Strategies to Move Through a Breakup

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By Michaela Choy, AMFT

Around Valentine’s Day, I’m reminded of beautiful ways we can honor our loving relationships, and I’m mindful of those who feel alone and hurt – particularly those who have recently ended relationships. Breakups are profoundly painful phases that drain our emotional and physical states, and they will most likely impact you at one point or another. The following list includes strategies to implement at any point during a breakup process. Incorporating some of these ideas will restore your energy and help you create a new normal.

1. Kindness

Do one good thing for yourself each day. This can range from a small gesture of kindness to something larger. Getting a special coffee from your favorite coffee shop, cooking yourself a nourishing and delicious meal, going to the movies, or getting a massage are some examples.

2. Connect with Your Greatest Support Systems

Set up time to see friends or family and schedule at least one or two of these get-togethers each week. This can be helpful for a few reasons. One, surrounding yourself with supportive connection can feel healing. Two, it gives you some structure in the week and forces you to get out into the world. There are open pockets of time that you and your past partner once spent together, and this is one way to fill that time meaningfully. If family and friends are far away, consider setting up phone calls or trips to see them.

3. Reflection

At times, you may want to create a list of reasons why the relationship didn’t serve you. Be honest with yourself about the ways this relationship impacted you. It’s normal to think of both good and bad impact.

If you are ready to take a step further in your reflection, notice the ratio of good to bad. Ask yourself if you had awareness of this picture while you were in this relationship and begin think of ways you can you build greater awareness going into your next relationship.

Reflection with this list can be particularly helpful if you hoping to get back together or stay apart.

4. Physical Movement

Go for a walk or try a new workout class. Joining a sports league or a weekly fitness class can not only help your body feel better but also add structure to your routine.

5. Distraction

Create a list of go-to, feel-good things when you have inevitable moments of emptiness. Think of activities you can do when you’re alone and activities you can do with friends or family. Moments of intense loneliness and pain can appear out of nowhere. A premeditated list of activities will give you options in moments where your thought energy is lacking.

Transition to Parenthood Series

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By Sasha Taskier AMFT

The First Year of Parenthood

As 2018 comes to a close, I find myself transported back to the end of 2017, when I was just a few days away from giving birth and becoming a mother. It feels almost impossible to think that I now have a one year old, and while the end of 2017 seems like it was just yesterday - the growth, change and complete transformation make it feel like a lifetime ago. 

As I continue to read, discuss (and experience) the topic of matrescense (read my post here) and the transition to parenthood in both my personal and professional life, it is clear that while becoming a parent is instant, the transformation is multifaceted, complicated and comes in waves. 

The same is true for the transition to co-parenting. You and your partner are both experiencing a personal transformation (which may happen at different rates, and in different ways), AND the level of teamwork, support and coordination required of the couple is greater than it has ever been. 

Here are some of what I found to be the most helpful lessons for individuals and co-parents for the first year of baby! My hope, as always, is that transparency and discourse will help validate your experiences and continue to create a space for these topics to be explored and discussed amongst other mothers, parents & between co-parents!

1.  Maternal Gatekeeping is a term I first heard in How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn.  The term refers to a very common occurrence: a mother openly and perhaps aggressively criticizes her partner for doing things “wrong” with the baby. Whatever it may be - changing, feeding, carrying etc. Mom guards the role of “baby expert” and rather than getting the help she needs (and wants!) she is cutting her partner’s confidence down with each critique. 

Eventually, this results in a parent (usually a father) feeling so demoralized and attacked, that he retreats from the parenting arena, leaving mom to her own devices, and feeling potentially abandoned and isolated. This is also where the team mentality can shift; mom thinks, its me & baby against the world because we are alone and my partner isn’t helpful, rather than the preferred position of mom & dad being a unified team, managing and troubleshooting the demands of parenting together. As you might imagine, if the first mindset (mom & baby against the world) is maintained long term can have very serious ramifications on the couple’s relationship both as lovers and co-parents.

So, my recommendation is, let your partner learn how to care for the baby on his or her own. Let them have the opportunity to put the diaper on backwards, or play too quickly after eating … they will learn. If the learning curve feels too scary, perhaps try a softer start up, like “Thank you so much for feeding the baby, it is so helpful. I have noticed that when I do this (what you’d like to see your partner doing) the baby reacts positively.”  Then leave the room, or the house, and allow your partner to take ownership over the task. No one needs to be micromanaged by their spouse.  

If this sounds really familiar, perhaps explore some of these questions - why do I need to be the baby expert? Am I scared to share this role with my partner? Who benefits if I am the only parent who feels confident with our child? What are the cycles and patterns that come up for us when this happens?

2. Create a sleep agreement with your partner. There is nothing worse than when your baby gets up in the middle of the night and you and your partner are fighting over who will be on baby duty. While biological mothers have greater sensitivity to their baby’s cries (thanks, evolution!), we are not exactly our most generous, patient selves at 3 am. A simple solution is agreeing beforehand, so everyone can be on the same page. Figure out what works for your family - if that is taking turns every night, or allocating certain days of the week - know the plan before you go to bed, so if you do have to get up, you can just focus on the baby and don’t have to worry about fighting with your partner.

 Same goes for sleeping in! Figure out what works for your family (work schedules/travel etc. allowing) - and give yourselves an opportunity to catch some precious sleep in the morning, (especially if your baby is an early riser!) Just make sure you agree to it the night before, so there is no unnecessary conflict when you could be depositing an extra hour into your sleep bank. 

3. Find your easy, accessible ‘self care’ go-tos, and do them often. Everyone knows the expression, you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are not giving yourself at least something during the week, you are likely not able to show up for your child, your spouse, your job etc. Figure out a few simple, affordable, & quick escapes for yourself that make the biggest difference, and figure out a time during your week that you have some childcare, some wiggle room, or negotiate taking turns with your spouse (maybe you get the morning, they get the afternoon, or you get Saturday, they get Sunday - whatever works!) 

Some examples - a bath; reading a book, going for a run outside, meeting a friend for a walk or coffee or drink. These all can be done in an hour and make the world of difference. Do not skimp on this. 

4. Do not give up everything from your life before baby. We live in a society where the culture of parenting can be relentless. (Great article here.) There can be a narrative that once you have a child you have to give up on your old life. While yes, there is a lot that will change, you are still you. Becoming a parent doesn’t mean giving up on everything but your kids. In fact, you will be a better parent if you model your dedication to lifelong hobbies, the importance of taking time for yourself, and that adults are still allowed to have fun. 

If you are a lifelong soccer player - find a way to stay in a weekly league; if you are a painter - find a way to make time to go to a painting class or paint at home (while someone else watches the baby). Yes, it will be hard to find the time and it may potentially be painful to separate from your child for a few hours, but you are investing in yourself long term and that will only make you a better version of yourself, and therefore, a better parent. And hopefully it goes without saying, support your partner in their own efforts - it will serve you both.

5. Find ways to enjoy staying in. One of the biggest transitions parents name is the amount of time they stay at home. It never used to be a big deal to grab dinner, go to the movies, or meet up with friends in the evening - now, unless you have a babysitter (or are a very lucky few who have live in support), you are putting the baby to bed, and staying in yourselves. Embrace this shift and try to find opportunities to enjoy it, both individually and as a couple. 

This might mean watching a new series together, or picking up at home yoga practice that you can do in the living room, it could even be cooking your way through a cookbook you’ve been drooling over; all of these are activities you can get into solo or enjoy with a partner or friend in the post baby bedtime hours.

6. Prepare for the financial surprises and stressors that will arrive with baby. There is a lot you can do to try and make the first year with baby a little less stressful financially. When you first become pregnant (or before, if you are super organized!), you can begin by saving monthly for funds that can go towards extraneous hospital fees, decorating the nursery, saving for maternity leave (if you do not have paid leave, or if you are planning to extend your time at home without paid leave), and extra childcare and every day costs. 

Obviously there are certain things one can anticipate - like diapers for instance, but it’s hard to anticipate everything. Give yourself a little wiggle room and realize that it takes many months to adjust to this new little person in your home. A little person whose needs may change and shift faster than you can change your budget. You may decide breastfeeding is not for you - and have to start spending more money on formula. You may decide that the last thing on earth you can do is clean your home, and you need some extra help. Or perhaps there is a change in your child careplan, and you need to switch things up last minute. Whatever it is - be gentle with yourself and your partner - and realize that perhaps the hardest part of parenting is relinquishing control.  

6. Budget extra time to your departures. You may be used to getting yourself ready and out the door; perhaps it takes you a cool 15 minutes, or you know you need an hour. You and your partner may have the same idea around time (ie. both of you prefer to be 10 minutes early, or are always running 30 minutes behind schedule!) but a lot of couples struggle to align around time and it causes a lot of repeat conflict. 

