The Power of Positivity

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

Prioritizing positivity about ourselves has taken a bit of beating over the years, in part due to the rise of social media. We are invited to compare ourselves, almost constantly, to the rose-colored images of other people’s lives. The impact this is having on our well-being has been tied to an increase in anxiety and depressive symptoms. Our ability to remind ourselves that social media is a highlight reel, rather than a true depiction of others, allows us to stay mindful of reality. It also allows us to cultivate an appreciation for the positive aspects of our own lives.

Feeling grateful increases our sense of satisfaction and our self-esteem. It can also decrease the felt impact from negative experiences. An easy way to begin focusing on the positives in your own life is to keep a gratitude journal. Gratitude journals have been shown to decrease stress, improve sleep, and increase self-awareness. Dedicate time throughout your week to document what you are grateful for and allow your positive sense of self to flourish.

Learn more about the impact of social comparison here.

Delve further into gratitude journals here.

3 Relationship Resolutions to Reconnect with your Partner in the New Year

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By Rachel D. Miller MA, AMFT

It’s that time of year again. Television, radio, and social media are plastered with ads for gyms, weight loss programs, dating sites, and a myriad of products to help you quit whatever bad habit you have resolved to give up this year.

“New year, new you!” has been January’s motivational mantra for decades. For those in committed relationships, this may not be the best approach to New Year’s resolutions. As Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), points out in her book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, “Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on individual goals, that many abandon before the end of January. Why not make this the year that you add relationship resolutions to your annual list? Ensuring a safe, loving, deep connection with your partner, may just be the thing you need to bring out the best in yourself in the coming year. Here a few suggestions to get you started.

1.     Start couples therapy. Therapy isn’t just for times of crisis. It’s actually a great way to take a proactive approach to your relationship and strengthen your connection.

2.     Refocus on prioritizing, improving, or expanding your sex life. A great sex life is an integral part of a satisfying relationship, but it rarely happens spontaneously, or without intent. Fun ways to do this might include attending a class or workshop at your local adult novelty store, setting up weekly sex dates (yes, planed sexual encounters can still be fun and satisfying), or exploring erotic literature or mutually pleasurable porn together.

3.     Create a book club with your partner. Whether you choose books on relationships, sex, or just share the latest fiction best sellers, reading the same book promotes intentional, planned conversations that do not revolve around things like bills, chores, kids, or work. Some of my personal favorites, if you need a place to start are:

·      Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

·      The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

·      Come as you are by Emily Nagoski, Phd

·      The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD & Nan Silver

·      Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

·      Attached by Amir Levine, MD & Rachel S. F. Heller, MA

Sharing experiences, meaningful conversations, and physical intimacy create opportunities for connection and closeness. When we feel securely attached to our partners, and our relationships becomes our safe space, we are better equipped to handle the stresses and challenges life will undoubtedly throw our way, and become our best selves. Make this year different. Focus your energy on a “new us” to help you be successful in your quest for a “new you.”

A Case to be (a little more) Selfish

By Sasha Taskier, AFMT

The word selfish has such a negative connotation. From a young age, we are taught not to be ‘selfish’ – we are taught to share, to be generous, to even sometimes put others’ needs before our own. While all of these lessons remain important, and are a part of the recipe for harmonious and reciprocal relationships, I have to ask: have we taken it too far? Have we gotten stuck in a cycle of putting everyone and everything before ourselves?

Recently, I’ve been hearing more and more from clients, family, and friends just how exhausted they are. Exhausted by their work, by their social calendars, and by the expectations they’ve put upon themselves to be stellar employees, parents, friends, and partners. We’ve put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to show up in these roles, and while I absolutely believe these efforts are meaningful and worthwhile, how long before we are trying to pour from an empty cup?

When I suggest to my clients that perhaps they need to focus a bit more on themselves, it is often met with resistance; “but, I have no time” or, “I know it’s bad, but this is just a difficult time of year” or, “I honestly have no idea what that would even look like.” I would be lying if I said I couldn’t identify with every one of those excuses, because they are true! We do have a litany of obligations; we do have friends and family depending on us; we do have impossible work schedules that make the idea of a regular exercise routine seemingly comical. And yet, I wonder, how far are we willing to push ourselves? And, more importantly, to what cost?

How can we be the stellar employees, friends, parents and partners we strive to be if we are running on fumes? How on earth can we respond to each other with compassion and patience when our reserves are diminished? I like to think about an electrical outlet – envision the many things plugging into you for energy: your families, your job, your home, even, maybe your pet… but what do you plug into? What is your energy source (and how often are you using it)?

