it better. 

• Self-awareness: Recognizing and accepting that you have high functioning anxiety is crucial. Understand that it's okay and often necessary to seek help and support.

• Therapy: A therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with anxiety symptoms as well as navigate some of the underlying causes for your anxiety.

• Medication: Medication prescribed by a healthcare professional may be necessary and very helpful to alleviate anxiety symptoms - usually in conjunction with talk therapy.

• Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and relaxation techniques as often as possible.

• Set realistic goals: Challenge the need for perfectionism and set achievable, reasonable goals for yourself. Practice self-compassion.

• Establish boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

• Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Often, simply talking about your anxiety can provide some relief.

If You feel Adrift at Work, Try This Exercise

By Anne DeCore, lmft

We all experience periods in our professional lives that feel adrift. Sometimes it’s a feeling of disconnect to your work persona, your work culture, your work goals. When this happens, one place to start is with a values check-in. It may be that your values are out of alignment with the path your on at work. Clarifying and ranking values is an insightful exercise that can help you clarify the path forward.

1. Start by making a list of your core values:

Values are chosen qualities of being and doing. They describe how you want to live your life. We don’t achieve them; rather we live in accordance with them. Examples of values are: cooperation, creativity, freedom, justice, generosity, industry, responsibility, persistence, trust, spirituality, adventure, gratitude, etc.

2. Next, ask yourself:

Do my values connect to my work identity and goals? If so, how? When goals are detached from values, we tend to lose a sense of purpose. When goals flow from values we tend to feel motivated. Goals that flow from values are inherently more meaningful.

3. Close the gap:

Explore what you need to do to infuse your values back into your work life. Subtle tweaks or radical changes? Grant yourself permission to think beyond practical constraints. Even if you can’t implement the necessary changes immediately, it will soothe you to know that when the time comes, you’re already clear on what will guide you.

Values are enduring. Goals are finite.

Guiding Yourself: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

In the midst of life's hustle and bustle, finding moments of calm can feel like an elusive quest. I often find myself sitting with clients who are struggling to navigate stress and anxiety in their lives and are unsure of how to slow down. In those moments, I find it can be helpful to practice a mindfulness exercise together. One of my favorite mindfulness techniques is progressive muscle relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique based on the concept that physical tension and mental stress are closely connected. Developed by American physician Edmund Jacobson in the early 20th century, PMR aims to reduce both physical and mental stress by systematically tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body.

The theory behind PMR is rooted in the idea that when we consciously tense and then release muscle groups, we become more aware of the physical sensations associated with tension and relaxation. This heightened awareness allows us to recognize and differentiate between states of tension and relaxation more effectively. By repeatedly practicing PMR, we can learn to identify when we are holding tension in our bodies, even in day-to-day situations. Over time, PMR can lead to reduced muscle tension, decreased anxiety, improved sleep, and an overall sense of calm and well-being.

Step 1: Find a Quiet Space

Choose a peaceful environment where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position, and close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.

Step 2: Focus on Your Breath

Take a few slow, deep breaths to ground yourself. Inhale through your nose, feeling your lungs and belly expand, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, releasing any tension.

Step 3: Tense and Release

Begin with your toes. As you inhale, curl your toes tightly, feeling the tension in your foot. Hold for a few seconds, then exhale as you release the tension. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.

Step 4: Move Up the Body

Continue this process, moving progressively up your body. Focus on each muscle group for 5-10 seconds before releasing:

• Calves and shins

• Thighs

• Abdomen

• Chest and back

• Shoulders

• Arms and hands

• Neck and throat

• Face (forehead, eyes, cheeks, jaw)

Step 5: Embrace Sensations

As you work through each muscle group, pay attention to the sensations. Notice how tension feels different from relaxation. Notice the soothing sensation of letting go.

Step 6: Slowly Return

When you're ready, gently bring your awareness back to the present moment. Wiggle your fingers and toes, stretch your body, and open your eyes if they were closed.

There Is More When It Comes To Listening To Your Body

By Bree Minger, AMFT

Often, the phrase “listen to your body” makes one think of the body’s basic needs like hunger, thirst, and sleep. For all of those needs our bodies send us clues that tell us to grab an extra snack when we are hungry, drink a glass of water after a long walk, or head to bed a little earlier on days that just felt like too much. 

Outside of those needs, our bodies communicate other messages that are often more subtle and harder to notice. These messages are related to our emotions. They don’t just exist in our heads; emotions are held and experienced throughout our entire bodies. 