Now, add a little human into the mix! It’s going to take some time to figure out how long it takes to get your little one ready (with all their accessories/ depending on the season etc.) Once you know that, add another 10-15 minutes. Somehow, transit always takes a little longer than you anticipated and since time management is already a hot button for so many couples (even without children!) adding an extra time cushion a helpful way to avoid unnecessary partner strife. 

7. Milestones will happen - comparison is not your friend. It is hard not to compare ourselves to others in our day to day. Somehow, it seems even harder not to compare our little ones - especially when we see them side by side with another. It’s tempting to ask the parents about milestones, or even brag about your own baby’s accomplishments…totally normal, AND, be mindful that these can create a source of anxiety around milestones that happen at different rates for different kids. For the most part, barring any sort of serious condition or developmental delay, your child will crawl, your child will feed themself, they will learn to walk and talk because we all do! Try not to get stuck on the comparison train, and work to stay present and enjoy the time with your little one, because it’s likely you will look back on this time and miss the early days. 

8. There are parts of parenting that you may not like. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child, or love being their parent. This one feels like the most *shameful* topic and that’s why I want to address it; to me, this is an extension of the conversation around not loving your baby immediately. There is a lot of pressure on parents, mothers specifically, that they love everything about time with their child. While that certainly is true for many parents, it is absolutely not the only truth. Having a baby can be exhausting, infuriating, boring, and isolating (amongst other feelings!); and it can be interspersed between moments of joy, wonder and love. It is mixed, and it is hard to ride that wave day in and day out. 

Some parents choose to be with their children 24/7, and others choose (or do not have the choice) to go back to work, which inherently limits their time with their children. I know some parents who wish more than anything that they could stay home with their babies, and others who thrive being at work and find that they are better parents because the time with their babies is more precious. There is no right answer. Do what works for you -- you can love your child with every part of your being, and also dislike parenting them at times. You can enjoy reading books and playing, but bath time and feeding may feel like your personal hell. It may be the reverse for others. Do what feels good for you and your family and do not let yourself feel like you’ve failed because parts of this don’t come so easy.

Additional resources on the transition to parenthood: Becoming Us, Elly Taylor

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn 

The Birth of a Mother, Dr. Alexandra Sacks, M.D.

• Watch her TED talk

Survival Guide for the Fourth Trimester, Christina Caron for the NYTimes

You Might Not Love Your baby Immediately, Sara GaynesLevy 

3 Common Mistakes of Online Dating

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

A few years ago, Aziz Ansari came out with a book dedicated to understanding the world of online dating. Here are a few of the common online dating mistakes he outlines in Modern Romance:

1. Messaging too much before meeting

The only way to know if you truly connect with someone is to meet them face-to-face. The desire to continue texting to see if you’re a good fit is well-intentioned, however, it can cause you to lose interest in the person before actually meeting them, or them in you. It also cannot replace the first impression your brain makes when meeting someone. Send a few messages and then set up a time to meet.

2. Dismissing people too early

The seemingly endless options through dating apps are great, until they aren’t. Having too many options can actually cause us to become more picky or incapable of making a decision at all. We adopt the mindset that there is always someone better and the little quirks that we may have grown to appreciate in someone become the reason we swipe left. Rather than dismissing someone for a minor difference, try investing in a few dates before making the decision to call things off.

3. Ghosting

When we decide we are no longer interested in someone, there tends to be three options of breaking the news: pretending to be busy, saying nothing, or being honest. Out of the three options, saying nothing was agreed to be the least preferable option when on the receiving end, and being honest was the first. However, most people reported using the “pretending to be busy” option and the “saying nothing” option when they needed to break the news to someone. Silence, better known as ghosting, creates situations where people are no longer accountable for their part in interactions and self-doubt and frustration take over. Remember that there is another person on the other end of the screen and hold yourself accountable in your interactions.

The Process of Change in Therapy

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

As a therapist, I am in the business of change. Change takes many forms depending on who is pursuing this change. Clients bring a whole host of variables to the equation of change including learned behaviors and viewpoints from families of origin, unique belief systems, and significant life experiences. This list goes on. Whatever you bring to the table, will shape your path. Part of my work is to meet you where you’re at and use your strengths to promote change.

Often I’m asked how long the therapy process will take or what the roadmap of change looks like. I’ve found it helpful to discuss a few things (below) with my clients to set realistic expectations for them AND to expand their definition of change so they get the most out of this work.

It’s Messy

The preferred method of change is a map with check points and linear movement – once you’ve completed one task, it’s on to the next. You know you’ve made progress and know exactly where you’re headed next. And that’s very comforting. Change can happen like this, but in my experience, change tends to look much different. It’s messy. It’s not linear. When my clients experience new ways of being, responses and realizations are activated and new paths in the work are uncovered. Responding to what becomes activated for you makes the work rich and thorough, and this will help promote lasting change. Your responses are happening for a reason, and it’s best to honor them versus bulldozing past them. If not given the time and attention they need, they will pop up again.

It’s Gradual

One of my teachers explained the impact of small change over time. He used the metaphor of a boat changing its course by several degrees. At first it may not seem like much is happening, but over the long run, your boat’s course will look much different than its initial course. Even a small 2-degree change has big impact over time. Develop respect for this process. You may want faster results, we all do. But change is in fact happening.

The 80/20 Rule

Your commitment to the work is key. It’s going to be hard. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here. It takes persistence, curiosity, and effort outside of therapy. Many wonderful moments and realizations happen in therapy, and it’s the client’s responsibility to reflect on this work and experiment with these ideas outside of therapy. 80% of the work happens outside of the therapy room. 20% happens in the room.

Significantly Reduced Rate Therapy Sessions!

Rachel D. Miller

Focht Family Practice is now offering a unique opportunity to couples and families at a significant sliding scale fee! There is currently limited availability being offered with Rachel D. Miller, who is a doctoral student at Adler University. These sessions are required to be video recorded solely for the focus of educational purposes and are completely confidential and HIPPA compliant. To learn more, please complete the form on our Contact Page and add a note of interest in the message section.

5 Grounding Exercises for When Anxiety Hits

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By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

Anxiety is often not a favorite feeling. It can make us feel panicky, tense and not in control. While helpful in small amounts, anxiety can feel overwhelming when it is more intense. Grounding techniques are helpful in-the-moment exercises to decrease those feelings of anxiety and bring us back to the present. Here are five quick grounding exercises to try when you’re feeling anxious:

1. The “54321” Technique

- Name 5 things you can see right now (tree, bookcase, etc)

- Name 4 things you can feel right now (feet on floor, back on couch, etc)

- Name 3 things you can hear right now (music, people talking outside, etc)

- Name 2 things you can smell right now (fresh air, food cooking, etc)

- Name 1 good thing about yourself (I am thoughtful, I am strong, etc)

2. The Category Game

Try to name as many different items in a category that you can remember, such as different types of dog breeds, movies you’ve seen, cities you’ve visited, types of food, etc.

3. Square Breathing

- Inhale for 4 seconds

- Hold for 4 seconds

- Exhale for 4 seconds

- Hold for 4 seconds

- Repeat

Focus on how your breath feels coming in and out of your body during this exercise, and make sure to breathe from your diaphragm so that your belly expands before your chest.

4. Repeat a mantra or soothing statement to yourself

- “I can handle this”

- “This feeling will pass”

- “I am safe right now”

5. Remind yourself of things you are looking forward to in the next week

- Trying a new restaurant

- Going to a movie

- Spending time with a friend

Raising Boys in the Era of #MeToo

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

I recently contributed to an article on Fatherly.com entitled “7 Toxic Phrases Parents Need to Stop Saying to Their Sons.” As is typical in articles like this, only a few of my thoughts made it into the final draft. This, along with my initial appearance on the Married AF podcast where we discussed the concept of toxic masculinity and the challenges of raising boys during the #metoo era, left me wanting to expand on the mixed and problematic messages boys receive throughout their lives about what it means to be a man.

Here are some of the common phrases today’s men grew up hearing. While many parents have softened, or removed, many of these from their lexicon they are alive and well in media and deeply imbedded into the narrative of our society.

1.     “Only girls wear pink/nail polish/dresses” or “Long hair/dolls/dress up is for girls”

As women began to fight for their rights, it became more socially acceptable for women to dress like men, wear short hair, forgo makeup, etc. If we are truly working towards equality, or better yet, equity, then this needs to be a two-way street. It can’t only be okay for girls to adopt things society has deemed masculine, it also must be acceptable for boys to embrace things society claims are feminine. If girls can be fully expressive, boys must be allowed to do the same. Adopting a less binary and restrictive view of gender norms is helpful for everyone.