Organizational psychologist and author of Grounded: How Leaders Stay Rooted in an Uncertain World, Bob Rosen states: “When you take care of yourself first, you show up as a healthy, grounded person in life…If you can’t take care of yourself, then you can’t care for others. Being selfish is critical.” So, while perhaps an unpopular perspective – maybe we can encourage ourselves to be a little more selfish, not only as a necessity for our own well-being, but also as a service to those we love most.

Here are a few ideas and exercises to think about on this topic:

• Write down 20 things that you love to do. No specific order, no right or wrong answers, just jot down 20 things that make you happy. (For example, reading a novel, taking a yoga class, traveling internationally, having dinner with friends, exploring new neighborhoods, walking the dog, etc.) Then, write next to each item, when the last time you actually did that activity (days/weeks/months/years). It can be a glaring exercise to realize that we haven’t engaged in activities that bring us joy in months or even years. [Activity adapted from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron]                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
• What can you say ‘NO’ to this week, (or this month)? Sometimes things that are supposed to bring us joy – like seeing friends, or going out for dinners etc., bring us more stress than we realize. We are so accustomed to saying ‘yes!’ to invitations and expectations, but what if we chose just one thing and said no rather than yes. Barricade yourself at home for the evening, (or in a happy, relaxing place) and play hooky.                                                                                                               
• Engage in service. This might seem counterintuitive – but if you have ever spent time sitting with someone who is ill, or serving food in a soup kitchen, or volunteering at an animal shelter, you know – there are few things more energizing than giving back to those who truly need your help. Not only is giving back good for our communities, but it is good for our spirit. You can search for volunteer opportunities at chicagocares.org.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
• Take 10 minutes for yourself. Whether it is walking to get yourself a coffee in the middle of the work day, or setting your alarm a bit earlier to sit quietly or stretch first thing – this tiny exercise in slowing down, can help us towards a more mindful reset.                                                                 
• Plan something indulgent. While we can’t necessarily treat ourselves to a getaway or a massage every day, or even every month – there is research that suggests that the ‘build up’ and excitement for planning a trip is even more enjoyable than the trip itself. So, maybe begin to plan that trip you’ve wanted to take; savor the entire process. [Source]

How To Better Cope (And Help) In Today’s Climate Of Tragedy And Fear

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

In the wake of Sunday night’s shooting in Las Vegas, we are reminded (again) of the fragility of life and the senseless acts of hatred and violence that plague our country and our world. It feels overwhelming to wrap our heads around another tragedy, especially just on the heels of the devastation in Texas, Mexico City and Puerto Rico (and beyond). Between these catastrophic natural disasters and terrifying acts of terrorism, we are living in a climate of fear that can wreak havoc on our emotional wellness and mental health.

Here are a few thoughts and recommendations for how we can better navigate this difficult time:

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EMOTIONS

It may feel like the only option right now is to push through and ignore your thoughts and reactions to recent events. Often, when we ignore our feelings, they get worse, or they can manifest elsewhere in our lives.

Take stock of how you are feeling; it may be easy to identify the emotions you’re experiencing, but it may also be really difficult. It is common to experience multiple feelings at once, a constant switch between emotions, and even an overall sense of numbness. There is great power in naming our emotions – once we have a name for them, we can identify them more readily when they surface and then we can more calmly and better manage our symptoms.

If you have experienced a trauma or loss in your life, this news might be especially triggering for you. There is a particularly higher risk of feeling a sense of despair, helplessness, anger and grief– even if this event is in no way connected to your own experience. (There are links to both the disaster distress hotline and crisis hotline at the bottom of this post, should you need them.)

Other symptoms you may be experiencing around this event are increased irritability, loss of sleep, reduction in appetite and loss of focus. Pay attention to yourself and your body – if these are happening to you, it is your body’s way of saying you may need to seek professional help, and take some time to take care of yourself.

MANAGE YOUR MEDIA INTAKE

Many of us may feel guilty turning off the news, or choosing not to watch the footage of the most recent shooting. We may feel obligated to stay informed and force ourselves to see what is happening; in doing so, we hope to increase our understanding of the situation and our compassion for those who were affected. While I think it is a worthy effort to remain engaged and continue practicing empathy for those who are suffering, overdoing this media exposure can lead to increased anxiety, traumatization, and even a re-triggering experience.