In fact, the body, through the nervous system, can inform us of our emotions before our brains can identify our feelings. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach and that is when you realize you’re nervous for a big presentation? Or have you noticed your heartbeat pick up when you are feeling lost in a place you’ve never been? What about that feeling of pins and needles on your arms as you think about having a hard conversation with a loved one? 

Each body experiences emotions differently based on past experiences, stories, or traumas. Some of these described sensations may feel familiar, and if some feel unfamiliar, you are not alone. Day to day, many people live in their head and ignore their bodily cues, sensations, discomfort, or pain. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, describes this as a muffling of one’s senses. Why may living in your head, and ignoring your body, be dangerous? A lack of connection between the brain and the rest of the body has the power to influence our interactions and relationships, as well as block the path to healing past traumas and difficulties. 

Wondering how to start listening more closely? 

1. Mindfulness is key. Paying attention to bodily sensations can allow one to more closely understand the waves of their emotions and therefore gain more control over them according to Van Der Kolk. A helpful meditation practice may begin with deep breathing or a body scan. 

2. Yoga can be an effective exercise to restore the brain and body connection. The combination of deep breathing, different postures and meditation has powerful effects. 

3. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy is an effective way to treat trauma. Different from talk therapy, EMDR allows access to memories and can be helpful to observe experiences from a different context of external stimulation, including eye movement, tapping, or other stimuli.  

Ultimately, the word “emotion” comes from the Latin word emovere or “to move out.” This tells us that healing from past traumas, both big “T” and little “t,” involves listening to our bodies and discovering the movement, rest, postures, mindfulness, and/or processing it requires. There is so much to learn about your body and how it informs who you are today. 

Curious to learn more or get started with a therapist? We have made this easy. Visit our website and fill out the intake form today.     

References: Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014. EMDR Institute, Inc. 

Not Your Typical Date Night

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Date nights have always seemed to be such a huge topic discussed for couples when it comes to connecting with one another and spending quality time. I discuss this with my clients all the time and think it is so incredibly important! But I also think there is a misconception that date “nights” need to be dinner and a movie or dinner and drinks, or something having to do with spending money. Sure, that is one way of going about having dates, but it doesn’t always have to be at night, and it doesn’t always have to cost money.

I completely understand that for those who go into the office and work a 9am-5pm job that your schedule is a bit less flexible. You can still come home and spend some time before bed at least once a week with your partner. I also think many couples (specifically those who do work at home) think that living together and being around one another is spending time, but there is a difference between that and spending quality time where you are interacting and sharing an experience.

There are so many free post work activities you can do with a partner such as cooking dinner together, going for a walk, exploring a new area of your town that you don’t usually go to, playing a card/board game, having a movie night in the living room, using the free Gottman Card Decks app and asking each other questions, going to a museum, doing an at-home workout together, and many more! Those are just a few options that don’t cost any money and don’t really take too much time. I understand after work, you might be exhausted and not in the mood to do much, but even doing one of these dates once a week can make such a difference feeling connected and in tune with one another.

For those of you that have more flexibility in your schedule throughout the day and don’t necessarily have a 9-5 job, you can still implement these dates at different times in the day, such as sitting down and having coffee or breakfast together, going for a walk, doing a workout, having a picnic in a different area or even your yard, etc. The book “8 Dates” by John and Julie Gottman is another cheap way to have meaningful and intention dates with your partner, and you’re reading something together as well.

Sometimes you must prioritize one another and find a time that works in your everyday routines. Especially those partners that crave quality time as their love language, this is a need that has to be met to feel loved, cared about, connected, and  listened to, so work as a team to find the time that is best. That may be different given the week, but that’s okay. Be creative! Find activities that the two of you really enjoy together whether that costs money or not but remember if you are trying to save money and are on a budget, dates do not have to be an added expense to worry about. There are so many free options and fun things you can do, especially when trying to take advantage of the weather while it is nice out!

Intrusive Thoughts VS. Impulsive Thoughts

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I’m sure many of you have seen tiktoks, reals, and memes about letting your intrusive thoughts win. These videos or photos are often jokes about smashing a cake randomly, or kicking someone, or breaking a plate. They are meant to be harmless and funny videos about how sometimes, we don’t have full control over our thoughts. The power of social media has made this a commonly discussed topic, which is great - mostly. There is however a large, and very important difference between intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts. 

Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, distressing, and unwanted thoughts that pop into our minds involuntarily. They are often repetitive and difficult to control or dismiss. These thoughts can be disturbing, bizarre, or even violent in nature, and they can evoke feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame. It's essential to understand that having intrusive thoughts does not mean you want to act on them or that they define who you are as a person. An example of an intrusive thought might be, you're standing on the edge of a tall building, and the thought of jumping off unexpectedly crosses your mind.

Impulsive thoughts, on the other hand, refer to thoughts that arise suddenly and compel you to act without much consideration of the consequences. They can be linked to impulsive behaviors and actions, which are often done without careful planning or foresight. Impulsive thoughts can lead to impulsive decisions, and while they might not necessarily be distressing like intrusive thoughts, they can still have significant impacts on one's life, relationships, and well-being. An example of an impulsive thought might be, you're angry with someone, and an impulsive thought urges you to yell at them without thinking about the potential damage to the relationship.

It's important to remember that both intrusive and impulsive thoughts are part of the human experience, and they don't define who we are. If you find yourself struggling with either type of thought, seeking support from a therapist can be beneficial in understanding and managing them effectively.

Love Languages: A Give and Take with Couples

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

In my experience working with couples (and individuals), the importance on love languages is very prevalent. I see it similarly to the idea of showing support. We all have our natural ways of wanting to show support given how we know we want to receive support. But when the other person doesn’t need or want to be shown support in that way, they may feel the other person doesn’t care to fulfill their needs for support accurately. The same thing goes for love languages and the way we want to receive love.

We will be talking about the five original love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. It is important to keep in mind that there may be differences in your love languages based on how you want to receive love and the way you want to show love. I find this distinction very relevant for couples work because it can take extra effort to shift your focus of showing love if the way your partner wants to receive love is different than how you naturally show love. I always tell couples that if this is the case, it doesn’t mean you can never give your partner gifts if that is how you express love; it just means that you also must make a conscious decision to put effort forth to give your partner words of affirmation if that is the way they need to receive love. Another thing to note is that many people do not just fall into one category for love languages but may be a mix of a few or have a certain priority list for which they prefer/need the most.

Words of Affirmation: A partner desires being shown love or giving love through verbal connection and affirmations. This can be as simple as an “I love you” in the morning, a sweet post-it note on the mirror, showing appreciation and acknowledgement for their efforts around the house, or even a handwritten love letter. Someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs emotional intimacy through words and hearing that a partner cares and loves them.

Acts of Service: A partner desires to be shown love when their partner is physically helpful and partakes in certain tasks, so the other person does not have to. This can be concrete tasks such as the dishes, laundry, cleaning the snow off the car, picking them up from the airport after a trip, or making dinner. It can also be smaller things such as putting toothpaste on a partner’s toothbrush in the morning, filling up their water bottle, starting the shower for them, etc. When living with a partner, there are many options of tasks around the home that can be done to show acts of service especially knowing a partner’s everyday routine.

Gifts: People who love gifts or gift-giving don’t always view this is as some grand gesture. Often, it is the little things that can make a partner feel special such as picking up their favorite meal from the grocery store, bringing back something they were running low on, their favorite sweet treat, flowers, and anything that made you think of them. A person with gifts as their love language just wants a partner to show they love them by thinking of them in little (or big) ways in the form of a physical item. To know their partner went somewhere and thought of them makes all the difference.

Quality Time: A person who needs to be shown love through quality time just wants to physically and mentally be present with a partner. They thrive from doing activities with a partner even activities like running errands, driving around, playing a game, going on a walk, going on a date somewhere, etc. It is so important to keep in mind that quality time is different than just passive time together such as living together and going about your routines and watching a show or movie. A partner who desires quality time wants the quality in it. Maybe try putting phones away and just enjoying each other’s company one on one.

Physical Touch: A person or partner who needs physical touch to be shown love doesn’t always want the touch to be sexual, even though that is part of it. Physical touch can be as innocent as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They feel most loved through someone physically expressing it to them and feeling a partner wanting to be close to them.

Now that we have gone over the five original love languages, it is important to figure out which love languages you gravitate the most towards whether that be one main way of showing and receiving love, or a mix of a few. It is also essential to understand the way your partner gives and wants to receive love. Like stated before, you can still show a partner love in the way that is natural and feels good for you to do so, but it is necessary to also learn their love languages to understand how you can show them love and when they are also showing you love in their natural way. It is a way to better understand each other and recognize when your partner is expressing their care and appreciation. There are many love languages quizzes and books to learn more such as: 5lovelanguages.com and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

How to Improve Your Work/Life Balance

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Work is a necessary part of our lives. Whoever said if you love what you do you’ll neve work a day in your life was simply incorrect, in my opinion. As a therapist who absolutely adores my job and going to work most days, there are still days I wish I could be a stay at home human (not wife or mom, just human). 