2.     “Boys don’t cry”

This phrase teaches boys that “softer” emotions belong to girls, preventing boys from being fully human and having the full human experience. It teaches them that only certain emotions are acceptable, and others must be quashed. Part of why many men struggle with relationships and regulating emotions is because we, as parents and a society, have told them that expressing emotions other than anger shows weakness and being weak is not acceptable. Anger is easier to grab than pain, sadness, or fear. And when all you are given is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

3.     “Toughen up/Man up/Don’t be a sissy”

Life is full of loss, challenges, hurts, and disappointments. When we tell boys they must be stoic in the face of life’s ups and downs, we make it impossible for them process their complete range of emotions. When emotions are not felt and processed they come out or are coped with in unhealthy ways. The results of unhelpful or unhealthy coping can be violence, alcohol or drug use, physical ailments, and mental health issues.

4.     “You throw/hit/run/play like a girl”

When we say this to boys we are teaching them that girls are less than. We are giving permission for them to view women and girls as not enough, less than, unworthy. We are telling them that men are better than women and girls.  Mind you boys have many important and influential women in their lives. They have moms, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, female cousins, teachers, and coaches whom they love. Yet we tell boys that doing anything like them is shameful? How does that make sense? Constantly being told that women are less than or not people to be admired or emulated can lead to entitlement and a belief that even the most reprehensible of men is somehow innately better than the most intelligent, creative, compassionate, talented, and powerful woman. See the problem?

5.     “Boys will be boys”

This excuse does a serious disservice to boys and society at large. It teaches boys that they are not responsible for their own actions and are not going to be held accountable for their behaviors. In addition, it steals their self-efficacy. It says men and boys can’t help themselves. Why this is one is particularly problematic is that it feeds into societal myths around domestic violence and sexual harassment and assault and contributes to the continual victim blaming we see happening all around us.

Doing it differently

More and more parents are expressing concerns about raising boys in the aftermath of #metoo. Here are a few of the questions I have been asked in recent months:

·      How do I help my sons understand consent and sexual harassment?

·      How do I help my teenager understand the inappropriateness and severe ramification of asking for, sending, or receiving naked SnapChats/texts/Facebook messages, etc.?

·      What can I do to counteract the messages my son is getting from friends, media, and society?

·      How do I help my son grow up to have close, meaningful relationships?

·      What steps should I take to ensure my son can fully express and manage his emotions in a healthy way?

There are not simple, straightforward answers to these questions, but feminist thought can provide parents a foundation for how to develop a more equitable household, and society, for the benefit of all genders. Removing a few phrases from our vocabulary, like those discussed above, and knowing some things not to do, while a step in the right direction, is only the beginning. Embracing feminism yourself and raising boys to be feminists will help them develop a healthy understanding of equality, equity, power, oppression, and empathy. The readings suggested below can spark discussion and provide opportunities to question how we’ve historically raised boys into men, and how we might do things differently moving forward

Articles

·      In the #MeToo Era, Raising Boys to be Good Guys by David McGlynn

·      Six Ways Dads Can Raise Feminist Sons by Kristy Ramirez

·      How to Raise a Feminist Son by Claire Cain Miller

Books

·      Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks

·      The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Part IV: Sex after baby.

Most of us have heard the age-old narrative that your sex life disappears after you have children. You are exhausted and sleep feels substantially more important than sex; perhaps your focus and intimacy is on the baby – not on each other; or, perhaps your body no longer feels desire or arousal the way it once did. No matter the reasons (and there are countless more), for some, it is a terrifying prospect that your once beloved sex life may be one of the casualties in the transition to parenthood.

There is good news: Your sex life does not have to disappear when you become a parent. It does, however, have to change and evolve for your new life and the new (very significant) constraints of having a baby. The key is to approach this change with care, curiosity and flexibility for yourself and your partner.

Let’s visit some of the significant constraints that new parents face in rebuilding their sexual relationship and therapeutic strategies you can use to address them:

1. Sleep Deprivation; This is perhaps the biggest reason that parents name when they discuss the difficulty in reigniting their sexual relationship, post baby. Especially if your child hasn’t begun to sleep in longer stretches, the idea of trading in precious sleep for sex is hard to imagine.

It’s also important to note that sleep deprivation and exhaustion can impact your hormone levels, increase anxiety and irritability, and has been associated with greater conflict between partners. It’s hard to imagine wanting to have sex or any type of physical intimacy when your sole focus is trying to maintain enough energy for a baby whose needs are continuous.

Strategy: Take turns with the night time feedings and early wake ups (if you can) so each of you can get some longer stretches. Offer support if you know your partner is especially tired. If you are breastfeeding, your partner can sit with you during a middle of the night feeding - even if he can’t “do” anything, his presence is important and signifies that you are a team. You may be sleep deprived, but you are exhausted together, and can see the experience as a bonding one. Sex might not be on the table at this point (it is likely you will want to wait until you have more energy) but building the foundation of your new co-parenting role can be incredibly intimate, and knowing you are a united front will ultimately translate into an easier transition towards physical intimacy when the time is right. (There is nothing that will put you in the mood less than fighting with your partner about who is more tired. So, try to stay on the same team and avoid the rabbit hole of sleep resentment.)

2. Hormonal impact; the hormonal impact on your postpartum body can be very significant. Many women report feeling like they’re on an emotional roller coaster in the first few weeks and months after giving birth. (Read more about the signs and impact of postpartum depression and anxiety here.)

Breastfeeding mothers are producing a hormone called prolactin, while necessary for lactation, it is also responsible for lowering libido. Breastfeeding mothers bodies often suppress ovulation and their lower estrogen levels impact cervical mucus. Vaginal dryness may be an issue – causing sexual intercourse to be less enjoyable and even painful. If that wasn’t enough, breastfeeding also lowers female testosterone, which contributes to overall decreased libido. Source

Strategy: Talk to your doctor or therapist about concerns if you notice signs of postpartum depression or anxiety in yourself or your partner. If you are ready to have sex but it feels unpleasant, you can use a water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness and consult with your doctor for other alternatives. Most of all, remember what your body went through; give it time, and communicate if you are in pain. Share with your partner what you know about the shift in your hormones and the potential impact that may have on your libido. This will help create an environment of openness and help him or her understand that your lack of arousal may not be about them at all (they will likely have their own beliefs and reasons for why this is happening.)

3. Mismatched needs & expectations; This bullet point could be the topic of an entire book. Childbirth in couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) is entirely one-sided for a period of time. The parent who gives birth will inherently bear the burden in a different way, and if she breastfeeds, that one sidedness can continue for months (or years) postpartum. All this to say, that especially in heterosexual couples, fathers may have a difficult time understanding the multitude of changes happening in his partner’s mind and body. These factors impact desire and arousal, and it may cause frustration and confusion between partners that there has been a significant change in the couples’ sex life and perceived desire for one another.

Strategy:  Talk about expectations with one another; so much of this chapter requires an open, honest dialogue about what is happening for each of you. Many partners may make assumptions about the reason for the changes in their sex lives; without asking your partner what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically, you may be completely missing the mark (and missing an opportunity to help.)

If this topic feels particularly fraught or scary, I’ve listed a number of resources at the bottom of the post that you and your partner can look to and, you can always schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or sex therapist to better understand and process the new sexual dynamics in your relationship.

4. Body insecurity, low self-esteem and not feeling sexy; Women – you just did something miraculous: you grew a human life inside of you for the better part of a year, and then went through a significant medical event in order to deliver the child. Your body went through a trauma and you may not be feeling your best, or look the way you did prior to your pregnancy.

In our current medical model, women have a 6 week postpartum check up (after a vaginal birth) in which, if everything is ok, they can be “cleared” to have sex with their partner. OBGYNs often hear their patients begging for more time, asking for a medical excuse to postpone this event, while many fathers are waiting anxiously for the green light.

Strategy: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready at that point to jump back in the saddle; be gentle with your body and yourself. You may need more time to heal than a 6-week window. Take it slow and do what you need to do in order to feel your best. That can be anything from making sure you take a shower each morning, to putting on some makeup, to making sure you go for a walk outside and feel the fresh air, and drinking enough water each day. Self care looks different for each of us.

5. Overwhelmed by the new workload & lack of time; There are only so many hours in a day. Those hours are significantly decreased when you take on a newborn feeding schedule, or are chasing a baby around. Your free time feels virtually non-existent, and it can feel like there is a never-ending mountain of work (both domestic and professional) that builds. These stressors can act as a “brake” to halt sexual arousal and desire (Nagowski). If our minds are always thinking about what needs to get done or how stressed we are, we will likely have a much more difficult time transitioning to a sexy mindset.