Limit your media; tune in occasionally in order to stay engaged and informed, but do not feel bad turning off your twitter feed or closing your computer for some time. You are not disengaged or unfeeling if you decide not to watch this footage; (there are plenty of ways to remain engaged without exposure to such horrific visuals.) It is imperative to create boundaries to protect your mental health and to respect your own limitations.

(I so appreciate these wise words on consuming media, from Brené Brown.)

EMBRACE CONNECTION

Reach out to friends and family. We are creatures of connection – and in times of threat and despair, we sometimes need to embrace our inner ‘pack animal.’ No, you do not need to talk about the event if that feels un-welcomed – but you can share your feelings, share good news and continue to focus on joy. Remember, joy is an act of resistance, especially in the face of hatred.

Additionally, if you know someone who may not have family or friends nearby, reach out to them: invite them for coffee or have them over for dinner. Even something as simple as a text to tell someone you are thinking of them and hoping they are ok, means more to them than you realize. No one should have to feel alone during such a scary and uncertain time.

HELP OTHERS

Helping others counteracts the stress hormones in our bodies. There are countless ways to help and they do not necessarily have to be related to the shooting in Las Vegas. You can donate to relief efforts in Houston, Mexico City and Puerto Rico.

Donate to the Red Cross and Other amazing relief organizations to consider

You can turn towards your local community and find a volunteer opportunity nearby. Connecting and helping in person may feel especially rewarding.

If you’re in Chicago, this is a great resource: https://www.chicagocares.org/

If you are feeling compelled to turn your attention towards gun reform you can check out these organizations to see how you can become involved:

      -  The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence: https://www.csgv.org/

      -  Every Town for Gun Safety: https://everytown.org/

      -  Moms Demand Action: https://momsdemandaction.org/

And of course, you can contact your representatives to tell them your feelings about passing comprehensive and common sense gun reform in the wake of Sunday’s tragedy.

       -  Here is a useful script to help guide your words and guide for reaching outI’ve used the ‘ResistBot’ and found it to be an unbelievably                easy and fast way to contact mySenators and Congressmen about issues I care about. Text RESIST to 50409.

Additional Resources & Articles:

Disaster Distress Hotline:  1-800-985-5990 – Text: TalkWithUS to 66746 – Website

Crisis Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 - Website

Psychology Today

Huff Post Blog

Mashable

BY Karen Focht MA, LMFT

Throughout my career I have found the challenge of infertility to come up over and over again while working with couples. 10-15 percent of couples in the US are touched by infertility in some way.  After attempting to conceive for a year, a couple can quickly find themselves thrown into the world of infertility and treatment.  Although there are many various treatment options available today, infertility can be a very lonely place.  I often found myself advocating for clients through resources, education and support through family and friends.  Although these are all very helpful and important forms of support, there was something missing.  This is where Shine comes into play. 

Shine is a non-profit organization that is dedicated to providing unique support to women who are faced with fertility challenges. I was fortunate enough to be introduced to Shine’s founder, Katie O’Connor, who shared her own journey within the fertility world.  Something that quickly stood out through our conversation was that the statistics are staggering and yet women aren’t talking about what is happening through their fertility struggles.   Through this realization, Shine was born.  Here are some details on what Shine is all about!

Fertility Friends Mentorship Program:  Through one to one support, the mentorship program matches a new member with someone who has successfully completed their fertility journey.  This is an opportunity to share your journey and challenges with a mentor who can closely relate to the experience.  Receiving empathy and understanding can make a tremendous difference throughout the overall experience. 

SHINE TOGETHER PROGRAMS:

In Person Support Meeting:  These meetings provide peer support, open discussion along with the opportunity to hear from a professional guest speaker.  “The goal is to create a community that allows us to laugh and cry, side by side, while celebrating our successes and battling our challenges, as well as providing knowledge to feel empowered throughout our journeys”.           **Meetings are held on a monthly basis

Virtual Support Call:  This is a group support phone call where members connect and share their fertility journey in a confidential format.                                                                                                                                                                                                  **Held on the last Wednesday of the month at 8pm CST.

Shine Social:  This fun event is an opportunity to learn more about Shine along with giving back in order to help continue the organizations mission and success.  Details can be found at www.eventbrite.com/e/shine-social-tickets-37693411007

For more information please visit http://www.shinefertility.org

Grief & Resilience

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Grieving is a universal action, one that we embody as the result of a loss. Humans all over the world grieve through different customs, ceremonies and traditions (TED Ideas). We’ve even learned that certain animals grieve when they’ve loss a member of their family or pack (BBC).

