Grief & Resilience
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By Sasha Taskier, AMFT
Grieving is a universal action, one that we embody as the result of a loss. Humans all over the world grieve through different customs, ceremonies and traditions (TED Ideas). We’ve even learned that certain animals grieve when they’ve loss a member of their family or pack (BBC).
Most commonly when we speak about grief, we are referring to the death of a person; yet, I have found that we grieve when there is loss. That loss may be a person, but it could also be the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of our health, or the realization that our dreams and wishes for our future can no longer be reached.
I recently read Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. Sandberg, most notably known as the COO of Facebook, tragically lost her husband in 2015. She, with the help of psychologist Adam Grant, share a very personal lens into her grief story and process of recovery. They examine the impact of loss (in its many forms) on depression, resilience and growth.
“We cannot control what happens to us, but, we do have some influence over how we respond to the events and hardships in our lives” – Adam Grant
If you or a loved one has experienced a loss, or are even curious about this topic – I highly recommend this book. It is not only a king of memoir, but also a collection of stories from resilient people around the world, and a self-help platform with the latest research from psychologists in the field.
In the meantime, here are 3 of my favorites takeaways from Option B:
1) Grant present Martin Seligman’s theory of the Three Ps, which can help determine our ability to deal with ‘setbacks’ in our lives
- Personalization: “This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us”
- Permanence: “refers to whether you see negative experiences as global or specific, or as Sandberg says, whether "an event will affect all areas of your life."
- Pervasiveness: “explains whether you see an event as stable or unstable, or how long you think the negative feelings will last.”
Sandberg describes this idea as our brain’s psychological immune system – we can heal and recover, but sometimes we need steps to kick into gear. Noticing when we feel one (or more) of the three Ps can be a helpful first step to challenging our mindset around grief, or feelings of ‘stuckness.’
2) Self confidence and self compassion
Sandberg shared how after the death of her husband, she felt her self-confidence plummet; she was apologizing to everyone around her at home and work. She felt guilty – that everything was her fault. One of the most important components of recovery is self-compassion.
Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as: approaching yourself with the same kindness you would show to a friend.
Sandberg felt that her internal experience (where she was falling apart) matched how she presented herself to the rest of the world. Adam Grant suggested that before bed, she write down three things she did well that day. It may take some time, but focusing on ‘small wins’ builds confidence.
3) Its important to talk about loss and hardship
We have a really hard time talking about loss and adversity. Even if it is on our mind – we may not say anything to that friend whose parent is sick, or to someone we know is dealing with the loss of a job, or a recent death in his or her family. We’re scared to say the wrong thing, or perhaps we fear that by bringing it up, we’ll be ruining that person’s day. (Psychologists coined a term for this, called The Mum Effect.)
Sandberg talked about the feeling of isolation she experienced after she lost her husband. She would be amongst friends or coworkers and while she knew everyone knew what she was going through, they never said anything. It became the elephant in the room that fueled her sense of isolation and despair.
Just ask; if you know someone is going through a difficult period, ask him or her: “how are you, today?” This acknowledges that every day is different, and some days may be better than others. It is simple and it may give the person who is grieving the opportunity they have wanted (or needed), to share.
If you are interested in learning more about Option B, and/or lessons about grief, resilience and growth, Sandberg and Grant have created a platform to explore these themes and hear stories from real people who have overcome unbelievable hardship and adversity.