People work to pay their bills, keep a roof over their heads, feed themselves, and enjoy some fun things in life. That does not mean that work should be your whole identity. In fact, creating an identity around your career can cause issues with identity later in life, as well as rob you of your free time. When we identify SO heavily with our job we can often feel responsible for staying late, taking on extra tasks, and eventually lose all our personal time to being a workaholic. If you struggle with finding the balance between work and life, try even just one of these tips to help improve your relationship with work. 

1. USE YOUR LUNCH - I so often have clients come in and tell me they work through your lunch. It is is necessary to give yourself a break during the day, even if its for 10 minutes. Use that lunch time to spend time doing something you like - getting lunch with a coworker or friend, reading a book, getting outside. Whatever it is, just do something other than you work.

2. Set time boundaries - It can be easy to say “I’ll just work one more hour” and eventually one turns into two and then three… you get my point. Try scheduling a workout class or social plans for a specific time, so you’ll be obligated to log off, or leave the office on time. 

3. Communicate with managers - In my opinion, this applies all the time but particularly when you’re having a hard time in life. A lot of managers will work with you to accommodate what you need and to help support you - that is often a big part of their job. 

4. Say no - I know this is a tough one because saying no to your boss when they’re asking you to take on a new project, but it’s important to use discernment when taking on a project. Think about if you realistically have the time, energy and are capable of it. 

When there is little to no work life balance it often breeds a perfect environment for burnout. In order to avoid burnout we have to get ahead of the snowball. Only you are capable of changing it.

The Importance of Play

By Anne decore, lmft

In today’s world one need not look far to find stressors. On a global level we are facing environmental threats, a war in the Ukraine that approaches the one-year mark, financial market uncertainty, and a globe still trying to understand how the meaning of health and illness have been reshaped by the recent pandemic.

The pause from work and school for the winter holidays can be a time of great connection and gratitude and joy. It can also heighten emotions of anxiety, grief, and intensify family conflict. When our own personal individual contexts and stressors intersect with the shared global stressors it can feel overwhelming. It’s normal to feel depleted and burnt out at the beginning of a new year.

As a response to this overwhelm many people begin January with pledges and resolutions - issuing themselves rigid new behavioral goals. I feel such compassion for this reasonable desire to gain a sense of control and order in a world that feels out of control. The problem with the over-emphasis on resolutions is that we become outcome-focused and then when we fail to meet our goals we feel a sense of failure, followed by a lack of motivation and that familiar feeling of burn-out. When we are outcome-focused, we are assessment-focused (did I do good enough?), and we are future or past-focused, not present-focused. The outcome-focused brain state has us teetering on the edge of activating our fight or flight system.

I want to offer a different intervention this January – play.

Mammals are hard-wired for play. Humans are no exception. Play is good for our mental health because it’s about the experience: process for process’s sake. Anything that gets us INTO an experience and OUT OF outcome-focus thinking is therapeutic for the nervous system and for relationships. So why do we abandon play as we age into adults? One answer is that our society values productivity and play is not productive. It is not measurable.

But our kids can remind us of its value. Play activates imagination, creativity, team-work, belonging, wonder, and humor. Often play involves learning new skills or problem solving. Sometimes it’s just outright tomfoolery and mischief. Play connects us to our physical body and to the flow state – getting lost in the present moment. Play helps us let go of the things we can’t control. Like grey winter weather. Play allows us to transcend boundaries that exist in the practical world. Play is always available to us and it’s usually low-cost.

So what do I mean in practical terms? Jenga. A trampoline park. Puzzles. Lego. Game nights with friends (charades, trivia, board games). Wild dancing to music. Card games. Twister. Bowling. Turn your kitchen into a restaurant and give everyone a part. Set up a bean bag toss. Make costumes. Play is a word with millions of interpretations. Invite silliness. Invite invention. Invite peace. And leave your phone in another room. Don’t let a notification or the pressure to post take you away from the gift of the here and now.

Play doesn’t replace worrying about the world or about the personal challenges we are weathering. It does gives us a respite from the worrying and restores our bodies and minds so that we feel more grounded and able to face the messy parts of our lives.

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.