Strategy:  If we know our sexual drive and desire is negatively correlated with stress levels, this can be an opportunity to our partners not to complain about the lack of sex, but to ask – “what do you need help with?”

Parents need to practice self-care in order to be able to think about accessing desire for their partner. Often, this means lightening the load for your partner so they can have time to get back to themselves, and momentarily step out of mommy or daddy mode. Give them some time to see their friends (and get out of the house), to exercise (increased blood flow increases libido), and make sure you both are hydrated and fed (you need energy to have sex.)

Another helpful strategy for some is to schedule sex. For the partners who would like to increase the frequency in their sex lives but struggle to find the time in their schedules, try planning ahead. Either create a sexy calendar invite for your partner to let them know you are thinking about them, or have a standing date/time that you can connect physically. This requires a regular check in to make sure expectations are clear and flexibility with changing schedules. (For example, sending a text mid-day for your weekday “sexy time” to ask if your partner is still interested and committed to the plan for the evening. This not only helps avoid disappointment if things change, but can also help to build anticipation as the day goes on.)

6. Relying on baby for intimacy; This is a common trap for many new parents, especially new moms. As mentioned above, there is an evolutionary “one sidedness” to childbirth that is much more pronounced in the first months and year of a child’s life. Mothers often find themselves with longer parental leave to bond with the baby, and may choose to breastfeed, which requires nearly constant touch and necessary attunement with a baby’s feeding schedule.

This bonding is incredibly special, and it can be all consuming. This connection can feel so intense and magical that it begins to replace your partner’s intimacy. This quote from Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, describes this phenomenon beautifully:

“Children are indeed a source of nurturance for adults. Their unconditional love infuses our lives with a heightened sense of meaning. The problem arises when we turn to them for what we no longer get from each other: a sense that we’re special, that we matter, that we’re not alone. When we transfer these adult emotional needs onto our children, we are placing too big a burden on them” (Perel; Kerner & Raykeil, p. 50)

Strategy: Make time for your connection outside of baby. As a couple, you need to build your reservoirs of connection physically, but also emotionally and intellectually. Sometimes date night can be just for that – for connecting, talking, laughing, eating. You can even try a “no baby” rule on date night - talk about anything but the baby. Remember how and why you connected before you became parents. Another favorite tip about date night from Esther Perel!

(Side note about date night: It can be hard to feel sexy and in the mood after a full meal, late at night. Be clear about how you’re feeling and help to differentiate between date nights and sex. If you wait for sex only on date night, it may be a while, and it can heighten the pressure around the evening.)

This list of constraints and strategies is obviously not exhaustive, and quite honestly just scratches the surface of this topic. I focused mostly on parents who are transitioning to parenthood for the first time, with one child and many of the strategies are “mother-centric”. Below are additional resources that I’ve found incredibly helpful and normalizing for couples in this stage of their transition to parenthood.

Additional Resources:

•      Love in the Time of Colic, Ian Kerner & Heidi Raykeil
•      How not to Hate your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn
•      And Baby Makes Three, John & Julie Gottman
•      Becoming Us, Elly Taylor
•      Come As You Are, Emily Nagowski

The First Therapy Session: What to expect

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

You have decided to begin therapy. And with this decision comes a variety of emotions. You may feel nervous about beginning the process; the idea of sharing the most intimate parts of your life with someone new can be scary. On the other hand, you may feel relief that someone with expertise can provide the guidance and support you need. Perhaps you feel both. These reactions among many others are expected. It’s normal to be scared, relieved, anxious, hopeful, optimistic, etc. Whatever you are feeling, it’s normal.

During a first session, many clients have reflected to me that they are not sure how to do this or what to expect. As someone who has sat in the therapist chair and on the couch, I am familiar with the anxieties and uncertainties that accompany a first session. The following entails a basic structure of an initial session and some words of advice. I hope this provides comfort and clarity into what to expect during your first session.

A Basic Structure

During the first 5 to 10 minutes, a therapist is likely to go over paperwork. This includes consent to treatment, payment policies, and an overview of confidentiality. Additionally, the therapist may discuss ways to contact them outside of appointments.

Next, the therapist will be curious to understand what brings you to therapy and will listen to your story and ask questions to better understand your situation. It is also possible that you’re unsure exactly what has brought you to this moment in time. Perhaps there is so much going on you need help sorting it out. If this is the case, it may take a few sessions to identify what’s brought you here.

After discussing the challenges you face, the therapist may ask what goals you have for therapy. Goals keep the therapy grounded and help both the clients and therapist measure success and progress. They can change throughout the work, and as one goal is met, another goal may surface. It is okay if you are unable to name a goal in the initial session. The therapist will help you make sense of what is important to you.

Once these initial tasks are completed, the course of therapy diverges. Your particular challenge, stage of life, past attempts at solving the problem, and numerous other factors will shape your path. A therapist will continue to gather information to paint a picture of your situation. Together, you will collaboratively find solutions with some trial and error along the way.

Words of Advice

You are most likely in a state of vulnerability and perhaps pain. Be gentle with yourself and your expectations from the start. We all have varying levels of readiness when it comes to sharing the private details of our lives. Yes, in the first session you will be talking a lot about yourself, but there is no pressure to put it all out there unless you are ready and able to do so. I have seen clients so desperate to manhandle change that they come into therapy sharing too much too fast, and we haven’t yet established a relationship. Honor the speed that feels comfortable to you.

Speaking of the therapeutic relationship, this is a key ingredient in the process. Feeling a sense of safety and trust with the therapist will further allow you to explore the hard parts of yourself or your life that you haven’t yet examined. This relationship will take time to grow. Gauging how you feel in your therapist’s presence after a few sessions will be a good indicator of fit. If things are feeling off, I encourage you to say something directly to your therapist. Therapists are trained to receive and gather feedback. It can be uncomfortable to give your therapist feedback, but could result in an adjustment that makes the therapy process what you need. A great response to feedback from a therapist is curiosity instead of defensiveness. If you are experiencing the latter, reevaluate whether you wish to continue.

Final Comments

As therapists, we know this can be uncomfortable, we know you are stuck, and we know you’d rather be anywhere else. It is impressive and respect worthy that you wish to look at parts of your life you’d like to change. It is my greatest hope that you find comfort, enlightenment, and growth in this new process. Please know we are honored to sit with you and be a part of your life in this way.

Five Benefits to Premarital Counseling

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

You’re engaged! Congrats! Looking at your ever-growing list of wedding planning tasks, take a moment to consider adding premarital counseling to the top. Here are five benefits to completing premarital counseling with your partner before saying “I do.”

1.     Identifying potential future problem areas

Premarital counseling delves into topics most couples don’t usually think too much about before tying the knot. Questions such as, “How much input do you want from your in-laws about raising your kids?”, “Do you view debt as a shared or separate responsibility?”, “What feels fair for division of household chores?”, “How much time do you each need alone versus together?”, allow couples to begin talking about their differences, and potential areas of disagreement. Talking about how you’re going to handle your finances now, before you are fighting about how the money is being spent, allows for greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings. The more information you have about potential problem areas, the more proactive you and your partner can be about managing them.

2.     Improving communication in the now

Premarital counseling is an great opportunity to address any communication issues you and your partner have now, before they become set in stone and more difficult to change later. Learning how to share your emotions, listen to your partner, take accountability, and ask for your needs are difficult things to do. Premarital counseling provides tools to do so more effectively without blaming and hurting the other person.

3.     Setting up relationship expectations

We all have expectations about relationships and about marriage. Unfortunately, we often don’t know what those expectations were until they are not met. Talking openly about your expectations in premarital counseling allows for you and your partner to co-create your marriage expectations together and establish a shared sense of understanding and commitment.

4.     Discussing short and long term goals

Planning the future with your partner needs to go a few steps further than just the wedding. Premarital counseling provides the space to discuss both short and long term goals, making ideas about the future more concrete and tangible. It also provides an opportunity to discuss ways to reach those goals and move forward as a team.

5.     Learning new things about each other

Amazingly, there is always more to learn about your partner. Premarital counseling provides a unique opportunity for you and your partner to learn and grow together. It cultivates curiosity and a sense of adventure, establishing a positive foundation for you and your partner to embark from.