Most commonly when we speak about grief, we are referring to the death of a person; yet, I have found that we grieve when there is loss. That loss may be a person, but it could also be the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of our health, or the realization that our dreams and wishes for our future can no longer be reached.

I recently read Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. Sandberg, most notably known as the COO of Facebook, tragically lost her husband in 2015. She, with the help of psychologist Adam Grant, share a very personal lens into her grief story and process of recovery. They examine the impact of loss (in its many forms) on depression, resilience and growth.

“We cannot control what happens to us, but, we do have some influence over how we respond to the events and hardships in our lives” – Adam Grant

If you or a loved one has experienced a loss, or are even curious about this topic – I highly recommend this book. It is not only a king of memoir, but also a collection of stories from resilient people around the world, and a self-help platform with the latest research from psychologists in the field.

In the meantime, here are 3 of my favorites takeaways from Option B:

1)    Grant present Martin Seligman’s theory of the Three Ps, which can help determine our ability to deal with ‘setbacks’ in our lives

• Personalization: “This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us”
• Permanence: “refers to whether you see negative experiences as global or specific, or as Sandberg says, whether "an event will affect all areas of your life."
• Pervasiveness: “explains whether you see an event as stable or unstable, or how long you think the negative feelings will last.”

Sandberg describes this idea as our brain’s psychological immune system – we can heal and recover, but sometimes we need steps to kick into gear. Noticing when we feel one (or more) of the three Ps can be a helpful first step to challenging our mindset around grief, or feelings of ‘stuckness.’

2)    Self confidence and self compassion

Sandberg shared how after the death of her husband, she felt her self-confidence plummet; she was apologizing to everyone around her at home and work. She felt guilty – that everything was her fault. One of the most important components of recovery is self-compassion.

Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as: approaching yourself with the same kindness you would show to a friend.

Sandberg felt that her internal experience (where she was falling apart) matched how she presented herself to the rest of the world. Adam Grant suggested that before bed, she write down three things she did well that day. It may take some time, but focusing on ‘small wins’ builds confidence.

3)    Its important to talk about loss and hardship

We have a really hard time talking about loss and adversity. Even if it is on our mind – we may not say anything to that friend whose parent is sick, or to someone we know is dealing with the loss of a job, or a recent death in his or her family. We’re scared to say the wrong thing, or perhaps we fear that by bringing it up, we’ll be ruining that person’s day. (Psychologists coined a term for this, called The Mum Effect.)

Sandberg talked about the feeling of isolation she experienced after she lost her husband. She would be amongst friends or coworkers and while she knew everyone knew what she was going through, they never said anything. It became the elephant in the room that fueled her sense of isolation and despair.

Just ask; if you know someone is going through a difficult period, ask him or her: “how are you, today?” This acknowledges that every day is different, and some days may be better than others. It is simple and it may give the person who is grieving the opportunity they have wanted (or needed), to share.

If you are interested in learning more about Option B, and/or lessons about grief, resilience and growth, Sandberg and Grant have created a platform to explore these themes and hear stories from real people who have overcome unbelievable hardship and adversity.

https://optionb.org/

A Season of Transition

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

As I sit here at the office during my first week back from maternity leave I can’t help but reflect on life transition and what this can entail.  These days there seems to be so much expected from us in life such as family, work, and even self-care. I personally find it easy to rush through transitions and new stages in life with little time focused on reflection.  Life demands can easily take over and leave us feeling turned upside-down when a new season of life is upon us. 

As I approached the end of my maternity leave with my sweet baby boy, friends, family, and colleagues often asked me if I was ready for this time to end.  What I quickly realized was that although I was ready to come back to work, I had spent little time reflecting on this transition.  I mean, how hard could it be?  I had already done this once over 5 years ago.  I should have this down!  When I started researching the topic of transition I completely resonated with what I came across.  This includes allowing for realistic timeframes and expectations, accessing a supportive environment during a time of change, creating a new routine and allowing for self-expression. Sometimes we just need to let go of what was in order to truly embrace what is today.  This is something I am now focused on more than ever as I settle back into seeking a work/life balance.  Here are some articles I found to be helpful through my process of transition!

Keys to Handling Life’s Transitions

Understanding Transition Stress

How to Cope with Transition and Change

Rainy Day Blues

BY SASHA TASKIER, AMFT

It’s been a rainy, dreary few weeks in Chicago. I keep hoping spring is right around the corner, about to rear its head – but no. Not yet, at least. Talking with friends and clients, I’m reminded how profound an impact the weather can have on our minds, bodies and wellness. It has been over a week of rain and grey skies, and it certainly feels like our energy and positivity is being held hostage by the forecast.

