Sitting In Your Impact

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

Our impact on others can be positive; it can look like encouragement, understanding, support, love, etc. Our impact can also feel negative; it can look like betrayal, hurt, ostracization, misunderstanding, etc. When the latter occurs, and someone has the bravery to share they have been negatively affected by you, it’s important to make space for their experience. This looks like honoring our impact before we share our intent.

In these moments it is most helpful to be curious, to listen, and to validate feelings. These moments can be tough. It’s challenging to hear the ways in which we’ve hurt others. When this happens, we are pulled to respond with our intention - “But you’re not understanding where I was coming from or what was happening for me…if you knew, you wouldn’t feel that way.” We need to resist the urge to respond with our intention first because this sounds defensive and therefore feels invalidating. Here are some helpful responses instead that make space for another’s experience:

- Thank the person for sharing with you.

- “I’m so grateful you told me, otherwise, I wouldn’t have known you were hurting.”

- Speaking to understand. Sharing your intention will come later.

- Be curious and ask questions

- What did you need from me instead?

- What else are you feeling?

- Is there more you need to share with me?

If you feel defensive, try the following:

- Remind yourself of your worth

- You are more than this moment and you are allowed to stumble. This is how we learn and grow.

- Slow Down

- The pull to defend is strong and automatic. Interrupt this by slowing down, take a breath, or restate what you’re hearing.

- Name it

- Share that you are getting defensive and notice that you need to shift modes. This keeps you accountable and will signal to others that you need some time to regulate. You can ask for a short time out if you need to gather yourself.

The appropriate time to share intention is after the hurt person feels understood. The easiest way to gauge this is to ask if they feel understood or if there is more you need to know. Once this is achieved, ask for permission to share where you were coming from. If now is not a good time, establish another time to connect.