Braving the Wilderness: A Mini Review

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By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

I recently read Braving the Wilderness, Dr. Brené Brown’s newest book on the quest for true belonging in an era of emotional disconnection and political toxicity. I have long been a fan of Dr. Brown’s work; I try to reread her books Daring Greatly and Rising Strong every chance I get, and I am constantly recommending them to both clients and friends alike. I had very high hopes for her newest work, and let me tell you, it surpassed even my incredibly high expectations.

Here is a mini-review of the book, including reasons for its potency and relevance, and some of my favorite takeaways.

Brown explores to the rise of disconnection in our communities. She sees that our political parties have become gangs that leave no room for dissent amongst us. Perhaps more importantly, if we stay inside these bunkers, we lose the ability to connect with those on the outside. We are the most separated and siloed we have ever been, and despite being surrounded by the people who (likely) share our political beliefs, we are also the most lonely, isolated and disconnected we have ever been. So, while we may be gathered under the same bunkers of political ideology, we are really still alone.

Rather than continuing to stay in our bunkers and stonewalling (or fighting) with anyone who has a different belief than ours, Brown encourages us to learn to stand in the wilderness and begin to have the hard and painful conversations. Only through these moments of real connection can we better belong to ourselves and to one another.

To do this with any sort of success, Brown provides practices and tools that are meant to help us step into and become, what she calls “the wilderness”, both rooted deeply in our beliefs and integrity, and courageous enough to open ourselves to those around us even if we know it might not be popular opinion. We must choose courage over comfort and learn to embrace vulnerability. Both vulnerability and joy are the keys to true belonging.

Here are her tips for braving the wilderness:

• Boundaries: Set/Hold/Respect them. The challenge is letting go of being liked and the fear of disappointing.
• Reliability: Do not over commit or overpromise to please others or prove yourself.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• Accountability: Issue meaningful apologies. Let go of blame and stay out of shame.
• Vault: Share only what is yours to share. Stop using gossip to hotwire a quick connection with someone.
• Integrity: Choose courage over comfort. Practice living in your values.
• Generosity: Be honest and clear with others about what is ok and what is not.

Brown masterfully provides both research findings and anecdotes to better explain and unpack how these tools show up in our daily lives and why they are so integral to true belonging. One of my favorite sections from the book was a practice called: Hold Hands with Strangers.

She teaches that collective joy and pain are the cornerstones of human connection; “seek out moments of collective joy and show up for collective pain.” These are the moments that reinforce our human connection, such as concerts, sporting events and even movies where there is a palpable force of love and connection in the audience. Have you ever felt an experience of collective joy? For me, singing songs arm in arm with my best friends at my childhood summer camp triggers those memories. Even the joy I experienced at a Beyoncé concert, singing and dancing with strangers who loved her the same way I do. They were moments that, although maybe silly, made me feel hopeful about the goodness of people.

Moments of collective pain, such as funerals, or sitting with a friend who is grieving or hurting, are profoundly important - albeit much more difficult and uncomfortable. We need both.

Brown shares a study that examined the impact of collective assembly. The findings showed that these experiences “contribute to a life filled with sense of meaning, increased positive affect, increased sense of social connection, and decreased sense of loneliness. All essential components of a happy healthy life.” The best part is, they have a lingering effect; we hold onto these positive feelings past the events themselves.

Even since the rise of social media in the last decade, we have become simultaneously more connected and more isolated and lonely. Brown’s ultimate message resonates with me very deeply - if we want true, authentic belonging in this world, we first have to know who we are, what roots us and only then, can we turn outwards and engage with our friends and communities from a place of curiosity, vulnerability and shared humanity.

There are countless pieces of wisdom in this book, from conflict transformation tools to parenting advice, and its message could not be more important or relevant for our world today. So, pick up a copy - (and then talk to someone about it, in person!)

Talking with Your Teen: 5 Things to Remember

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

If social media postings, the array of parenting books, and the countless blogs and newspaper articles available are any indication, little is more mystifying, frustrating, or sanity threatening to parents than raising teenagers. Only the terrible twos and dreaded threenagers can rival teens in attitude, unprovoked outbursts, and confounding behaviors. And while at times talking to your teen may feel like you have reverted to speaking with a toddler, as a parent of teens myself, I can relate, there are a few key things that can aid you in having productive, meaningful, and relationship enhancing conversations with your teen.

1)    Leave your ego at the door.

Dr. Fred Hanna, a wise professor and therapist I know, specializes in working with some of the most challenging teenagers around. He and I share this belief that unless you can set your ego aside, there is almost no room for empathy which is key to being in any relationship, but particularly with teenagers (Hanna, 2016). While his work talks about the therapeutic relationship, I believe it is applicable to the parent/child one as well. When ego is involved a power struggle likely follows, and they rarely end positively for anyone involved. In the book, The Awakened Family, Shefali Tsabary, PhD, talks about how parenting challenges tend to stem from our ego, the blindly reactive piece of us that comes from a place of fear and a need to protect ourselves, our identity, and our desires and expectations for our children. When parents can learn to recognize when their ego is involved, the skills needed to be able to set it aside can be learned as well. Setting aside our ego allows us to take things less personally, and step into a place of empathy for the experiences of the teenagers in our lives. Teenagers often just need to be heard, and have their thoughts, experiences and feelings validated so they can reduce their own defensiveness and have space to hear you. I encourage you to watch Brené Brown’s video on empathy for a clearer understanding of the importance of empathy and consider how you might apply it in future conversations with your teen.

2)    Live your values; practice what you preach

It may seem that your teenager never listens to a word you say, but I promise they are watching everything you do. They can smell hypocrisy a mile away, and almost nothing turns them off faster. When teens in my office are the angriest at the adults in their lives, it tends to be around things they see as unjust or hypocritical. Are you setting rules and consequences based on the values you hold, and you are trying to instill in your child, or are they based the rules you grew up with, or what you have seen other set? Are they set up in a family meeting or given from the top down without any explanation other than “because I said so?”

People rarely like to be told what to do; teenagers are no different. But, when rules, or restrictions, or chores are given in context, with an explanation and discussion where there is potential for input, even teenagers can be convinced to go along. Where I have seen teenagers rebel the most is when they believe that certain rules only apply to them, or that their parents do not live by the standards and values they try to place on their children. One of the ways I have found to assist around this is to do a values exercise with parents and their teens. This can open discussions around the differing values of each member of the family, as well as opportunities to talk about how the family rules line up with its values. When you are clear about your own values, it is easier to remain consistent around the rules that you do set, providing the structure that teenagers need to thrive. As a bonus these exercises can enlighten you about both yourself and your teen. If you would give this a try here are a couple links:

https://www.nwabr.org/sites/default/files/ValuesActivities.pdf

https://www.taproot.com/archives/37771

3)    You were a teenager once too.

Do you remember yourself as a teenager? If not, I am sure your own parents would love to enlighten you about your attitude, rule breaking, talking back, and every other thing you did that made them nuts. This goes back to the empathy piece. You have an opportunity here to empathize with both your teen and your parents. Now might be a great time for that apology. You know they’re relishing that you have a teenager just like you. Take a moment to try and remember how you felt as a teenager. Put yourself back in that place where you felt unheard, unimportant, maybe even unloved. Can you remember how it felt to have your body seemingly go haywire on you? Do you recall how it felt to be left out, or have your first heartbreak, and to believe that nobody could really understand?

If you’re struggling with this, or maybe have some grandiose memories about your teenage years, or a belief that today’s teenagers are so much worse than the teens of our generation, you might want to be suspicious of your memories, as Ken Hardy discusses in Teens who Hurt. Memory becomes softer and more generous with the passage of time. In addition to its selective nature, memory also has a tendency to embellish. Few of us were as good, or respectful, or obedient, as we might like to recall. Find an old yearbook or a journal to see if you can refresh your memory a bit. Try if you can to put yourself back in that place, in those feelings. Consider what you would have liked from the adults in your life back then. See what pieces of that you can provide for you own child. Talk to your teenager, and ask overtly what they need from you, what you can do that would be helpful, and then listen to hear them, rather than listen to respond.

4)    Behaviors usually serve a purpose.

Too often it is teenage attitude and negative behaviors that get a parent’s attention. Too seldom is the question “What is the purpose of this?” asked. One of the quickest ways to determine what the potential purpose of any particular behavior might be it to check in with your own reaction to it. For example, if your child’s behavior leaves you with feelings of being provoked, challenged, or defeated, Jane Nelson, Ed.D. author of the book Positive Discipline, would suggest that the underlying goal of the behavior is around power, and a belief that one belongs only when they are in charge or at least not being bossed around. This scenario seems to resonate with many of my teens and parents. While this book is geared more towards those parenting younger children, I think it still has value for parents of teenagers. It has the potential to offer insight into what is going on for you as well as them, aiding in setting aside ego and increasing curiosity and empathy about what your teenager’s behaviors are trying to tell you. There is a quick reference chart from the book available here to get you started.