Sometimes, only in retrospect we realize how hazy our brain has felt, how little energy we’ve had and how much we’ve isolated over the winter months. It’s invigorating to feel like you are coming out on the other side of the winter blues, and also a bit alarming to realize how deeply you may have been impacted.

Approximately 6% of the US population is impacted by S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder.) Symptoms include fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal. A milder version of SAD, called the ‘winter blues’ impacts almost 14% of the population. Most of the people impacted by these symptoms live in the northern parts of the country (not only because the temperatures are lower, but because there is less sunlight) and 4/5 of people impacted are women. (Mayo Clinic)

As Chicagoans, so many of us feel like our best selves in the summer months. We have access to an amazing city that comes alive in May & June. With a beautiful beach, walking paths, farmer’s markets and parks we remember that our city is filled with active, vibrant people and families who love to congregate outside.

While this is (almost) around the corner, we still have some time and may need some strategies for keeping our winter blues and S.A.D. symptoms at bay:

• Get outside! If it is a beautiful day, take a walk during your lunch break, leave work early, go for a run. These days are few and far between and our bodies thank us so dearly for the vitamin D and exercise it desperately needs this time of year. (Do it, even if it isn’t very nice outside… your body will thank you.)

• Get some light! Invest in a S.A.D light, or ‘phototherapy.’ You can read about it here and here

• Be amongst friends and family. While rainy days can sometimes lead to isolation and hiding under our blankets, often what our minds and bodies need is community and connection.

• Plan something you can look forward to. Organize a game night with friends, or plan a dinner with your nearest and dearest. Even schedule to watch a new movie at home for a few days away – excitement and anticipation are very powerful tools.

• Get Connected.  If you are concerned that your symptoms may be more severe, you can seek out professional help either through your general practitioner or a therapist.

And remember, the more it rains now, the more abundance and beauty we will see this summer. Keep an eye out for all the budding plants and trees as we continue to wait out the rains. 

Mindful Living

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

I’ve noticed that in today’s day and age we often hear language around the concept of Mindfulness.  Even when recently driving in my car I heard an advertisement for health insurance, which focused on creating a “mindful moment” of reflection and awareness. What does this really mean, to be mindful?  What does it mean to incorporate mindfulness into our daily lives and self-care?

I recently attended a two-day workshop on Mindfulness led by Ronald D. Siege, PsyD, and quickly found myself challenged to the core.  The concepts of mindfulness that were taught during this workshop included seeing and accepting things as they are, experiencing the “richness” of the moment and freeing ourselves from having to “act skillfully”.  On the other hand, the training emphasized that mindfulness practice is not having a blank mind, detaching from our emotions, escaping pain and withdrawing from our life and reality. 

On the first day of training, Ronald Siege led a guided meditation that lasted hours.  Ok, to be totally honest it was about 30 minutes, but I found myself completely challenged through this process.  Why was it so hard to stay present in the moment?  Why did it feel like this exercise took hours rather than minutes?  Our brains are conditioned to continuously process thoughts that can often be distracting to our emotional process.  This is often how we cope to distract from anxious or painful thoughts and emotions.

As I sat in the midst of this mindfulness experiment, I found myself criticizing my inability to stay focused on the here and now.  My mind quickly drifted from my breath (where my focus was suppose to be) to my endless list of to do’s that were not being concurred due to attending a 2 day training.   The instructor immediately introduced the concept of “acceptance and loving-kindness”.  As I sat in self-criticism, I experienced tremendous validation in the idea that a wondering mind was expected, and that in these moments we can "gently and lovingly" guide ourselves back to letting it all go.  During this particular exercise the primary focus was on our breathing process. I can’t tell you how many times I had to lead myself back to my breath.  It felt like every 10 seconds or so!  Although it wasn’t a natural process for me personally, I gained so much insight into how easily I can distract myself from difficult thoughts and feelings along with the criticism attached to these feelings.  

Since completing this training I have found myself working harder to adopt the concepts of mindfulness practice in my day to day life.  It’s never easy, nor perfect, but it has created a new gentle and loving tone within.  Please take a moment to check out these resources on Mindfulness that include guided meditations. Give them a try and allow yourself to practice embracing the moment and providing self-compassion and acceptace. 

Resources on Mindfulness

http://www.mindfulness-solution.com/DownloadMeditations.html

http://www.sittingtogether.com/meditations.php

http://themindfulnessapp.com/

https://www.headspace.com/