Breaking and Making Habits

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With the start of the new year quickly approaching, many people often re-evaluate their habits and routines wishing to start the year off on the best foot. Breaking and making new habits can be challenging, but it is not impossible. It takes time to 1. Break a habit and then 2. Make a new habit because it takes a lot of effort to re-wire and re-train your brain to stop doing something to then start doing something else. This list of tips could potentially help with the process but do keep in mind that this is a process! Even if you make missteps along the way, that doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track and continue.

• Be patient: As stated above, this is a process. On average, it can take about two months to make a behavior a habit, so it can take even longer to break a habit to then create a new one.

• With that being said, Consistency is key: Take it day by day when it comes to creating your new routine. The more you do something, the more natural it will become with time. You will start doing that behavior without evening having to put much thought to it, meaning it became a habit and pattern.

• Don’t shame yourself: You might mess up and make mistakes along the way, but that is OKAY! It is normal to ebb and flow when it comes to breaking and making habits. Show yourself grace and compassion that this is not going to happen overnight and that is to be expected. The more you shame yourself, the more discouraged you are going to feel so remind yourself you are human; therefore, you are not perfect.

• Don’t take on too many changes at once: Take things one step at a time! Taking on too many habits and changes all at once, can be incredibly overwhelming leading to slipping into old habits and doing what feels easier. Taking on a few changes at once can give you more opportunity to focus your efforts more and stay consistent.

• Be mindful: There are a few elements when it comes to being mindful. First, when it comes to breaking a habit, try to identify your triggers and what contributes to you falling into those habits. Either eliminate those triggers or try to avoid them. If a trigger is unavoidable, being mindful of how you relate and react to the trigger. Replace the “old” habit or behavior with the habit you are trying to implement instead. This is easier said than done, but that is why being mindful and self-aware in those moments is beneficial. It helps slow you down so you can check in with yourself around your what you are doing.

• Incentivize yourself: When it comes to creating new habits, rewarding yourself can help your brain draw the connection between the behavior and pleasure. This can help encourage you to desire following through more with the habit when there is a positive correlation to it.

Self Care - Redesigned

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Self care is a term that has really taken off in the past few years. As the awareness of mental health began to increase, so did the idea of self care. Unfortunately, it has become capitalized on and therefore been reduced to this idea of face masks, candles, and bubble baths. Which are absolutely a PART of self care, but not the whole. Self care is a lifestyle not a “thing” to do. So let’s talk about nine different types of self care and how to incorporate them into your life.

Physical Self-Care is taking care of physical wellness and overall health. Some ways to practice self care for your body physically are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving your body in ways that feel good, making and keeping doctor appointments, eating nutrient dense foods and getting enough fresh air/sunlight.

Emotional Self-Care is taking care of your emotions using empathy and self compassion. Ways to practice this would be journaling, therapy, emotional check ins with yourself, self compassion, releasing energy through music or art, asking for help when you need it and managing your stress.

Social Self-Care is a type of care that involves health family, friend and romantic relationships. It is important when fulfilling this type to spend time with safe people, create and maintain health boundaries, understand and follow through on your emotional battery (balancing alone time and social time depending on individual needs), and asking for support from safe people.

Spiritual Self-Care this care often involves religious beliefs, but is important to remember this involved any activity that nurtures your spirit, soul and allows you to think about something bigger than yourself. Examples include meditation, yoga, going to a place of worship, spending time in nature, prayer, reflecting, etc.

Personal Self-Care prioritizes doing things that honor what you enjoy, need and want. This can include enjoying hobbies, treating yourself (traditional self care of face masks, spa, candle, etc), trying something new, and spending time alone.

Home Environment Self-Care can be a bit of a challenge for some because this can often be out of your control, particularly for kids and teens. This type of self care involved maintaining a safe, functional and comfortable home space. This can look like having physical safety and stability, but also includes having a clean, comfy organized space in whatever form that applies to you.

Financial Self-Care is another challenging one because it often can be somewhat out of people’s control. This means maintaining financial goals and obligations. Self-care in this form often involves saving, researching budget information, paying bills, managing money and budgeting, and getting advice from financial experts (this can be personalized, but also through a podcast or internet source).

Intellectual Self-Care addresses the inner thinker and lifetime learner that exists in all of us. This type of care involves expanding your knowledge, mindset or reasoning. Some examples to foster this include reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, or even researching into a specific topic that interests you.

It is not necessary to do all of these everyday because first, that’s unrealistic and second, you don’t usually need all nine in one day. There will be some moments you are craving intellectual self care, so lean into that. There will be seasons of life that need more of one kind of self care than the other, so again go with that by listening to your brain and body. All you can do is your best!