5)    Maintaining the relationship matters most.

If you want to continue having a positive influence over your teen and have them turn to you for counsel and support, maintaining your relationship will need to take priority over being right, having control, pride, ego, or your own emotions. This one can be tough. You will often find yourself walking the fence between maintaining structure and consistency, with maintaining the relationship. Flexibility and adaptability will be key to stage in parenting. The plus side is that even when you screw up, teenagers can be some of the most forgiving people I have ever met. When you as a parent can own your mistakes, apologize, and change your behaviors accordingly, teenagers can and do forgive even some of the worst transgressions. They want to be connected to you as much as you want to be connected to them, it just looks different now.  

Raising teenagers is not always easy, but it can be the most rewarding time you ever have as a parent. There is incredible growth potential for you and for them despite its many ups and down. Remember too, you don’t have to do this alone. Family therapy can help with the challenges of transitioning into this new stage of life and parenting. A therapist can assist with a strained relationship, or support for those difficult conversations so many parents dread. We are here to help you navigate this sometimes daunting journey called parenthood.

References

Hanna, F. J., (2016). Ten powerful techniques for helping difficult adolescents to change.

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

PART III: Couple & Co-Parent Conflict

In conversations with new parents, one of the topics that often gets overlooked (and hidden) is the shock that the transition to parenthood can have on the couple. Some couples do transition to co-parents seamlessly, but more often than not, there is an enormous amount of stress associated with this shift, and growing pains to navigate.

[Before diving in, I want to acknowledge and honor that people (individuals and couples) enter into parenthood in a myriad of ways; for the purposes of this post, I am focusing on couples that have been together as romantic partners prior to becoming parents.]

As if the addition of a tiny human wasn’t stressful enough, the transition from partners to co-parents can be one of the most fraught, and often deprioritized. Suddenly, you now have two relationships to foster – your romantic one, and your co-parent one. (There is an upcoming post on the romantic relationship post-baby, stay tuned!)

Often, in times of transition we experience a spike in stress, depression, anxiety and conflict. This applies to everything from moving to a new city to losing a job, and even losing a loved one. Transitions are some of the hardest things we go through as humans – and frequently, we have trouble navigating the new environment we find ourselves in.  Couples can have it particularly hard – as each parent attempts to navigate the demands of parenthood for themselves, they also have to simultaneously make that adjustment as a team. As you can imagine, or you have already experienced, this new territory (plus sleep deprivation) can create the perfect storm for couple conflict.

Why is it important to minimize couple conflict?

While I think most of us can agree that fighting with our spouse is generally unpleasant (and unwanted), we may not have enormous incentive to change our behavior and curb our conflict. Conflict doesn’t just impact our marital satisfaction and mental health, it also impacts our physical wellbeing. There is research linking hostile couple conflict with heart disease, and a slower rate of healing. (Dunn, 55). If that isn’t incentive enough, we have learned that children, even our babies, react negatively to conflict.

Researchers at the University of Oregon were able to conclude that infants as young as six months old react negatively to angry argumentative voices (Dunn, 23). According to Julie and John Gottman, children three to six years old believe that they are the cause of their parents fighting, and children ages six to eight tend to pick sides between parents during conflict (Gottman).  In fact, psychologists have found that the day after a conflict, mothers are better able to compartmentalize and return to normal parenting mode with their children, whereas fathers had a much harder time returning to family life, therefore impacting their relationship with their children. They found that the conflict between parents often spilled over for the father, and resulted in friction between him and the children even days after the fight (Dunn, 24).

So, what does this mean for childhood development? Researchers from Notre Dame found that kindergarteners whose parents fought frequently were more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, and struggle with behavioral issues by the time they reached seventh grade (Dunn, 24). Babies raised in unhappy marriages have shown a plethora of developmental problems, from delayed speech and potty training to inability to self-soothe (Gottman).

It is unrealistic to assume that you and your partner will never fight. In fact, it would be a disservice to your children if you never showed them conflict at all. Think about it as an opportunity to be on your best behavior to show your children that people can be mad and still love each other. Those two things can certainly co-exist, but the important part is to model fair fighting.

Tips for fair fighting & Reducing Conflict:

1.     Active Listening Techniques (Dunn, 72-76)

1. Emotion Labeling – helping to name your partner’s emotions (if you see frustration, you might say – “you seem frustrated”); naming and validating these emotions can take the person from a purely emotional state to a more reflective, rational state (Dunn, 73).

2. Paraphrasing – simply restating your partner’s message in your own words; this tells them that you are listening and absorbing what they are sharing with you.

3. Offering minimal encouragement – this is offering either non-verbal nods, or verbal “mhms” and “yeahs” in order to convey to your partner that you are still tracking them while they speak.

4. Asking open-ended questions – The goal is to avoid yes or no questions but to give your partner more space to share; you can do this by saying “can you tell me more about that?” or “I didn’t understand what you meant by that, but I’d like to. Can you help me by explaining further?” (Dunn, 75).

5. Using “I” Messages – The “I” message allows you to share your feelings in a less provocative manner. Rather than saying “You are always late!” you could try “I feel so frustrated when you’re late because …”

2.     What NOT to do – Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman, )

1. Criticism – insults, using phrases like “you always…” or “you never…”

2. Defensiveness – counterattacking, whining, denying responsibility

3. Stonewalling – freezing out your partner and shutting down mid conversation; 85% of stonewallers are men because they tend to become so overwhelmed by conflict that their limbic system shuts them down, unable to take in new information (and leaves their partner in the lurch.)

4. Contempt – cynicism, attacking your partner’s character, eye-rolling, mocking, and sarcasm(!)

3.     Take a time out

Sometimes, conflicts can just become too overwhelming and out of control. If you are “deadlocked” – take a break. Gottman found that it takes approximately 30 minutes for the chemicals released during a conflict to exit the body. After this time, come back together and try discussing the topic with some of the included tools (Gottman).

4.     If all else fails: here is a helpful script (courtesy of Julie & John Gottman and Jancee Dunn)

[Share hidden soft emotion, like hurt/sad/betrayed/isolated] when [describe what happened without blame]. Then, [State your need clearly]. [admit your role in the conflict] and [accept influence]. Finally, [repair.]

For example -

[share soft emotion] I felt hurt when [what happened without blame] our childcare plans fell through last minute and I was left to figure it out by myself since you were out of town. [ask for what you need] I need you to help me set up childcare and backup options so that the burden isn’t entirely on me. [admit your role] I was already stressed when this happened, so I totally acknowledge that I lost my cool with you. [accept influence] I trust your ability to help choose babysitters so I would love your input. [repair] I’m sorry I lost my temper when we discussed this before and I’m hopeful we can get through this together.

Sources & Resources:

Dunn, Jancee. How not to hate your husband after kids. Little, Brown and Company, 2018

Gottman, John M., and Julie Schwartz. Gottman. And Baby Makes Three: the Six-Step for Preserving Martial Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives. Three Rivers Press, 2007.

Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan. The seven principles for making marriage work. Cassell Illustrated, 2018.

Back From the Honeymoon.....Now What?

By Karen Focht, LMFT

There is so much time and energy that goes into planning a wedding.  Although this process can be stressful, it also comes with feelings of excitement and exhilaration.  After all of those countless hours of planning your big day comes and goes in a matter of moments! 

Through both my personal and professional experience over the years, I have seen the joyful heightened state of a couple experiencing their wedding and honeymoon, and then the quick jolt back into the reality of day to day life.  How do we keep that sweet honeymoon glow as we transition back to life as a now married couple?  Here are a few tips to consider.

1.     Tap into new interests:  Make a list with your partner to identify new interests to peruse together as a couple.  This could include a class on cooking, knife skills or improve, just to name a few.

2.     Get connected to other strong couples:  Creating a positive support network which includes other couples can strengthen your relationship’s foundation and offer additional support through challenging times that may come up in the future. 

3.    Explore your city:  Create time out of the ordinary with one another.  Visit a museum, check out a new hotspot, or spend time outdoors in your neighborhood. 

4.     Check In:  Carve out intentional time each week to sit down and connect around your relationship.  What are your strengths as a couple?  What are the challenges you face and how can you work together to improve upon these challenges?

5.     Seek additional support:  Therapy is not only important through the challenging times, but can also be tremendously helpful to continue to strengthen relationships while they flourish. 