Sleep Anxiety Struggles

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Falling asleep can sometimes seem like a battle, especially when anxiety starts to creep in and suddenly all of your worries are swirling around in your mind. It is truly hard to fall asleep, even if your body is tired, when your mind won’t rest. Everyone is different and there is not one magical tip that works for all, but by changing some routines and habits around nighttime, it may help improve overall relaxation and worry leading up to bedtime!

1. Try sleeping focused meditations: Meditation’s purpose is to bring you into the present moment, to ease your mind, and to focus on your breathing. There are so many different types of meditations to try, but looking up sleeping meditations (use of an app or just searching in YouTube) can be very useful when it comes to relaxing a busy mind. Body scan meditations are specifically helpful when it comes to this because you are guided through focusing on each individual part of your body and relaxing any tension in your body.

2. Write a list of everything you are worried about: Sometimes our anxiety feels like it holds so much power, but when you write out your concerns, you are taking the power back. Often times, listed out, our worries and fears don’t look as scary or overwhelming as we once thought.

3. Focus on the things within your control: Following that, focus on the worries or concerns that are within your control. Often times, anxiety focuses on things that are completely out of our control and we have no power altering. Let go of the things that we cannot change because it may never even happen. Your anxiety is not a fortune-teller of what is to come in the future. It is just our fears turned into anxious and negative thoughts. Also, it is important to focus on the things you can control right in that moment because I bet there are not a lot of things that you can do while you’re in bed trying to fall asleep.

4. Read: This is a very relaxing activity to do before bed and can keep your mind busy leading to tiredness.

5. Create a bedtime routine: Going off of reading, creating a nighttime routine focused on relaxation and non-stressful activities/tasks is very beneficial when it comes to easing sleep anxiety. Creating a routine of things you look forward to doing is a form of self-care. Whether that is doing your skincare routine, reading, stretching, journaling, showering, or meditating, the key is to focus on the tasks that are not going to cause additional worries or concerns, but the activities that are going to cultivate calm energy.

6. Avoid use of screens: If possible, not looking at your phone before bed is a healthy sleep time habit. When you look at your phone screen or TV, your brain is stimulated and “lights up” delaying when you start to feel sleepy.

7. Avoid harsh lighting: Similar to use of screens, turning on bright lights at night can wake you up and do the opposite of relaxing you. Studies show that red light therapy can help with both depression and anxiety. Because of this, switching your bedroom lights to red lightbulbs can help ease anxiety especially before bed.

8. A to Z technique: This technique is helpful once again to focus your mind on something low risk, fun, and calming. You can pick any topic or category you would like (sports, food, songs, shows, animals, etc.) and go A through Z naming one thing within the topic that starts with each letter of the alphabet. This is a fun twist on “counting sheep”!

9. Listen to calming music or relaxing noises: This can definitely be different for everyone, but listening to classical music, rain sounds, ocean sounds, or even just using a white noise machine can help your mind have something to focus on rather than what you have to do tomorrow.

As stated before, not everything listed is going to work for everyone because everyone is unique and different! The purpose of this is to give techniques and tricks to try out when it comes to combating sleep anxiety. It never hurts to try something new especially when it comes to taking power back from your anxiety at night! It is so important to be getting enough rest at night so don’t let your anxiety focus on the countdown till the morning, but focus on the present moment and what you can do to help destress and get to sleep quicker.

Improving Your Relationship With Food

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Every single person on this planet has a relationship with food. It is something we need to exist and fuel our bodies, yet so many people have unhealthy or complicated relationships with it. When we break it down it can seem so silly to think negatively about something that keeps us alive. Society and the media has certainly impacted the view of food through the generations and while it is improving, there is still a large portion of the population that struggles with food. 

I often have clients coming into session struggling with the morality surrounding food, weight loss or gain, exercise and all of these things society has moralized regarding our bodies. If you’re someone who struggles with this, here are some ways to improve your view of food. 

1. Don’t assign morality to food. 

Food does not, and should not, be categorized as “good” or “bad”. It is important to shift your mindset from this black and white thinking and allow the grey area to exist. There are absolutely nutritional differences between a fruit versus a potato chip, but that does not mean one is morally superior. 

2. Improve balance in your diet

It’s important to have a wide variety of foods in our diet to ensure we are meeting our nutritional needs, as well as enjoying food to the fullest extent. Our bodies need foods like fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, carbs, etc, but our bodies also need fun foods like chips and candy to have nutritional and emotional balance. 

3. Practice flexibility 

There will certainly be times in life where access to certain foods isn’t easy. For example, airports are a location that it can be a bit more challenging to find fresh fruits and vegetables. This is a perfect opportunity to practice flexibility, whether that means packing a snack that is nutrient dense, or allowing yourself to have a day full of fun foods at the airport. 

4. Don’t compare your plate to others

It can be easy to compare what you’re having to others whether it be the items or amount. Practice focusing on what your body wants and needs, not how much other people want or need. Each body is different and therefore needs different amounts and kinds of foods at various times. 

5. Practice mindful eating

We live in a very fast paced world, which often pushes us out of the present or distracts us from what we’re currently doing. I know sometimes the focus is just on making sure you eat, but it’s important to listen to your body. Pay attention to your hunger cues, what kinds of foods will make you feel satiated and when you begin to feel full. 

Self Compassion & Cleaning Your House

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

I’m not sure if anyone has told you lately, but... You aren’t a bad person if you struggle to keep your home nice and neat.

Lately, I’ve been reading this book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing” by this really awesome LPC named KC Davis. In her book, she talks about an idea that seemed radical to me- housekeeping tasks are care tasks & care tasks are morally neutral. A lot of us may have grown up in homes where we were punished for having a messy room or for not cleaning up after ourselves after playing with toys etc... The tricky part is, when we’re young, we don’t realize that getting in trouble is often more about our caregivers’ relationship to mess than it is about us. So instead, we think “oh it is hard for my caregiver to love me when my room is a mess, I’d better clean up” thus internalizing shame about mess. Maybe caregivers didn’t intend to send that message, but that’s how it is often received. And while messiness doesn’t automatically equal “we are bad people,” it can sure feel that way when you are in trouble and maybe are called names like “lazy” on top of it.

Flash forward to you as an adult. No wonder you’re dreading some of the cleaning. You may not have ever developed a positive relationship with cleaning because it may have always made you feel inadequate. So of course, there would be times where you avoid it! Who WOULD lean into situations that make them feel unworthy or not good enough? Avoiding things that make us feel bad is normal.

So how can we help make our cleaning, organizing, and home management tasks feel “better”?

One of my favorite things KC proposes in her book is an approach to cleaning that she calls “The Five Things Tidying Method.” I think it’s pretty accessible for lots of folks so I thought I would paraphrase the steps for you in this blog:

Look around at your “messy” space. According to KC, everything in it can be broken down into 5 categories: 1. Trash, 2. Dishes, 3. Laundry, 4. Things that have a designated place but are not in their place, & 5. Things that don’t have a place.

1. First you start with just gathering all the trash together. You do not take it out yet.

2. Then you find all the dishes in the living room, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. and place them next to the sink. You do not wash them yet.

3. Next you grab a laundry basket of some kind and put all the clothes, accessories, and shoes in it that you can find scattered throughout the house. Put the baskets next to your trash pile. You might have more than one basket of “clothes” and that’s okay.

4. After that, go to each space in your home where things have a designated spot. (Desks, shelves, bathroom counters, etc.) Put each of those things in their assigned spot. If you come across anything that doesn’t have a place, put it in a pile. Stop in one area, put things away in that area, and gather a pile of misfit items. The result will be a lot of somewhat tidy areas with the exception of small piles of things that don’t have a place.

5. Next, you get to reassess each of those placeless items. You can decide if something is clutter or if it is important enough to get a permanent place. Some of those items will have a place but in a different area of the house. Put them away if that is the case.

6. Finally, take the trash out. Put the laundry bin in the laundry room (or somewhere out of the way, but where you will still be able to see it and remember to do the laundry later). Now you will have a space that feels more livable. Excellent job you! Save the dishes for another day.

So many people feel like if they can’t keep a home pristine clean all the time, they are somehow not worthy. That is simply not true. And when tasks pile up at home and things look/feel cluttered, that can be incredibly stressful and demotivating at the same time. The “5 things method” is great because rather than looking around and trying to prioritize every item and decide which tasks to tackle first, you have an outlined order that you can keep coming back to. For example, you can scan the living room space for just dishes and put those near the sink rather than trying to grab every single thing you see and run around the house putting them away. And as you go through KC’s method, things will naturally feel less cluttered, and you may start to feel more encouraged by the progress you’re seeing.

The other great thing about this approach is you could stop after step 1 or 2 and save the rest for another day. Doing all the steps in one day does not make you inherently “better” than the you that only has the time/energy/bandwidth to do steps 1-3. Jussayin.