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

PART II: Becoming a Mother

We are all taught to believe that pregnancy & motherhood are magnificent times in a woman’s life and that we, as women, intuitively transition into parenthood. What we aren’t taught is that often this transition also comes with shock, disappointment and fear. One of the reasons I wanted to write this blog series is to shed light on certain parts of this transition that may not be discussed as easily or openly in our communities and amongst our friends. In this post, I will be exploring some of the stories and myths around becoming a mother.

I recently listened to an interview with Dr. Catherine Birndorf, MD – a psychiatrist and obstetric gynecologist, who specializes in perinatal mood disorders, working almost exclusively with pregnant and postpartum women. She referred to the period of becoming a mother as “maitrescence.” Similar to adolescence, which we widely acknowledge to be a time of intense struggle and transition, maitrescence is another highly destabilizing time in a woman’s life, yet it often doesn’t get the same attention or acknowledgment.

Becoming a parent is a massive identity shift; once it happens, it is forever. You may have months and years to think about it and prepare, but the transition is instant; one moment your baby is safe and secure inside of you and the next, he or she is out in the world, needing your nourishment, warmth, and safety. You are responsible for a tiny little life and it is terrifying and wonderful all at the same time.

Many of the struggles Dr. Birndorf sees in her work are about the expectations women have about motherhood, and the disappointment and confusion that sometimes sets in when those expectations do not meet reality. Here are some of the thoughts I’ve heard and had on the difficulties of becoming a mother:

• There is a narrative that I heard constantly when I was pregnant. That is, the moment you see your baby, you will be instantly attached and in love. Yes, many women do feel instant love and connection to their baby, but for others it takes more time to bond and experience feelings of love. It can be embarrassing, or even shameful to admit that your experience is outside this “norm.” More often than not, we keep these ‘shameful’ feelings a secret and let them ruminate.                                                       
• You may need to mourn the loss of your freedom. Often we cannot even conceptualize the immense sacrifice that motherhood entails until we are in the throws of it all. Learning to give up your solo time, to no longer be able to run out of the house for an errand or walk the dog without a plan in place, or to have an impromptu date night with your partner – these are all difficult adjustments.                                                                                                                                                                        
• Productivity is a trap and it is not serving you. Many of us measure the success of our days based on how productive we were. Give yourself permission to step off that productivity treadmill during this transition – because feeding a newborn (every two hours!), feeding yourself, and trying to sleep somewhere in between, is a full day. This is not the time for more work (or to worry about checking things off a to-do list, no matter how much your internal overachiever wants you to!) One helpful tactic I like to fall back on is to ask myself, what would I say to my best friend if she were sharing these feelings with me?                        
• Your body has just gone through a major trauma and depending on your delivery, you may be in a huge amount of pain, and unable to care for your baby the way you hoped you would in the first weeks. Treat your body like you are treating your newborn – with care, concern, love and patience. Again, what would I say to my best friend if she were in this position? Can we work to show the grace and love we show to others, to ourselves?                                                                                                   
• You are no longer the center of attention – for the doctors or your partner. For nine months you are under the care of a doctor every month (and eventually every week); you have a treasured spot in our society as a pregnant woman and often you are doted on, cared for and pampered like you have never been before (totally deserved by the way, you are growing a human life.) But, often all of that love and attention (from doctor, from partner, from the world) is transferred over to baby, and you may be left wondering where all the attention went. (Women are often not required to see your doctor until six weeks after your delivery, while newborns see his or her pediatrician 3-4 times in six weeks.)

This is such a hard thing to acknowledge, and it might feel embarrassing or inappropriate to say that you need some extra love and attention when there is a little baby in the picture. Honor those needs and communicate what you are feeling to both your partner and your doctors.

• Becoming a mother can elicit questions that might feel overwhelming; Am I ready to be a mother? Who do I want to be as a mother? What do I want my child to experience in their childhood? But also, how was I mothered? Are there pieces of that story that are upsetting or triggering? Setting time aside to truly reflect on these questions can be daunting, but the reward is just as much yours as it is your baby’s.

If all of these weren’t enough, you may be experiencing a shift in your hormones, sleep deprivation, depression and anxiety symptoms all while you are caring for a newborn. See my post about Postpartum Depression (& Perinatal Mood Disorders) in Part 1 of The Transition to Parenthood series.

Additional resources & books:

More about Dr. Catherine Birndorf, MD and her most recent projects: https://www.themotherhoodcenter.com/         

Postpartum Support & Information

Nurture by Erica Chidi Cohen

Bringing up Bébé, by Pamela Druckerman

Great with Child by Beth Ann Fennelly

Art of Waiting, by Belle Boggs

SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

NorthShore MOMS Line
1-866-364-MOMS (866-364-6667)
The NorthShore MOMS Line is a free, confidential, 24/7 hotline staffed by licensed counselors who can help you find the information, support and resources you need to feel better. You don’t have to be in crisis to call.

Introducing: The Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

As some of you may know, I had my first child at the beginning of this year. Welcoming this addition to my family has been so special, incredibly emotional and, at times, completely overwhelming. I am so grateful for the many Mamas who have shared their stories both personally (and in writing,) helping to bring the variance of experiences into the open.

A theme that continues to surface is the importance of being aware and informed of the potential challenges, risks and changes that may arise during this major transition. This way, if /when something comes up, you can identify what is happening and give that experience a ‘name.’ Once it is named, you can externalize your symptoms; step outside of the feeling momentarily and recalibrate your response. Most importantly, you can know you are not the only person with these thoughts and feelings.

My hope is that through this series, more mothers and fathers can be empowered to seek solidarity in their experiences, better identify any symptoms they may have or see in their partners’ and open a dialogue for parents to explore the gifts, challenges and surprises of the transition to parenthood.

Part 1: Postpartum Depression

As a therapist, one of the biggest risks that I am mindful of is postpartum depression. It is likely you have heard of PPD and how scary it can be, or perhaps you know someone who has experienced it; for those who haven’t, postpartum depression is a mood disorder that can affect women after childbirth.

“Mothers with postpartum depression experience feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion. After childbirth, the levels of hormones in a woman’s body quickly drop. This leads to chemical changes in her brain that may trigger mood swings. In addition, many mothers are unable to get the rest they need to fully recover from giving birth. Constant sleep deprivation can lead to physical discomfort and exhaustion, which can contribute to the symptoms of postpartum depression.” - National Institute of Mental Health

While I am able to identify the symptoms of PPD and help my clients navigate and treat their own experiences, this does not mean I am in any way immune from the experience itself.  I found myself feeling all sorts of emotions in the weeks after my daughter was born. I was sleep deprived, my hormones felt like they were on a rollercoaster and I was overwhelmed by the demands of a newborn baby. I could cry at the drop of a hat, and found myself snapping at my partner (who was also going through his own transition!) After a few weeks, getting outside, exercising, getting support from other mamas in my community, and allowing time for my hormones to normalize I began to feel more like myself. Knowing that all of these symptoms are completely normal and even to be expected, made them much easier to weather (both for myself and my partner.)

While many of my symptoms dissipated after a few weeks, that is not always the case and it is so important to recognize this risk;

“While many women experience some mild mood changes during or after the birth of a child, 15 to 20% of women experience more significant symptoms of depression or anxiety…Women of every culture, age, income level and race can develop perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Symptoms can appear any time during pregnancy and the first 12 months after childbirth.” – http://www.postpartum/net

Here are some helpful questions to ask if you feel that you or a loved one may be experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety:

·       Are you feeling sad or depressed?

·       Do you feel more irritable or angry with those around you?

·       Are you having difficulty bonding with your baby?

·       Do you feel anxious or panicky?

·       Are you having problems with eating or sleeping?

·       Are you having upsetting thoughts that you can’t get out of your mind?

·       Do you feel as if you are “out of control” or “going crazy”?

·       Do you feel like you never should have become a mother?

·       Are you worried that you might hurt your baby or yourself?

(Source: http://www.postpartum.net/)

If you answered yes to one (or a few, or all) of these questions - please know, you are not alone in these feelings and with informed care, you can prevent a worsening of these symptoms and can fully recover. There is no need to continue suffering. Please see below for additional resources and emergency support if necessary.

Post Partum Depression (PPD) is one of many experiences that can arise from the transition to parenthood. Other areas to consider are the couples’ transition to parenthood including changes in arousal and desire, the new division of labor at home, financial responsibility and continuing to find ways to practice self care as parents. I will address these and many other topics in my new Transition to Parenthood series. Stay tuned!

Additional Resources & Supports:

Http://www.postpartum.net

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtml

https://www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-depression_227.bc

SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

NorthShore MOMS Line
1-866-364-MOMS (866-364-6667)
The NorthShore MOMS Line is a free, confidential, 24/7 hotline staffed by licensed counselors who can help you find the information, support and resources you need to feel better. You don’t have to be in crisis to call.