If shaming yourself into cleaning worked, it would have worked already, yes? And you’d have a constantly immaculate home every day to show for it. But at what cost? And sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that we “need to be hard on ourselves in order to get things done”, but if you could get things done and NOT feel like crap, wouldn’t that be nice? Because let me tell ya, you deserve it. Both a space that feels livable to you, AND a sense of freedom from the shame cycle.

Resources:

KC’s Book

KC’s Website

• She has lots of tips & resources for new self-compassionate ways to approach the various parts of your life

• If you’re more of a “learn from Tik Tok” person, she has some of her TT content on there also!

• This is not a sponsored post, lol. I’ve been reading this book and having some revelations that I wanted to share. 😊

Into The Great Unknown: Why is Job Change Viewed Negatively?

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Recently, I have been hearing a lot about individuals, mostly in their mid 20s to early 30s, wanting to change jobs or career paths. Along with that idea has also come a lot of anxiety, fear, shame, and judgement. I am here to say that it is OKAY to want to change jobs. According to CNBC, “The Great Resignation” is continuing in 2022 with 44% of employees seeking new jobs. Post pandemic life for most people is looking very different. We were so use to a busy lifestyle full of hustle and bustle. When all of that was halted, many people were forced to slow down and re-evaluate their priorities in life; work being one of them. Currently, one-third of new employees quit after six months according to the latest turnover statistics (ShortLister, 2022). If this post resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way! The purpose of sharing this and writing this blog post is to normalize change and to normalize not wanting to stay in the same job forever.

There is a lot of stigma from society around quick turnover rates and employees not being “lifers” at a company, but what I wish more people would remind themselves is that just like we grow and change every day, so can our passions, interests, desires, priorities, and goals in life. With that, wouldn’t it only make sense for people to seek a job or career change at certain points in life, especially if it doesn’t feel like it is a right fit? I believe it is a sign of growth and evolution.

Along with this, I am also hearing a lot about my clients seeking different jobs/career paths to find more of a work/life balance. I believe this is a mindset that shifted due to the pandemic especially. With this slower paced lifestyle, people were able to open their eyes to what was important to them in their every day lives: family, friends, traveling, etc. This is not to say that work is not important, but it is important to recognize that work does not have to be everything in life. Everyone needs time off and breaks to be able to show up and be the best version of themselves. It is healthy to have that balance!

I want to recognize the privilege in being able to switch jobs or career paths as well because not everyone has that luxury. When thinking about this, there is a saying: “we should work to live, not live to work” meaning that yes, everyone needs to work to make a living and provide for themselves and their families, but life is also so much more than your job. Your self-worth does not need to solely be wrapped up in a current role or position. You are more than just that; you are made up of so many unique qualities and characteristics that make you, you. I recognize fully that a job change is incredibly scary and can come with a lot of uncertainty, but the unknown isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes what comes out of the unknown is even more amazing than you ever could have imagined, but taking that initial step towards change will be the only way to find out.

Sources:

-Short Lister, 2022: https://www.myshortlister.com/insights/employment-turnover-statistics

-CNBC: Greg Iacurci: https://www.cnbc.com/2022/03/22/great-resignation-continues-as-44percent-of-workers-seek-a-new-job.html

Scheduling Time for Rest

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I often find myself sitting with clients who feel like they need to be doing more, whether it be at work, in their personal life, in their relationships, and even in regards to their mental health. For a while I thought maybe it was just a certain type of client, perhaps those high achieving perfectionists. I’ve started to notice every single client is feeling this way in at least one area of their life.

 In recent years there is a lot of language around “boss babes” and this idea that we constantly as humans need to be moving and being productive. The intensity level of hustle culture has reinforced to everyone that if you’re not busy and running yourself ragged then you aren’t doing enough. This is incredibly false. 

Productivity is a concept I find many people struggle with. The constant push and pull to be productive while desperately wanting and needing rest seems to be never ending. The thing is though, rest IS productive. Our bodies inherently need rest to function and be able to be our most productive selves with the other areas of our lives. Let's use marathon training for an example, most people don’t run 20 miles the day before running a marathon. In fact, they don’t usually run for the two or three days leading up to the marathon. They do this so that their legs are well rested and ready to run their fastest and longest distance. 

Life is kind of like a marathon, so when you do something big like run 26 miles, you need to rest before and after. This doesn’t just apply to the big stuff, but the small events in life as well.  One way I find it helpful to force yourself to rest is by scheduling it. Try picking a specific day a week to have just time for yourself to lounge, watch tv, do whatever you want that feels restful to YOU. Rest looks different to everyone, so make sure you’re listening to your body.