The Power of Positivity

By Caitlin Nelson, AMFT

Prioritizing positivity about ourselves has taken a bit of beating over the years, in part due to the rise of social media. We are invited to compare ourselves, almost constantly, to the rose-colored images of other people’s lives. The impact this is having on our well-being has been tied to an increase in anxiety and depressive symptoms. Our ability to remind ourselves that social media is a highlight reel, rather than a true depiction of others, allows us to stay mindful of reality. It also allows us to cultivate an appreciation for the positive aspects of our own lives.

Feeling grateful increases our sense of satisfaction and our self-esteem. It can also decrease the felt impact from negative experiences. An easy way to begin focusing on the positives in your own life is to keep a gratitude journal. Gratitude journals have been shown to decrease stress, improve sleep, and increase self-awareness. Dedicate time throughout your week to document what you are grateful for and allow your positive sense of self to flourish.

Learn more about the impact of social comparison here.

Delve further into gratitude journals here.

3 Relationship Resolutions to Reconnect with your Partner in the New Year

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By Rachel D. Miller MA, AMFT

It’s that time of year again. Television, radio, and social media are plastered with ads for gyms, weight loss programs, dating sites, and a myriad of products to help you quit whatever bad habit you have resolved to give up this year.

“New year, new you!” has been January’s motivational mantra for decades. For those in committed relationships, this may not be the best approach to New Year’s resolutions. As Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), points out in her book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, “Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on individual goals, that many abandon before the end of January. Why not make this the year that you add relationship resolutions to your annual list? Ensuring a safe, loving, deep connection with your partner, may just be the thing you need to bring out the best in yourself in the coming year. Here a few suggestions to get you started.

1.     Start couples therapy. Therapy isn’t just for times of crisis. It’s actually a great way to take a proactive approach to your relationship and strengthen your connection.

2.     Refocus on prioritizing, improving, or expanding your sex life. A great sex life is an integral part of a satisfying relationship, but it rarely happens spontaneously, or without intent. Fun ways to do this might include attending a class or workshop at your local adult novelty store, setting up weekly sex dates (yes, planed sexual encounters can still be fun and satisfying), or exploring erotic literature or mutually pleasurable porn together.

3.     Create a book club with your partner. Whether you choose books on relationships, sex, or just share the latest fiction best sellers, reading the same book promotes intentional, planned conversations that do not revolve around things like bills, chores, kids, or work. Some of my personal favorites, if you need a place to start are:

·      Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

·      The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

·      Come as you are by Emily Nagoski, Phd

·      The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD & Nan Silver

·      Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

·      Attached by Amir Levine, MD & Rachel S. F. Heller, MA

Sharing experiences, meaningful conversations, and physical intimacy create opportunities for connection and closeness. When we feel securely attached to our partners, and our relationships becomes our safe space, we are better equipped to handle the stresses and challenges life will undoubtedly throw our way, and become our best selves. Make this year different. Focus your energy on a “new us” to help you be successful in your quest for a “new you.”

PART II: STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING INFERTILITY

By Karen focht, ma, lmft

What an amazing experience to be apart of the Shine Fertility support call a few weeks back.  For a summary of what was covered please visit here!

STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING INFERTILITY

BY Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

I had the pleasure of meeting up with Erin McDaniel, who is a fertility coach dedicated to helping women have a more positive family building experience.  Erin is committed to providing unique care and assistance during the challenging time of infertility. I not only have the privilege of working with individuals and couples during the process of infertility, but I have also navigated through my own personal process with secondary infertility.  These experiences have created a passion in supporting couples through this challenging process. When Erin asked if I would be interested in participating in an interview on this very topic I enthusiastically accepted. I hope you enjoy....here it is!

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WHAT TIPS CAN YOU SHARE FOR COUPLES WANTING TO STAY CONNECTED DURING THEIR FERTILITY JOURNEY?

The fertility process is experienced differently from partner to partner. With that being said, it is common that each person will have their own individual feelings and needs that may differ from one another. The most important thing to focus on is communicating with your partner, sharing your process, and advocating for your specific needs throughout the journey - while also holding space for your partner's needs. Recognizing and allowing for these differences will create support within the relationship.

DO YOU HAVE RECOMMENDATIONS OF THINGS TO "DO" OR WAYS TO "BE" TO HELP KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP STRONG THROUGH THIS CHALLENGING TIME?

Here are a few things to consider as a couple during the process:

Communication: It is important to allow space for open and honest thoughts and feelings. Remember that the way you deal with the process may look different from your partner. Allow for acceptance of this difference while also advocating for what your specific needs are. The treatment process can at times feel all consuming. Try carving out specified time for a regular check in with your partner each week. This time can be spent sharing your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and fears along with checking in with your partner around their needs. Day to day life is already busy and with added doctor's appointments and treatment, it can add challenge to taking the time to share. This check in will make the time while also creating safety in knowing that there is intentional space to share with one another

Counseling: Providing support to one another is important. With that being said, you are each going through this process. Identifying professional support can be vital to keeping communication strong while also providing a platform to share your emotions and experience.

Time for fun: When fertility treatment becomes all consuming, this is when you should think about things you can do together as a couple to help create more of a balance within life and the relationship. This could be as simple as a date night, cooking class or other activity that may have been pushed aside while navigating through the fertility world. Re-engaging in quality time, activities, and hobbies will allow for positivity and connection.

Sex & intimacy: The science behind fertility treatment creates very specific instructions around what you can and can not do...especially when it comes to sex. This can be experienced as taking the fun or pleasure out of the relationship which may result in a decrease in intimacy and sexual satisfaction. If you are instructed to restrain from sex, consider nonsexual forms of touching in order to connect. This could be as simple as a hug, holding hands, massage, or cuddling.

On the other end of the spectrum is the instruction to have intercourse during very specific times. This can often create pressure and take the fun out of sex altogether. Consider making a change to the norm. Plan for a "staycation" with a stay at a local hotel, a night out on the town, or a romantic dinner at home to create an opportunity for something outside of the "norm". Talking about sex with your partner will help build a stronger bond with intimacy. Working with a couples therapist can help guide you through these challenging conversations while providing support.

““The most important message is that each partner is going through this process together in real time...it is important to support one another, but it is also vital to have access to additional support outside of the relationship.””

— — Karen Focht, MA, LMFT of Focht Family Practice

I OFTEN HEAR QUESTIONS FROM MY FEMALE CLIENTS ABOUT THEIR MALE PARTNERS. QUESTIONS LIKE, "HOW IS HE FEELING?", "DOES HE NEED ADDITIONAL SUPPORT?", AND "WHO CAN HE TALK TO?". WHAT RESPONSE WOULD YOU OFFER?

Although it is important to provide support to one another, it is also beneficial for each partner to identify and access additional support through the process. This can be through family, friends, a therapist, or support group. Unfortunately, there aren't many support groups out there for males which ends up reinforcing a message that male partners don't need support. This is not the case and support through community can be very helpful. A list of support group providers can be found here.

MANY WOMEN WILL TELL ME THEIR PARTNER IS THE "ROCK" AND THE "HOPEFUL ONE." THIS WORKS WELL - UNTIL S/HE FALTERS. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER MAY BE STRUGGLING, AND WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO HELP?

The most important message with this is the fact that each partner is going through this process together in real time. Yes, it is important to support one another, but it is also vital to have access to additional support outside of the relationship. Being proactive and identifying this support early on will ensure that each partner has options as struggle, disappointment, and challenge may arise.

WHEN SHOULD A COUPLE CONSIDER THERAPY AS PART OF THEIR FERTILITY JOURNEY? WHAT SHOULD THE COUPLE EXPECT FROM THE THERAPY PROCESS?

I find it to be beneficial to proactively seek additional support through this journey, which also includes couples therapy. It is important to identify a therapist who is familiar with fertility treatment and has specific experience working with couples. The therapy process holds a focus of creating a safe platform to communicate and share with one another while also identifying goals to focus on throughout the process.

WHAT ARE SOME RESOURCES YOU RECOMMEND FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION?

Support through fertility treatment is vital. Here are a list of resources to check out:

·       Where to start when looking for a local support group

·       Where to start when looking for an individual or couples therapist

·       Shine Fertility, a Chicagoland non-profit providing free mentorship, support, and education to women with infertility

·       RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association

·       American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)

Click here for full interview details.

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I will be participating in a monthly group support call through Shine Fertility on Wednesday, 11/29, at 8:00pm CST.  These calls focus on providing support to anyone facing infertility.  We will be focusing on the topic of staying connected with your partner during infertility.  Click here for more details!